Splitting up the bill

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  • rkcampbell
    rkcampbell Posts: 188 Member
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    When going out I would never pay for something I didn’t order. That just seems silly. Servers usually ask if it’s going to be separate checks. Now if I’m hosting a dinner party, I pay. If guests offer to bring something I’ll let the them know what I’m making and they can bring something to complement it. Our family does Sunday dinners with our best friends and alternate houses. We each provide the main food at our own house and the other brings veggies or bread or something like that.
  • dsboohead
    dsboohead Posts: 1,900 Member
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    Server needs to give you YOUR bill. The rest can do as they wish.
  • MelanieCN77
    MelanieCN77 Posts: 4,047 Member
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    I feel like I might get caught by this once, but not again. That's *kitten* lol. Make a point of saying you're putting your fraction down or ask for your own check.
  • deannalfisher
    deannalfisher Posts: 5,600 Member
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    separate checks if the restaurant does it; if not, split the check up by what each individual ordered (we annotate names on bill, but server should also be able to divide it up by who ordered what
  • Cbean08
    Cbean08 Posts: 1,092 Member
    edited June 2018
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    My friends and I occasionally do that, but we also eat at a lot of tapas or shared dish type restaurants where we are all eating a bit of everything.

    If this is a regular meal where you order your own plate and eat nothing of anyone else's, then tell the server when you order that you are on a separate check. The first time you do it, your family might give you a strange look because they aren't used to it. A couple of ways to handle it.
    1. be blunt - I'm not paying for a couple's meal, when I'm only eating 1.
    2. ignore it - give no response
    3. use humor/be relaxed- I was looking at my accounts for the month and wondered why the price of food hadn't dropped since my husband died. Then I realized, oh duh, I'm still paying for both of us. I'll have them split mine off now so we don't have to recalculate at the end.

    Being that this is family, I hope you are close enough to be able to be honest with them. Also, realize that they might not even know they are doing it or don't know that it has been bothering you.
  • malibu927
    malibu927 Posts: 17,565 Member
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    If I go out to eat with my mom she pays, no matter who else is there. She usually argues with her friends until they relent as she sets her credit card out. If I pick up some groceries (because I work at a grocery store) she'll reimburse me, unless it's food specifically for me.

    When I go to Sunday brunch post-work with one of my coworkers, we trade off on who buys. It's usually in the same price range since we only go between three different places. The only time it was split more is when I decided to take a piece of cake home, I paid for it on my own. I wasn't going to make her do so.

    On vacation with friends? We all pay our own ways.
  • madwells1
    madwells1 Posts: 510 Member
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    If you go out, pay only your part + tip (don't forget that).

    If you buy groceries for a dinner party at YOUR house, the etiquette is you should pay for the groceries. If it's someone elses house, they should pay for the groceries.

    If your friends don't understand that at a restaurant, the relationship should be evaluated.
  • hesn92
    hesn92 Posts: 5,967 Member
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    So you are having the bill split equally amongst all the couples? Why not just have the waitress separate your bill?
  • happytree923
    happytree923 Posts: 463 Member
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    Not to be rude but what is wrong with the couples in your family. Super bizarre to expect a single person to subsidize some of their shared cost. I think even splitting evenly by the number of people is kind of inconsiderate and risks creating tension but that is next level.
  • AnnPT77
    AnnPT77 Posts: 32,055 Member
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    I'm also a widow . . . for about the same amount of time. Generally, if I make it clear I'm hosting a group intentionally, I expect to pay the whole bill, but not otherwise. Some of my male relatives always try to grab the whole bill for all when I dine out with them and spouse/kids - I try not to let them always do it, but accede gracefully often. With friends (couples/singles or families) in large groups, we usually get separate checks. With a single woman friend, we sometimes split the bill 50/50, but usually only when that's fair (roughly equal alcohol, we've split apps, etc.). IF your relatives routinely expect to split by "family" when that's a different number of people, that simply isn't fair or reasonable.

    I agree with those who suggest you affirmatively ask for separate checks up front, if your friends/relatives don't trend toward some kind of fair split. Polite assertiveness is just fine.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,426 Member
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    I would expect to only pay for the food or drinks that I ordered at a restaurant. With my dh, dd and I having a meal at a restaurant with other people a representative of our family group would pay for what each of us ordered and other people would take care of their part. If I were with someone like my father he would aggresively pick up the check for the whole group and refuse to let anyone else pay anything toward the meal.
    I would not expect the bill at a restaurant to be evenly divided unless it was a shared food like a bunch of pizzas and each person was counted as one unit. If there are 2 couples and 1 single person the bill is divided by 5 not 3.

    When I invite people to my home I do not expect finacial compensation of any sort. When I am invited to a dinner at a friend's home I would not expect to chip in for groceries. I might bring a dish to share.

    If I was on a trip and we were sharing a cabin/house with others and cooking as a group then splitting the cost of groceries makes sense but still divided with each person being 1 unit.

    I don't think it is right that one person is paying the same amount as a couple.
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
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    There's no way you should pay for an imaginary person so to speak. You're being penalized for being single. I like all of the tips, your own bill saves the day.
  • runningforthetrain
    runningforthetrain Posts: 1,037 Member
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    Is it just one couple or a specific person who is calling you petty or is it the "bill splitter" (the person who does the math)? I would suggest having cash with a lot of change every time you go out or prepare meals with this family grouping. The bills should be split by #of people and you should pay for 1 person. If there is some excessively expensive drinks or an expensive bottle of wine- take that amount off the top and divide that new total by # of people. (assuming you didn't have any alcohol) And don't forget to add some tip money. Asking for your own check of course also solves the problem but, it can feel awkward if everyone else is paying after the split. Up to you. But, you are actually paying TWICE as much as you should! It is ridiculous. I would be surprised if you put forth your feelings in this way that ALL family members would think anything wrong at all. If you truly feel the entire group expects you to subsidize their meals-- I would start finding excuses not to go. Otherwise, confide, in someone in your family that you feel close to-- they can step up for you-- support your reasoning, that way you can turn the tide to enjoying yourself more & not resenting spending time with family.
  • girlinahat
    girlinahat Posts: 2,956 Member
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    I have never heard of splitting by couple. So if there’s two couples and you, it gets divided how? By three? That seems bizarre.

    Various options I would accept -
    Split by number of people evenly - assuming everyone had roughly the same to eat, and in my experience it balances out in the end.

    Each pay what for what they ate - this can create conflict, take time, and can be seen as petty. For some reason the bill never seems to add up properly when you do this

    Take the wine off the bill and split that amongst the drinkers, then split the food evenly - this is the most common way we do things, as it reduces conflict and is quicker.

    Hang around with friends who pay for everything - this happens, but I don’t much like it.
  • nutmegoreo
    nutmegoreo Posts: 15,532 Member
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    This reminds me of the Friends episode where Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe are upset that the other three (who make more money), expect them to split the tab 5 ways (because birthday girl doesn't pay), and they had intentionally ordered very small and inexpensive items off the menu.

    OP, you need to stand up to them to change it, or suck it up and accept it. Is it fair? Of course not, but it's been going on for this long and it works out in their favor, so why would they want it to change? Expect some kickback, but over time they'll either get used to it, or they'll stop inviting you. Either way, I think you win.
  • NovusDies
    NovusDies Posts: 8,940 Member
    edited June 2018
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    SurfyPantsResurfaced wrote: »
    I have trouble letting anyone pay for anything! I will either pay for everyone or fight to the death with a fork to pay my half :D
    *My response will be of no use to you at all.

    You can put your fork away. There would be no fight. If I even suspect one is coming I will go ahead and give a credit card to the wait staff in advance and promise a bigger tip. I am undefeated in check paying.
  • urloved33
    urloved33 Posts: 3,325 Member
    edited June 2018
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    girlinahat wrote: »
    I have never heard of splitting by couple. So if there’s two couples and you, it gets divided how? By three? That seems bizarre.

    Various options I would accept -
    Split by number of people evenly - assuming everyone had roughly the same to eat, and in my experience it balances out in the end.

    Each pay what for what they ate - this can create conflict, take time, and can be seen as petty. For some reason the bill never seems to add up properly when you do this

    Take the wine off the bill and split that amongst the drinkers, then split the food evenly - this is the most common way we do things, as it reduces conflict and is quicker.

    Hang around with friends who pay for everything - this happens, but I don’t much like it.

    3 couples and me - they ALWAYS divide the bill by 4. I edited out about kids bc the kids are not with us much in the past ten years.

  • saragd012
    saragd012 Posts: 693 Member
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    When I go out with friends we pretty much always ask for separate checks, if I want to order an app to share with the table I pay for it, same with drinks. The others in my group often do the same, especially if we're doing tapas we'll all chat about what looks good and decide what to order with consideration for what other people are planning on ordering, so we still have a good sampling but no one is left with a larger bill than they can afford. My wife and I pretty much always want an app to share, but we will nurse 1-2 beers each for the night, some of my friends will have 4-5 high end cocktails and an additional app if given the chance, and others don't drink and pick some of the least expensive items every meal (tighter budgets) so it's never made sense to me that we should split check equally. I do tip highly for the server keeping the checks separate, and I've never had an issue with it, in my area it's usually the first thing the servers ask when you order your drinks.

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