Can I make my boyfriend more caring?
fastfoodietofitcutie
Posts: 523 Member
I’ve been dating a guy on and off for a few years. It’s not super serious but we love each other. We do not live together. A close family member was dying from brain cancer last year and he never once asked how she was doing. My Mom was recently in the hospital and isn’t doing well and he asked about her when it first happened but not since.
When I asked him why he doesn’t show concern his response was that if something important happened I would tell him so he doesn’t need to ask. A few of my girlfriends have said this is grounds for dumping him but a few others said that’s just how guys are.
Thoughts?
When I asked him why he doesn’t show concern his response was that if something important happened I would tell him so he doesn’t need to ask. A few of my girlfriends have said this is grounds for dumping him but a few others said that’s just how guys are.
Thoughts?
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Replies
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fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »I’ve been dating a guy on and off for a few years. It’s not super serious but we love each other. We do not live together. A close family member was dying from brain cancer last year and he never once asked how she was doing. My Mom was recently in the hospital and isn’t doing well and he asked about her when it first happened but not since.
When I asked him why he doesn’t show concern his response was that if something important happened I would tell him so he doesn’t need to ask. A few of my girlfriends have said this is grounds for dumping him but a few others said that’s just how guys are.
Thoughts?
If you guys are not super serious, then I wouldn't think of him in a super serious way. Don't invest in people more than they invest in you.
He wants to spend your young years waiting on him to get serious, while he plays the field on your "off again" times.
When you get older and break up with this guy, the better men will have already been taken and you will get left with the second round draft picks.
Which is essentially that guy you have now.
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Q: Can I make my boyfriend more caring?
A: No.
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If people were mouldable like that we might as well all get plastic dummies. He’s just not that invested in you. If you want a long term relationship with someone who will be a best friend do yourselves both a favour and cut this guy loose.3
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^ This.Motorsheen wrote: »Q: Can I make my boyfriend more caring?
A: No.
You can't make a guy anything but a sandwich. And you're not going to be able to change him until he's old enough to need diapers.
If what you want is something not super serious, with someone whose definition of loving you includes needing to be told when to care about something important to you, you're set. If not, you're not going to get what you do want from this guy.4 -
An old boyfriend of mine would ask the same about me why I don’t ask him about certain things, frankly it’s because I really didn’t care much about what he did...
So my answer would be just ask him why he isn’t concerned about things happening in your life
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fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »I’ve been dating a guy on and off for a few years. It’s not super serious but we love each other. We do not live together. A close family member was dying from brain cancer last year and he never once asked how she was doing. My Mom was recently in the hospital and isn’t doing well and he asked about her when it first happened but not since.
When I asked him why he doesn’t show concern his response was that if something important happened I would tell him so he doesn’t need to ask. A few of my girlfriends have said this is grounds for dumping him but a few others said that’s just how guys are.
Thoughts?
To have even broached this subject - you already know, as Motorsheen has punctuated for you, for added clarity. Inasmuch as you need more than you're getting from him, respect yourself enough and decide - break contract or stay, since he has never once misled you of "this maintenance" seasonal long-term indulgence.1 -
Quite frankly he sounds like he doesn’t love you, And you are too scared to see it. Decide what you want, and believe you are worth it. Until then no one else will either.4
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Why are you using his reactive responses to regrettable grim news about your family as litmus for your relationship? Transferring your pre-programmed responses to him, via expectation WILL NOT alter his REAL feelings for you. He obviously doesn't love or care for you as much as you do him. Address your meetings as what it is, "passing the time" or "a sporadic annual, bi-annual, quarterly booty call." He audits your kitty when it suits him, no? And you believe a me,me, I man will start to care about your family, when he clearly doesn't give a toss about you, but for your gifting of your nether parts?
Girl!! He doesn't have your hoohah on a pedestal, so take his appendage off your seat of elevation.5 -
This is not a guy thing to not ask how people are doing. It is how he is though and probably won't change especially for a casual sometimes relationship.
If you want someone more engaged and caring in that way in your life then this is not the person for you.1 -
You can't change people. If you want someone to be a certain way, go out and find a person who is already like that. Don't waste your time settling for a sub-standard mate and hoping they will become something they aren't. When I found my husband, he came pre-loaded with all the features I was looking for in a spouse. I didn't mold him into the perfect guy (not perfect human, just perfect for me). He came that way.
When you're with the right person, you both know it and you both show it. Your guy is probably just biding his time, waiting to see if a better girl comes along. Nobody likes to be alone, so he's probably just passing the time with you. It's convenient for him. I could be totally wrong, but that's my opinion. I mean, he could really love you but just be that kind of person. But are you actually satisfied with this on and off, unsupportive kind of relationship? Sounds miserable to me. You deserve better. You know you do.
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fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »that’s just how guys are.
NO! This is absolutely not true! Men are not a different species, they are just like women in this regard. Some are kind and some are jerks. I'm sorry to confirm your fears, because I know how much you want to hear otherwise, but he's not asking because he just doesn't care. Even if he doesn't care about the people to whom these things are happening, he should care enough about YOU to ask.
If a man makes you feel crummy, and you tell him, and he does nothing to change that behaviour... well, he's really not good enough for you.
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You say you're not super serious... that's why he doesn't show much interest... You can't have it both ways!5
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Not serious but you love each other? Is that possible?
Sounds like there's no interest on his part.5 -
fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »I’ve been dating a guy on and off for a few years. It’s not super serious but we love each other.
Thoughts?
Yes, a few. Love is not on and off, and it's pretty dead serious. I have trouble understanding how the bolded statements go together.
I'm not here to tell you what you should do, and I can't put myself in your position because on and off never cut for me. But.. You might want to re-evaluate the whole situation and think a bit more towards the longer term. Is this really sustainable?2 -
Ding ding we have a winner.Motorsheen wrote: »Q: Can I make my boyfriend more caring?
A: No.5 -
I was thinking exactly the same thing SabSabAteNine wrote: »fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »I’ve been dating a guy on and off for a few years. It’s not super serious but we love each other.
Thoughts?
Yes, a few. Love is not on and off, and it's pretty dead serious. I have trouble understanding how the bolded statements go together.
I'm not here to tell you what you should do, and I can't put myself in your position because on and off never cut for me. But.. You might want to re-evaluate the whole situation and think a bit more towards the longer term. Is this really sustainable?0 -
No. You can’t make him care more.
Also sounds like he could not care less. But that wasn’t part of the question.2 -
Motorsheen wrote: »Q: Can I make my boyfriend more caring?
A: No.
^^this^^2 -
Some people (not just guys) are "just this way." Some are a little caring. Some care a lot. Typically, unless they have a major paradigm shift in their own personal life, they will not change. The question becomes, do you want to be with someone who doesn't care, or do you want (and deserve) to be with someone who cares about you and your family and friends? You can't change others to fit your needs. Don't settle for less.0
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competeagain wrote: »No. You can’t make him care more.
Also sounds like he could not care less. But that wasn’t part of the question.
100% this..... if I was you I would move on now and stop wasting my precious time. There are too many men out there, why waste your attention on one who can’t be bothered to ask you a question. And as Will_workout_for_food said, it’s not even just a question that should be reserved for those you love. I would ask my worst enemy how their mother was doing in the hospital.... so you are not asking much of him at all. I’d say ✌🏻3 -
Some people aren't as sympathetic or empathetic as others. Talk to him about how it bothers you and see if he is even aware of it. Or if he has a problem with it.4
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IMO, habits an be formed/changed if he wants them to. Attitudes can't.0
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Have you made him a shammich yet? If that does not work, time to invest your emotions to something else.
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This sounds pretty severe, and his answer to you also sounds pretty cold. If you are showing signs of distress, I would think he would pick up on that and want to comfort you.
In my case, I could probably be accused of this. . I would argue that I'm neither uncaring nor unempathetic, but I can be a bit scatterbrained and sometimes I lose sight of things that others are going through. I think men (or maybe it's just me) are less adept at keeping up with everything. . I, for one, tend to get tunnel vision and focus on the problems at hand, especially if there's a lot going on. I have to occasionally stop myself and look around and remember the wider context of my life and those around me. The result is that if she's not bringing it up, or showing signs that she's upset or distraught, I may neglect to ask about things that I should be asking about.
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I've had excellent results using a combination of electro-convulsive therapy, a regimen of pharmacological treats and intensive behavioral conditioning.3
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If you feel like you need to change the person you are with then you are not with the right person.7
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leut_underpants wrote: »4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »If you feel like you need to change the person you are with then you are not with the right person.
Sage advice from a horse
Horses know much more than we tend to give them credit for. They are very sensitive animals.1 -
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FeelinFooFoo wrote: »Tell him no sex until he starts being more caring.
That'll work...0
This discussion has been closed.
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