No more excuses

Hello everyone! My name is Bernice and I have been on the heavier side of the scale for as long as I can remember. I started gaining weight when I was in 3rd grade and now that I am 34 years old, my weight has reached 288 pounds. I have always been aware of my weight. In the early years of my life, gradeschool to highschool, I didn’t really think about doing anything about dieting or exercising to lose weight really. Although, it also didnt feel good to hear people comment about how chubby I was and when people would comment about how “my mom had probably left me unattended in the kitchen again”. I was a happy kid, with the occasional slight embarassment when someone would comment on how fat or “extra healthy” i looked, whatever that means. It was during my college years when I really began thinking about dieting and somewhat exercising. I would always go on these phases where I would be so pumped up about doing something about my weight “this time” and would lose 20 lbs then would eventually fall off the wagon. During this stage, motivation was mainly for wanting to look different, fit in better looking clothes, and I guess, deep inside, I thought that I will never meet someone that would be attracted to me as heavy as I was already then. So there I was, getting on and off the dieting/ exercising to lose weight wagon. Oh and to make life a bit more complicated, I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 18, and it is only now that I am starting to really realize the effects of it. I am now happily married for 7 years. We have been trying to have a baby for a good 5 years, but it has been a struggle and disappointment for me. My PCOS and weight have been what’s affecting our ability to conceive. I can say that I am a lot more confident in my own skin now and don’t really mind the way I look, but what my concern now is the health changes that I am starting to feel. I feel tired and sluggish all the time and my knees are starting to ache. I feel discomfort in my chest and neck area, which definitely throws me into panic because I always think that this time it is going to be a heart attack. I do feel that with my weight is definitely wreaking havoc in my body and that one day, I might succumb to a heart attack.
I know it is only myself alone that can help me stick to my goals. I get so excited one second about making changes, then think, eh, life is short and might as well enjoy myself and eat this whole bar of chocolate. I do so well during the day of staying on track with eating healthy, but it is when i get home that I seem to throw everything out the window and I snack a lot at night. I want to really change. I wabt to follow through and not make any more excuses for myself, or think that I deserve another whole bar of chocolate. I deserve to be genuinely healthy and happy. I want to have kids and I want to be able to fit in that Hogwarts ride at Universal Studios. I want to feel that I did something for myself and be proud of what I can accomplish. I want to do it all. No more excuses for me.