Advice needed: How to tell a family member that they need to lose weight
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Piqueaboo
Posts: 1,193 Member
I spoke with a woman today who has a severely overweight nephew. He is 28 years old and has 100+lbs to lose, and as he lives overseas and just came to visit she saw how serious the impact on his health was - we live in Paris and it's very hot right now, he couldn't go sightseeing or walk around too much because it is difficult at his size, they in the end restricted their activities to airconditioned places near the metro stations, etc.
She adores her nephew and has never raised his weight as a topic of discussion with him, his mother, her sister, has already done so and from the sound of it it's been very awful, she mentioned threats "unless you lose the weight...' etc among other things, I'm sure some of you on the forum have experience with this yourselves. i told her from the outset that her sister needed to drop it and come from a place of love and support rather than desperation and unhappiness.
Today I told her about my own story, she asked me a lot of questions of what it took for me to get started, how I did it, if my life has improved, that kind of stuff; she explained that she's been having sleepless nights because she wants to talk to her nephew but do it in a way that will be kind and helpful, she genuinely wants to help him. She asked my advice and I thought I'd put the question out here because I only have my own story, and it was uninfluenced by my family.
Perhaps some of you here have helpful advice for her? Of course he will only do something if he wants to himself, but from the sounds of it he's not having an easy time with his parents and perhaps a different approach and support may help? I told her about MFP and how awesome it was, but I don't know how a family member raising the topic should look like, and just sending him a link is probably not the best approach.
Any advice/feedback would be appreciated!
She adores her nephew and has never raised his weight as a topic of discussion with him, his mother, her sister, has already done so and from the sound of it it's been very awful, she mentioned threats "unless you lose the weight...' etc among other things, I'm sure some of you on the forum have experience with this yourselves. i told her from the outset that her sister needed to drop it and come from a place of love and support rather than desperation and unhappiness.
Today I told her about my own story, she asked me a lot of questions of what it took for me to get started, how I did it, if my life has improved, that kind of stuff; she explained that she's been having sleepless nights because she wants to talk to her nephew but do it in a way that will be kind and helpful, she genuinely wants to help him. She asked my advice and I thought I'd put the question out here because I only have my own story, and it was uninfluenced by my family.
Perhaps some of you here have helpful advice for her? Of course he will only do something if he wants to himself, but from the sounds of it he's not having an easy time with his parents and perhaps a different approach and support may help? I told her about MFP and how awesome it was, but I don't know how a family member raising the topic should look like, and just sending him a link is probably not the best approach.
Any advice/feedback would be appreciated!
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Replies
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He knows he's over weight, unless he asks for help, don't say anything.18
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My best advice is she should mind her own business. If she brings up the topic without him asking for advice, he will most likely resent her a little bit.
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Completely agree. He knows he’s over weight. He is living is every second. Unless he brings it up the topic is taboo.10
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OMG!! What business it of anyone else? He is 28 freakin' years old. He knows he is overweight and it is no ones business but his if he wants to lose weight but his. Leave him alone. If someone had told me that I needed to lose weight when I did need to, I would have told them to go <>^%$ themselves. I knew. That is just plain hurtful.10
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Take an interest in his health. Ask is there anything they can do to help him recover his health. The excess weight is a symptom. He knows how unwell even ill he is, he knows he is restricting their enjoyment too and probably feels extremely guilty about it. Guilt helps no one. He needs help of a supportive kind not being told what he knows too well already. May be there is a specialist in Paris who could put him on the right road. It is doubtful he is over eating, I certainly was not. I was even begged by my father, if you can't do it for yourself, do it for me. I would have done anything I could for my father. Until I learned about Salicylate intolerance, and other intolerance I did not have a hope in a very hot place. Regular doctors are not taught properly how the body can go very badly wrong, they learn to treat the symptoms not to get to the heart of the problem, the cause of those symptoms. Theirs is a one size fits all approach. Eat less, move more will not work with a broken body. One has to be healthy to loose weight!
Knowing what I do now, I would seek out a Functional Practitioner who could track down the cause of the problem using the same blood tests as any other doctor only works out what to do to rectify the situation. My heart goes out to the nephew. I'm 25 years on since that conversation with my father, he is long gone. I'm 100+ lb down still more to go, none of It started to move until, as I said, till I eliminated salicylate, then casein and addressed other issues like histamine intolerance which is more than the hay fever sniffles. I really hope someone will help him regain his health. I have a better quality of life now at 68 than I had at 38 and younger.
Mostly its tell him how important he is to them and he really matters for himself, they would like him healthy again.8 -
Did the nephew bring up how his mom talked to him about it? If so, she should just let him know that if he ever wants to have a no-judgement conversation about it she is available. If he brings up health concerns or disappointment of how his weight affects what he can do, she could let him know that you lost weight using MFP and give him the website.
But if he doesn't bring it up, unfortunately she should probably stay out of it. If she initiates it in any way, she is risking him getting defensive and pulling away. As others have said, he's an adult, he knows he's overweight and it's affecting him, and it's his choice to do something about it or not. Maybe when he leaves, she can express how wonderful it was to see him, how much she cares about him, and if he ever needs help, support, or just someone to talk to (about anything), she is always there for him.
In the meantime, maybe modeling a good diet and an active lifestyle while he is around will help plant the seed in his brain. It really is terrible to watch someone struggle that way, when you can see the way out but they just won't go through the door. But if he's already being pushed in a bad way, she would probably just be seen as piling on
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No amount of external pressure will make someone ready to lose weight. That's a personal decision. When and if he's ready, he can seek out help.
It only creates unneeded conflict for others to harp about his weight. Everyone needs to keep their eyes on their own plate. Bothering him about his weight may just make him dig in his heels and take longer to be ready.2 -
I had more (much more) than 100 lbs to lose and wouldn't hear it when anyone brought it up. My default answer was "really? and here I thought I was skinny" then deflected to another topic. What I do know is that I got interested when my sister suggested hiking one day. The idea intrigued me, but I knew I couldn't walk that far and I had to say no, but I felt like I was missing out. That and other events paved the way to eventually decide to lose weight, and getting bad blood tests was the only straw that made it happen. Sadly, you just can't make it happen for others until they decide they want to do it.
No matter how much she cares, she can't do much about it. I would tell her to stay out of it until he himself expresses the desire to lose weight, at which point she can make herself available for non-intrusive support.8 -
I think she should just tell him that she loves him and wants him to be happy and healthy because he deserves to feel good.
Then she could ask if he wants to talk about what he wants to do, how he is feeling. She should listen to him not decide for him what he needs.
I think she should avoid telling him what to do or how to do it.2 -
Dont say anything. Hes at an age where it's his decision and his alone5
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It's best to lead by example to influence someone's desire to lose weight rather than to verbally tell them to do it2
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lalawaterlala wrote: »It's best to lead by example to influence someone's desire to lose weight rather than to verbally tell them to do it
Even "leading by example" can have an underhanded vibe of superiority that is offputting to some people who are obese. If it feels acted out or exaggerated and not a real choice someone chose for themselves, it can backfire. The only way that would work is if the person leading by example are just doing their thing regardless of anything or anyone and the person who is looking is ready to see.6 -
One time, once, tell him that she’s afraid he’s putting his life at risk. Or how ever she wants to put it. Then drop it forever.
Will this get him to change? Unlikely, probably highly unlikely. But this way, if he drop dead or has some serious weight related health issue, she might not feel so guilty.2 -
Nope he knows he is living on borrowed time. It has to be originated by him and no one else. Stay out of it or it could backfire!
Just love him no matter his size!2 -
I would say nothing, unless explicitly asked for help. Although obesity is unhealthy, people have the right to free will. That, and saying something won't work, anyway.1
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Advice needed: How to tell a family member that they need to lose weight
How?
You don't.4 -
Thank you everyone for your answers, I've passed everything on and she said it gave her a lot of insight and food for thought!0
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TavistockToad wrote: »He knows he's over weight, unless he asks for help, don't say anything.
I agree with you. He knows he should lose weight. He sees it every time he looks in the mirror. No need to say anything.0 -
well I think the writer is talking about a helpful kind intervention, nothing wrong w that. do it w love. be kind. be direct. stop when done, don't badger and offer your services.0
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I think if you love someone you owe them the conversation, better that than crying at their funeral because you didn't want to hurt their feelings. I definitely dont think being mean nasty or judgemental is the answer. Come from a place of love and a we can do this together. I believe in you.3
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