Afraid to lose weight because of attention

kickstartpro · May 2015

I realized that I KNOW how to lose weight and it usually is pretty easy for me once I get started. After I lose a few pounds and people start noticing, I usually pile it back on. It's like I am afraid of losing all the fat because I can't stand the attention. I get much more attention from guys, and it can be really new and overwhelming. It kind of hurts in a way too because I have always been chubby and a lot of guys teased me as a kid. I sometimes feel very resentful when they notice me, because part of me feels like their feelings are conditional, based on how a girl looks. Having them noticing me in a way sort of makes me realize how superficial people are.

Not only that, but my family has always paid excessive attention to my body as well, and my sisters are competitive with me. I am known as the "pretty one", and I notice they start to act very strange whenever people compliment me or I look good in my clothes. People always say I have a pretty face and just need to lose weight. I think a lot of chubby girls get that.

Another thing is that in my mind, I have always thought that once I am skinny, I will be happy. I think a part of me is afraid that will happen, because life can't be that great. Another part of me is afraid to be disappointed.

I know this all sounds really dramatic, but these are serious issues that affect me mentally. I have suffered from low self esteem throughout my entire life because of how people treat me, only because of my BODY. I was wondering if anyone had any similar experiences or advice for me.

999tigger · May 2015

So really you are scared of change and like to talk yourself out of things. Cant say I find any of your arguments logical or convincing, but agree with you that you could do with going to some classes or getting some help woth self esteems nevayse you are holding yourself back and not anyone else.

People are superficial but not everyone, I certainly wouldnt be bothered about the one who are as they can be avoided. Why let them interefere with your life? Please go and get some help.

TitaniaEcks · May 2015

That's kinda like "first world problems", isn't it. Also like a "humble brag". ;-)

Sorry, I'm not the most supportive/sensitive/maternal type. Feel free to ignore me.

As an aside, I have a friend whom everyone used to tell, "Oh, you have such a handsome face. If only you weighed 150 lbs less." Then he lost the 150 lbs and it turns out that the fat on his face was hiding some weird bone structure and he's actually kind of ugly, he just has nice eyes that created a pretty-face effect when he was fat.

Adc7225 · May 2015

First let me say that I don't think your feelings are over dramatic. I am not sure how old you are but I am almost 46 and have experienced pretty much the same emotions through this journey. I lost weight for health reasons, I gained weight for emotional reasons. After being assaulted I just did not want to be attractive to men and the weight was my buffer. Since losing almost 100 pounds going from a size 20/22 to 2/4 with a better figure than I have every had (according to my mother

) I too was uncomfortable with the attention that used to get. I say used to because at one point, maybe about 60 - 70 pounds down I looked really good - IMA, I am caught up on the scale and working out so I am much smaller than I really want to be and I don't get as much attention as I used to. I agree it does feel superficial, but we are attracted to what we find appealing so it is sort of unfair to judge the general public that way - I say the general public because in general when we fit into societies ideal, we get treated better.

I would offer that you need to analyze why you want or need to lose weight and then keep that in mind. People will resist the change, it is human nature but you do this for yourself and whatever changes it effects in your life you will always have the real reason you lost weight to ground you.

Best Wishes

47Jacqueline · May 2015

So you're more comfortable with hearing, "you have such a pretty face?" I'm not so nurturing either.

I suggest professional help if you can't come to terms with this on your own.

diannethegeek · May 2015

I had similar issues while I was losing. I used mu weight as a sort of psychological shield from the world for most of my life. Not from male attention but just attention/being noticed in general. Losing the weight was kind of a mind**** for a while. I'm not sure I have anything helpful to say, but I can promise that you're not alone. I dressed in layers for a while so that I'd feel more comfortable in public. Eventually I think you get used to it and find new ways to deal with the world that aren't weight related. Sometimes you just have to take it one day at a time. Work on being happy with yourself now.

SueInAz · May 2015

While I don't think you're necessarily being overly dramatic I do think you may be a bit naive. The whole thing about "how someone looks" impacting others opinion of them IS superficial by its very definition. Take a look around. It's how the world works. It might not be nice and it might not be fair but it's human nature. Pretty, fit girls get attention. More men are physically attracted to that than to pretty, overweight girls (although there are certainly those who are!). We all have a physical "type" that affects us. I'm attracted to dark hair, blue eyes and a gymnast's build. That doesn't mean I'm married to a man who looks like that, of course, because the outside is just a starting place for a lasting relationship. It also doesn't mean that I don't notice a good looking guy who fits my type because that's just biology in action.

If you aren't prepared to deal with the attention then why lose the weight? It's a serious question. As long as you are still healthy is there another reason why you both want - and don't want - to lose the weight? I think that's a question to which you need to find a good answer.

I honestly think you would greatly benefit from some counseling. You need to both work through the self-esteem issues that are holding you back from the things you think you want and to figure out what it is that you really want. You're currently torturing yourself needlessly and causing yourself physical problems with the yo-yo dieting. I hope you find the happiness you deserve.

sespurlock80 · August 2017

I've had this issue too, kickstartpro. I have realized over the past month that I have a psychological block in losing weight because when I was thin I would constantly have men comment on my appearance. I even ended up with a stalker, and that scared the s out of me, frankly. With more weight, I don't get the attention, and I'm not scared or worried about how to handle a situation.
Part of my problem also is that I tend to understand guys more than women, and a lot of my friends growing up were guys. I lost some of those friendships when I was thin because the guys wanted out of the friend-zone. With more weight, I have better (well, more comfortable for me) relationships with my guy friends because they don't find me as attractive.
I don't think you're being overdramatic and I totally understand where you're coming from. It's hard to move on from something as scary as someone peering in your windows and calling your phone...but I'm starting to work through it.
I'm proud of you for figuring out the issue because I think understanding the source of anxiety is 90% of the healing. It's not your fault that you tend to be attractive to the opposite sex, and it isn't within your control. What is in your control is concentrating on being healthy (which weight-loss is often a side effect

). I plan on meeting with a counselor to give me tools to understand my anxiety and maybe do some role playing so I know how to react to unwanted attention (if I'm going to get it at this age now, lol).
Good for you for understanding yourself and I hope you can move on.

Kullerva · August 2017

When Kullerva was a wee child, a bad man did terrible things. Adult Kullerva tried to hide from all the bad men with excess weight. It wasn’t until Kullerva saw 200lbs looming around the corner (and realized that they’d hit on her *regardless* of weight) that she decided to change…and now she will stop referring to herself in the third person; she promises.

Seriously, I don’t want any attention from men or women at all. I identify as genderless and asexual so flirtation puzzles me. If you’re concerned about attention because of personal safety (as I was), there are a few strategies to try. The first is body language. Chin up, shoulders straight; walk like you own the world and are carrying it on your back. If a man gives you attention you don’t want, pull out the thousand-yard stare from storage: http://files.abovetopsecret.com/files/img/hn4f8d2d71.jpg

If you don’t know how to do this, there are tutorials online. I practiced for many hours over the course of years, and now it sends most people running. If you feel safe doing so, call these people out on their behavior. “I don’t appreciate your commenting on my appearance,” said in the right tone, can usually shut the offender down.

On a more prosaic note, attend a self-defense class and buy their pepper spray—they’ll teach you how to use it. Take a self-defense or martial arts course of study if that’s your thing. Hell, study combat weapons and firearms if you’re terrified of guns. The things we’re scared of become more mundane if we learn more about them.

Also, if you have a therapist or close friend, it might help to talk some of these body issues out.

TavistockToad · August 2017

You're right about one thing... life won't automatically be perfect because you're a normal weight.

As for the rest, how overweight are you currently? have you thought about seeing a therapist?

cmriverside · August 2017

@TavistockToad this thread is from 2015.

TavistockToad · August 2017

cmriverside wrote: »

@TavistockToad this thread is from 2015.

So it is... I didn't resurrect it though!

darielalopez786 · June 2018

I checked on google because i know i too need to get over these feelings and wanted some insight. Its an old post but the situation is very real everyday... For ladies like me. Thanks all for sharing.

thechiopodist · June 2018

darielalopez786 wrote: »

I checked on google because i know i too need to get over these feelings and wanted some insight. Its an old post but the situation is very real everyday... For ladies like me. Thanks all for sharing.

Therapy sounds like a good plan to get over these feelings. Its not a good way to live. Self esteem is soooo important for a happy life.

seltzermint555 · June 2018

I understand to a great extent. I have lost a lot of weight (about 130 lb total) and I find myself occasionally hiding from people I know when I haven't seen them in a few years and spot them in a store - because I don't want the awkward conversation that often occurs in that situation. It does sound like a humble brag to people who don't truly understand. But it's definitely not.

I also feel like some people who lose a similar amount of weight to what I have just become like a "celeb" among their friends and go from being a miserable frump to this sex kitten bodybuilder bikini person. I was always kind of nerdy yet stylish pushing 300 lb and now at a healthy weight, I'm the same nerdy yet stylish kind of person. There's no big reveal of my new look, no rock hard abs, no fanfare. I wear some different styles and it's not like I'm the exact same but it's just embarrassing to me at times when people point out the change in my body. I don't want that attention so focused on me.

Therapy can be helpful to almost anyone in my opinion, for this issue and a million others. Just gotta find the right fit (therapist). Simply being self-aware about these issues can go a long way toward moving past them as well, therapy or not. If I catch myself avoiding someone I would actually like to catch up with just because I dread "the weight loss talk", I have to stop and reconsider and then I almost always just go for it and though 99% of the time it WILL come up...it's not that awful, even if they spend 30 minutes going on about their plan to start keto (which I have never done).

Sometimes when I am getting together with friends or family who haven't seen me for a few months, I fret over whether they will comment because they think I've lost more weight (which happens) or if they will pity me because they'll immediately be able to tell I gained back five pounds (which also happens...the gain, probably not the pity to be honest though who knows). Neither should be a big concern!! It's MY body! I think it's interesting that I NEVER gave it this much thought when I was 240 lb and then gained 20 lb due to a stressful winter or whatever...I didn't even care!! It seems crazy that now the difference between a pair of skinny jeans being loose or tight makes a difference to me. Ugh.

darielalopez786 · July 2018

seltzermint555 wrote: »

I understand to a great extent. I have lost a lot of weight (about 130 lb total) and I find myself occasionally hiding from people I know when I haven't seen them in a few years and spot them in a store - because I don't want the awkward conversation that often occurs in that situation. It does sound like a humble brag to people who don't truly understand. But it's definitely not.

I also feel like some people who lose a similar amount of weight to what I have just become like a "celeb" among their friends and go from being a miserable frump to this sex kitten bodybuilder bikini person. I was always kind of nerdy yet stylish pushing 300 lb and now at a healthy weight, I'm the same nerdy yet stylish kind of person. There's no big reveal of my new look, no rock hard abs, no fanfare. I wear some different styles and it's not like I'm the exact same but it's just embarrassing to me at times when people point out the change in my body. I don't want that attention so focused on me.

Therapy can be helpful to almost anyone in my opinion, for this issue and a million others. Just gotta find the right fit (therapist). Simply being self-aware about these issues can go a long way toward moving past them as well, therapy or not. If I catch myself avoiding someone I would actually like to catch up with just because I dread "the weight loss talk", I have to stop and reconsider and then I almost always just go for it and though 99% of the time it WILL come up...it's not that awful, even if they spend 30 minutes going on about their plan to start keto (which I have never done).

Sometimes when I am getting together with friends or family who haven't seen me for a few months, I fret over whether they will comment because they think I've lost more weight (which happens) or if they will pity me because they'll immediately be able to tell I gained back five pounds (which also happens...the gain, probably not the pity to be honest though who knows). Neither should be a big concern!! It's MY body! I think it's interesting that I NEVER gave it this much thought when I was 240 lb and then gained 20 lb due to a stressful winter or whatever...I didn't even care!! It seems crazy that now the difference between a pair of skinny jeans being loose or tight makes a difference to me. Ugh.

OMG... Breath of fresh air. I enjoy coming in for these posts. You guys are great and your personal experience because its a handbook to what im going to go through in this journey.

Afraid to lose weight because of attention

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