127 lbs lost, yet still a failure
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I even have a savings account that is designated as an "engagement ring account" for when the day came that I would propose to someone. That account has grown and grown and is much more than needed, but I never thought it would stay invested and never get used. I feel like cashing it in and just giving it all to a children's hospital or something. I will never get to use it for what it was planned. I am just so in disbelief that after nearly ten years of working so hard that I am still alone. I cannot believe it. I don't know what else to do.
Actually, I think you should do something with the money. A children's hospital is as good a place as any to repurpose the money, though there are many other good options. That you have been able to make a huge difference in the lives of others may give you a tremendous sense of accomplishment. And, frankly, if you do meet Ms. Right, you can always tell her what you did with your engagement ring fund. Makes for a great story.
While you're at it, you may wish to ask if there are volunteer opportunities. Telling the development staffer who takes your check that you'd love to be on the committee for some fundraiser will get you in front of many other adults. Some may be single; most will know single people. Even if you don't meet a life partner, you'll get lots of opportunities to socialize and meet similarly minded people.
The point here is that there are multiple opportunities to not be lonely. And to feel positive about yourself and your life. Whether that's volunteering, a faith-based group (note: this only helps if faith based groups fit with your belief system), going to group exercise classes, joining a club (I once joined a sailing club and had quite a bit of fun on those outings), etc., learning a new hobby or skill or whatever. There is a group, club or class for just about any interests; once you find them you need just interact. You do have a story to tell; you can find an audience.
I am a real fan of message boards like this one. But at the end of the day, you can't have a relationship with your computer or phone.
One last thing...it's only been 24 hours, but you have not, as yet, given indication you've returned to see the feedback to your post. If you have, indeed, returned, you may wish to acknowledge the effort others have put into your concerns. I (we) don't need the validation but considerate feedback and interest in what others have to say is a cornerstone of successful social interaction.9 -
So, one problem is that a wife is not a possession that you acquire, and it kind of sounds like you don't get that. If a guy I was dating told me he'd had an engagement ring account for years I would run like the wind and not look back, especially if I knew he'd never had a girlfriend. That would tell me right there that he had no interest in me personally, he just wanted A Wife and literally any woman would do as long as she had one finger left to stick that ring on.
Will any woman do? Because if you're on a date with a woman as a first-round audition for the role of A Wife, I promise you she can smell that from a mile away.
What happens if you find a great woman and she doesn't want you to be "the provider"? Would it be a deal-breaker for you not to be the one with all the economic power in the relationship? Not many women like the smell of that cologne anymore either.
Are you resentful because you were "supposed to be" married by now and the universe is cheating you out of something you were promised, and your life would be completely different if women would just help you out a little? Because, my dude, that kind of entitlement can be smelled by women in neighboring cities and it smells like a tire fire at the dump.
I can't tell you why you're not getting dates. All of this might be entirely off-base. But reading your post, I'm going to suggest at least considering the idea that you might not be getting second dates because you're creeping women out.
Again: you might be a perfectly good guy. But you sound angry, and you sound resentful, and you sound like you feel entitled to female companionship. At 325 pounds, you are large and physically intimidating. Getting a woman to agree to a second date under those conditions is going to be pretty difficult. Maybe seeing a therapist for a while would help, or getting a female friend to give you some honest advice.28 -
your post comes across as needy. you have accomplished great things. none of this entitles you into a girlfriend or wife.
neediness is a very good way to scare off of woman.
a woman will not complete your life
try meetups, try dance classes, try group runs
i know someone who travels with a singles group6 -
I want to thank everyone for any nice things they had to say to me here and for advice that was given. I have tried many of the things suggested like joining groups and trying out different things that make it easier to meet people. I have done a lot of things like taking cooking classes, book clubs, volunteer, etc. One of my passions is music and I go to concerts and fests all the time. I even have gone to fests in Canada, Europe, and all over the US. I make it a point to try and interact with people and talk with people around me. I really do put a lot of effort into it. I appreciate the additional suggestions. I really do.
To answer some questions... I am not just pursuing the supermodels or 9's and 10's. Physical attraction is important, but I focus on things in common. I love when a girl reads a lot or has interesting and unique hobbies and of course is into some things that I like too like music. My only true deal breakers are I want someone without kids and has never been married before. I have reached out to so many girls. It just really must be me. I have to be the issue. And I don't know why.
A few of you mentioned the money thing and the engagement ring account. I am so confused by the negative reaction to that because I thought you were supposed to "fake it until you make it" and use the Law of Attraction and positive thinking to get to where you want to be. That's what I was doing by that. I wanted a family and to be married, so I built a home and adhered to responsibilities as if I was going to be a husband and father. Why does that make me creepy? I feel like I am told one thing and then when I do that I am told I am wrong and a creep for it. It doesn't make sense to me.
And it hurts to hear some people say that I am entitled or think of a woman as a possession or a prize. I don't think that at all. I want love. I want what I witnessed my grandparents had. I want to grow old with someone special and create all kinds of memories and share experiences. My whole life I have faced rejection. I never went to a school dance or prom because any girl I asked said no. I never had a date in college because any girl I tried to get to know and ask out said no. I was told by so many people, friends and family, that I needed to lose weight before I would hear a yes. My frustration is that I have lost a lot of weight but I still get rejected constantly. I don't believe that I am entitled to a girlfriend because I lost weight. I don't know why you think that of me.
As for friends... I have a lot of friends and people I know. All of them are married and have families now. They never thought of me back then when they were helping each other out i finding dates. I asked a few friends and they got upset at me. The rest just tell me the same generic thing I think so that I will drop it. They say it will work out eventually or I need to keep working on myself. I just ask when am I good enough? They all found someone. They aren't perfect. Why must I be perfect in order to experience it too?
Just seems like I am never going to be good enough. I think my weight was brought up here too. I am "still" 325 lbs so I am not yet good enough. After all the hard work I have put in, it hurts to hear that. It hurts to hear that people think I am a creep. Or that I am needy. I just wanted a family of my own. Why does that make me a creep? Yes I am lonely. So why is it so bad that I feel disappointed and defeated at still being single at 38? I don't think people who are judging me negatively know what it is like to not be wanted. To be a virgin at 38. To feel desperation of a lifetime alone ahead of them. That's what I feel. And it sucks.17 -
You seem like a kind, thoughtful and genuine guy. Hang in there. The right girl is worth the wait.
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Maybe invest some of your engagement ring fund in hiring a matchmaker (someone reputable not looking to rip you off). He or she might be able to help you identify and improve areas that might be the key to finding the right girl for you. You’ve listed a lot of great accomplishments and qualities and you should feel proud of that. Also, if I’d known a guy I was dating had been saving for an engagement ring for years and waiting for someone special I’d think it was sweet and also practical. I don’t really understand what would be creepy about that.5
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Have you considered a life coach? For somebody to be as unlovable as you describe yourself there must be something seriously wrong that you're not seeing. A life coach should be able to help you figure this out and figure out a way to remedy the situation.4
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I want to thank everyone for any nice things they had to say to me here and for advice that was given. I have tried many of the things suggested like joining groups and trying out different things that make it easier to meet people. I have done a lot of things like taking cooking classes, book clubs, volunteer, etc. One of my passions is music and I go to concerts and fests all the time. I even have gone to fests in Canada, Europe, and all over the US. I make it a point to try and interact with people and talk with people around me. I really do put a lot of effort into it. I appreciate the additional suggestions. I really do.
To answer some questions... I am not just pursuing the supermodels or 9's and 10's. Physical attraction is important, but I focus on things in common. I love when a girl reads a lot or has interesting and unique hobbies and of course is into some things that I like too like music. My only true deal breakers are I want someone without kids and has never been married before. I have reached out to so many girls. It just really must be me. I have to be the issue. And I don't know why.
A few of you mentioned the money thing and the engagement ring account. I am so confused by the negative reaction to that because I thought you were supposed to "fake it until you make it" and use the Law of Attraction and positive thinking to get to where you want to be. That's what I was doing by that. I wanted a family and to be married, so I built a home and adhered to responsibilities as if I was going to be a husband and father. Why does that make me creepy? I feel like I am told one thing and then when I do that I am told I am wrong and a creep for it. It doesn't make sense to me.
And it hurts to hear some people say that I am entitled or think of a woman as a possession or a prize. I don't think that at all. I want love. I want what I witnessed my grandparents had. I want to grow old with someone special and create all kinds of memories and share experiences. My whole life I have faced rejection. I never went to a school dance or prom because any girl I asked said no. I never had a date in college because any girl I tried to get to know and ask out said no. I was told by so many people, friends and family, that I needed to lose weight before I would hear a yes. My frustration is that I have lost a lot of weight but I still get rejected constantly. I don't believe that I am entitled to a girlfriend because I lost weight. I don't know why you think that of me.
As for friends... I have a lot of friends and people I know. All of them are married and have families now. They never thought of me back then when they were helping each other out i finding dates. I asked a few friends and they got upset at me. The rest just tell me the same generic thing I think so that I will drop it. They say it will work out eventually or I need to keep working on myself. I just ask when am I good enough? They all found someone. They aren't perfect. Why must I be perfect in order to experience it too?
Just seems like I am never going to be good enough. I think my weight was brought up here too. I am "still" 325 lbs so I am not yet good enough. After all the hard work I have put in, it hurts to hear that. It hurts to hear that people think I am a creep. Or that I am needy. I just wanted a family of my own. Why does that make me a creep? Yes I am lonely. So why is it so bad that I feel disappointed and defeated at still being single at 38? I don't think people who are judging me negatively know what it is like to not be wanted. To be a virgin at 38. To feel desperation of a lifetime alone ahead of them. That's what I feel. And it sucks.
So, OK. I'm a single woman but my biological clock was, I believe, defective straight from the manufacturer so I can't really get the needing to have kids part and I'm also pretty content being single and am likely to remain so. Take my comments for what they're worth (which might be nothing to you, but hey, it's a perspective).
Regarding the engagement ring account. You're obviously good at financial planning, which is a great trait to have, but sometimes our good traits can, without realizing it, spill over onto the "obsessive" side of the spectrum. Any woman that would require (or, I might venture, accept...though yes, I understand that is not universal...but it is likely) a huge engagement ring as a condition for marriage is going to be very high maintenance, and no amount of financial planning can prepare you for that. And yes, revealing one day to an intended bride that you've had an engagement ring fund for over a decade could easily be considered creepy. I would definitely find that creepy. Unless your name is Michael Scott, you don't need to spend three years' salary on a single piece of jewelry.
Donating that money is a noble idea. But what the hey, rename it your "Adventure Fund" and go a little nuts. Use some or all of it on a blow out adventure, explore this great world and live some fantastic stories you can tell over dinner. Off the top of my head, at least go to Glastonbury if you like music festivals.
Also, the mention of your weight wasn't- at least how I read it- meant to be derogatory. Big guys are just inherently more likely to be seen as intimidating to women. It's not personal, just something we've been ingrained to exert caution around.
I'm sure you've just reached a boiling point for whatever reason and are just venting on here. But there is a definite air of desperation in your posts, and if that is coming across on your online or real-life encounters, that's why you're not getting second dates. "Faking it til you make it" to me means you're playing a role, and not living your own life. *kitten* everyone else and the "normal life" expectations and stop working so hard for this one thing.
You write very well and you seem like a nice guy. I'd have a cup of coffee or dinner with you (and even pay for it myself)... unless you didn't get the Michael Scott reference- then I'm afraid our time together might be a little dull
. Good luck to you, sir. 14 -
I joined this site way back in 2009 when I was 29 and about to turn 30. I was 452 lbs and desperate to make some changes. I had never had a girlfriend and was really motivated to change that. I always wanted to get married and have a family and that wasn't going to happen with my weight. I joined a gym, hired a personal trainer, and logged on this site every single day. There were ups and downs, but it is nearly 10 years later and I have managed to lose keep off 127 lbs. I worked on everything about myself. I worked hard at my career and am now a senior software engineer. My house is well on its way to being paid off. I have saved and saved and have made great progress to my retirement account balances. Over these past 10 years I traveled all over the US and even spent 2 weeks in Europe. I have done all of this alone.
I worked hard at dating too. People always told me that I needed to work on myself and then work on meeting someone and that is what I did. I have tried everything I could think of. I joined pay dating sites as well as the free ones and have gone on many first dates. I always pay and then am told later on that I am not their type. The most recent girl didn't even bother to tell me that though. I showed up at the restaurant for the second date and got stood up. Not a word from her. It ruined my whole weekend. I felt like such a fool. Why does this keep happening? I was patient. It has been nearly 10 years since I started really working on myself and getting to the point I am at. I am so tired of hearing that I need to just be patient or that it will happen. I have been patient. I am 38 now and still have yet to have a girlfriend. I am a 38 year old virgin. I wanted to get married and have a family and that isn't happening. Yeah I did this for myself and my health, but what is the point of being healthy and living a long life when you have to live it alone? I am so unbelievably frustrated. I've done everything I can think of. I have worked very hard and yet somehow I am still the loser failure who comes home to an empty dark house every night and has to eat alone. Or travel alone. Or go to a movie alone. I am so tired of doing everything alone.
What more do I need to do? I feel so defeated as I am quickly approaching 40 now and still don't know what it is like. It isn't as if I am checking in 10 years later and regretting not getting started. I got started and I worked hard. I worked at so many aspects of myself and my life. I just never saw the end goal. I am still incredibly isolated and lonely. This wasn't supposed to be. I am not sure what to do from here and I feel so panicked about it all. I have no plan B for life. I set myself up to be a provider. I even have a savings account that is designated as an "engagement ring account" for when the day came that I would propose to someone. That account has grown and grown and is much more than needed, but I never thought it would stay invested and never get used. I feel like cashing it in and just giving it all to a children's hospital or something. I will never get to use it for what it was planned. I am just so in disbelief that after nearly ten years of working so hard that I am still alone. I cannot believe it. I don't know what else to do.I joined this site way back in 2009 when I was 29 and about to turn 30. I was 452 lbs and desperate to make some changes. I had never had a girlfriend and was really motivated to change that. I always wanted to get married and have a family and that wasn't going to happen with my weight. I joined a gym, hired a personal trainer, and logged on this site every single day. There were ups and downs, but it is nearly 10 years later and I have managed to lose keep off 127 lbs. I worked on everything about myself. I worked hard at my career and am now a senior software engineer. My house is well on its way to being paid off. I have saved and saved and have made great progress to my retirement account balances. Over these past 10 years I traveled all over the US and even spent 2 weeks in Europe. I have done all of this alone.
I worked hard at dating too. People always told me that I needed to work on myself and then work on meeting someone and that is what I did. I have tried everything I could think of. I joined pay dating sites as well as the free ones and have gone on many first dates. I always pay and then am told later on that I am not their type. The most recent girl didn't even bother to tell me that though. I showed up at the restaurant for the second date and got stood up. Not a word from her. It ruined my whole weekend. I felt like such a fool. Why does this keep happening? I was patient. It has been nearly 10 years since I started really working on myself and getting to the point I am at. I am so tired of hearing that I need to just be patient or that it will happen. I have been patient. I am 38 now and still have yet to have a girlfriend. I am a 38 year old virgin. I wanted to get married and have a family and that isn't happening. Yeah I did this for myself and my health, but what is the point of being healthy and living a long life when you have to live it alone? I am so unbelievably frustrated. I've done everything I can think of. I have worked very hard and yet somehow I am still the loser failure who comes home to an empty dark house every night and has to eat alone. Or travel alone. Or go to a movie alone. I am so tired of doing everything alone.
What more do I need to do? I feel so defeated as I am quickly approaching 40 now and still don't know what it is like. It isn't as if I am checking in 10 years later and regretting not getting started. I got started and I worked hard. I worked at so many aspects of myself and my life. I just never saw the end goal. I am still incredibly isolated and lonely. This wasn't supposed to be. I am not sure what to do from here and I feel so panicked about it all. I have no plan B for life. I set myself up to be a provider. I even have a savings account that is designated as an "engagement ring account" for when the day came that I would propose to someone. That account has grown and grown and is much more than needed, but I never thought it would stay invested and never get used. I feel like cashing it in and just giving it all to a children's hospital or something. I will never get to use it for what it was planned. I am just so in disbelief that after nearly ten years of working so hard that I am still alone. I cannot believe it. I don't know what else to do.
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Well, you finally seem to have attracted some snarky responses. Pay them no mind. Everyone sees the world through their own prism.
Donate the ring money to the children’s hospital. It’s poetic.
My reading is @GoodLardy misspoke, but she has the right idea. Limiting yourself to never married no kids, really cuts into the numbers of available women. And this issue gets worse for you the older you get. Ordinarily, demographics favor men as we get older. Your position seems to cancel that out. And you may be cutting yourself off from a large group of women who would highly value the basics of a descent guy with a regular job.
If you are wary of potential baggage, risk adverse is sort of the antimatter of romance.
If you want to keep going on MFP, consider joining our group, Guys On A Diet. Use the search feature to find “GoaD.” We’re generally an older bunch, but not all guys. You may get a more sympathetic hearing there. Although generally our advice is straightforward, not necessarily what everyone is looking for.
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Well, you finally seem to have attracted some snarky responses. Pay them no mind. Everyone sees the world through their own prism.
Donate the ring money to the children’s hospital. It’s poetic.
My reading is @GoodLardy misspoke, but she has the right idea. Limiting yourself to never married no kids, really cuts into the numbers of available women. And this issue gets worse for you the older you get. Ordinarily, demographics favor men as we get older. Your position seems to cancel that out. And you may be cutting yourself off from a large group of women who would highly value the basics of a descent guy with a regular job.
If you are wary of potential baggage, risk adverse is sort of the antimatter of romance.
If you want to keep going on MFP, consider joining our group, Guys On A Diet. Use the search feature to find “GoaD.” We’re generally an older bunch, but not all guys. You may get a more sympathetic hearing there. Although generally our advice is straightforward, not necessarily what everyone is looking for.
I agree that limiting yourself to never married/no kids is draining your pool of potential partners down to basically nothing. I'm 39 and know exactly zero women 30+ who fit that profile offhand.
While I can somewhat get wanting to avoid ex-h drama and taking responsibility for a ready-made family, you need to understand that most people of any age come with baggage (yourself included). Part of the beauty of a successful relationship is waking that road with someone in spite of their flaws.8 -
Well, you finally seem to have attracted some snarky responses. Pay them no mind. Everyone sees the world through their own prism.
Donate the ring money to the children’s hospital. It’s poetic.
My reading is @GoodLardy misspoke, but she has the right idea. Limiting yourself to never married no kids, really cuts into the numbers of available women. And this issue gets worse for you the older you get. Ordinarily, demographics favor men as we get older. Your position seems to cancel that out. And you may be cutting yourself off from a large group of women who would highly value the basics of a descent guy with a regular job.
If you are wary of potential baggage, risk adverse is sort of the antimatter of romance.
If you want to keep going on MFP, consider joining our group, Guys On A Diet. Use the search feature to find “GoaD.” We’re generally an older bunch, but not all guys. You may get a more sympathetic hearing there. Although generally our advice is straightforward, not necessarily what everyone is looking for.
You said what I meant much better than I could. Thank you!2 -
I'm sorry you feel like this.. I can't add anything that hasn't already been said or think of anything you havent already done..
Other than she will enter your life when you least expect it.
Youve been patient this is true, but you are not an old man so there is still time.
I understand your frustration, and feel for you..
Hugs..0 -
Yeah I hear y'a. And weight loss isn't going to lead to finding love, been there, didn't find it :P most activities I do are female focused (which would be great if I were interested in women romantically - but sadly not the case).
My main slightly more mixed activity is running and i've been on the bench for a month and another to go (hopefully I can slowly build up from there).
But you are not a failure. At the end of the day, i think we need to find our own way. Sure lots of people's way is being in a relationship and family and all that jazz but maybe that just isn't in the cards for me. I can't force it. I'm also super awkward socially which doesn't help.
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You sir, are a success - look at what you have achieved! I will give you the same advice I give to my son. Dating sites are a minefield - they may be a good way to meet people of the opposite sex BUT they are limited in helping you meet a soul mate. I tell my son to go out and take up a variety of activities where you can meet friends of both sexes who have similar interests - meeting women as equals with interests in common with yours is, to my mind, a much better option than just looking for nice dates. Even increasing your male friends (son moved to a new area - hence this was also a problem for him) is also a good way to meet interesting women - you know - friends of friends are often useful. Please don't give up - you have improved your healtth and fitness, have got your career sorted (what about friends at work?) - have faith - there will be someone out there for you. Just don't rule them out by being only attracted to particular 'look'. And I agree with above - your biological clock ticks a little slower than us girls - you have time X
ETA - just to add - some girls would love to hook up with someone who plans for the future (my daughter would love to meet one after a series of boys with toys who save nothing!) but maybe not call it an engagement ring fund - after all you may both find a better use for it than a ring
. I blame the media for this emphasiss on engagement rings - most genuine girls would be happy to spend the dosh on something to support both of your futures and wear a sensibly priced ring. X
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Well, you finally seem to have attracted some snarky responses. Pay them no mind. Everyone sees the world through their own prism.
I hope you didn't think my suggestion was snarky. I feel for @BV1980 and I guess I worded my self a bit clumsily. But even with all the barriers, for him to see himself as he describes suggests there is something seriously amiss with his interpersonal interactions. If I were to look at his situation as a business issue I'd conclude one (or more) of the following as to why there had been no sales:
1. There is something wrong with the product.
2. There is something wrong with the packaging
3. There is something wrong with the sales pitch
4. The target audience isn't interested
5. The target audience doesn't understand the product or perceive its value
6. The target audience likes the product but has no resources or need
7. The target audience is too narrow
Life coaches can help figure out which of these is contributing to the brink of [emotional] desolation and create a plan to recalibrate. And, yes, they might recommend the product be sent back to the engineers for further study and redesign (that would be the psychologist).
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@BV1980 -- are you religious at all? Could you be? It sounds like you want a very, very traditional sort of relationship, with your references to being "the provider" and engagement ring accounts and all. If you're looking for someone never married and without children already, I'm also guessing that you'll need to look for someone also very traditional and most likely significantly younger than yourself. A church might be the place to find someone that meets all those criteria.5
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I didn't meet my soulmate until I was 48, and before I met her I was already quite happy in my solitude. The key for me was to understand that I needed to love myself and be my own best friend. You can't just say to the universe "Ok I've done all the work, now give me my reward." It doesn't work that way. Don't worry, be happy...and don't try to force anything. The universe will give you what you need in time, until then enjoy life and try to have a open heart to all you meet. Give love without any expectations and you will be surprised how happy you will become.5
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Here's another thought. If you are going to stick to online dating...have you ever considered being 100% honest in your profile? Basically most of what you told us?
I'm a 38yr old music lover ready for a serious relationship. I've spent the last decade working on myself so that I can be the best possible version of myself. Now I'm ready to share my life with someone else. If I meet "The One", I would love to see marriage and children down the road. Full disclosure, while I've lead an amazing life full of friends and adventures, I've never had a romantic relationship before. I would love to find someone to explore all my "firsts" with and create new experiences together.
Edit - I also wanted to address the creep factor about the engagement ring fund. While you are being very financially responsible (which believe me is a HUGE plus), for some women it comes across as you being so enamored with the idea of marriage and children that any woman would do. It makes one feel dispensable. Most people don't even start thinking about marriage or a family or saving up for a ring until AFTER they meet the person that they just can't live without. It's the woman that drives the desire for marriage, children and and ring and not the other way around. I hope that helps you see a little different perspective.12
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