Unsupportive family
jryepin93
Posts: 73 Member
Right now I'm in grad school and I'm currently living at home while working part-time as a substitute teacher. My family is extremely unsupportive of me losing weight and constantly criticize everything I do, especially my food choices. I think my mom has her own issues with her weight (she isn't overweight at all though) which she projects on me. For example two days ago she said my stomach was looking very flat and then today she says that now it looks a lot chubbier than two days ago and she told me that I must've eaten a lot more (I didn't) and gained weight (uh..no). When I got upset, she tried to laugh it off but then made a comment that my face looked rounder too. I've been working really hard and comments like this just crush me. I try not to get upset and defensive because I think it's only adding fire to the fuel, but it's really difficult. Does anyone else deal with an unsupportive family? How do you deal with it?
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Replies
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Check out this thread:
https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10684390/the-weight-loss-translator#latest3 -
It resolves when you move out on your own.
When your mom goes off on one of her snipes look off in to the distance and build your fantasy independent life. Furnish your fantasy home. Pick out the posh nursing home you will install your mom in.
Does your mom have a degree?13 -
My dad did the same thing when I lived at home in between undergrad and grad school. I was working full-time, studying for the GRE, putting together applications for PhD programs, etc. A very stressful time. I told him my body/weight was not open for discussion. I suggested we talk about other things: news, books, music, gardening, family, or anything else. When he slipped and said something, i ignored him. It worked most of the time. I hope this helps. Hang in there. You will be finished with grad school and moving out before you know it!6
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@jgnatca she would kill me if I ever put her in a nursing home lmao! and yes she has a masters degree in physics and chemistry which sucks even more cause she was very thin when she was in grad school.
@linda2017th thank you for the suggestion!1 -
You might have to take the time out to have a conversation with her. "Mom, I've started on a change in lifestyle to help me feel healthier, and I'm putting a lot of work into it. When you make comments about my body (positive or negative), it makes me feel discouraged about my progress and second-guess the good work I've put into it. When we're talking together, I'd like you to refrain from commenting about my body."
Then if she tries to comment again, ignore and/or walk away. Or say "I already asked you not to comment on my body; if you can't stop yourself, I am going to be having fewer conversations with you."6 -
I’m sorry your family is so unsupportive, that’s really hard. Just remember that her comments are so much more about any issues she has than anything else.
I don’t know what your relationship with your mom is like but is there any chance that having a discussion with her about how her comments (not a specific comment but just in general the things she say) effect you would do any good?0 -
I've told her multiple times to stop, but she hasn't which is frustrating. My weight loss seems almost like a joke to her
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I don't have the greatest support at home either. I'm married and my husband and I have a 5 1/2 year old daughter AND we live with his mom. She is not into diets or trying to eat healthy by any means. My daughter loves her pasta and sweets. And my husband works out on the elliptical almost every day. His answer to me is, get on the machine. I work more days than he does and I'm gone a lot longer than he is and I do most of the housework, shopping and cleaning.
I have started a health program through my OB office. It's a wellness program for women needing to loose weight. I have also joined up with two female friends for support.
God Bless you, and pray for wisdom.4 -
I wonder if maybe your mom could have some sort of ED? She was very skinny in grad school and isn't overweight at all now, this despite being somewhat older than you are and having had at least one child. IMHE, many skinny people, especially women, are skinny because they work hard at being skinny, not always in healthy ways.I think my mom has her own issues with her weight (she isn't overweight at all though) which she projects on me.
ED or not, it sounds like there is something going on with your mom and your weight that is all about her, and has very little to do with you. (Yikes, sorry - when I put it that way, it sounds almost worse than your mom just randomly insulting you for no good reason.)IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »
Proposed Weight Loss Translation: "Your stomach looks flatter, and it is threatening my moral superiority as the skinny one in this relationship."two days ago she said my stomach was looking very flat
Proposed Weight Loss Translation: "Your stomach still looks flatter. Please remedy this situation at once. Here, have a deep-fried pizza brownie."today she says that now it looks a lot chubbier than two days ago and she told me that I must've eaten a lot more (I didn't) and gained weight (uh..no).
Proposed Weight Loss Translation: "My feelings are what we're talking about right now, and you have yet to accommodate them. Here, have some bacon cheesecake a la mode."When I got upset, she tried to laugh it off but then made a comment that my face looked rounder too.
Another thing that may be useful is just counting your mother's remarks - mentally keeping score, as it were. One tally for positive remarks, and one for negative. Adding them up will help distract you from the emotional impact of what she's saying ("Does that make it seven for this week? ...Oh, no - this is eight.") in the moment, and it may help reassure that you're not imagining things, there really is something going on with her about your weight.
And, last but not at least, hugs: {{{ @jryepin93 }}}11 -
Sometimes mothers and daughters can get a competitive dynamic going, especially when weight is involved. I'm not saying your intentions are to compete with her, maybe she feels threatened by your prospective weight loss. If education is the equalizer here, maybe being smaller than you is the one up she has on you.
I say this from experience. My mother has been having great difficulty keeping her weight under control. Now either I'm too thin and need to stop losing (always happens when someone tells my Mom I look better now), or she intentionally buys me clothes in a size or two larger "just in case".
Don't let this ruin your hard work, this is for you. Keep your head up. ((Hugs))6 -
That sounds really difficult and I feel for you. Family dynamics can be tricky things, and just because someone is slim, doesn’t mean they don’t have their own weight or food hang ups. Sounds like your mother may have some, and is threatened by your efforts in some way. Perhaps her own self- esteem is a little too wrapped up in the fact that she is ‘the slim one’?
Whatever her reasons, it seems that talking to her about it hasn’t really helped so I would say it’s time to accept that the issue is hers, and try and detach emotionally from it as much as possible to protect yourself.
We can’t control the actions of others, but we can control our own responses to them.
Keep up the good work, try and ignore the comments, and when they come, just remind yourself that they are about her issues, not really about you at all.
Good luck x2 -
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like your mom is feeling threatened by your potential and success. Since she continues to poke at you (despite your requests and obvious distress) your best option is probably to ignore her. In psychology there’s a term called Gray Rock. In other words, be as boring as a rock! It essentially means that you do not respond with any emotion when someone is trying to provoke you. Change the topic, discuss the weather or basically talk about anything that does not stir up emotional feelings in you or possible jealousy on her part. It’s hard to do but it’s a survival tactic to protect your hard work and dedication to your goals. Best of luck! If you want any extra support on your journey feel free to friend request me!6
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Stop talking about your weight loss, if your mum brings it up just say you aren't losing weight or change the subject.2
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It’s hard when our families are not supportive. It helps to surround yourself by others that are supportive of your journey. Our bodies are always changing and may look different day to day for whatever reason. Moms tend to notice and the feedback may not always be welcomed. I read our body image is formed by our mothers at an early age, which can make it tough when they are critical although they tend to have good intentions.1
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I'm in almost the same boat. Work full time, grad school part time, and I live with my mom to cut down on living expenses while I pay off my BS degree loans. My mom most definitely has her own issues with food, which contributed to my own messed up relationship with nutrition, and to say this is an awkward arrangement for me now would be putting it VERY mildly.
- I agree with the poster above that said when these "conversations" start to just imagine the home and life you'll have when you graduate and move out. I've got quite the castle built up by now.
- I've also taken to taking long walks after dinner- which helps me get away from the computer for a little while, and gets me out of the house for a little to calm down and refocus.
Both of those techniques let me hold civil conversations, and I can politely shut down any topics related to my diet/lifestyle changes. Hold onto the reality that sometime in the next year or three you will be walking across a stage and adding those letters behind your name. Won't that feel fantastic!
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Well, if she cares about you but is simply misguided, one or two reminders that her approach isn’t helpful should fix the issue.
Have you considered the possibility that your mother just isn’t a very nice person? Because, frankly, that’s what you’re describing. You describe a situation in which you have little control. It’s her house and she gets to make the rules. So, you’ve got a couple of choices, assuming you can’t fix her:
1. Move out. You can too afford it. You may have to put grad school on hold (or make it part-time) to work full time to do this but you will be free of her.
2. Try to point out to her how her comments are counterproductive.
3. Shut up, buy a calendar and mark off each day between now and when you can move out.
Whatever you do, don’t threaten #1 unless you plan to follow through. Empty threatens only embolden bullies and idiots.3 -
Sorry to say, It’s hard but family sometimes can be pain the b***
Not that they mean anything but it’s just that they think it’s their right to say something regardless of whether you want to hear it or not. In the process they sometimes say things according to their experience which really doesn’t help rather annoy or sounds negative.
I had my share with a close family member who kept arguing why my way of exercising along with the diet I follow wouldn’t work & hers would. Her explanation made sense but my dedication & confidence took over. Sadly hers never did and I lost about 23lbs at the same time though I wanted her to lose weight as much as mine. Bottom line - never give up no matter if you think it would work. People will calm down once they start seeing the difference & it will take time. But well before that you can and feel the difference for sure. All the best
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Thank you, everyone, for your kind and supportive comments! I think the best thing for now is to just avoid the topic of weight loss with my mom indefinitely. Also thank you @Evelyn_Gorfram for the chuckle! I love those translations lol @CCgal2018 I really like the idea of the gray rock! I'll probably try this too.4
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Right now I'm in grad school and I'm currently living at home while working part-time as a substitute teacher. My family is extremely unsupportive of me losing weight and constantly criticize everything I do, especially my food choices. I think my mom has her own issues with her weight (she isn't overweight at all though) which she projects on me. For example two days ago she said my stomach was looking very flat and then today she says that now it looks a lot chubbier than two days ago and she told me that I must've eaten a lot more (I didn't) and gained weight (uh..no). When I got upset, she tried to laugh it off but then made a comment that my face looked rounder too. I've been working really hard and comments like this just crush me. I try not to get upset and defensive because I think it's only adding fire to the fuel, but it's really difficult. Does anyone else deal with an unsupportive family? How do you deal with it?
Always easier said than done, but you can’t control your family, only how you react/respond. You’re right. It’s her issue—when she tries to get on you, tell yourself “it’s not me, it’s her. And I will not make her issue my problem. I know what I’m doing.”
Sometimes the people who are supposed to live is the most end up being the most hurtful. Sometimes I think it’s because they feel the love/relationship will earn them forgiveness.
Whatever the reason she’s doing this, find your way to smile and nod through the bull *kitten* and keep your mantra going in your head.
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My sister's birthday was this past weekend. I got a second bowl of nachos (for my husband, not even myself) and my step dad asked me "Where do you plan on wearing those?"
I told him to mind his own business and it's not funny. Of course he said "It's funny to me" so I said "Good for you" and walked away. He's always been like that and it sure doesn't help my recovered ED. I know being snarky to someone isn't the right answer, but honestly it helps.3 -
Her actions are not a reflection on you or your work or your journey. Just one of life’s little tests.
One day you’ll look back and laugh at how anyone could have been so clueless and such an embarrassment to herself.2 -
It sounds like your family is projecting their insecurities on you. It has nothing to do with you. They feel threatened that you are bettering yourself and it makes them feel bad about themselves. Sometimes people hurt others intentionally or unintentionally to feel good about themselves. Please do not take their comments seriously. See it for what it is. Your size should not be an issue to them unless you are so overweight it is affecting your health or so underweight it is affecting your health and they should be supporting you if so.
If your mother gained weight, would you talk to her the way she talks to you (calling her “chubby” and “round”)? Probably not. Therefore you can see that she is just projecting her own insecurities on you. Is moving out on your own an option? Surround yourself with those who support you... even if it is on this site. My family and some friends had never supported me and their comments about me led me into an eating disorder and anorexia the first time I lost weight. The fat jokes thrown at me made me feel I needed to keep losing until I was underweight and all I saw was a “fat” person in the mirror despite being malnourished.
The point I am making is that these comments have everything to do with them and not you. Please don’t let it affect you. It hurts because we feel family should support us and want the best for us, but it is not always the case. Know you are doing well and amazing things to take control of your health ❤️1 -
I'm going to step up in defense of snarky remarks. Not just because of my earlier postDaisyHamilton wrote: »My sister's birthday was this past weekend. I got a second bowl of nachos (for my husband, not even myself) and my step dad asked me "Where do you plan on wearing those?"
I told him to mind his own business and it's not funny. Of course he said "It's funny to me" so I said "Good for you" and walked away. He's always been like that and it sure doesn't help my recovered ED. I know being snarky to someone isn't the right answer, but honestly it helps.
, but because I have found that they sometimes work for me.
I was brought up to be nice and to not go around insulting people - or at least my mother tried her best.* But I've sometimes found that the thing I'm struggling so hard not to say is the thing that will shut a prickly situation down if I go ahead and say it. In a situation, like the one you had with your stepdad, where someone is trying to make a joke at my expense; turning it around, like you did, and making a joke at that person's expense is one way of standing up for yourself.
One problem with being snarky is thinking up an appropriate snark quickly enough. It's all very well for me to say that "On your head, if you don't shut up," would have been a great response to "Where are you planning on wearing that?," but I would need a time machine and an airplane ticket to be able to deliver it properly.
The bigger difficulty is figuring out - again, in the moment - whether the remark you've just heard was truly meant unkindly. I've been in more than one exchange that went like -
Other Person: "You know there's gluten in that nacho sauce."
Me: "You know there's impoliteness in the air."
Other Person: "Uh, hey look, Elizabeth, I wouldn't have said anything, but your mom did tell me that you're allergic to gluten."
Me: "Oh. -- I'm Evelyn. Elizabeth's my sister, and she is allergic to gluten; and I need to apologize to you for being so rude just now."
(*My mom - and I - are still working on it.)0 -
You're in Grad school and obviously very intelligent and you have a bright future. Sometimes family and parents can be subconsciously insecure about your achievements. They feel left behind.. and they do unfeeling things to try and maintain some kind of superiority over you.
I don't mean to analyze your mom.. but I bet she's a bit jealous of her beautiful daughter and the bright future she has. Mom tries to bring you down by pushing a few buttons she knows she still can. For now.
I agree that when you move out you'll get the space you need to define new boundaries and redefine the dynamic with your mom.
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@elisa123gal thank you for your kind comments! I do think that she is trying to bring me down, intentionally or not.1
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As some people here have mentioned, often behind unsupportive comments there are people struggling themselves with a weight-related issue, whether it's visible or not. Probably your new behaviour secretly trigged some uncomfortable thoughts and fears in her.
I have a loving and caring 65 years old mother who has spent her entire life eating as little as possible, enjoying her skinny look, fat-shaming everyone and commenting on my fluctuating body weight. I still believe that someone in my situation would have developed a serious eating disorder, and I am glad I've been strong enough to not let her own problems affect me too much.
Whenever she comments on my weight I remind her politely that she eats like a toddler and looks worryingly skinny and so she's not in the position to comment on an adult woman's eating habits with an average weight. I don't mean this in a bad way but it's a good way to remind anyone, regardless of your close relationship to them, that they don't have the right to be nasty to you, and that they should probably think of their own ongoing issues.
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Me, I would start picking at her weak spot like she does with your weight/body. When she snipes about your weight or food choices, throw in her face about her hair or clothes or make-up. I've generally found the people who like to pushes other's buttons don't like it when their buttons get pushed. I am a b*tch though.2
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I am so sorry to hear that your family is so unsupportive of your weight loss goals. I know how hurtful words can be, especially from family members. Mine have always wanted me to lose weight, but the way they went about it (criticizing and making fun of me) was mean and hurtful. I'll never forget one time I was driving in the car with my aunt and she asked me why I was wearing jeans in the middle of summer. I just feel more comfortable in jeans. She says: "is it because your legs are too white or you're too fat for shorts?!" And then she laughed. That was only one of a series of hurtful comments she's made to me throughout the years. The irony of the situation: I've lost 125 pounds and she's my old weight! Karma is a beeyotch!2
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DaisyHamilton wrote: »My sister's birthday was this past weekend. I got a second bowl of nachos (for my husband, not even myself) and my step dad asked me "Where do you plan on wearing those?"
I told him to mind his own business and it's not funny. Of course he said "It's funny to me" so I said "Good for you" and walked away. He's always been like that and it sure doesn't help my recovered ED. I know being snarky to someone isn't the right answer, but honestly it helps.
You were nicer than I would have been telling him to mind his own business! I don't understand how people can be that cruel to another human let alone a family member.1
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