Spouses Who Fear/Resent Your Weight Loss

mwillder1 · June 2018

My wife and I both needed to lose about 35lbs or so. I have done that the past 8 months, while she hasn't. There are various "reasons" why she hasn't seen the progress that I have, but the net is--and this came out during an emotional talk we had the other night--that she's freaked out that I now only weigh 20lbs more than her (I'm 8" taller), and said she hates her body, feels like a failure, etc. What triggered this was the fact that I was planning on getting up to run, and she was concerned that I'd lose even more weight and close that gap even more. (That's not my goal, btw.)

Needless to say, this is really disconcerting for me on many levels, and I'm not really sure how to handle it. I want to be supportive, but am not really able (willing?) to hide my new devotion to nutrition, tracking, exercise, the lifestyle change I've undertaken, etc. I don't judge her for what she eats/doesn't eat, or the various approaches she's tried while I've reached my goal. I know she's happy for me and enjoys her new "thin" husband, but at the same time it's rough.

Has anyone else experienced this, and if so, how do you balance not pushing your spouse too much while naturally being excited about the positive changes you are experiencing? How does your "success" not become a daily, visible symbol for their lack of progress and a source of frustration (and despair)?

Thanks!

etherealanwar · June 2018

I would begin by reassuring her that you will always find her beautiful and that there is nothing to worry about. Point out that you are making a healthier lifestyle choice and that you would appreciate that she encourages it. You can also mention that you are willing to help her ease into it as well whenever she is ready.

I understand where she is coming from since when I started my weight loss journey I was merely a 30 lb difference compared to my 6'1" husband (and i'm 5'4"). It was partly the reason I started to make my lifestyle change and begin losing weight. Now I am a 60 lbs difference compared to my hubby and still going strong which is catching on to him and i'm certain soon enough he will begin his own journey.

kmhawker77 · June 2018

As long as you're continuing to be sensitive to her struggle and be sensitive to her efforts I feel you should continue to move forward and be the example. Invite her on runs/walks. Cheer every pound. As women, due to hormones and less muscle mass, we lose weight slower than men. It sucks - but it is what it is. Is she on MFP? Invite her to read blogs, connect with other women who are also on this journey

tulips_and_tea · June 2018

Open, honest communication is the key for a healthy relationship. I think you should tell her exactly what you said here: " I want to be supportive, but am not really able (willing?) to hide my new devotion to nutrition, tracking, exercise, the lifestyle change I've undertaken, etc. I don't judge her for what she eats/doesn't eat, or the various approaches she's tried while I've reached my goal." The see where the conversation goes from there.

You keep doing what makes you happy. She needs to find her own path and her own methods.

mom23mangos · June 2018

I think you guys are in a really good place with the fact that you have already opened the lines of communication and you know what her fears are. You are also concerned with her emotional well being. You shouldn't have to hide or stop what you are doing. What you can do is talk to her openly and honestly about what YOU are feeling. Let her know how much better you feel now. Let her know how attractive you find her at ANY weight. That you couldn't care less if she lost the weight or not. Making her feel secure in your love and attraction will go a long way to calming her "irrational" fears.

Let her know however, that you would love to share your fitness path with her, but you are OK if she is not ready. Unless she tells you otherwise, invite her to go with you on your runs, or when you go to the gym. Take over dinner meal prep so the meals are healthy. It's hard when husbands and wives try to lose together because the sad reality is it IS somewhat easier for men. They don't have to deal with hormonal fluctuations. They have more testosterone that makes putting on muscle easier. We need higher levels of fat. Tell her these things so she knows you empathize with her struggles and that it's not a competition.

Above all, keep the lines of communication open.

cathipa · June 2018

Weight loss is a personal decision. You can't let her decisions affect yours and vice versa. When she is ready to make the commitment be there to support her. Keep making good choices and she may eventually follow, but remember you married her before you decided to change to a healthy lifestyle.

lisabinco · June 2018

I hear you. Most of us women have made our peace with the fact that men seem to lose weight faster. It can certainly be frustrating for us. Hubby only weighs 30 pounds more than me and he's 6" taller. We eat differently, too, which makes eating out less fun. We've both embarked recently on shedding the extra 20 pounds we've accumulated (how did that happen?) and I am resigned to the fact that he will get there faster than I will. He never says a word about my eating habits or weight gain but it's still frustrating because it seems he isn't trying as hard as me. I can't think of a nice way to tell your wife this is not a competition and it's fruitless to compare herself to anyone else. You've probably already said it at least once. She knows it. Continue to be kind. Continue to be supportive, non-judgemental and positive. One thing my hubby doesn't do ever (bless the man!) is constantly bubble over with enthusiasm about his successes, nor does he talk endlessly about his calories or workouts. I'm the one who does that, I'm sorry to say. I never thought about it before, but maybe that's part of why we can do this together these days without much stress. If anything, when he's successful, it spurs me to work harder for my own success. Don't forget to tell her you love her -- often!

mwillder1 · June 2018

kmhawker77 wrote: »

Is she on MFP? Invite her to read blogs, connect with other women who are also on this journey

She's not, but that's a great point. Thanks!

fitoverfortymom · June 2018

Her journey has to be her own, but you can nudge her towards the tools. I got a jump start on my hubby to the tune of 80lbs before he really engaged on his own to lose weight. He did "get with the program," although he doesn't track as closely as I do on MFP--he has still mentally kept track of calories and the CICO concept (fact). I think hubby got grumpy with me a few times when I was excited about hitting weight loss milestones, which also made ME grumpy (but not deterred).

Let her know you will support her any way you can as soon as she is ready, but also let her know that your goals are important to you and your own health. Ask her if there is anything she needs you to do to help her and see what the answer is.

Directing her to connect with us on MFP is definitely a great place to start!

dsboohead · June 2018

Don't hide or sneak or give up your aspirations! Do what you do and keep letting her know this is for you NOT to insult her.
Please don't stop your dreams to appease anyone else.
All you can do is kiss and hug her on your way out.

Lora2380 · June 2018

I understand that this is extremely difficult. My husband has joined me many times over the years on my fad diets and he always lost way more and way faster than I did so I can understand that your wife would feel insecure in herself for not having the same results. It is discouraging to say the least. We have switched roles a bit this time around and I have lost the most weight and I think he is feeling a little left behind this time around.

Insecurity is the big part, I realized in the past that I needed constant reassurance that my husband still loved me and was attracted to me, whether I was loosing or not. When I didn’t feel so self conscious or like we were competing, it became more about how I wanted to look for me and I finally made the realization that I don’t need to diet to look better this summer but that I wanted to be healthy and have made the lifestyle change that so many talk about and that I used to role my eyes at. He has supported me fully but his job is busy and he doesn’t always have access to clean eating and time for exercising so I let him know that I love him as he is and support that it is taking him longer this time around and that I still find him attractive and praise him for what he does when he can. It’s hard to rein in my enthusiasm on the days he’s down as I’m so excited about this and how far I’ve come. But he also knows it’s important to me so often asks how I’m doing and that he is proud of what I’m doing for myself.

I think it really is a give and take on both ends. She needs to feel she’s still loved for her but you need to feel she’s proud of your accomplishments as well. Instead of thinking about pushing ( even if you feel it is positive) think about building her up, compliment her on things she has done right, ask her to go for a walk with you even if you feel like running by yourself. Make healthy dinners for the both of you. And hopefully when she starts feeling better about herself she will start to not feel threatened by your loss or that is a competition she can’t win and focus more on what she wants to better for her.

Ps congratulations on your loss and I think that is wonderful that you want to share this with your wife.

Bellavita31 · June 2018

My husband thinks I'm a finatic now he says I am loosing to much weight.. On the other hand he called me fat and lazy before.. Can't win.. I just do me ... Exercise is not a bad thing..

Running_and_Coffee · June 2018

I totally understand this...I've always been sensitive about my weight and happened to marry a thin man whose weight I eclipsed for all three of my pregnancies by the second trimester! Weighing less than your spouse can be a really big thing for many women!

Is it possible you guys could not discuss actual pounds lost together and focus instead on the nutrition and exercise part as partners? My husband's female relatives are all very tiny women under 110 lbs. so my "healthy and normal" weight sounds really big in comparison to theirs (I am taller and work out a lot and just have a different build), so I honestly stopped discussing it with him years ago. I mean, if he asked me what I weighed, I'd tell him, but I just don't talk much about my weight--we talk about the races I run and we explore new recipes together, but the actual number is a source of stress for me, and it's been better for me to not discuss it with him.

Just a thought!

CarvedTones · June 2018

My wife has supposedly been working on losing weight and using mfp for quite some time. There has been no noticeable progress; in fact I think she has put on a few pounds. She also smokes. She has heart problems and sees a cardiologist. She pretty much shuts down and gets angry if I try to discuss it with her. I think something in particular about my weight loss bothers her. I am about 99% sure I weighed more than her before the loss and weigh less than her now.

Before I started losing successfully, she talked with me about weight loss a lot, mostly talking down to me because she was/is being advised by her doctor and a dietician on how to lose weight and get fit. Now that I have lost weight and I am very fit, she doesn't engage in any conversations about it other than a few where she expressed the opinion that my loss was not healthy and I have lost a lot of muscle, both of which I disagree with. I lost some muscle while losing, but it is back and then some. My arms and chest are more muscular than they have been in years, though my chest is smaller due to fat loss. I walk 8 miles at a time in under 2 hours. I would run if I didn't have knee trouble. I paddle my SUP for 5-8 miles 2 or 3 times a week. She kept saying I would gain it all right back. It's been over 3 months since I hit goal and 5 months since I was very slowly losing the last few pounds.

ashleyrebekah392 · June 2018

I think you should just reassure her that she has nothing to worry about. And also that if she would like to get into you would love to help her on her own journey. I still weigh more than my hubby. We are the same height but he's just built smaller. I weigh 25 pounds more than him. He has a lot of muscle and all that and I have more fat to lose. But he doesn't work out, but I try to get him to join me sometimes and he does some. But he always is encouraging with me and he eats healthy also now. But that's taken me about a year to get him to do lol just ease her into it but don't force it too hard. She will start when she's ready, just make sure she knows you are there for her.

jasondjulian · June 2018

Same thing going on with me and my wife, I have not addressed it as of yet. I try to keep my comments about my own weight loss silent, as it just seems to upset her, despite her saying she's "proud of me"... I hear the disdain in her voice when she says that, so I know it's only partially true.

cwolfman13 · June 2018

Not quite the same, but my wife became nervous that I might stray. She started noticing that other women were looking at me and flirting. All I could do was reassure her that wasn't going to happen.

She eventually got on board herself after I had dropped about 30 of my 40 total Lbs. She joined the gym with me which was a lot of fun. 5 years later, we're in a really good place...both active, healthy, and fit.

CSARdiver · June 2018

I recently cleaned house at work of a few passive aggressive types and since then become acutely aware of how prevalent and toxic this behavior is. I think the anonymity of the internet plays a huge part in this and imagine your wife venting on another board about her fears and insecurities...all the while the two of you have entered into your echo chambers and not talking this out together. ...and I'm guilty of this behavior myself and found this to be one of the root causes that led to my weight gain, so there's a good deal of confirmation bias and projection.

First of all you need to commit to taking action. Talking about this will not help - will actually make things worse and increase the divide you already have. About all you can do is inspire and support.

Secondly this requires change and ACTION on her part. We can only change ourselves and that is challenging enough. Changing others is impossible.

We rarely if ever making things better by avoiding a fight or discomfort trying to save feelings. From what you're saying is that there is a good deal of insecurity going on and that there needs to be a shift in thought from "I'm not worth it" to "I am worth it".

I've become very fond of the fact that we invest in things we love, not things we hate. Any act of self improvement is an inherent act of love. Any successful plan must be rooted in this otherwise it is doomed for failure. I suspect this plays a major part in why so many diet plans fail.

kristingjertsen · June 2018

cwolfman, I am glad you and your wife are in a really good place. This gives hope to folks who are opposites in health, fitness, and eating habits. It can be really frustrating dealing with extremes of behavior. Sometimes you just have to keep your mouth shut and let your partner figure out how to solve the problem alone. Once a person decides to make a change, all you need to do is get out of their way and let them do it.

Spliner1969 · June 2018

Consider building muscle, that'll up the scales on your end but won't necessarily be in a bad way. My wife has a bar and screws in one of her legs (really bad break years ago) so she can't walk long distances, can't run, and even biking is questionable. It makes it tough for her to lose weight any other way that calorie restriction. We don't live near any bodies of water worth swimming in often, and we don't have a pool. She's shorter than I am, so women her height (5'2") really get screwed when it comes to calories. Makes it really really tough for her. I reassure her that she is, and always will be, the only one for me constantly. You'll need to make extra effort in that department. I certainly try to do so. I think she likes it in the fall/winter now when I eat more and try to build muscle because it ups the scale. I think I gained 27 lbs this time around. I'll be cutting 10-15 of that back this summer but will probably bulk again this fall. Food for thought.

Lounmoun · June 2018

If she has always been smaller than you even while overweight finding out you are the same weight or less than her could be a shock or drive home her status. I think many people have to come to a poing where they are afraid or angry before they really get serious about managing their weight. This may be her moment to take a hard look at what she really wants and how she wants to progress.
I would point her to the forums so she can find some buddies with similar stats and goals to her instead of comparing to you.

Hating and beating up on herself is not productive. She isn't going to think she is attractive just because you say it. She needs to find the positives about her body for herself. If she is really bad she might need professional therapy to help her.

hesn92 · June 2018

My husband has felt slightly “nervous” that I would leave him if I became too good looking, which is stupid. He thinks I'm out of his league (I hope I’m using that phrase correctly lol) We’ve been together for 10 years now. I just have to reassure him sometimes. Has nothing to do with his weight or physical condition though. He’s very active and a healthy weight.

Maxxitt · June 2018

mwillder1 wrote: »

My wife and I both needed to lose about 35lbs or so. I have done that the past 8 months, while she hasn't. There are various "reasons" why she hasn't seen the progress that I have, but the net is--and this came out during an emotional talk we had the other night--that she's freaked out that I now only weigh 20lbs more than her (I'm 8" taller), and said she hates her body, feels like a failure, etc. What triggered this was the fact that I was planning on getting up to run, and she was concerned that I'd lose even more weight and close that gap even more. (That's not my goal, btw.)

Needless to say, this is really disconcerting for me on many levels, and I'm not really sure how to handle it. I want to be supportive, but am not really able (willing?) to hide my new devotion to nutrition, tracking, exercise, the lifestyle change I've undertaken, etc. I don't judge her for what she eats/doesn't eat, or the various approaches she's tried while I've reached my goal. I know she's happy for me and enjoys her new "thin" husband, but at the same time it's rough.

Has anyone else experienced this, and if so, how do you balance not pushing your spouse too much while naturally being excited about the positive changes you are experiencing? How does your "success" not become a daily, visible symbol for their lack of progress and a source of frustration (and despair)?

Thanks!

Have another follow-up talk with her. Let her know that you appreciate her honesty and bravery for putting her thoughts and feelings out there. Let her know that you want her to be able to love and appreciate her physical package as the home of her amazing spirit. Let her know that you love her Then, after listening, ask her what she thinks would help her get to where she wants to go, and how she will know when she gets there, and what you can do to support her. As a practical matter, losing weight is less straight forward for women than it is for men due to physiology. If she wants a science-backed resource, Lyle McDonald's Women's Book is an excellent resource https://store.bodyrecomposition.com/product/the-womens-book-vol1/

mwillder1 · June 2018

jasondjulian wrote: »

Same thing going on with me and my wife, I have not addressed it as of yet. I try to keep my comments about my own weight loss silent, as it just seems to upset her, despite her saying she's "proud of me"... I hear the disdain in her voice when she says that, so I know it's only partially true.

Sorry to hear this! Sounds like we both can try and improve our situations...

mwillder1 · June 2018

Just wanted to thank all of those who took the time to post and share your thoughts and ideas about how to best address this situation. A lot of very good ideas. Amazing and inspiring people on these boards!

lingreg2198 · June 2018

My husband is 2 inches taller than me and 65 pounds heavier 😬

mywayroche · June 2018

It required a very frank conversation about my new-found needs. If I want to be healthy and feel better then there is no compromise. I never tell my wife what to eat (or not to eat) because it's her life and she would only resent me for it; it's very important that she knows it works both ways though.

Resentment is wasted energy that would be better spent on achieving the things that she wants out of life. Don't let her believe that she can change you to bring you down to her level, it's a slippery slope. Talk to her but do it assertively and make her understand that this isn't something that you're going to give way on... because it isn't, right?

Diatonic12 · June 2018

Fear.

Speaking only in general, loved ones fear they may be kicked to the curb or someone else will take you away. It's not only family or relatives but friends, foes, coworkers may be coming for you. Don't be scared, be prepared.

There will be compliments or not. 'Just look at you now, don't you go getting the big head'. 'You make me sick and I don't want to talk to you anymore.' Many will ignore what you've done or act like you no longer exist. You may lose friends. Oooo, the sky is not the limit when we choose to change. Slings, arrows, potshots will be taken from across the bow. Changes make people uncomfortable in their own skin.

Birds of a feather gather together. We have common ground here. While none of us may agree on much of anything we still want the same things. Kinda sorta.

On a lighter note, there's a personal trainer here that you can ask absolutely anything. It's all fun, really.

lynn_glenmont · June 2018

mwillder1 wrote: »

My wife and I both needed to lose about 35lbs or so. I have done that the past 8 months, while she hasn't. There are various "reasons" why she hasn't seen the progress that I have, but the net is--and this came out during an emotional talk we had the other night--that she's freaked out that I now only weigh 20lbs more than her (I'm 8" taller), and said she hates her body, feels like a failure, etc. What triggered this was the fact that I was planning on getting up to run, and she was concerned that I'd lose even more weight and close that gap even more. (That's not my goal, btw.)

Needless to say, this is really disconcerting for me on many levels, and I'm not really sure how to handle it. I want to be supportive, but am not really able (willing?) to hide my new devotion to nutrition, tracking, exercise, the lifestyle change I've undertaken, etc. I don't judge her for what she eats/doesn't eat, or the various approaches she's tried while I've reached my goal. I know she's happy for me and enjoys her new "thin" husband, but at the same time it's rough.

Has anyone else experienced this, and if so, how do you balance not pushing your spouse too much while naturally being excited about the positive changes you are experiencing? How does your "success" not become a daily, visible symbol for their lack of progress and a source of frustration (and despair)?

Thanks!

Hopefully you know your wife better than random folks on the Internet, but there are, on average, some differences in the ways men and women communicate, and it strikes me that nothing in your account of what she said indicates that she asked you to "hide" (much less change) your "new devote to nutrition, tracking, exercise, etc." She was telling you how she feels about herself. That's a good thing. If she can't honestly tell you how she feels without you making her feel like you don't want to hear it, that's a bad thing.

I agree with others who have advised further conversations, focusing on whether there's anything you can do to help her to get to a better place emotionally, including carving money and time out of household budget/schedule to allow her to see a therapist, if that might help her. Hating her body and feeling like a failure isn't really about you. At most, the things you are doing are a trigger that's making it harder for her to ignore those feelings.

Brabo_Grip · June 2018

My wife twice has said "I like you better fat." She is has struggled with her weight most of her life. She recently started back losing again. I never pressured, said not nice things, or actually mentioned her weight ever except those times when she has lost and then it was compliments. I know she is very insecure about it. I try to support her the best ways I can without triggering her. I don't have an answer for you OP. All I know is it can be tough especially wth the snide comments here and there.

LeighLeigh_fit · June 2018

This is a really hard topic. First of all, good for you! Keep up the good work!

Men and women gain and lose weight differently. A lot of it is based on hormonal factors; however, age can be another factor and whether or not she has had children.

That being said, it seems to me like there are other things contributing to her lack of weight loss. I worked as a trainer for a while and I would find that I could beat a client up for an hour in the gym but if their mind wasn’t in it then it didn’t matter. The changes weren’t going to happen. Therapy is a very tabu thing and admitting you see a therapist can be embarrassing but figuring out the deep rooted problem is what will get her back on the right track.

Please let me know if you need any more suggestions!

Spouses Who Fear/Resent Your Weight Loss

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