Complete change needed

amayla0407 · July 2018

I’m in need of a complete life change. For the past 6 years I have been in a toxic relationship. I’ve allowed myself to let myself go in every way.

He sits home playing video games, doesn’t contribute to our household, let’s me do everything while he does barely anything. He doesn’t want me to leave the house without him but he never wants to leave it so I’m stuck.

I’ve gained so much weight since being with him because I am miserable. But sadly, scared to be alone. Scared I won’t find someone.

It’s sad but true. So I let him stay so I’m not alone. But I don’t love him anymore. I want to love myself. It’s time to fix what I’ve broken and heal myself mentally and physically.

It’s time to choose me. But how do I let go of a toxic man? How do I choose me?

kommodevaran · July 2018

You let go of anything toxic when you realize it's not worth it. The process can take a long time and much pain.

amayla0407 · July 2018

Very very true.

mochapygmy · July 2018

The fact that he doesn't want you to leave the house without him seriously concerns me. Do you feel safe? What would happen if you decided to go out to run am errand without him?

You deserve to have a partner that is supportive and that you are happy to be with. Worst case scenario you end up alone. What is worse being alone but not feeling burdened and restricted or being with someone that you don't love, that you recognize as toxic, that doesn't help?

88olds · July 2018

Maybe this. I didn’t have relationship issues, it was the only issue I didn’t have. I weighed 285lbs. Say I was a stroke waiting to happen. Maybe I was trying to kill myself. For certain I didn’t care if I lived or died.

I didn’t decide to love my 285lbs self but I decided I was entitled to basic human respect. Everyone is entitled to basic respect. I decided I was entitled to that, and it had to start up close and personal, me respecting me.

When I decided I wanted to lose weight, I started to think in terms of me backing my own decisions about the life I wanted to have. I didn’t want to be the fat guy, dressing like a slob sitting on a bar stool everyday at at 5:30. I set out to respect myself.

You are entitled to respect. Someone taking advantage of you is the opposite of respect. Which is what you’ve got now. Just basics. The bills are coming in, where’s his half?

The good news is, you can start respecting yourself right now. And, it’s habit forming.

Last- in my job, I’ve come into contact with some legitimately awful people. Even people in jail get some human bacics. What you weigh has nothing to do with your right to basic respect. Weight loss is mostly just the process of swapping bad habits for better habits and problem solving. Overweight is not a character flaw. Fight for yourself. No one can do it for you.

mamasara2 · July 2018

I feel ya. I divorced an absolutely horrid human being almost ten years ago. Moving on, even from a bad situation is scary. It's the unknown thing.
One thing to ponder is that you aren't really alone when you find yourself again. It's empowering and absolutely glorious to be able to go for a walk, or a movie when ever YOU want. Not having to work around someone else's schedule.

Sending lots of love and good vibes your way. I sincerely hope you take the opportunity to be you, regardless of your fears.

Ditching the things (and people) that aren't working for you will open up space for people and experiences that you actually enjoy.

Take the leap, love!

Lounmoun · July 2018

amayla0407 wrote: »

It’s time to choose me. But how do I let go of a toxic man? How do I choose me?

In what ways would being alone be worse than this relationship? Think about that.
Maybe start thinking of the positives of independent life. You might go out more and be part of the world more instead of being alone with one toxic person for example.

You might benefit from talking to a professional therapist to help you get out and heal before starting a new relationship.

VUA21 · July 2018

Step 1) Remove toxic people from your life.

After that, everything gets easier and better.

There is no reason to stay in horrible relationships, this includes removing yourself from toxic family as well as friends and SO's.

LIBOR_cat · July 2018

First step is to get rid of him

devine_tina · July 2018

Feel free to send me a message if you like.

sytchequeen · July 2018

amayla0407 wrote: »

So I let him stay so I’m not alone.

I think, maybe, you are already alone.

Just go out. Do something, anything, out of the house. This might just give you the confidence to take another step.

Fursian · July 2018

Hi amayla,

You may benefit from reading up on co-dependency, and something that may also help you is looking into sites like olganon.org ( if your partner has problems regulating their gaming), could shed some light on your situation.

Ultimately we cannot change those around us, but we can certainly take steps now, to help ourselves.

Wishing you all the best!

brightresolve · July 2018

Lots of good ideas above. I too once found myself in a hostage situation restrictive, controlling relationship and mine was flat-out hostile whenever I stepped out of line. I too was afraid I would be alone and classed the toxic relationship I was used to as "better than being alone".

It wasn't though.

Have you thought about starting with a small step, where you are, like just coming back here and logging every bite today? You might be surprised how much confidence and strength and hope that could give you. Then comeback tomorrow and do it again. Don't worry about eating differently - just log every bite.

I suggest that because it's totally under your control, totally invisible to the boyfriend, and totally about you and you only. Taking care of you is a great place to start if you feel stuck.

All the best!

aimjolie · July 2018

You are a pretty girl. There is no reason in the world you need this loser to drag you down. You don’t need him. Did you ever think that once he is gone, you are now open to meet the guy who will love you and respect you for the good person you on? But don’t focus on a guy for now, focus on you, what makes you happy, focus on good health habits, enjoying talking and spending time with family and a few close friends. Make you the priority! You are so worth it! Be kind to yourself. When you feel better about yourself, getting better health habits, and have no one to drag you down, you will start losing the weight. In the meanwhile, know that you are not alone. Many have been in a toxic relationship (myself included), but this too shall pass. Be strong, be happy, and start to love yourself. You can do it!

Complete change needed

Replies

Categories