How do you help someone who doesnt want help?

solflyer81 · August 2011

I am in a relationship with a great guy. He treats me great, he makes me laugh and he trys to do anything he can for me...Except get healthy. I explained to him from the get go that coming out of a ten year marriage and going through a divorce that I would never settle again. I wanted someone who not just paid bills with me but someone who had common interests and someone who supported me emotionally and all of that good stuff. For the most part ( and i do mean 99/100%) he has been awesome. But getting him to be healthy has been like pulling teeth out of a cobra. He does the bare minimum to appease me. He makes slightly healther choices in what he eats, but he doesnt eat how or when he should be eating. If i didnt nag him, he would eat less than 1200 calories a day. I ve tried to get him excited about being healthy. I even got him here on MFP with me, but he s only here because I want him to be, not because he s as excited about being healthy as me.

I dont want to nag him to death. I dont want to change who he is inside. But i truly need someone in my life who is on the same page as me. I need someone who is going to say,"yeah lets go home and make our fish and veggies, we dont need to eat out". I need someone who is going to be motivated to motivate me. Is that wrong?

My question is do I leave him alone? Do I keep prodding him hoping he will get excited about being healthy? Am I wrong for trying? Am I asking too much? I know this is a typical female thing to do but....I want him to WANT to be healthy for himself and for me; not just suck it up and secretly hate it because its being forced on him.

Any input would be appreciated because I am seriously at a loss at the moment.

lstnlondry · August 2011

You have just desribed my marriage for the past 6 (out of 20) years. I wish I had something positive to say to you to. My doctor just keeps telling me to take care of me so I will tell you that. Best of luck because you TRULY deserve what you are asking for and never let anyone stand in the way of you being the best you.

eeeekie · August 2011

Take care of you. You can't push someone to do something they don't want too. You can hope that the changes you make for you will INSPIRE him to change himself. He probably is feeling not good enough if you're constantly harping on him about his ways.

solflyer81 · August 2011

Thank you. I truly want him to get excited about being healthy and not just do it because I want him to.

bridgie101 · August 2011

Coming out of a 10 yr marriage.

I've just come out of a 17 yr one.

It leaves you in a strange place and it's not the best idea to trust too many of your instincts because you can be needy as.. like a pendulum swing: youre in a state of reaction to the person you left. If you had had more time you might not be reacting as much. Does that make sense?

I think you have to be your own motivation and not look for someone to be a piece of you. I think you have to work out if your life is happier with him as he is, or happier without him as he is, but you do have to let him be who he is.

Having said this: men do change, we all change. He might want to be healthy down the track, under his own steam. What we have to be careful not to do is suck the motivation out of others by wanting them to respond to ours.

There are two forms of motivation: primary and secondary. Primary is when you want to do this thing yourself. It's a powerful form of motivation. Secondary is where someone offers you a lolly or gives you a threat - you are getting your motivation to do this thing from outside yourself and when that stimulus goes, your motivation may well disappear as well.

You want him to have primary motivation but you are attempting to use secondary means of motivation on him. He can never ever gather primary motivation while you are doing this.

you sort of fill up the space.

sarahsmom1 · August 2011

He will do it when he's ready just as you started when you were ready. Everyone does not come to the same conclusion at one time. If his 99/100 you have it way better than most. He will do when he's ready as the old saying goes to can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink it. He will drink (diet) when he's ready

NotGoddess · August 2011

You cannot force him to be healthy. It has to be his decision. The best you can do is lead by example and hope to inspire him.

sarabig2fit · August 2011

My H used to be the same way. But, this last time that I tried to lose weight, something changed in him.

I wouldn't say leave him because he doesn't want to eat healthy, although losing weight and being healthy is much easier when your whole family does it.. but if you're not willing to settle and 1% of things are bugging you that bad, things probably won't change. I'm sure you know that problems don't change when you get married, they just become permanent. So if you're serious about this guy and he isn't serious about what you wanna do in your life, then maybe he isn't the one?

I say, give it time. Maybe one day he'll wake up and feel differently.

solflyer81 · August 2011

Take care of you. You can't push someone to do something they don't want too. You can hope that the changes you make for you will INSPIRE him to change himself. He probably is feeling not good enough if you're constantly harping on him about his ways.

I agree with you. And I dont want that. But at the same time....Early next year we are looking at taking our relationship to the next level (moving closer, being introduced to my kids as more than "mommy's friend") and i cant do that if i dont know he is committed to the lifestyle. I also dont want to push him away either.

clarech · August 2011

You can't change someone who doesn't want to change themselves I'm afraid. My oh is morbidly obese and I can't make him change only he can. It's taken me a long time to realise that. So now I just look after me and hope he will join me. We share a lot of common interests so its no big deal about diet.

gabrielleshannonhatt · August 2011

my boyfriend is the same way. he's as skinny as a rail but he eats like ****. if i allowed it he would live off little debbie snacks. ugh.

but nonetheless, he knows i want to become healthier and lose weight and he has made an effort to stop eating all that crap and go along for the ride, i suppose you could say. he has his moments where he'll pull out an ice cream bar or a bag of chips and just sit there next to me and munch on the stuff, and for me it's difficult to resist. i've come to the conclusion that i have an eating problem and become overwhelmed by any little thing and just stuff my face with instantly regretable food. but then he's a sweetheart and always reminds me why i dont want to eat it. and for me when he says things like that if makes me feel like he cares, because he knows how badly i want to lose weight to for once feel good about myself.

i can understand your point of view though and you're definitely not wrong for trying. guys don't like to be nagged at. in that situation i would slightly just let it go and see if he comes around or just tell him how important it is for you to become healthy and how much it would help if he could make even the slightest effort as well.

i'm kind of bad with advice and then i just end up rambling.
but regardless, i hope this helps.

billsica · August 2011

How unhealthy is he? If he is not eating 1200 without encouragement, he must be significantly underweight.

He might have some issue with food?

If he is doing the bare minimum to appease you. he is appeasing you.

Are you wanting him to be healthy, or just have him eat what you tell him to? Me and my wife argue because I'm a vegetarian.
well was. she nagged me to start eating fish, and now I do. She wants me to eat chicken next.. I draw the line there.
2:00am guys take on it.

TenderBranson · August 2011

It's not helping that you're nagging him I can tell you that much. If he's gonna do it it's gonna be cause he wants to, because if you try to force him into it he's destined to fail. He has to want it for himself. Some people do, some don't. You sound like you're pushing it on him hard. Which is not a great Idea & likely the reason he's so opposed to the idea of getting healthy.

It shouldn't be a touchy subject.

solflyer81 · August 2011

Thank you all for your input. I guess that is what I will do. I ll leave him alone when it comes to diet/exercise and hope he decides to do it on his own.

to the earlier post about coming out of marriage- i miswrote that. we have been together for a long time, but when we got together i explained the whole not settling thing to him. sorry for the mistype : ) and thank you for your info on primary/secondary...i have two kids so you would think I would know this, but you mentioning it rang a bell loud and clear for me.

solflyer81 · August 2011

How unhealthy is he? If he is not eating 1200 without encouragement, he must be significantly underweight.

He might have some issue with food?

If he is doing the bare minimum to appease you. he is appeasing you.

Are you wanting him to be healthy, or just have him eat what you tell him to? Me and my wife argue because I'm a vegetarian.
well was. she nagged me to start eating fish, and now I do. She wants me to eat chicken next.. I draw the line there.
2:00am guys take on it.

No he is overweight like me. The whole starvation mode thingy or low metabolism or whatever you want to chalk it up to. I dont want to tell him what to eat, but i guess i have been because i felt like he just wouldnt eat healthy if it wasnt for me. I would never ask him to eat anything that goes against his nature or beliefs.

chevy88grl · August 2011

Unfortunately, you can NOT force someone to change if they don't want to do it for themselves. I really, really, really want my boyfriend to stop smoking, but I know he has to do it for HIM and not because *I* want him to. I hope that someday he will decide he no longer wants to smoke, but in the mean time -- I do not nag, plead, beg or anything else about it. He knows he'd be healthier without smoking, he knows that he should stop, but .. I also understand it is an addiction and one that isn't easy to beat.

I know it is hard to see the ones we love making poor choices, but honestly... we can not change them or their choices. They have to want to do it.

All you can do is continue working our yourself. Make healthier foods choices, offer up healthier options to him if possible and be there if he decides to take the first step to healthier living.

solflyer81 · August 2011

you all are completely correct. Thank you for helping me put it into perspective. : )

meggers123 · August 2011

I'll admit I pressured the man into quicking smoking. But I have asthma, and I think it's bleugh (thanks for the word, Nik). Otherwise I'm all about accepting peoples' differences.

I think if that's his only flaw (and he treats you well!!!!), then you should forgive him it. it's super hard being with a junk-foodie/unhealthy eater, but there are some changes you can make. When you cook, make healthy choices, and maybe he'll start to come around when he's constantly eating yummy, healthy food. If he suggests going out, pick something healthy, or restate your weight goals, and that you would rather stay in.

Maybe seeing you looking super hot! will inspire him to make a change in a few months...

Oishii · August 2011

How unhealthy is he? If he is not eating 1200 without encouragement, he must be significantly underweight.

He might have some issue with food?

If he is doing the bare minimum to appease you. he is appeasing you.

Are you wanting him to be healthy, or just have him eat what you tell him to? Me and my wife argue because I'm a vegetarian.
well was. she nagged me to start eating fish, and now I do. She wants me to eat chicken next.. I draw the line there.
2:00am guys take on it.

No he is overweight like me. The whole starvation mode thingy or low metabolism or whatever you want to chalk it up to. I dont want to tell him what to eat, but i guess i have been because i felt like he just wouldnt eat healthy if it wasnt for me. I would never ask him to eat anything that goes against his nature or beliefs.

If he'll eat what you make for him, I wouldn't worry.

From a fitness point of view, maybe what happened with my DH might help.

I was doing the 30 Day Shred and my DH would bounce around in the background. When I finished the 30 days, I suggested my DH try the full 30 days with me, but he would find reasons not to, and so when a friend asked to borrow it, his attempt was over.

Then I decided to do the 100 pushup club, a 6 week course online. I did the initial test, and then the first day, with a day off in between, and my dh started to get interested. He tried the initial test, and then alternate days I would try and he would try (with me telling him what the website said to do). After 3 or so weeks he had reached 100 pushups and I had given up :blushing:

I noticed the transformation sooner than he did, but now he's doing 120 pushups in a row and can really tell the difference. He can carry more without whingeing and his chest and arms look great.

I think it worked for him because strength training seemed more manly, and the results were something a man could be proud of. Fussing about food and aerobic exercise don't have the same macho draw.

Maybe something like that could work for your boyfriend too.

I was wondering, does he eat so little because he's trying to lose weight?

Pebble321 · August 2011

Lots of good advice here - all I can add is that you can't change him if he doesn't want to and you can't make him WANT to be anything. Personally my reaction to anyone telling me what to do, is to do the opposite.

What you CAN do is to lead by example. Don't talk to him about it, don't nag him, but buy healthy stuff, cook healthy meals, encourage him to do fun stuff with you that gets you both moving. If he wants to eat unhealthy he will do it when you aren't around, but if you know he is eating healthy when he is with you that is a great start.
Just don't tell him you are cooking healthy, that seems to freak people out for no good reason!

Dunkirk · August 2011

There used to be an old joke, about the woman who nagged her husband for years, and then complained that he wasn't the man she'd married.
In MY opinion :-)
Nagging is destructive. Appreciate and be thankful for, and let him know, the wonderful qualities your partner has. Is it worth the health issue putting a wedge between you? It's his decision to be healthy when he is ready, just like it was yours. ( He may need an apology).

How do you help someone who doesnt want help?

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