127 lbs lost, yet still a failure

I've been married twice. My first wife and mother of my son died of AML in 2008 and I remained single for a long time. No interest in dating. I didn't decide to date until several years later. The problem I faced is I was now in my 40's and living in a metropolitan area. Surprisingly, I found that it was much harder meeting women in a large urban environment as you rarely saw the same people twice and people treat each other with suspicion. Anyhow, I started online dating. I used Match and the usual hookup sites (POF, Cupid, etc). I had no problem getting dates. In fact, I had too many at times for my schedule. The problem though was that I was running into a lot of people with some serious issues. Either financial or mental/relationship... as we get older we tend to accumulate some baggage but sometimes it's a mountain that can't be ignored. Right about when I was about to give up my current wife messaged me. We met and there was no turning back.

Anyhow, let me give you a bit of insight to the online dating scene from my short venture into that world.

Women are picky. Very picky - they get hit up constantly if they look even average. It's no wonder that they tend to be a little choosy about superficial things like looks/body type. So, it's very important that your profile is very honest about this. Don't create an image online that doesn't match up to who and what you are in person. It's a great way to end up with only one date. If you are really honest and you match the images you put up the women know what they are getting into and if they show interest you don't have to worry about what they are going to think about your weight when they finally meet you. You need to eliminate that potential issue from the get-go.

Other than that - just be yourself. Keep trying to improve your dating skills and presentation, of course... but remember. Us older folks are more likely to see something they know will be a deal breaker very early on and decide to call it before too much effort and time is wasted. Just keep trying and you will make a connection.

Ok so, your pool is for sure too limited. For what I know about women, by 30 if she wants a traditional relationship she likely already has it or had it. If she doesn't, she probably has unrealistic expectations. I don't know a single woman over the age of 30 who has never been married or had children.

As for on line dating. It can be useful but you have to wade through a lot of crap. I met my husband on line (he is my third husband btw and I had 2 kids before we met) he was over 300lbs when we met but I have always been a health conscious person and he is now 215 @ 6'5" 8 years later. He was very honest, and to be truthful, I didn't expect a romantic connection, he just seemed like he was a good person. It is possible to meet the love of your life on line.

What would you do if by chance you met "the one" and then found out she was previously married? Would you say "forget it, it's over, I don't care how right for me you are, how much we have to talk about, how clear my future with you is, you had the audacity to legally binding yourself to someone before me!!!"? Being married or in a long term relationship where you live together but don't get married creates the same type of baggage.

So I guess I'm saying, don't be narrow minded. Give people a chance. You have no idea what other people have been through until you talk to them. Some people's baggage weighs them down and some carry it on their shoulders like a badge of honor.

Maybe see a professional for the depression? Help give you a more positive outlook. Because not being married with kids does NOT make you a failure. You have a ton of positives in your life, we all do even when we don't feel like we do.

A professional can help you put it all in perspective and find happiness (and while I hate the "wait and the right person will come" crap ) but such a negative outlook WILL make it hard to find someone. But depression is not something we can just "get over" it's something we should discuss with a professional for some tool and guidance.

A wedding is just one day. It doesn't define your relationship or a marriage. I am all for sticking to one's guns in what is important. But how is finding someone you love that works for you SETTLING just becuase they were married before?

I am 37, no kids, never married. But I also am pretty sure i don't want kids at 37. Nor a big wedding.

I think you are significantly limiting your choices by not entertaining women who have been married before or who have children. I'm in my mid-30's and almost all of my friends are married, have been married, or have children. I only have two single friends who have never married and are childless. Even if you meet someone who hasn't been married and is childless, she might not want to have children if she is close to your age.

I understand that you don't want to be compared to an ex-husband; however, many of these women will have at least been in romantic relationships before. You cannot completely cut that factor out of the equation--comparison will always be there.

I truly hope that you find a good match.

Generally, those who have an all out expensive wedding are the marriages that don't last. Like others have said, it sounds like you have unrealistic expectations. The wedding is just one day and while the pictures and memories are nice, it is much more important that you don't marry someone for the wrong reasons. Marriage and relationships are hard work. It takes choosing to love and be with that person every day for the rest of your life. There is no fairy tale relationship and you do not just fall in love and live happily ever after.

Another thing I would like to add that I didn't see that anyone else had already said. Focus on loving yourself. Be happy with who you are. How can you expect someone else to love you if you don't love yourself? If you cannot be happy with yourself, being with another person will not change that.

@BV1980

Brother. I’m older than you, 68. Take this bit of advice. By counseling or any other effective means, try to get yourself away from regretting and ruminating. The past no longer exists, all that is left is an idea in your head about the past.

Regret will eat you alive if you let it. What might have been didn’t happen. Don’t spend your time longing for a world that doesn’t exist. Time is a valuable commodity.

Open yourself to this world, this timeline. Quit planning so much. The future by its nature is unknown.

Big weddings are way overrated btw.

I know people will probably hate me for saying this but...

Lose some more weight and get into the mid to early 200 lb range. You'll increase your odds of finding someone I suspect by a noticeable margin. It's not a guarantee but it's better to play with favourable odds.

Use the engagement ring money to hire a decent PT and dietician as necessary. Sounds like you've done a lot of internal work but have some external work left to do.

BV1980 wrote: »

I'm not being narrow minded. I just wanted something special. Some girls dream about their wedding day all their life. Well, some guys daydream about that too. I am one of them. I wanted to experience it all together with someone for the first time, not be their second or third choice. It's like when you have a new coworker who is hired. All they talk about is well at my last job this or at my last job that. I don't want to be with someone who just compares me to their last husband. Or while planning the wedding it's like they have been there and done that. It would be all new and exciting to me but not so much for them. I think it loses that something special if it isn't the first time. I want to experience those firsts together. Instead I am the inexperienced one who missed out on it all and now have to settle for someone who has seen and done it all already so it isn't as special anymore.And it is not just the wedding, but married life too. I would feel like I am being compared to previous husbands. It's not what I want. And since it isn't what is available to me I guess, then I have a long road of loneliness and disappointment ahead. I have no idea what I will do with my life. Everything I have done was with the goal of being married someday in mind. I don't know. It's all very depressing these days. I missed out because I was so overweight back in my 20s when everyone was meeting someone and experiencing those firsts. I tried. I asked out girls in college. I was just always rejected. It's not like I have myself to blame for not trying or putting myself out there. I have myself to blame for being fat. Guys aren't wanted when they are fat like I was. My underlying issues of depressing and loneliness led me to that. It's still my fault. I wish I would've not been so afraid and found an outlet in the college gym or joined the weightlifting club or something like that, but I didn't do that. I was on my own and very intimidated. I am different now, but it seems I am too late. I either have to settle and not really get what I was looking for, or I have to be alone. I hate it. I hate that that outlook so much.

I had gone through some really tough relationships up until my late 20s and I decided at that time just to be OK with being single and take any pressure off of myself to find the "One" so to speak. I was happy, healthy, and making a decent living at the time and just decided to hang out with friends and engage in the things that made me the happiest growing up. I never out grew Sci Fi or creating art but I just upped those elements into my daily routine, no matter what if I was going to be single I was at least going to have some fun along the way.

Life throws you a curve ball now and then and about the time I was just OK being on my own I met a woman who was a complete opposite of me in a lot of respects and we became friends and then more and now we have been married almost 16 years (no kids mind you but that doesn't matter). So what I am trying to get is that we both had prior relationships and baggage going into our friendship (me more than her) but we made our "firsts" together there was no comparing our pasts because everything we were doing today was new to both of us no matter our level of relationships prior to meeting. I've never compared my wife to my ex girlfriends (they are exes for a reason) and vice versa she hasn't compared me to her exes either.

You are at a certain age where more than likely the women you meet will have some baggage and you have some too, heck we all have baggage it's called being human. Talk it out, seek out a therapist, an unbiased opinion can be insightful. Be OK with just being you and don't pile on this pressure of the past and future, just be present. The past is done and over with, nothing can change that and the future is just unknown and only cause for anxiety. Being grounded in the present help you navigate the path of your future.

There are so many people in this world and so many who would be your cup of tea and you theirs. It might take a lot of self reflection on your part and being flexible in who you allow into your life. I met my wife through her sister when she visited Arizona a number of times and we developed a long distance friendship (Arizona to Massachusetts) for almost a year before we even started dating. The odds were so stacked against us but we managed and sacrificed and remained flexible to make it happen. Who knows what our future will hold but we take it day by day and still continue to have our "firsts"

BV1980 wrote: »

I'm not being narrow minded. I just wanted something special. Some girls dream about their wedding day all their life. Well, some guys daydream about that too. I am one of them. I wanted to experience it all together with someone for the first time, not be their second or third choice. It's like when you have a new coworker who is hired. All they talk about is well at my last job this or at my last job that. I don't want to be with someone who just compares me to their last husband. Or while planning the wedding it's like they have been there and done that. It would be all new and exciting to me but not so much for them. I think it loses that something special if it isn't the first time. I want to experience those firsts together. Instead I am the inexperienced one who missed out on it all and now have to settle for someone who has seen and done it all already so it isn't as special anymore.And it is not just the wedding, but married life too. I would feel like I am being compared to previous husbands. It's not what I want. And since it isn't what is available to me I guess, then I have a long road of loneliness and disappointment ahead. I have no idea what I will do with my life. Everything I have done was with the goal of being married someday in mind. I don't know. It's all very depressing these days. I missed out because I was so overweight back in my 20s when everyone was meeting someone and experiencing those firsts. I tried. I asked out girls in college. I was just always rejected. It's not like I have myself to blame for not trying or putting myself out there. I have myself to blame for being fat. Guys aren't wanted when they are fat like I was. My underlying issues of depressing and loneliness led me to that. It's still my fault. I wish I would've not been so afraid and found an outlet in the college gym or joined the weightlifting club or something like that, but I didn't do that. I was on my own and very intimidated. I am different now, but it seems I am too late. I either have to settle and not really get what I was looking for, or I have to be alone. I hate it. I hate that that outlook so much.

Hm. Honestly it's starting to feel like you might be closed minded (which... you clearly think you're not since you said so in the first sentence) and trying projecting your thoughts and feelings onto other people. If the right person finds you, they either don't make comparisons OR they think you're sent from heaven in comparison. If that's not the case, then the relationship ends. And they're going to feel super excited about experiencing what life will offer with you. And that is true whether or not they've had previous relationships. Very few people marry the first person they date, so MOST people are not going in saying ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING must be a first time with this person! But you are saying that. I didn't marry the first person I kissed. I didn't marry the first person I had sex with. I didn't marry the first person I went for coffee with. I didn't marry the first person I discussed the future with. If you don't feel "it's something special" just because the other person has a past... that's on you. Their past is what shaped them into the person you're interested in. But here you are asking them to not have one.

Not to mention I am reading a low self esteem with someone who has given up. It won't come to those who don't think it will. If it tried to, you'd probably push it away. Perhaps consider some counselling on the emotional side of things of feeling like a "failure" or "depressing" or "unwanted" or "too late"... If you don't like your outlook, then change it. You're the one who is self imposing that outlook. Personally, I wouldn't want that kind of negativity from a partner from the get go, that would just bring me down too. This is why people say you have to actually love yourself. And it can't be a farce or a show you put on. It has to be true. You can't count on a partner to come in and "fix" you.

I'm only commenting on what I can read from you though.