Tipping Scale at 300 Pounds (again...)

I've been off MFP for over a year, and even when I was popping on, it was not consistent. My highest weight was 350 pounds in April of 2011. I have got down as low as 275, but my weight just comes back on and stays. I'm now struggling to stay under 300 pounds, but the scale was teetering at 298 this morning.

My issues:

A complete sense of self-hatred and loathing.
Disgust with my body and my relationship with food.
Helplessness over the power of food.
Binge Eating Disorder
Compulsive Overeating
Periods of binge/purge cycle
Obsession with Food
(also married to a man with severe food issues, but he is managing better than me...)
Depression and Anxiety
Several severe auto immune disorders include severe ulcerative colitis. The medication caused me to quickly gain 40 pounds after the illness dropped me to 260 pounds last spring. (I know I ate the food, but Prednisone makes you RAVENOUSLY hungry which is perfect for a compulsive overeater.

I've been fat since 5 years old, went through over a decade of abuse and severe trauma and have always used food for comfort and a means to attempt to emotionally heal (or, simply cope). Vicious cycle, need to eat to live, too fat to exercise and all the other things that many people on this site boil down to "excuses".

I'm too sore to walk (fibromyalgia and both rheumatoid and osteoarthritis) for any great distance, but I try. I'm too fat to go swimming - sorry not gonna happen, and I can ride a bike for about 4 minutes before the seat riding up my *kitten* and the feeling of my kneecaps wanting to bust out of the joint makes me abandon it in short order.

I wake each morning in severe pain, and tell myself over and over and over again: not today. you won't give in today. you can do it. you can do it.....until the voice in my head takes over and tells me: just one more of this or one more of that won't hurt. I'm just one comment or glare away from binging to the point that I throw up. Only one person has to look at the tiny space beside me on the bus seat and roll their eyes, and that can send me into a week-long binge.

I'm putting this out there again, not because I've given up, but because every single day I wake up with good intentions, even packing myself healthy lunches and snacks, and end the day more often than not in a pile of defeat. It's not as simple as calories in/ calories out. And yes, I've been to therapy, but all they do is suggest alternative methods for coping without ever going into the trauma and real issues that are causing the behaviour in the first place.

I'm giving it another try and am going to try to come here daily to log. But I'm sitting here starving, with a deep pain in my stomach, and nothing to feed my emotional burdens. Healthy breakfast: check! Healthy snacks: check! Healthy lunch sitting and waiting for my in the office fridge? Checkaroo! Fit Bit strapped to my wrist with 2500 steps logged before noon? Check! But I cannot escape the voice, the demon, the monster telling me to eat. eat. eat. eat. eat. eat!!!!!!!

So, here I sit, struggling with my inner self and wishing there was more I could do to gain control over this.