Feeling low today

hestavi
hestavi Posts: 21 Member
in Chit-Chat
I visited a plastic surgeon today.

I had a number of concerns, of which facial asymmetry and my eyelids were of prime concern to me. I was ready to spend some money if it could help with my insecurities, and probably improve my luck in dating. I had already lost about 40 pounds, but my face hadn't improved much.

The surgeon was pleasant and friendly, but when I expressed my concern to him, he rattled off a laundry list of things wrong with my face. All valid points, and he wasn’t rude or condescending- just that it confirmed my worst fears.

I just can’t take it any more. I have this pain inside that’s chipping away at my heart. I have tried every possible way to deal with my insecurities and my ugliness. I thought it wouldn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, but I am 28 and have always been single. I have even put myself out there, but I end up getting friend-zoned. Guys only want cheap sex from me, but they are not attracted to me.

I thought that maybe some of the things I found wrong with my face were in my head, but this incident has fully cemented my worries.

Just wanted to share.

Replies

  • Fantasyfan882017
    Fantasyfan882017 Posts: 26 Member
    The plastic surgeon will want your buisness though so of cource will agree with you. Don't take it to heart & try not to feel bad.
  • caco_ethes
    caco_ethes Posts: 11,962 Member
    edited September 2018
    I’ve always found this one saying really helpful: “what you look like is the least interesting thing about you”

    That maybe doesn’t mean much from a stranger but I hope you realize all the ways you’re amazing.

    And don’t forget that plastic surgeons in general get a fatter paycheck the more they upsell their services.
  • iMago
    iMago Posts: 8,714 Member
    its hard to "hear", but don't let that sort of thing bother you.
    i got a droopy eye/lid and its just part of who i am. plenty of other faults too. nobody's perfect.
    you can let it define you or you can try to transcend it.

    for all the "failures" you see in yourself, i'd reckon there's at least one thing you have or you can do that no one else on this earth can. that's true for everyone.
    you just gotta keep on looking to find that thing, and then the little things won't matter as much.
  • stewarm01
    stewarm01 Posts: 331 Member
    Don't really know what to say. Most men take on the attitude of "it is what it is" and we normally don't worry about stuff like looks, big bellies, etc. We just look our personal best and move on. Someone out there will like you for you, your personality, and how you treat others.

    So don't sweat it. Be you.
  • hestavi
    hestavi Posts: 21 Member
    caco_ethes wrote: »
    I’ve always found this one saying really helpful: “what you look like is the least interesting thing about you”

    That maybe doesn’t mean much from a stranger but I hope you realize all the ways you’re amazing.

    And don’t forget that plastic surgeons in general get a fatter paycheck the more they upsell their services.

    Believe me, that's what I have done all these years. Finding my passion, looking for things that excite me and building up my confidence.

    But it doesn't take much for all of it to come crashing down. People make comments on my appearance all the time. I've heard, you're messed up, you look weird, odd, everything. I once even performed with a dance company that cut me out from the video. I am not making this up.

    Today it all just came crashing down. I can't take it any more- I seem to have this pattern of working really hard for anything in life and then it just does not happen. This coupled with how my looks are impacting my life just makes me want to give up.
  • hestavi
    hestavi Posts: 21 Member
    Fantasyfan882017 wrote: »
    The plastic surgeon will want your buisness though so of cource will agree with you. Don't take it to heart & try not to feel bad.

    I agree with him wanting my business, but this isn't the first time i have heard those things. I do not mean to contradict you, though.
  • hestavi
    hestavi Posts: 21 Member
    iMago wrote: »
    its hard to "hear", but don't let that sort of thing bother you.
    i got a droopy eye/lid and its just part of who i am. plenty of other faults too. nobody's perfect.
    you can let it define you or you can try to transcend it.

    for all the "failures" you see in yourself, i'd reckon there's at least one thing you have or you can do that no one else on this earth can. that's true for everyone.
    you just gotta keep on looking to find that thing, and then the little things won't matter as much.

    Thanks. I do keep trying to improve my self worth on a regular basis, but every once in awhile something like this happens and things just come crashing down.
  • iMago
    iMago Posts: 8,714 Member
    hestavi wrote: »
    iMago wrote: »
    its hard to "hear", but don't let that sort of thing bother you.
    i got a droopy eye/lid and its just part of who i am. plenty of other faults too. nobody's perfect.
    you can let it define you or you can try to transcend it.

    for all the "failures" you see in yourself, i'd reckon there's at least one thing you have or you can do that no one else on this earth can. that's true for everyone.
    you just gotta keep on looking to find that thing, and then the little things won't matter as much.

    Thanks. I do keep trying to improve my self worth on a regular basis, but every once in awhile something like this happens and things just come crashing down.

    every day's another day man.
    this place ain't so bad to help combat those feelings either. everybody here most likely has something about themselves they don't like much and want to try and change.

    just cause some of the people you meet in life are trash doesn't mean everyone is. maybe you'll see more positives if you're around more positivity.
  • fraukazi
    fraukazi Posts: 614 Member
    While I don't think plastic surgery should be the solution to finding happiness, I know that it can help with confidence and how you feel about yourself when you look in the mirror.
    That doesn't mean that I disagree with anyone in this thread, these are all very valid comments and auggestions. And looks are definitely not everything, but how happy you are with yourself absolutely is. And if surgery can help you find happiness within you, then it can be the right way.
    Obviously, there are plenty of things to be cautious of and to research before making that step. And don't listen to the surgeon and do everything he says.

    I hope you find your way to your own happiness.
  • hestavi
    hestavi Posts: 21 Member
    fraukazi wrote: »
    While I don't think plastic surgery should be the solution to finding happiness, I know that it can help with confidence and how you feel about yourself when you look in the mirror.
    That doesn't mean that I disagree with anyone in this thread, these are all very valid comments and auggestions. And looks are definitely not everything, but how happy you are with yourself absolutely is. And if surgery can help you find happiness within you, then it can be the right way.
    Obviously, there are plenty of things to be cautious of and to research before making that step. And don't listen to the surgeon and do everything he says.

    I hope you find your way to your own happiness.

    Thanks fraukazi, that's the spirit in which I went to the surgeon myself. Unfortunately, he said it's a skeletal problem and very complex to treat. The only solution he had was to lift one eyebrow which would cost me $4500. I decided against it, because the impact was going to be very minimal.

    Even if he had said he knew of procedures that would make a difference, I would still be reconciled. The fact that this makes me sound like some lost case is just depressing.
  • Millicent3015
    Millicent3015 Posts: 374 Member
    I don't know if a good plastic surgeon would try to upsell or point out all these other things they think you need unless you had asked them to. Unfortunately for some surgeons, money trumps ethics, and they will happily slice up people with dysmorphia without recommending any therapy because they know they will have those clients for life. Do you have a facial based dysmorphia? If so, therapy is your first port of call, either in conjunction with or followed by a consultation with a plastic surgeon who is going to follow your lead on what you want to change, not rattle off a list of things they say you could have that they can make money from. You're not their personal cash machine, so find one who doesn't treat you like that, and who offers sensible options, good advice, and tells you what you *don't* have to have done as well as what you could get done.
  • fraukazi
    fraukazi Posts: 614 Member
    Maybe you could get a second opinion. I really don't want to encourage surgery, but also think just one person might be very set in their ways of thinking - especially if they get paid so well for their advice.

    I cannot believe you are a lost case, surely there are people with experience of treating your condition/issue - surgically or preferably in other ways.
  • hestavi
    hestavi Posts: 21 Member
    fraukazi wrote: »
    Maybe you could get a second opinion. I really don't want to encourage surgery, but also think just one person might be very set in their ways of thinking - especially if they get paid so well for their advice.

    I cannot believe you are a lost case, surely there are people with experience of treating your condition/issue - surgically or preferably in other ways.

    Yes, I understand that you do not encourage surgery, but are being supportive. I am considering a second opinion, but I am just really mentally tired at this point. Maybe I will start looking for other options soon. Thank you for your advice :)
  • hestavi
    hestavi Posts: 21 Member
    Millicent3015 wrote: »
    I don't know if a good plastic surgeon would try to upsell or point out all these other things they think you need unless you had asked them to. Unfortunately for some surgeons, money trumps ethics, and they will happily slice up people with dysmorphia without recommending any therapy because they know they will have those clients for life. Do you have a facial based dysmorphia? If so, therapy is your first port of call, either in conjunction with or followed by a consultation with a plastic surgeon who is going to follow your lead on what you want to change, not rattle off a list of things they say you could have that they can make money from. You're not their personal cash machine, so find one who doesn't treat you like that, and who offers sensible options, good advice, and tells you what you *don't* have to have done as well as what you could get done.

    So I had pointed out in the new patient form that I was concerned with asymmetry in my eyes, which is when he pointed out all the other stuff. He also said he did not mean to make me feel self-conscious, so I knew he wasn't trying to be mean, but... I don't know. Maybe I do have facial dysmorphia. I am just really, really tired of being a failure in every way possible. I feel like life is not going anywhere, and as much as I try to overcome my physical shortcomings, they are resurfacing as a bigger roadblock.
  • yukfoo
    yukfoo Posts: 871 Member
    edited September 2018
    You need to speak to a therapist. Today. A trained listener with sincere empathy and the desire to help you see the positive in you. You have a lot to offer the world. Sometimes we just need to be reminded. You're not alone. Everyone has issues. You just need to see the world from a different angle. We all tend make things way worse for ourselves than they really are. Pick up the phone. There are people there to help. Changing the outside rarely changes the inside but changing the inside always changes the outside. Lastly...there are a lot of wonderful people in this world. To whom looks are of no importance (just ask my wife). You just haven't met them yet. Get out there and be who you are. You'll be surprised at who notices.
  • hestavi
    hestavi Posts: 21 Member
    yukfoo wrote: »
    You need to speak to a therapist. Today. A trained listener with sincere empathy and the desire to help you see the positive in you. You have a lot to offer the world. Sometimes we just need to be reminded. You're not alone. Everyone has issues. You just need to see the world from a different angle. We all tend make things way worse for ourselves than they really are. Pick up the phone. There are people there to help. Changing the outside rarely changes the inside but changing the inside always changes the outside. Lastly...there are a lot of wonderful people in this world. To whom looks are of no importance (just ask my wife). You just haven't met them yet. Get out there and be who you are. You'll be surprised at who notices.

    Thanks a lot. I do want to try therapy. It's a little expensive so I am holding out and until I find something in my budget.
    I guess there are people who look beyond looks-- I am probably yet to find them. A part of me still wants to be attracted to the guy I'm with, but then I realize that I have no options so i should keep attraction out of the equation.

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