How to deal with negative people

scarey0022
scarey0022 Posts: 15 Member
edited November 26 in Motivation and Support
I can’t stress enough how disheartening it is to have negative people pushing their opinions and views on you during a fitness journey. Mine in particular is my own mother. Keep in mind she’s always been overweight, but has been 350 lbs and 200 lbs and 300 lbs and 180 lbs so she thinks she knows weight loss. I was explaining to her the recipe for protein cookies that me and my son and husband really like and she just interrupts me and says “how much weight do you even think you’ve lost or will lose???” I was like well it’s been a little over a month and I’ve lost close to 6 pounds so I’m pretty on track. Keep in mind I’m 5’5 and 155.2 pounds, I don’t NEED to lose anymore than a pound a week. And she goes on about how she could lose 4 pounds every week and how maybe I should just try to eat less. I eat around 1200-1300 calories a day pretty contently, I’m not interested in starving myself. What kills her the most is my protein and weight lifting. She thinks it’s a joke. She referred to me as Dr. Phil (no idea why) and told me to go be a nutritionist (sarcastically). I’m at my wits end trying to have any sort of happiness for my achievements or talk about anything related to food or fitness around her. If anybody else has people like this in their life, I feel for you!

Replies

  • JeromeBarry1
    JeromeBarry1 Posts: 10,179 Member
    My answer to "How to" is "Move away".

  • rj0150684
    rj0150684 Posts: 227 Member
    I handle people like that the same way I handle all people who tell me useless garbage I don’t care about. I smile, say “that’s really interesting” and move on.
  • scarey0022
    scarey0022 Posts: 15 Member
    edited May 2018
    Oh, I don’t let it bother me. It’s not going to hinder my progress in any way. She’s set off by anything, such as her asking what was in the cookies then having a whole fit once she hears the word “protein”. I suspect it’s just one of those “you’re my kid and I don’t want you to be better than me” types of situations since that is definitely her personality. I do appreciate the comments.
  • JaydedMiss
    JaydedMiss Posts: 4,286 Member
    edited May 2018
    From personal experience, cut it off before it spirals out of control. Dotn be afraid to be blunt. Tell her what youve told us. Be nice but firm. This is your journey, your doing great, If she wants to be helpful cool but if shes just going to be negative you wont listen. And then follow through. Bluntness now will lead to way less hurt feelings and resentment long term thn yearssss of her saying stuff like this. Theres nothing to feel rude about saying what you need or what bothers you. Shes your mom she should be supportive.
  • CharlieBeansmomTracey
    CharlieBeansmomTracey Posts: 7,682 Member
    I would just say "mom,I appreciate your advice but I have this under control and Im going to do it with or without your support. I know what Im doing and Im going to do it for me". and leave it at that. that way hopefully she knows where she stands. if she needs to lose weight maybe she will see it working for you and ask for your advice.
  • siphil
    siphil Posts: 6 Member
    edited May 2018
    Some people will always think they know better. I'd say over the years I've had more negativity than I have had encouragement from people. Just try to have faith in yourself and ignore those kind of people.
  • mulecanter
    mulecanter Posts: 1,792 Member
    It's hard to keep your fitness journey "under the radar" with your mom, you want to share things you are excited about. You will have to avoid the subject. Let her see your results and if she brings it up just down play it and change the subject to something you both can enjoy talking about. Every family has some "don't go there" subjects.
  • Sunna_W
    Sunna_W Posts: 744 Member
    Just don't discuss trigger topics ... at all. Ever.

    She sounds like a very sad person who hates her life and that she is looking for someone besides herself to blame.

    If you are not familiar with the works of John Bradshaw, here is a list of his books:
    • Bradshaw On: The Family – 1986
    • Bradshaw on the Family: A Revolutionary Way of Self Discovery. Deerfield Beach, Florida: Health Communications. 1988. ISBN 978-0932194541.
    • Bradshaw On: Healing the Shame that Binds You. Deerfield Beach, Florida: Health Communications. 1988. ISBN 978-0757303234.
    • Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child. New York, NY: Bantam Books. 1990. ISBN 978-0-553-35389-1.
    • Creating Love. New York, NY: Bantam Books. 1992. ISBN 978-0-553-37305-9.
    • Family Secrets. New York, NY: Bantam Books. 1995. ISBN 978-0-553-37498-8.
    • Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem. Deerfield Beach, Florida: Health Communications. 1996. ISBN 978-1-55874-427-1.
    • Reclaiming Virtue: How We Can Develop the Moral Intelligence to Do the Right Thing at the Right Time for the Right Reason. New York, NY: Bantam Books. 2009. ISBN 978-0-553-09592-0.
    • Post-Romantic Stress Disorder: What to Do When the Honeymoon Is Over. Deerfield Beach, Florida: Health Communications. 2014.
  • VUA21
    VUA21 Posts: 2,072 Member
    Ignore them. Negative people are everywhere, they are annoying, but oh well... Just ingore the ninnies.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    AnvilHead wrote: »
    quiksylver296 wrote: »
    Quit talking weight loss and/or fitness with her.

    ..and if she brings the topic up, abruptly change the subject and make it obvious that you're doing so.

    This
  • ACanadian22
    ACanadian22 Posts: 377 Member
    Is there anyway that you could spin this around to working together to lose weight instead of against each other? Maybe you could somehow convince her to try weights with you? I am sure she loves you and us Mama's try to help....deep down(even though we might not always be right).
  • try2again
    try2again Posts: 3,562 Member
    Actually, your weight loss has been pretty aggressive for your stats. Your mom should know that while a 4 lb/week loss might be OK for an extremely obese person, it's not healthy for anyone else. But other than that, I definitely wouldn't bring up the subject and would change the subject or tell her you don't want to discuss it if she brings it up. "Wisdom is proved by it's works".
  • ErynVee
    ErynVee Posts: 187 Member
    I think the general advice everyone else is giving is good. It stinks you can't share this with her because she is your Mom, but it's probably best to avoid or just "agree to disagree." I've had a similar experience with my Mom. She is not obese, but "diets" from time to time and her ideas of what is healthy are different from mine. She tends to be too strict with her calories, not eat enough, lose a bunch of water weight and then gain it back. She's also of the mindset that eating fat = you getting fat, and that eating "low fat" or "fat free" foods is healthy, and she tries to ive me these lectures from time to time. I've learned to be like "yeah ok" and move on, lol. You know what is best and you are doing a fantastic job!
  • CSARdiver
    CSARdiver Posts: 6,252 Member
    edited May 2018
    One of the best things you will ever do in you life is identify negative people in your life and remove them from your life. With family you simply minimize contact with these types as much as humanly possible.

    Covert narcissists/passive aggressive people are an interesting animal. These people don't want results, they don't want success. They want you to feel sympathy for them.
  • ladyhusker39
    ladyhusker39 Posts: 1,406 Member
    scarey0022 wrote: »
    Oh, I don’t let it bother me. It’s not going to hinder my progress in any way. She’s set off by anything, such as her asking what was in the cookies then having a whole fit once she hears the word “protein”. I suspect it’s just one of those “you’re my kid and I don’t want you to be better than me” types of situations since that is definitely her personality. I do appreciate the comments.

    I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you. As a mother I can tell you that the most important thing in my life is that my kids have a better relationship with me than I have ever had with my mother. I want to be a source of advice, confidence, kindness and respect to them. FWIW, it's not a mother thing. Like you say, it's her personality. Don't let it become your's.

    All the best, truly.
  • CharlieBeansmomTracey
    CharlieBeansmomTracey Posts: 7,682 Member
    ladyhusker39 wrote: »
    scarey0022 wrote: »
    Oh, I don’t let it bother me. It’s not going to hinder my progress in any way. She’s set off by anything, such as her asking what was in the cookies then having a whole fit once she hears the word “protein”. I suspect it’s just one of those “you’re my kid and I don’t want you to be better than me” types of situations since that is definitely her personality. I do appreciate the comments.

    I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you. As a mother I can tell you that the most important thing in my life is that my kids have a better relationship with me than I have ever had with my mother. I want to be a source of advice, confidence, kindness and respect to them. FWIW, it's not a mother thing. Like you say, it's her personality. Don't let it become your's.

    All the best, truly.

    same here.its hard having a parent like that.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    Obviously there's a lot more to this story, as it sounds like this is pretty typical for your relationship and for her personality.

    But...I do think sometimes people can have different goals and different philosophies on nutrition, fitness, etc, and that doesn't necessarily make them "bad". I do agree with all of the advice to just STOP discussing diet & weight loss topics. I have a couple of girlfriends who focus on eating organic food and full-fat dairy, bone broth/marrow, tons of essential oils for this and that, smoothies & juicing, etc. I think a lot of their ideas are "woo". Meanwhile, at least one of them (probably both) think my method of maintaining a major weight loss by counting calories is completely nuts and even "slightly disordered" as she puts it. It hurts both sides when the other person is saying they know more or have all the right answers.

    You do you. Just don't let her negativity in.
  • sksk1026
    sksk1026 Posts: 215 Member
    Sending much sympathy. Keep doing exactly what you're doing. It's working!
  • Chunkahlunkah
    Chunkahlunkah Posts: 373 Member
    VUA21 wrote: »
    Ignore them. Negative people are everywhere, they are annoying, but oh well... Just ingore the ninnies.

    +1

    This is a tough situation for you because she's your mom and it's completely understandable that, of all people, you'd want support and kindness from her. She's clearly damaged goods on this topic though. In other words, it's not you, it's her. The best thing in that situation is not to engage or invite her into that area of your life in any way.

    Congrats on your weight loss, btw! I think it's great that you've gotten into lifting.
  • Chunkahlunkah
    Chunkahlunkah Posts: 373 Member
    edited May 2018
    CSARdiver wrote: »
    One of the best things you will ever do in you life is identify negative people in your life and remove them from your life. With family you simply minimize contact with these types as much as humanly possible.

    Covert narcissists/passive aggressive people are an interesting animal. These people don't want results, they don't want success. They want you to feel sympathy for them.

    +1

    From what I've observed, it's not just sympathy they want but also to reduce you to a prop that they use to feed their own ego. But yes, the sympathy part is big. They're always the victim and in their mind that justifies their negativity.

    I'm sorry your mom is the sort who needs her daughter to be "less" than her, OP. I hope she's not an extreme narcissist and is loving and mature at other times.

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