Struggling 43yo Widow

what sort of advice are you looking for?
my husband died 2ish years ago-in august.
it sounds like you are suffering from depression. sudden deaths can hit people like a trauma. if you can find proper treatment for that, much of the rest should fall in line.
I'm not a dr so i can't speak to the depression. I have clinical depression so I already had a protocol in place.

I sat down and thought about what we had wanted. and then what i wanted. where the desires crossed, that's where i sent my energies.

i gave myself commitments. like teaching aerial yoga-rather than just attend classes, because i wouldn't go otherwise. i sign up for races so that i get out and run so i don't get picked up by the sweeper.

It's nothing you get over. It's another thread in the tapestry of your life.

mgobluetx wrote: »

Thank you to everyone who replied. I’ve had an MRI and a CAT scan and both came up negative - there’s nothing physically wrong with me. I recently learned it’s called ‘widow brain,’ basically grief-induced amnesia. It’s been explained to me as all the pathways in my brain led to my husband because he was my whole world. Now that he’s gone, those pathways are completely broken and lead to a black hole. There’s just nowhere left for those roads to go, so I keep coming up blank when I think. I’d never heard of this and most times cannot believe it happened to me. I’m seeing two different therapists...one man who also lost his spouse and another psychiatrist who specializes in grief and loss. All I want to do is be done with everything. Most days I don’t want to live anymore. Why am I even here? I don’t have children or a job or anything fulfilling in my life. My dogs would be just as happy with someone else.

I was widowed at age 43, when my husband was 45. We were also childless. Most of our friends were other couples, and most of them dropped out of my life - I think not out of unkindness, but more out of not knowing what to do with or for me. So, much of what you're saying sounds very familiar to me.

What worked for me was basically making myself go through the motions of normality as much as possible, even though I wasn't really feeling it at all. I couldn't control how I felt, but I could control what I did. Over time (long time!), that helped change how I felt, too. I did have a job, so I re-focused on just doing that, and started making myself create opportunities to stay busy and appear engaged in life, even though I was kind of floating over the surface of life on the inside. I was taking anti-anxiety drugs for physical symptoms, too.

Specific things I did wouldn't necessarily work for you, because you would want to pursue interests that you had and that were important to you before you were married, or before your husband died. For example, because I enjoyed gardening, I took a master gardener class, then did lots of related volunteering (docent in gardens, helping teach people how to grow veggies at a community garden, etc.).

My husband was the "warm and fuzzy" social secretary kind of person in our relationship, creating most of the social connections for both of us. I realized that I needed to find a way to do that for myself, because isolation would be bad and destructive for me. I was very awkward, shy and self-conscious at first, but I kept making myself try, and gradually got better at acting outgoing and friendly, and began making friends on my own. Clubs, classes, lectures, concerts, and meet-ups can be helpful. Staying busy, even if it's superficial, can be helpful. Even now - almost 20 years after being widowed - I still do many things solo, because I became comfortable with that as a way to stage distracted/engaged, even though I do have friends now and do things with them too.

Personally, I found exercise classes or clubs especially helpful: The physical activity helps dispel some of the bad biochemistry that comes with this kind of stress, and the continuity of the activities helped me engage with and get to know others. I don't know whether that would help you in a similar way, but it's one thing to consider.

Another thing I've suggested to other widows who are feeling hopeless and purposeless is to think about what your late spouse valued in life, causes that he really supported or worried about, and consider dedicating your energy to helping advance those causes through volunteerism. For example, if he was concerned about the environment, seek out organizations that work on environmental issues and volunteer there. If he liked children, consider volunteering with learn-to-read or child nutrition support programs, or something like that. The concept it to honor your late spouse by how you spend your time and energy. I'm sure he would want you to be fulfilled and happy, difficult as that may be right now. Perhaps dedicating yourself to something he valued would be a good legacy for him, and helpful to you in moving forward.

I know that none of this is easy, but the first year is the hardest, and pushing yourself through it is a good strategy IMO. Once you get the ball rolling in a more affirmative direction, it will improve faster. You can do it - you can get it started. The grieving never completely goes away, but some new things can grow up alongside it, so that grief is no longer the full focus of your life.

Sympathies and hugs!