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Old demons creeping back in...

wellnesscoachmegg
wellnesscoachmegg Posts: 68 Member
edited October 2024 in Motivation and Support
Hi everyone...so, in the past I've battled bulimia, and I've worked hard for YEARS to come to a place where I'm this "normal" about food. I'm slowly accepting that it doesn't have to be this all or nothing mentality where it's either, eat nothing, or eat everything. I'm grateful for my progress, and the fact that I've made great strides in reigning back the binging. I've been really good about getting exercise, and eating lots of whole foods. But, today has been rough. I am feeling really anxious, and feeling like all my hard work has been in vain because I truly do still want to binge. My body and mind are exhausted--but I know if I don't count calories and exercise, I'll go back to how I was before. I wasn't happy then, either. I guess I'm just feeling very defeated--that things will never get any easier no matter how vigilant I am. At this point I don't see a likely scenario where I can stop binging.

Has anyone delt with this? Or felt this way?

Replies

  • eillamarie
    eillamarie Posts: 862 Member
    I've battled bullemia, binge eating disorders, & have had issues with anorexic tendancies (but never actually been anorexic). I've worked SO hard the past 10 months to get over all these issues, but the past month has been super difficult, & today has been one of my worst days. So ya, I know exactly how you feel.

    *hug* ? lol
  • wellnesscoachmegg
    wellnesscoachmegg Posts: 68 Member
    Have you been able to pin-point why this month has been so difficult for you? I mean, I think insight is helpful...I'm just having trouble figuring out why I'm struggling so much right now...
  • bprague
    bprague Posts: 564 Member
    First of all: congratulations on trying to take back control. I've never dealt with an ED, but my sister has, my friends have, and you have every right to be proud of getting this far.

    There is no reason that you cannot do this. None. You didn't binge and purge yesterday, you don't have to do it today or tomorrow. Take this one day at a time, but everyday you overcome the impulse is another day you can say that you succeeded. This is about you being happy with who you are. Bulimia doesn't improve self image.

    I would suggest that you get professional help if you are not already- just to keep you on track. If you are feeling anxious, I would say work out the anxiety. I personally like to run when I am feeling uptight. Food isn't an enemy. You will get through this.
  • flutterby6973
    flutterby6973 Posts: 50
    i totally understand ...
    i have been on both spectrums but cannot find that happy medium ... i am doing well now losing weight but try not to go overboard b/c i def dont want to be on the other side again either
    it becomes an obsession though so just try not to go there ... easier said than done, i know ... self talk helps but if you find yourself struggling then you may need to talk to someone for guidance

    good luck... stay strong ... and breathe
  • hypotrochoid
    hypotrochoid Posts: 842 Member
    Been there. Well, am there. I don't think that it's possible to ever really completely be 'cured'.

    Figuring out the triggers are what helped me the most. Then It's just a matter of trying to deal with it on a day to day basis.

    Though at least you've realised and haven't given in to the impulse. Which is great!
  • wellnesscoachmegg
    wellnesscoachmegg Posts: 68 Member
    Thank you for your replies everyone...your thoughtful responses mean a lot to me.

    I have received professional help, in fact, in my late teens and early 20's I was seriously anorectic, and was admitted to an inpatient facility. I spent a lot of time getting my body and mind well there, and when I was discharged, spent years working with a therapist who specialized in eating disorders. I've definitely come a long way.

    I think, if I'm being truthful, my frustration and hopelessness today comes from the fact that I've been fighting so hard--restraining myself from binging and purging--being on plan with my daily exercise, and yet...I still hate my body. Realistically, I am grateful that my poor body has come as far as it has. My last physical check up I was in excellent health. Great numbers all around. Its the outside though, its the constant vigilance and still the unhappiness I feel when I look in the mirror. I know this may never change, because of my skewed perspective, so I keep "faking it until I make it", its just that today has been hard. I probably just need a good cry!
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