Alcohol Dependency

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  • lynn_glenmont
    lynn_glenmont Posts: 9,964 Member
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    LonnaWhiting wrote: »
    First of all, congratulations for conquering your own bad habits with alcohol. Since you don't know the guy that well, maybe try one more time, but this time in a venue that doesn't offer alcohol. He could have been nervous ... or he very well could have a problem. Maybe seeing how he does in a NA environment will cue you in the right direction.

    Where are you getting that the OP has her own problems with alcohol? There's no mention of that, just of a past abusive relationship.

    OP, you should respect your own instincts, and don't let someone talk you out of this.

    Also, ask yourself who you would credit more as a reliable witness to how much someone drank: A third-party with no obvious axe to grind, or the person who has two obvious motivations for downplaying the number of drinks (denying to himself that he has a drinking problem, and denying it to you).

    Who do you think is more likely to remember the number of drinks correctly, the person who had two drinks or the guy who admits to having four and was slurring his speech?

    He either can't remember because he was drunk, has convinced himself that he didn't have "that much," or is lying to you and trying to gaslight you (successfully) into doubting your own memory. None of those sound like a stellar candidate for dating, but of course it's your choice. (Hint: it's your choice, not his choice, and not the choice of anybody on the Internet.)
  • janejellyroll
    janejellyroll Posts: 25,763 Member
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    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    LonnaWhiting wrote: »
    First of all, congratulations for conquering your own bad habits with alcohol. Since you don't know the guy that well, maybe try one more time, but this time in a venue that doesn't offer alcohol. He could have been nervous ... or he very well could have a problem. Maybe seeing how he does in a NA environment will cue you in the right direction.

    Where are you getting that the OP has her own problems with alcohol?

    OP says: "I’ve done a lot of work to change my life and circumstances and my OWN habits with alcohol."
  • voicimonpasseport
    voicimonpasseport Posts: 10 Member
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    janejellyroll wrote: »
    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    LonnaWhiting wrote: »
    First of all, congratulations for conquering your own bad habits with alcohol. Since you don't know the guy that well, maybe try one more time, but this time in a venue that doesn't offer alcohol. He could have been nervous ... or he very well could have a problem. Maybe seeing how he does in a NA environment will cue you in the right direction.

    Where are you getting that the OP has her own problems with alcohol?

    OP says: "I’ve done a lot of work to change my life and circumstances and my OWN habits with alcohol."


    That’s right. In my past relationship I was drinking more than I would have liked to. Partially because it was easier to turn a blind eye after a glass of wine, partially because he insisted on having it around every evening and it became to easy to fall prey to a little buzz. But when that wasn’t enough I had to get real with where I was at and only then did I leave him. You both are correct in your own way.
  • GiddyupTim
    GiddyupTim Posts: 2,819 Member
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    I think it is a red flag.
    If I was on a first date, I think I'd be so worried about my first impression I wouldn't dare drink that much, especially if the other person was not.
    The fact that he did not, or could not, moderate, therefore, is worrisome.
    You got out of an abusive relationship for a reason. Don't take a chance on getting in to another. There are good, normal, stable people out there.
  • wmd1979
    wmd1979 Posts: 469 Member
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    voicimonpasseport wrote: »
    Hi guys,

    I’m not really sure where to post this, but I have a question regarding alcohol dependency or unhealthy habits. I went on a first date with someone who was great, but he had five beers. We hung out for about two and a half hours, I had two drinks. It worried me because towards the end he was slurring his speech a bit. I later told him that’s something that concerned me and he said he four beers which makes me question my memory. He also said that I should get to know him better and is surprised I was worried about his lifestyle. I just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship so my reaction was to apologize for suggesting it was something to be concerened about. But I’m worried his response was also an indication that he was caught off guard and may have some mild alcoholism brewing.


    I’ve done a lot of work to change my life and circumstances and my OWN habits with alcohol. Does this sound concerning to any of you, or familiar?

    He may have just been nervous and had more than he normally does, however, you shouldn't have to have a conversation to voice your concerns about that on the first date. If you have questions whatsoever, and especially considering your past issues, then I wouldn't see any reason to entertain a second date. You shouldn't have to apologize for voicing your opinion on something that concerns you on your first date. You said you have worked on your life and habits and that is awesome. If you have concerns, then don't give anyone the opportunity to drag you back into a negative place.
  • BrSpiritus
    BrSpiritus Posts: 190 Member
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    If he's drinking to the point of slurred speech then "Houston, we have a problem". I used to be an alcoholic for 2 years but I was able to step away from it 17 years ago.
  • voicimonpasseport
    voicimonpasseport Posts: 10 Member
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    LouisTamsi wrote: »
    If he's drinking to the point of slurred speech then "Houston, we have a problem". I used to be an alcoholic for 2 years but I was able to step away from it 17 years ago.


    Good for you! I know that takes a lot of trail and error until you’re really ready to surrender your habits and launch forward.
  • voicimonpasseport
    voicimonpasseport Posts: 10 Member
    edited July 2018
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    fishgutzy wrote: »
    way back when I was a drunk I thought 6 to 12 or more beers on a Saturday was normal.
    Been sober 35 years now. Missed the whole micro/craft brew explosion in the US. :D



    35 years?! Your body is happy with you for saving it. You’ve come a long way, sir. The micro brewery craft beer this is just a fancy way to get drunk off of beer now anyway.
  • BrSpiritus
    BrSpiritus Posts: 190 Member
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    voicimonpasseport wrote: »
    Good for you! I know that takes a lot of trail and error until you’re really ready to surrender your habits and launch forward.

    Not really, just hitting rock bottom usually does it.
  • WickAndArtoo
    WickAndArtoo Posts: 773 Member
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    voicimonpasseport wrote: »
    voicimonpasseport wrote: »
    Hi guys,

    I’m not really sure where to post this, but I have a question regarding alcohol dependency or unhealthy habits. I went on a first date with someone who was great, but he had five beers. We hung out for about two and a half hours, I had two drinks. It worried me because towards the end he was slurring his speech a bit. I later told him that’s something that concerned me and he said he four beers which makes me question my memory. He also said that I should get to know him better and is surprised I was worried about his lifestyle. I just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship so my reaction was to apologize for suggesting it was something to be concerened about. But I’m worried his response was also an indication that he was caught off guard and may have some mild alcoholism brewing.


    I’ve done a lot of work to change my life and circumstances and my OWN habits with alcohol. Does this sound concerning to any of you, or familiar?


    Hey guys, just wanted to post an update. Thank you all for your opinions. I learned that I should trust my instincts and that regardless of whether or not he had a problem, it would have been a problem for me. I told him that it concerned me, while being as kind as possible, and he deleted me on all accounts. If that doesn’t speak for itself then I don’t know what does! Second date? Nope. But I stumbled across someone pretty amazing just a day later and we’ve shared creative, adventurous, and for the most part, alcohol free moments together getting to know one another. Interesting how life works...

    Yay for happy endings! I am so glad you did what you felt was right, and it’s too bad that he reacted that way, but that’s great that you have been enjoying time with someone else!! Thank you for the update :)
  • pauliet7
    pauliet7 Posts: 31 Member
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    Run girl. The guy is gaslighting. You are worth more. And I don't even know you. 😎
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    pauliet7 wrote: »
    Run girl. The guy is gaslighting. You are worth more. And I don't even know you. 😎

    maybe ready the update...
  • stfpa
    stfpa Posts: 62 Member
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    It could be that he has an alcohol dependency or he could be telling the truth and just drank too much without it being more serious than that. But I grew up with an alcoholic so honestly, if you’re at all worried about it I think you should just stop talking to this guy. It’s not worth it getting involved and risking it being or becoming an actual problem, especially since it seems like you only recently met him
  • dsboohead
    dsboohead Posts: 1,900 Member
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    It was one date.....questioning the 1st date says there should not be a 2nd!

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