Exercise NSV

I was really down yesterday. I mean, I was super-duper low. I was stressing about some very bad decisions on the parts of my friends (engagements, eating disorders...heavy stuff) and a lot of that stress was being redirected to where it always goes -- a lot of negative, hating self-talk. You know the kind, "I'm so fat", "Why do I bother", "It's never going to get better", etc etc etc.

So where does the NSV come in?

Being in such a negative space in my head, especially while dwelling on issues of friends with EDs and my own poor body image, I didn't think the gym was going to be a healthy place for me. But I knew that if I didn't go I would be wallowing in guilt later that night. So, right after work, I called my partner. He talked me down a little, but I was still feeling pretty cruddy. Nonetheless, I grabbed my gym shoes and went up to the gym (20th floor) to battle through what was sure to be a lackluster and downright lazy and unfulfilling gym session.

My [weak] resolve all but broke when I got up there. GYM GIRLS had taken over. You may know the ones I mean -- they sit around in the free weights area "stretching" (read: doing nothing but taking up space) for 20 minutes, talk on the cell phones, gossip loudly, and maybe take two steps on an elliptical the whole time they're there. And it was worse than usual. Instead of the usual 2 or 3 I have to endure in our tiny gym, there was a whole gaggle of them.

But then, I realized what I needed. I needed some me time. I needed to not be thinking about the gym girls, or my friends and their engagements and other issues. I needed not to think about the scale, or my belly fat, or whether I was ever going to be happy with my body. I just needed some quiet.

So instead of suiting up to hit the weights, I decided to shrug off some of that emotional baggage. I donned my sunglasses, and went outside. I took a 3-mile run along the lake and didn't think I single thought the whole time, except about how calm the water was, how happy the swimmers looked, how great it felt to be out with so many other runners, and, most importantly, how great it felt that I was capable of this.

When I finished, I felt a 1000x times lighter. I felt clean and happy (and really sweaty).

And it's moments like this that I realize that I can't ever let this be only about what I look like, or the size of my body. It can't be about numbers, and worry, and constant countingcountingcounting. It's about letting go for a little while, and just letting myself feel good.