I'm almost back where I started

SteveMFP123
SteveMFP123 Posts: 298 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
Just need to vent. I've struggled with my weight since I was a kid, always being the fat one in class and I honestly never thought that would change, but at around 28yo I finally found the strength to lose weight, in total around 8st (50kg) in the space of 2 years. Since then I've been up and down constantly, however now I am back up to a whopping 20st (127kg), which is nearly where I started at around 23st (146kg). I'm 32yo, 33yo in January and I feel like I'm 70yo, my back hurts, my knees hurt and I'm in awful physical condition.

I've suffered with mental illness for many years, most notably clinical depression, social anxiety and agoraphobia so I've never had the best, or most normal life but there was a short time when I was finally healthy and I felt great and I hate myself so much for gorging myself back up to the gargantuan size. I recently hit "rock bottom", after a day of eating non stop I woke up the next morning feeling physically ill, and that feeling continued until the next morning, I was disgusted with myself. The nail in the coffin was when I ordered some new clothes shortly after as mine are all too small and the newer, bigger clothes didn't fit, looking down at myself I just started crying. It was an awful feeling but I needed it as I'm now more motivated than ever to get back to my lowest weight of 14st 8lbs (92kg).

For exercise I'm planning on doing some labor for my dear old Nana, her front and back garden is in TV show bad condition so it'll take awhile to sort it, I figure I'll burn a ton of calories in the process as I generally don't move, plus I'll be doing something nice for her so win win.

I'm setting myself a cautious goal of losing half a stone in a month and I hope I make it, once I start to see the weight dropping off I'll know I'll catch the bug like last time.

Replies

  • DebTavares
    DebTavares Posts: 87 Member
    I have gone up and down myself and been there with the mental illness. I strongly recommend cardio for depression. It will be the best anti depressant you will take. Just keep at it and the weight will come off.
  • SteveMFP123
    SteveMFP123 Posts: 298 Member
    DebTavares wrote: »
    I have gone up and down myself and been there with the mental illness. I strongly recommend cardio for depression. It will be the best anti depressant you will take. Just keep at it and the weight will come off.

    Depression is the killer for me, food has always been my go to when I'm having one of my bad days, and while I'm eating it I do genuinely feel better, but it's not long before the shame and regret kicks in. It's a vicious cycle I will always struggle with I'm sure, I just hope I can win more than I lose.
  • RoyBeck
    RoyBeck Posts: 947 Member
    I know how you feel. I don't suffer from depression but I've yo-yo'd all my adult life. I've never felt better than when I weighed 210. I'm currently back at 252 but well on the road to 200. It's a lonely experience I've found - losing weight - especially as my wife can eat whatever and whenever.

    Stay strong and talk to your family and friends as often as you need to and add me if you need someone to support you. Good luck.
  • motivatedmartha
    motivatedmartha Posts: 1,108 Member
    This time around set yourself realistic goals (use the targets mfp gives you) and eat to the calorie allowance it gives you. Perhaps start out just changing one thing about the way you eat at a time? Baby steps - be patient, slow and steady is really the best so you don't feel horrendously deprived and learn the habits that will keep you slim when you get there. Doing some work for your Nan is a brilliant idea - you can get some really good burns gardening etc - although mfp is perhaps a bit too generous so I would aim to eat half of those back. Try build some fun stuff into the process too. Set small goals (measurements/clothes etc and not just weight) for every few weeks, record them and tick them off as you go. That way you can see your progress but don't get overwhelmed.
    I do not suffer from depression and wouldn't minimise it in any way; however I do find activity is very good for making me feel better about life. Accept all offers of support you receive - Good Luck X
  • CarvedTones
    CarvedTones Posts: 2,340 Member
    Getting proper treatment for my bipolar depression was a major factor in making changes and sticking to it to lose the weight and (so far, for 4 months) keep it off.
  • mkculs
    mkculs Posts: 316 Member
    You are a worthy person deserving love and respect no matter your size. Self-loathing leads to self-punishment and sabotage of healthy goals, so let go of those negative feelings. I hope you have found good medical providers to treat the depression. Working in the garden for your nana sounds like a sweet thing to do, and being outside and exposed to sunlight can help your mood. I second the idea of starting some cardio—can you walk 1min (or 5) away from the house (and back of course), and add a minute a day? Or go around the block, adding a bit Day by Day? Best of luck.
  • HealthyGinny
    HealthyGinny Posts: 821 Member
    I've sent you a FR - I lost a lot of weight thanks to MFP but gained it all back mainly because of my anxiety disorder. I am a pretty positive person though so I am willing to offer support and cheerleading :)
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 27,886 Member
    SteveMFP123 wrote: »
    Just need to vent. I've struggled with my weight since I was a kid, always being the fat one in class and I honestly never thought that would change, but at around 28yo I finally found the strength to lose weight, in total around 8st (50kg) in the space of 2 years. Since then I've been up and down constantly, however now I am back up to a whopping 20st (127kg), which is nearly where I started at around 23st (146kg). I'm 32yo, 33yo in January and I feel like I'm 70yo, my back hurts, my knees hurt and I'm in awful physical condition.

    I've suffered with mental illness for many years, most notably clinical depression, social anxiety and agoraphobia so I've never had the best, or most normal life but there was a short time when I was finally healthy and I felt great and I hate myself so much for gorging myself back up to the gargantuan size. I recently hit "rock bottom", after a day of eating non stop I woke up the next morning feeling physically ill, and that feeling continued until the next morning, I was disgusted with myself. The nail in the coffin was when I ordered some new clothes shortly after as mine are all too small and the newer, bigger clothes didn't fit, looking down at myself I just started crying. It was an awful feeling but I needed it as I'm now more motivated than ever to get back to my lowest weight of 14st 8lbs (92kg).

    For exercise I'm planning on doing some labor for my dear old Nana, her front and back garden is in TV show bad condition so it'll take awhile to sort it, I figure I'll burn a ton of calories in the process as I generally don't move, plus I'll be doing something nice for her so win win.

    I'm setting myself a cautious goal of losing half a stone in a month and I hope I make it, once I start to see the weight dropping off I'll know I'll catch the bug like last time.

    Exercise is critical for me to manage my depression and anxiety. I often have to force myself to start, but once I do, I'm glad I did. I give myself permission to stop after 15 minutes if I need to, but I never do.

    I also have prescriptions for various pharmaceuticals. I've tried a number of ADs, and really like Wellbutrin. It's a tiny bit speedy, which I find helpful, and is not associated with weight gain, unlike other ADs.

    Are you getting treatment? My brother is in worse shape than I am and I think we could have lost him if he wasn't in treatment and didn't get his meds fixed. He is taking meds associated with weight gain, but because he walks and does a lot of work for our mother, he lost the weight he gained in the hospital and has maintained a healthy weight for years.

    Yay for gardening! I put in a new shade garden under a tree last fall. It took me a long time and was very satisfying. I've run out of big gardening projects in my yard, so have little projects going on at two of my neighbors, which I think will expand to another two neighbors this fall or next spring.
  • stevephi01
    stevephi01 Posts: 240 Member
    SteveMFP123 wrote: »
    Just need to vent. ... I recently hit "rock bottom"

    Venting is OK, hitting rock bottom is truly a life changer - a bit harsh, if you embrace it, really hard at the time to see that. I can identify with you with dealing with depression and by my 30's with weight. In my late teens and early 20's I had manic mood swings to the point people thought I was on recreational drugs. As I gained weight those moods disappeared, essentially one problem solved became the next.
    Lived with that till, like you, had health issues and decided to shift shift some weight, worked OK till I hit an insurmountable wall and gained it all back. Roll forward 9 years and decide I cannot stand the pains anymore any have another go. I very nearly ended up on anti-depressants along with my BP and thyroid tabs.
    I averted the AD tabs and have been able to toss the BP medication now. My DR has backtracked on lowering my thyroid medication.
    Some of my problems were being on prescription medications. I started from a high of 20+st, am now 14st.

    I can tell you it isn't an easy journey down, you probably already know that especially if there are meds involved.

    I've shifted 4st and shudder to tell you this is when some of my biggest problems manifested themselves. I moved from a pill push Dr to the Snr partner who seems displeased at my attempt to lose weight and get off medication. Seems quite happy with my weight as it is having downgraded from obese to mid overweight.

    Work with your Dr('s), you use st, so I guess you are under an NHS Dr. If this is the case, understand their hands are tied. Read up on any medication you may be on and the side effects - many lead to weight gain. I am in no way demining mental health, having suffered from it most of my life - take a look at the vitamins, especially the B group, zinc, potassium, magnesium, folic acid etc.
    In spite of my understanding, I still do not want to socialise. It's in my makeup rather than my size - I've always been a bit anti-social.

    My exercise is walking.

    Good luck and all the best.

Categories