127 lbs lost, yet still a failure
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Well, you finally seem to have attracted some snarky responses. Pay them no mind. Everyone sees the world through their own prism.
Donate the ring money to the children’s hospital. It’s poetic.
My reading is @GoodLardy misspoke, but she has the right idea. Limiting yourself to never married no kids, really cuts into the numbers of available women. And this issue gets worse for you the older you get. Ordinarily, demographics favor men as we get older. Your position seems to cancel that out. And you may be cutting yourself off from a large group of women who would highly value the basics of a descent guy with a regular job.
If you are wary of potential baggage, risk adverse is sort of the antimatter of romance.
If you want to keep going on MFP, consider joining our group, Guys On A Diet. Use the search feature to find “GoaD.” We’re generally an older bunch, but not all guys. You may get a more sympathetic hearing there. Although generally our advice is straightforward, not necessarily what everyone is looking for.
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Well, you finally seem to have attracted some snarky responses. Pay them no mind. Everyone sees the world through their own prism.
Donate the ring money to the children’s hospital. It’s poetic.
My reading is @GoodLardy misspoke, but she has the right idea. Limiting yourself to never married no kids, really cuts into the numbers of available women. And this issue gets worse for you the older you get. Ordinarily, demographics favor men as we get older. Your position seems to cancel that out. And you may be cutting yourself off from a large group of women who would highly value the basics of a descent guy with a regular job.
If you are wary of potential baggage, risk adverse is sort of the antimatter of romance.
If you want to keep going on MFP, consider joining our group, Guys On A Diet. Use the search feature to find “GoaD.” We’re generally an older bunch, but not all guys. You may get a more sympathetic hearing there. Although generally our advice is straightforward, not necessarily what everyone is looking for.
I agree that limiting yourself to never married/no kids is draining your pool of potential partners down to basically nothing. I'm 39 and know exactly zero women 30+ who fit that profile offhand.
While I can somewhat get wanting to avoid ex-h drama and taking responsibility for a ready-made family, you need to understand that most people of any age come with baggage (yourself included). Part of the beauty of a successful relationship is waking that road with someone in spite of their flaws.8 -
Well, you finally seem to have attracted some snarky responses. Pay them no mind. Everyone sees the world through their own prism.
Donate the ring money to the children’s hospital. It’s poetic.
My reading is @GoodLardy misspoke, but she has the right idea. Limiting yourself to never married no kids, really cuts into the numbers of available women. And this issue gets worse for you the older you get. Ordinarily, demographics favor men as we get older. Your position seems to cancel that out. And you may be cutting yourself off from a large group of women who would highly value the basics of a descent guy with a regular job.
If you are wary of potential baggage, risk adverse is sort of the antimatter of romance.
If you want to keep going on MFP, consider joining our group, Guys On A Diet. Use the search feature to find “GoaD.” We’re generally an older bunch, but not all guys. You may get a more sympathetic hearing there. Although generally our advice is straightforward, not necessarily what everyone is looking for.
You said what I meant much better than I could. Thank you!2 -
I'm sorry you feel like this.. I can't add anything that hasn't already been said or think of anything you havent already done..
Other than she will enter your life when you least expect it.
Youve been patient this is true, but you are not an old man so there is still time.
I understand your frustration, and feel for you..
Hugs..0 -
Yeah I hear y'a. And weight loss isn't going to lead to finding love, been there, didn't find it :P most activities I do are female focused (which would be great if I were interested in women romantically - but sadly not the case).
My main slightly more mixed activity is running and i've been on the bench for a month and another to go (hopefully I can slowly build up from there).
But you are not a failure. At the end of the day, i think we need to find our own way. Sure lots of people's way is being in a relationship and family and all that jazz but maybe that just isn't in the cards for me. I can't force it. I'm also super awkward socially which doesn't help.
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You sir, are a success - look at what you have achieved! I will give you the same advice I give to my son. Dating sites are a minefield - they may be a good way to meet people of the opposite sex BUT they are limited in helping you meet a soul mate. I tell my son to go out and take up a variety of activities where you can meet friends of both sexes who have similar interests - meeting women as equals with interests in common with yours is, to my mind, a much better option than just looking for nice dates. Even increasing your male friends (son moved to a new area - hence this was also a problem for him) is also a good way to meet interesting women - you know - friends of friends are often useful. Please don't give up - you have improved your healtth and fitness, have got your career sorted (what about friends at work?) - have faith - there will be someone out there for you. Just don't rule them out by being only attracted to particular 'look'. And I agree with above - your biological clock ticks a little slower than us girls - you have time X
ETA - just to add - some girls would love to hook up with someone who plans for the future (my daughter would love to meet one after a series of boys with toys who save nothing!) but maybe not call it an engagement ring fund - after all you may both find a better use for it than a ring
. I blame the media for this emphasiss on engagement rings - most genuine girls would be happy to spend the dosh on something to support both of your futures and wear a sensibly priced ring. X
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Well, you finally seem to have attracted some snarky responses. Pay them no mind. Everyone sees the world through their own prism.
I hope you didn't think my suggestion was snarky. I feel for @BV1980 and I guess I worded my self a bit clumsily. But even with all the barriers, for him to see himself as he describes suggests there is something seriously amiss with his interpersonal interactions. If I were to look at his situation as a business issue I'd conclude one (or more) of the following as to why there had been no sales:
1. There is something wrong with the product.
2. There is something wrong with the packaging
3. There is something wrong with the sales pitch
4. The target audience isn't interested
5. The target audience doesn't understand the product or perceive its value
6. The target audience likes the product but has no resources or need
7. The target audience is too narrow
Life coaches can help figure out which of these is contributing to the brink of [emotional] desolation and create a plan to recalibrate. And, yes, they might recommend the product be sent back to the engineers for further study and redesign (that would be the psychologist).
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@BV1980 -- are you religious at all? Could you be? It sounds like you want a very, very traditional sort of relationship, with your references to being "the provider" and engagement ring accounts and all. If you're looking for someone never married and without children already, I'm also guessing that you'll need to look for someone also very traditional and most likely significantly younger than yourself. A church might be the place to find someone that meets all those criteria.5
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I didn't meet my soulmate until I was 48, and before I met her I was already quite happy in my solitude. The key for me was to understand that I needed to love myself and be my own best friend. You can't just say to the universe "Ok I've done all the work, now give me my reward." It doesn't work that way. Don't worry, be happy...and don't try to force anything. The universe will give you what you need in time, until then enjoy life and try to have a open heart to all you meet. Give love without any expectations and you will be surprised how happy you will become.5
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Here's another thought. If you are going to stick to online dating...have you ever considered being 100% honest in your profile? Basically most of what you told us?
I'm a 38yr old music lover ready for a serious relationship. I've spent the last decade working on myself so that I can be the best possible version of myself. Now I'm ready to share my life with someone else. If I meet "The One", I would love to see marriage and children down the road. Full disclosure, while I've lead an amazing life full of friends and adventures, I've never had a romantic relationship before. I would love to find someone to explore all my "firsts" with and create new experiences together.
Edit - I also wanted to address the creep factor about the engagement ring fund. While you are being very financially responsible (which believe me is a HUGE plus), for some women it comes across as you being so enamored with the idea of marriage and children that any woman would do. It makes one feel dispensable. Most people don't even start thinking about marriage or a family or saving up for a ring until AFTER they meet the person that they just can't live without. It's the woman that drives the desire for marriage, children and and ring and not the other way around. I hope that helps you see a little different perspective.12 -
I've been married twice. My first wife and mother of my son died of AML in 2008 and I remained single for a long time. No interest in dating. I didn't decide to date until several years later. The problem I faced is I was now in my 40's and living in a metropolitan area. Surprisingly, I found that it was much harder meeting women in a large urban environment as you rarely saw the same people twice and people treat each other with suspicion. Anyhow, I started online dating. I used Match and the usual hookup sites (POF, Cupid, etc). I had no problem getting dates. In fact, I had too many at times for my schedule. The problem though was that I was running into a lot of people with some serious issues. Either financial or mental/relationship... as we get older we tend to accumulate some baggage but sometimes it's a mountain that can't be ignored. Right about when I was about to give up my current wife messaged me. We met and there was no turning back.
Anyhow, let me give you a bit of insight to the online dating scene from my short venture into that world.
Women are picky. Very picky - they get hit up constantly if they look even average. It's no wonder that they tend to be a little choosy about superficial things like looks/body type. So, it's very important that your profile is very honest about this. Don't create an image online that doesn't match up to who and what you are in person. It's a great way to end up with only one date. If you are really honest and you match the images you put up the women know what they are getting into and if they show interest you don't have to worry about what they are going to think about your weight when they finally meet you. You need to eliminate that potential issue from the get-go.
Other than that - just be yourself. Keep trying to improve your dating skills and presentation, of course... but remember. Us older folks are more likely to see something they know will be a deal breaker very early on and decide to call it before too much effort and time is wasted. Just keep trying and you will make a connection.9 -
Two options:
1) Push comes to shove: mail order bride? (is that still a thing?) preferably from a country where women are raised to see men as providers and themselves as homemakers.
2) Some people actually never get married. Would you be ready to accept that? Is it possible for you to foster or adopt (possibly older kids) and shower them with opportunities they wouldn't otherwise have. Use that engagement ring fund as their college fund. That might satisfy your need for a family if not for companionship
But then you already have tons of advice to find a wife.
TL;DR: Being married is not a "win" and single a "fail". You might want to explore non traditional family options.13 -
Ok so, your pool is for sure too limited. For what I know about women, by 30 if she wants a traditional relationship she likely already has it or had it. If she doesn't, she probably has unrealistic expectations. I don't know a single woman over the age of 30 who has never been married or had children.
As for on line dating. It can be useful but you have to wade through a lot of crap. I met my husband on line (he is my third husband btw and I had 2 kids before we met) he was over 300lbs when we met but I have always been a health conscious person and he is now 215 @ 6'5" 8 years later. He was very honest, and to be truthful, I didn't expect a romantic connection, he just seemed like he was a good person. It is possible to meet the love of your life on line.
What would you do if by chance you met "the one" and then found out she was previously married? Would you say "forget it, it's over, I don't care how right for me you are, how much we have to talk about, how clear my future with you is, you had the audacity to legally binding yourself to someone before me!!!"? Being married or in a long term relationship where you live together but don't get married creates the same type of baggage.
So I guess I'm saying, don't be narrow minded. Give people a chance. You have no idea what other people have been through until you talk to them. Some people's baggage weighs them down and some carry it on their shoulders like a badge of honor.11 -
I'm not being narrow minded. I just wanted something special. Some girls dream about their wedding day all their life. Well, some guys daydream about that too. I am one of them. I wanted to experience it all together with someone for the first time, not be their second or third choice. It's like when you have a new coworker who is hired. All they talk about is well at my last job this or at my last job that. I don't want to be with someone who just compares me to their last husband. Or while planning the wedding it's like they have been there and done that. It would be all new and exciting to me but not so much for them. I think it loses that something special if it isn't the first time. I want to experience those firsts together. Instead I am the inexperienced one who missed out on it all and now have to settle for someone who has seen and done it all already so it isn't as special anymore.And it is not just the wedding, but married life too. I would feel like I am being compared to previous husbands. It's not what I want. And since it isn't what is available to me I guess, then I have a long road of loneliness and disappointment ahead. I have no idea what I will do with my life. Everything I have done was with the goal of being married someday in mind. I don't know. It's all very depressing these days. I missed out because I was so overweight back in my 20s when everyone was meeting someone and experiencing those firsts. I tried. I asked out girls in college. I was just always rejected. It's not like I have myself to blame for not trying or putting myself out there. I have myself to blame for being fat. Guys aren't wanted when they are fat like I was. My underlying issues of depressing and loneliness led me to that. It's still my fault. I wish I would've not been so afraid and found an outlet in the college gym or joined the weightlifting club or something like that, but I didn't do that. I was on my own and very intimidated. I am different now, but it seems I am too late. I either have to settle and not really get what I was looking for, or I have to be alone. I hate it. I hate that that outlook so much.2
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Maybe see a professional for the depression? Help give you a more positive outlook. Because not being married with kids does NOT make you a failure. You have a ton of positives in your life, we all do even when we don't feel like we do.
A professional can help you put it all in perspective and find happiness (and while I hate the "wait and the right person will come" crap ) but such a negative outlook WILL make it hard to find someone. But depression is not something we can just "get over" it's something we should discuss with a professional for some tool and guidance.
A wedding is just one day. It doesn't define your relationship or a marriage. I am all for sticking to one's guns in what is important. But how is finding someone you love that works for you SETTLING just becuase they were married before?
I am 37, no kids, never married. But I also am pretty sure i don't want kids at 37. Nor a big wedding.9 -
Congratulations on your weight transformation.
Good for you that you have managed your career and your finances so handily.
You may not be doing anything wrong in the relationship department. Each date is unique and there’s this thing called free will.
Might I suggest a club? I’m loving Toastmasters right now and it’s pretty welcoming. I was chatting with a veteran Toastmaster the other day and he says the club allows people to really be themselves. The first speech is an ice breaker where you get to talk all about you, to an appreciative audience. It only goes up from there.2 -
I think you are significantly limiting your choices by not entertaining women who have been married before or who have children. I'm in my mid-30's and almost all of my friends are married, have been married, or have children. I only have two single friends who have never married and are childless. Even if you meet someone who hasn't been married and is childless, she might not want to have children if she is close to your age.
I understand that you don't want to be compared to an ex-husband; however, many of these women will have at least been in romantic relationships before. You cannot completely cut that factor out of the equation--comparison will always be there.
I truly hope that you find a good match.6 -
I'll try to keep this short so you don't have to read another novel.
You have accomplished a GREAT amount regarding weight loss and your career. You are a stable guy and I hate to say it but the solid bank account and 401k are going to help you with the ladies (especially if you date ones around your age). Don't advertise it obviously but if you get serious with a woman she'll find out.
As far as the ladies not being interested, being polite and a little good old-fashioned manners are good practices but you also can't seem like you're desperate to please a woman or a sissy (for lack of a better term). This doesn't mean you have to act like Donald Trump but you need a backbone and they will respect that. If they don't and want to be boss and totally in charge of 100% of everything you don't need that anyway.4 -
Generally, those who have an all out expensive wedding are the marriages that don't last. Like others have said, it sounds like you have unrealistic expectations. The wedding is just one day and while the pictures and memories are nice, it is much more important that you don't marry someone for the wrong reasons. Marriage and relationships are hard work. It takes choosing to love and be with that person every day for the rest of your life. There is no fairy tale relationship and you do not just fall in love and live happily ever after.
Another thing I would like to add that I didn't see that anyone else had already said. Focus on loving yourself. Be happy with who you are. How can you expect someone else to love you if you don't love yourself? If you cannot be happy with yourself, being with another person will not change that.7 -
First, it's amazing that you have lost that much, that is amazing. I was married for 15 years and then after my divorce, being thrown out into the dating scene has pretty much been a disaster. But I still have hope. I think sometimes it can just take a long while to find someone who is right for you. I can tell you from having a bad experience that it's better off to be alone than to be with someone who is mean to you, or who doesn't really want you. I really hope that you can find someone. Maybe you should broaden your horizons. Maybe the women you are choosing just aren't right for you. I know everyone seems to have a "type" that they like, but maybe you might want to change it up a little. Just to see what's out there. Good luck to you!1
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Congratulations on your weight loss, that is significant and wonderful! You’ve received some wonderful advice... And you can do this, but let me make a few observations.
1) Do NOT equate losing weight with being able to find a satisfying relationship. Not that you are, but many people fall into the mindset trap of needing to be at a certain weight to find love. Not so.
2) In addition to owning your personal development, realize that you will be working on yourself for many years to come. Many. In fact, the rest of your life, which means that, “it ain’t over ‘till it’s over!”
3) I think some of the best advice you’ve received from this post is to look in places you haven’t truly looked before. That’s where the gold is!
Never feel bad for your progress, it's progress... no matter how slow! And best of luck with your finding love, and again, well done on your significant and wonderful weight loss!3 -
I want so badly to reply to this with something helpful, but I am really struggling with how to put it constructively...
Here are a couple thoughts:
1. you really sound like you are "done" with weightloss - and you've accomplished so much by losing over 100 pounds. So to you it is a dramatic change from what you used to weigh. But to someone meeting you for the first time without having the comparison to the old you, you are a 325 pound man. That is the starting point of weightloss for many people. Have you provided that info in your profile?
2. I would really second the recommendation to talk to someone - health professional, counselor, therapist, life coach - whatever. Both about your depression and in general about your situation. An outside neutral perspective can be invaluable.
3. I never have been married myself. I would have loved to, but never found the right guy in the right situation. As I headed toward my forties and dated a few guys like yourself, I pretty much gave up on that. I am too stubborn and independent to deal with someone else's crap. I took matters into my own hands and had kids on my own. While that is neither ideal nor possible for everyone, it was perfect for me.
4. I am sure that you don't feel like you are coming off as creepy or desperate. But I have to say as gently as I can - it comes across very strongly in your writing. I realize you are venting here and you wouldn't on a date so that would be a major difference. Maybe putting some more of your true feelings about the specialness of marriage (gag) into your online dating profiles would be helpful. It might limit the pool of interested women but at least anyone who did reply would probably be more on the same page as you.
5. Finally, have you considered a matchmaking service like "It's just lunch"? They would be able to narrow down the candidates to women who shared your values. Although a service like that is probably geared more towards independent career women who may not be your target audience.
I really do feel for you and wish you the best.12 -
@BV1980
Brother. I’m older than you, 68. Take this bit of advice. By counseling or any other effective means, try to get yourself away from regretting and ruminating. The past no longer exists, all that is left is an idea in your head about the past.
Regret will eat you alive if you let it. What might have been didn’t happen. Don’t spend your time longing for a world that doesn’t exist. Time is a valuable commodity.
Open yourself to this world, this timeline. Quit planning so much. The future by its nature is unknown.
Big weddings are way overrated btw.27 -
There's nothing wrong with seeing a doctor for depression. With lots of weightloss comes lots of changes to your body including sometimes hormones and brain chemistry. If your body was not producing enough insulin most people wouldn't think twice about going to a doctor. A chemical deficiency in your brain is no different and there's no shame in it. Before love, before anything I urge you to see a doctor about if you have depression or a hormone imbalance. Please take care of you! You're important and feeling better is important.1
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I know people will probably hate me for saying this but...
Lose some more weight and get into the mid to early 200 lb range. You'll increase your odds of finding someone I suspect by a noticeable margin. It's not a guarantee but it's better to play with favourable odds.
Use the engagement ring money to hire a decent PT and dietician as necessary. Sounds like you've done a lot of internal work but have some external work left to do.8 -
I'm not being narrow minded. I just wanted something special. Some girls dream about their wedding day all their life. Well, some guys daydream about that too. I am one of them. I wanted to experience it all together with someone for the first time, not be their second or third choice. It's like when you have a new coworker who is hired. All they talk about is well at my last job this or at my last job that. I don't want to be with someone who just compares me to their last husband. Or while planning the wedding it's like they have been there and done that. It would be all new and exciting to me but not so much for them. I think it loses that something special if it isn't the first time. I want to experience those firsts together.
Just to respond to a couple of comments about what you are looking doesn't exist. I am over 35, never been married, never had children. I know a few women who are the same. Some of my friends are getting married for the first time in their late 30s, early 40s and having their first child then (or not).
OTOH, maybe her (your potential wife that you are dismissing) first time sucked and she really would appreciate a do over. If she is divorced for example it's likely that even if there is comparison you'll come up on top. Wouldn't that be nice? That someone who has been there is possibly wiser chose you!? and is happy with that choice more than the first time around? (I remember the proposal in the movie "Stepmom").
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I'm not being narrow minded. I just wanted something special. Some girls dream about their wedding day all their life. Well, some guys daydream about that too. I am one of them. I wanted to experience it all together with someone for the first time, not be their second or third choice. It's like when you have a new coworker who is hired. All they talk about is well at my last job this or at my last job that. I don't want to be with someone who just compares me to their last husband. Or while planning the wedding it's like they have been there and done that. It would be all new and exciting to me but not so much for them. I think it loses that something special if it isn't the first time. I want to experience those firsts together. Instead I am the inexperienced one who missed out on it all and now have to settle for someone who has seen and done it all already so it isn't as special anymore.And it is not just the wedding, but married life too. I would feel like I am being compared to previous husbands. It's not what I want. And since it isn't what is available to me I guess, then I have a long road of loneliness and disappointment ahead. I have no idea what I will do with my life. Everything I have done was with the goal of being married someday in mind. I don't know. It's all very depressing these days. I missed out because I was so overweight back in my 20s when everyone was meeting someone and experiencing those firsts. I tried. I asked out girls in college. I was just always rejected. It's not like I have myself to blame for not trying or putting myself out there. I have myself to blame for being fat. Guys aren't wanted when they are fat like I was. My underlying issues of depressing and loneliness led me to that. It's still my fault. I wish I would've not been so afraid and found an outlet in the college gym or joined the weightlifting club or something like that, but I didn't do that. I was on my own and very intimidated. I am different now, but it seems I am too late. I either have to settle and not really get what I was looking for, or I have to be alone. I hate it. I hate that that outlook so much.
I had gone through some really tough relationships up until my late 20s and I decided at that time just to be OK with being single and take any pressure off of myself to find the "One" so to speak. I was happy, healthy, and making a decent living at the time and just decided to hang out with friends and engage in the things that made me the happiest growing up. I never out grew Sci Fi or creating art but I just upped those elements into my daily routine, no matter what if I was going to be single I was at least going to have some fun along the way.
Life throws you a curve ball now and then and about the time I was just OK being on my own I met a woman who was a complete opposite of me in a lot of respects and we became friends and then more and now we have been married almost 16 years (no kids mind you but that doesn't matter). So what I am trying to get is that we both had prior relationships and baggage going into our friendship (me more than her) but we made our "firsts" together there was no comparing our pasts because everything we were doing today was new to both of us no matter our level of relationships prior to meeting. I've never compared my wife to my ex girlfriends (they are exes for a reason) and vice versa she hasn't compared me to her exes either.
You are at a certain age where more than likely the women you meet will have some baggage and you have some too, heck we all have baggage it's called being human. Talk it out, seek out a therapist, an unbiased opinion can be insightful. Be OK with just being you and don't pile on this pressure of the past and future, just be present. The past is done and over with, nothing can change that and the future is just unknown and only cause for anxiety. Being grounded in the present help you navigate the path of your future.
There are so many people in this world and so many who would be your cup of tea and you theirs. It might take a lot of self reflection on your part and being flexible in who you allow into your life. I met my wife through her sister when she visited Arizona a number of times and we developed a long distance friendship (Arizona to Massachusetts) for almost a year before we even started dating. The odds were so stacked against us but we managed and sacrificed and remained flexible to make it happen. Who knows what our future will hold but we take it day by day and still continue to have our "firsts"7 -
good job on your weight loss though! keep up the good work.
I had typed something else but then felt it was too personal to put online. Sorry that now my comment is useless.2 -
I'm not being narrow minded. I just wanted something special. Some girls dream about their wedding day all their life. Well, some guys daydream about that too. I am one of them. I wanted to experience it all together with someone for the first time, not be their second or third choice. It's like when you have a new coworker who is hired. All they talk about is well at my last job this or at my last job that. I don't want to be with someone who just compares me to their last husband. Or while planning the wedding it's like they have been there and done that. It would be all new and exciting to me but not so much for them. I think it loses that something special if it isn't the first time. I want to experience those firsts together. Instead I am the inexperienced one who missed out on it all and now have to settle for someone who has seen and done it all already so it isn't as special anymore.And it is not just the wedding, but married life too. I would feel like I am being compared to previous husbands. It's not what I want. And since it isn't what is available to me I guess, then I have a long road of loneliness and disappointment ahead. I have no idea what I will do with my life. Everything I have done was with the goal of being married someday in mind. I don't know. It's all very depressing these days. I missed out because I was so overweight back in my 20s when everyone was meeting someone and experiencing those firsts. I tried. I asked out girls in college. I was just always rejected. It's not like I have myself to blame for not trying or putting myself out there. I have myself to blame for being fat. Guys aren't wanted when they are fat like I was. My underlying issues of depressing and loneliness led me to that. It's still my fault. I wish I would've not been so afraid and found an outlet in the college gym or joined the weightlifting club or something like that, but I didn't do that. I was on my own and very intimidated. I am different now, but it seems I am too late. I either have to settle and not really get what I was looking for, or I have to be alone. I hate it. I hate that that outlook so much.
Hm. Honestly it's starting to feel like you might be closed minded (which... you clearly think you're not since you said so in the first sentence) and trying projecting your thoughts and feelings onto other people. If the right person finds you, they either don't make comparisons OR they think you're sent from heaven in comparison. If that's not the case, then the relationship ends. And they're going to feel super excited about experiencing what life will offer with you. And that is true whether or not they've had previous relationships. Very few people marry the first person they date, so MOST people are not going in saying ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING must be a first time with this person! But you are saying that. I didn't marry the first person I kissed. I didn't marry the first person I had sex with. I didn't marry the first person I went for coffee with. I didn't marry the first person I discussed the future with. If you don't feel "it's something special" just because the other person has a past... that's on you. Their past is what shaped them into the person you're interested in. But here you are asking them to not have one.
Not to mention I am reading a low self esteem with someone who has given up. It won't come to those who don't think it will. If it tried to, you'd probably push it away. Perhaps consider some counselling on the emotional side of things of feeling like a "failure" or "depressing" or "unwanted" or "too late"... If you don't like your outlook, then change it. You're the one who is self imposing that outlook. Personally, I wouldn't want that kind of negativity from a partner from the get go, that would just bring me down too. This is why people say you have to actually love yourself. And it can't be a farce or a show you put on. It has to be true. You can't count on a partner to come in and "fix" you.
I'm only commenting on what I can read from you though.17 -
In my experience, people are attracted to happiness and confidence. I could go long periods of time without a girlfriend and it certainly felt like nobody wanted me. After I'd find myself in a relationship (and not actively seeking to find someone), I'd start getting hints from other ladies that seemed interested.
It'll happen when you least expect it. Maybe for now, you need to work (a bad word for it) more on being happy solo. Find hobbies that you like. Stay active and fit. Maybe start going to concerts or the theater or more public activities / exercising. For a random example, I've enjoyed doing the Yelp Elite member thing and then meeting new people from my town at their official and unofficial events.
Hang in there. You're doing "the lord's work," as I've heard said.2
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