127 lbs lost, yet still a failure
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I am going to come across a bit heartless here.
Expecting a woman to validate you and provide you with your future happiness and fulfill your very particular fantasy of a wife is a huge responsibility for any woman you meet. Even if she isn't aware of it, you are, and that will be what drives your relationships. Possibly warps them.This whole thing seems to be about what you want/expect. What about what she wants and expects from you.
Also ruling out women who have experienced married life, who have been through the ups and downs of rearing kids and failed marriages means you are missing out on a valuable resource. You don't have any of those experiences so you could learn a lot even if they are not the one for you, you could still gain life experience by dating them and listening to them.
Not saying that this is the case. But have you even considered that the girlfriend who you were with for 3 months may have got frustrated because you were not meeting her needs. Not picking up on what she wanted from the relationship. She may have been subtly trying to show you what she wanted from you for some time, but realised you weren't taking it on board so she got annoyed with you. Just a thought.
You do seem like a nice guy you are obviously intelligent and articulate but to be brutally honest with you. To me you come across as a bit immature and selfish as well.
We all have romantic ideas of how we want our life to progress but it hardly ever works out that way. I have been married 3 times. But this marriage is different it has been harder in some ways. He had 2 teenage boys already I had fertility issues but guess what we have a son together (totally unexpected) His boys are wonderful to me and we have grandchildren and great grandchildren now. He is the best husband ever. I know because I have had two not so great ones to compare him with.
Don't rule anyone out, not anyone, because you never know who you are going to fall in love with and more importantly who is going to fall in love with you. Give them all the chance to at least meet you.
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manderson27 wrote: »I am going to come across a bit heartless here.manderson27 wrote: »Expecting a woman to validate you and provide you with your future happiness and fulfill your very particular fantasy of a wife is a huge responsibility for any woman you meet. Even if she isn't aware of it, you are, and that will be what drives your relationships. Possibly warps them.This whole thing seems to be about what you want/expect. What about what she wants and expects from you.
All I have mentioned is that I wanted to meet someone special, develop a long term relationshup and eventually get married. Why is it ok for most people to want that exact same thing, but I mention it and it is turned around into all these supposed horrible and unreasonable things I am asking for? This is so damn frustrating. I want love. I want to be given a chance. And I am just being used. I am being used by these women for free dinners. It's a thing that women do on online dating apps. And I am the idiot nice guy sucker who keeps letting it happen. What I am looking for is not unreasonable, but you are making it sound like I am being completely unreasonable. How dare I want to find someone never married and no kids who wants a relationship with long term possibilities. I am such a horrible man for even thinking it. I don't get it.manderson27 wrote: »Not saying that this is the case. But have you even considered that the girlfriend who you were with for 3 months may have got frustrated because you were not meeting her needs. Not picking up on what she wanted from the relationship. She may have been subtly trying to show you what she wanted from you for some time, but realised you weren't taking it on board so she got annoyed with you. Just a thought.
She literally said she was training me like a dog to understand what she needs. Nobody deserves to be spoken to or treated like that. Yet I am the one in the wrong. You know zero details of those 3 months. You know nothing of all the things I did for her and the effort I put into it. And you only mention her needs. I try cuddling up to her one time during a movie and I am told I am needy. What about my need for affection? That doesn't matter? I am just automatically to blame for it failing after 3 months? You have judged me without knowing me.manderson27 wrote: »You do seem like a nice guy you are obviously intelligent and articulate but to be brutally honest with you. To me you come across as a bit immature and selfish as well.
I'm Immature and selfish? How so? Because I want to fall in love and get married, but to someone who has also never been married or had kids before? That makes me immature and selfish? The whole point of this was me venting frustration for experiencing continuing and ongoing rejection even after losing 130 lbs even though I was always told to lose weight and you will do much better in the dating world. It's frustrating and heartbreaking to know that losing the weight didn't change anything. But somehow I am immature and selfish. You don't even know me. So keep your insults to yourself ok?manderson27 wrote: »We all have romantic ideas of how we want our life to progress but it hardly ever works out that way. I have been married 3 times. But this marriage is different it has been harder in some ways. He had 2 teenage boys already I had fertility issues but guess what we have a son together (totally unexpected) His boys are wonderful to me and we have grandchildren and great grandchildren now. He is the best husband ever. I know because I have had two not so great ones to compare him with.
This is a common thing that I don't understand. People tend to give me "advice" that is really nothing mroe than putting me down calling me immature or whatever, telling me that I shouldn't want the things I want and that i will never get the, then they end with throwing it in my face how happy they are and how they found love. You haven't helped. You haven't offered anything useful in terms of advice. You've only mad me feel worse, so what's the point?
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I am a little curious at this point...
You’ve been given a ton of feedback. What’s your plan?
Honestly, I don't know. A lot of the suggestions are great. And a lot of them I have already done. I just feel lost and like there is no hope.
I'm probably going to give up on it. I am going to just focus on the gym, my hobbies, my career, my house, travelling, and things like that. My biggest goal is to build a lake house and buy a boat. I will most likely just put my all into that and then go hide away at my lake cabin and fish and read and try to find some kind of peace in this world. This overwhelming desire in me for love, marriage, family, is killing me. It leaves me terrified that I will end up alone. I'll just hope that I can leave this world sooner rather than later so I don't have to just exist in loneliness until I am in my 80s or whenever. If I have to be alone, I hope I get to leave much sooner than that.13 -
I don’t think wanting to find love is asking too much of the universe. Most people want that same thing. I have several friends your age (I’m about the same age as you.) who have also never been married or had kids. Some of them have had some serious relationships, but not all. And it isn’t for lack of trying. I don’t get it because they are amazing people and anyone would be lucky to have them in their lives. I also don’t see any horrible character flaws in them either. So, it baffles me. In the end it just seems to not work out so far, but that doesn’t mean it won’t ever work out. Easy for me to say because I’m not in their shoes.
I realize that I am not really giving you any helpful advice and I am sorry for that. I just wanted you to know that I know a few women and men who are in the same boat. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with them and I don’t think anything is wrong with you. It doesn’t help. It doesn’t change anything for you. I know. But I hate seeing you beat yourself up.
I hope that you can have a happy life and I hope that life will soon include a wonderful woman who loves you for exactly who you are. Good luck.3 -
crazykatlady820 wrote: »I don’t think wanting to find love is asking too much of the universe. Most people want that same thing. I have several friends your age (I’m about the same age as you.) who have also never been married or had kids. Some of them have had some serious relationships, but not all. And it isn’t for lack of trying. I don’t get it because they are amazing people and anyone would be lucky to have them in their lives. I also don’t see any horrible character flaws in them either. So, it baffles me. In the end it just seems to not work out so far, but that doesn’t mean it won’t ever work out. Easy for me to say because I’m not in their shoes.
I realize that I am not really giving you any helpful advice and I am sorry for that. I just wanted you to know that I know a few women and men who are in the same boat. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with them and I don’t think anything is wrong with you. It doesn’t help. It doesn’t change anything for you. I know. But I hate seeing you beat yourself up.
I hope that you can have a happy life and I hope that life will soon include a wonderful woman who loves you for exactly who you are. Good luck.
Thank you. I really mean that. Thank you.1 -
Honest & compassionate response:
Please believe me when I say that I can completely understand the depression that goes along with not realizing a long-held dream. I can also understand, to a certain extent, wanting to give up permanently. Know what I wish I had done when I was at this point? Talked to a professional in the mental health field. There's a lot of wasted years in my own life that I'm pretty sure could have been put to much better use if I had taken the time to learn about my own emotional health from a qualified professional.
You might want stop reading this now...
Equally honest though far blunter response (but still meant with respect, though it might not read like it):
So, you're unattached, financially stable, and in decent health, and you're ready to give up on life just because this one dream hasn't come true (and while there very well could still be a "yet" added to this statement)?
Also, please stop comparing your life to everyone else's out there. How can you know what your friends/coworkers/even family truly go through in their marriages and lives- maybe they're not happy; maybe they never had the guts to go for something else; maybe they look at your life and are envious of your freedom.
You say we have no real idea of what you've been going through, and how you were promised "by everyone" that once you lost the weight/put enough money aside/put yourself out there your life would somehow turn around- evidently within a completely convenient time frame for you- and be all wonderful and happy. Well (she adds, half-jokingly):
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I am a little curious at this point...
You’ve been given a ton of feedback. What’s your plan?
Honestly, I don't know. A lot of the suggestions are great. And a lot of them I have already done. I just feel lost and like there is no hope.
I'm probably going to give up on it. I am going to just focus on the gym, my hobbies, my career, my house, travelling, and things like that. My biggest goal is to build a lake house and buy a boat. I will most likely just put my all into that and then go hide away at my lake cabin and fish and read and try to find some kind of peace in this world. This overwhelming desire in me for love, marriage, family, is killing me. It leaves me terrified that I will end up alone. I'll just hope that I can leave this world sooner rather than later so I don't have to just exist in loneliness until I am in my 80s or whenever. If I have to be alone, I hope I get to leave much sooner than that.
So sorry you feel that way.
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How dare I want to find someone never married and no kids who wants a relationship with long term possibilities. I am such a horrible man for even thinking it. I don't get it.
Dude, listen: YOU ARE TOO OLD FOR THAT. I'm sorry, that's very blunt, but tact does not seem to be getting the message across. I know that you do not feel middle-aged inside, but you are, and that fact has to be reckoned with.
Women don't stay in stasis until a man comes along and pulls them out of cryo. As other people have pointed out, a woman who wants a very traditional relationship like you want will have done what very traditional women do and gotten married and had kids right out of high school or college. A woman who didn't go the traditional route will by now have learned to live her own life independent of a man to take care of her. She probably won't want a "provider." She may well not want your kids. She will have her own life, her own job, and her own home. It will be on you to convince her that the awesome life she's built for herself will be even more awesome with you in it.
You're what, 38? When I was 38, I had a PhD, a six-figure salary, a healthy 401(k), and a daughter just off to college, and I had frankly had all of men's BS that I was prepared to put up with. I had lived far, far too long to be someone's blushing bride, and so had every woman I knew. Any man who wanted to date me, let alone marry me, would have had to be able to make a very good case for why I should fit him into my already busy life. If you want to date someone your own age, "I want someone uncontaminated by the claims of other men" is going to be an extraordinarily difficult sell.
If that's what you want, you will have to date someone half your age. Good luck meeting her father, who will be your age and will understandably not be in favor of your suit. You missed the "high school sweetheart" stage of traditional relationships. You can't go back to it. You can live with what's available now, or you can keep looking for the prom queen who's waited almost 40 years to have a serious relationship, whichever.
But damn, if that's your pool, you better be prepared to put up with a whole lot of Issues and possibly a more-than-usual amount of crazy.
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Tact is not working with this guy. So many people offered wonderful advice and suggestions and his responses come across as defensive, puerile and whiny. You asked for advice and the advice you were given was fantastic. I would like to thank everyone for their very kind and thoughtful replies. Thank you all for taking time out of your busy lives to share your valuable opinions in an attempt to help this mans fragile ego. Hopefully he will get help from a mental health professional on how to develop healthy relationships through empathy, kindness and good communication skills.15
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Congrats on what you have fine! Dating is hard these days, especially online and when overweight. I'm having a hell of a time as well. Keep your head up!0
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I keep finding myself drawn back to this thread. I think you sound like a really decent guy and it's honestly too bad that you haven't found the right person for you. I also think it's quite an amazing accomplishment that you lost the weight that you did and have kept it off. If you never lost another pound, your health has benefited tremendously, and I'm sure other areas of your life have too.
There's a couple of things that I've found myself wondering about, though. One is, are you actually satisfied with where you are right now weight/health wise? (I think others have alluded to this, and I haven't seen a response- could have missed it, though.) You're apparently around 325 right now, and I haven't seen your height mentioned anywhere, but if you're somewhere in the 6'- 6'2" range, you would have a BMI in the low 40s. Aside from all of the relationship stuff, is that OK with you? Do you have any current health or fitness goals? Out of curiosity, would you be willing to date a woman with a comparable BMI?
My second thought is less serious in nature, but could have some merit. You say one of your passions is heavy metal music and you travel frequently in connection with it. Now I admittedly know nothing about that, but is this a big draw for women of child-bearing age?
Do you run into a lot of women that match your criteria this way? Your post very much reminded me of another user on here who was bemoaning an ongoing lack of interest from women despite being very close to his goal weight. I seem to recall him being really into ju jitsu, or something like that, and I remember wondering just how many women he encounters in his hobby, or, of the ones he does encounter going about his life, how many might shy away from a man who is passionate about martial arts.
Neither of my observations is meant to lend validity to the idea that a person needs to jump through the right hoops to find a partner. It doesn't and shouldn't work that way. Just a couple of things that occurred to me when thinking about why things might be the way they are.
Wish you well
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I am a little curious at this point...
You’ve been given a ton of feedback. What’s your plan?
Honestly, I don't know. A lot of the suggestions are great. And a lot of them I have already done. I just feel lost and like there is no hope.
I'm probably going to give up on it. I am going to just focus on the gym, my hobbies, my career, my house, travelling, and things like that. My biggest goal is to build a lake house and buy a boat. I will most likely just put my all into that and then go hide away at my lake cabin and fish and read and try to find some kind of peace in this world. This overwhelming desire in me for love, marriage, family, is killing me. It leaves me terrified that I will end up alone. I'll just hope that I can leave this world sooner rather than later so I don't have to just exist in loneliness until I am in my 80s or whenever. If I have to be alone, I hope I get to leave much sooner than that.
So instead of taking nearly everyone's advice to talk to someone (counselor, therapist, life coach, etc) and get some perspective and help, you're going to give up? If nothing else, addressing the potential depression would be so valuable. I realize it's hard, but you have done and are still doing so many other things that are hard. Maybe take a break from everything and talk to someone.2 -
You have had some incredibly compassionate and understanding feedback. You have had some very sound advice. You have been told true stories about how many people find love later in life in the hopes that it will inspire you to keep trying. You have had some very honest feedback on what (perhaps) may be going against you in the dating world. You have had suggestions regarding what you might do to help yourself regarding your feelings about being a failure. Everyone has tried in numerous different ways to help and be sympathetic, compassionate and understanding.
At the end of the day you can't keep blaming the world for not living up to your expectations. Love happens when it happens you can be open to opportunities but you can't force it in any way.
I am sorry that you saw me telling you about my success in finding the right someone (after 36 years of crap relationships) as a slap in YOUR face. It was meant to prove that you can find love even late in life, even with someone with kids and a lot of baggage and an obnoxious ex.
I may not have been lonely like you are but my life was hard in a lot of other ways, including poverty, two failed marriages, misscarriages, the still birth of my son and numerous other things. So why do you think everyone else is happy all the time, trust me we aren't. But we don't give up, we keep going and eventually we win through to better times.
You probably will to. Or not. We don't know until it happens. Every time you think you know what you want, life can change it for you, everytime you make a plan it can fall apart, everytime you decide to do something life can stop you.
In the end we all have to live the life we are given, make the changes we can and deal with the crap we can't.
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Be thankful the "Uno" woman did not work out. Dating isn't easy but being with someone like that can be worse than being single. That was a learning experience and chalk it up as such.
I just wanted to add a couple more suggestions based on your responses to other people's posts. First don't let your overwhelming desire for intimacy come off as desperation. In the film Singles there is a funny scene where Debbie Hunt goes on the blind date that doesn't work out but then turns around and meets a guy who just loves her earrings and that is how it works sometimes, just out of the blue when you least expect it. Movies, if done well, can give you insights into our basic human nature.
I've been playing video games since pong and Heavy Metal is still my favorite music to see live, that being said I know MMOs and music scenes like that pretty well and they are typically are weighted towards a male audience so women who have similar interests typically have their pick and choose of men. I know plenty of women who play MMOs and are into heavy metal or goth and they get hit on a lot and I mean a lot. Even in the Dark Art scene where their are probably equal amounts of men and women the women still get hit on a lot from men outside and inside the scene. It's not always pleasant for women who dig that type of art, music, and/or games so they are naturally pretty standoffish in my opinion. That is not to say that matches don't happen because they do but sometimes those odds are not great. My wife doesn't listen to heavy metal, play games, nor like dark art but we have other things in common like popular culture and some alternative and 80s music as well as our sense of humor.
I get the feeling that you feel life is passing you by, it's not. Life is life and some of the best things in my life happened in my late 30s. Be happy with yourself and that sense of calm will open the doors for women to see the real you. Life can be tough and I think you know that. Think of it this way. I've spent my life working hard and I want to sell and live off my artwork, it hasn't happened and it may never happen but that doesn't stop me from trying. I've tried many different things to make it happen and I've had some limited success here and there but there are so many things left untried that might one day make it happen but I need to be OK with it not happening and be OK with the pursuit, if that makes sense.
Don't get caught up in the cycle of doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.7 -
Out of curiosity, would you be willing to date a woman with a comparable BMI?
I would also like to know the answer to this.
Bear in mind when I say what I’m about to say that I read a whole bunch of relationship threads on other forums, a lot of what you’re saying and how you’re reacting to the advice you’re getting is ringing many many bells, but of course I could be off base.
Do you have female friends? I get the same feeling as the poster who mentioned above that you possibly see every date as an interview for the position of A Wife rather than just a chance to get to know another person. Your hobbies, also like mentioned above, are very male-centric or solo which is probably holding you back socially. If you can’t be platonic friends with women you probably just don't connect with women in a natural way, which is sometimes obvious and offputting. You can’t have a full human experience if you only really interact with one half of the population and see the other half as Possible Wife or Not Wife Material and your reaction, “I’ll just go live alone in the woods and die then” is a) childish and petulant and b) kinda suggests you’re not really interested in making connections with other people if they’re not Your Future Wife. That’s really worrying, humans are social animals and we need social connections and friends to be happy.
Focus on the friendships you currently have and opening up your platonic social circle to include women you don’t want to marry. We are still worth knowing and your life will be the richer for it. This is what people mean when they say just put yourself out there and it will eventually happen, making genuine connections/friendships with more and varied people is how you find those who might be compatible partners.
Also, get therapy.
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Out of curiosity, would you be willing to date a woman with a comparable BMI?
Absolutely! I would almost prefer it because then we have something big in common and we would truly understand each other's struggles with being overweight since we have both been there. A side note on BMI, though... I don't think it is accurate. Yes I still weigh around 325, but after losing 130 lbs, I switched to strength training and weight lifting and have built muscle and am working on recomposing my body rather than focusing too much on the scale. I still will lose weight and see that number go down, but I am making it a permanent life change and am focused on how I feel and look rather than how much I weigh. But yes, I am more attracted to curvy, or "higher BMI" women because we have that in common. I know people think oh you must have way too high standards then and are trying to date only super models. I am not. I am attracted much more to what the world would view as average women. Give me a girl in jeans and a hoodie with curves who wants to be healthy and is a work in progress like I am.I would also like to know the answer to this.
Bear in mind when I say what I’m about to say that I read a whole bunch of relationship threads on other forums, a lot of what you’re saying and how you’re reacting to the advice you’re getting is ringing many many bells, but of course I could be off base.
Do you have female friends? I get the same feeling as the poster who mentioned above that you possibly see every date as an interview for the position of A Wife rather than just a chance to get to know another person. Your hobbies, also like mentioned above, are very male-centric or solo which is probably holding you back socially. If you can’t be platonic friends with women you probably just don't connect with women in a natural way, which is sometimes obvious and offputting. You can’t have a full human experience if you only really interact with one half of the population and see the other half as Possible Wife or Not Wife Material and your reaction, “I’ll just go live alone in the woods and die then” is a) childish and petulant and b) kinda suggests you’re not really interested in making connections with other people if they’re not Your Future Wife. That’s really worrying, humans are social animals and we need social connections and friends to be happy.
Focus on the friendships you currently have and opening up your platonic social circle to include women you don’t want to marry. We are still worth knowing and your life will be the richer for it. This is what people mean when they say just put yourself out there and it will eventually happen, making genuine connections/friendships with more and varied people is how you find those who might be compatible partners.
Also, get therapy.
Yes I have female friends. I don't get to hang out with them all the time because they are busy with life and work and family, etc. My one friend, Lyndsey, lives in North Carolina. She has battled cancer the past 6 months and after 2 major surgeries and 2 separate rounds of chemo she has finally won her battle. She was unable to go with me to see Nine Inch Nails at Red Rocks in Colorado last month because she didn't yet have clearance from her doctor to travel and she is their biggest fan ever. She was so disappointed, but they announced 2 additional shows in Vegas at the end of November, and she is now able to travel. I am going out to Vegas with her and we are going to celebrate her beating cancer. We are friends. I don't view all women as job candidates for a wife position as you said. I truly care for people and women as friends as well. It is hard to convey ones life and personality through an online message board, so I get why some people assume certain things about me. I don't understand why I am being called certain things by some in this thread, but I am very grateful to those offering advice and trying to help.
As for therapy... I have tried it on 2 separate occasions as I was losing the 130 lbs. I knew I had to work out some things beyond just my weight. It helped. But was also incredibly expensive... like thousands of dollars out of pocket. I reached a point where I felt like it wasn't helping anymore. In fact the first one convinced me to end a potential relationship with a girl who i now regret big time because she was amazing and was interested in me. But this therapist felt it was not good since I had to work on myself first. I reluctantly went along with her advice after many arguments about it and ended it with this girl. We had been dating for only a couple months and this was when I was 32 or so. I regret that so much. Why did I listen to this therapist. I know I had a lot of work to do on myself, but that could've been my one chance for love. I could've been married to that girl today or something. Who knows.4 -
Out of curiosity, would you be willing to date a woman with a comparable BMI?
Absolutely! I would almost prefer it because then we have something big in common and we would truly understand each other's struggles with being overweight since we have both been there. A side note on BMI, though... I don't think it is accurate. Yes I still weigh around 325, but after losing 130 lbs, I switched to strength training and weight lifting and have built muscle and am working on recomposing my body rather than focusing too much on the scale. I still will lose weight and see that number go down, but I am making it a permanent life change and am focused on how I feel and look rather than how much I weigh. But yes, I am more attracted to curvy, or "higher BMI" women because we have that in common. I know people think oh you must have way too high standards then and are trying to date only super models. I am not. I am attracted much more to what the world would view as average women. Give me a girl in jeans and a hoodie with curves who wants to be healthy and is a work in progress like I am.
Just want to clarify that my point about BMI was more about you and your personal health than about the dating issue. Building muscle is fine, but speaking from experience, in another decade or so I suspect you will really begin to feel the effects of carrying the extra weight. And when I asked about dating a fellow obese person, I actually was thinking less about physical attraction as I was the health aspect as well. I think a man or a woman might have legitimate concerns about future challenges sharing a life with an obese person who may or may not have any further interest in making changes. It might result in some quick judgments, whether warranted or not. And as a side note, obesity can often negatively impact fertility in women (as it did me). Maybe men too, though I don't actually know anything about that. Just sayin.
At any rate, it is certainly a multi-faceted problem that will require a multi-faceted approach, and as I said, I wish you well.
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“As for therapy... I have tried it on 2 separate occasions as I was losing the 130 lbs. I knew I had to work out some things beyond just my weight. It helped. But was also incredibly expensive... like thousands of dollars out of pocket. I reached a point where I felt like it wasn't helping anymore. In fact the first one convinced me to end a potential relationship with a girl who i now regret big time because she was amazing and was interested in me. But this therapist felt it was not good since I had to work on myself first. I reluctantly went along with her advice after many arguments about it and ended it with this girl. We had been dating for only a couple months and this was when I was 32 or so. I regret that so much. Why did I listen to this therapist. I know I had a lot of work to do on myself, but that could've been my one chance for love. I could've been married to that girl today or something. Who knows.”
You have a house, a lake cabin, and enough money saved up for an engagement ring but therapy is too expensive?
The therapist you were seeing may not have been a good fit. It took me a couple to find one with whom I clicked. It’s always easier to see things when you are on the outside looking in; perhaps she saw red flags with the woman she advised you to stop being in contact with.
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Out of curiosity, would you be willing to date a woman with a comparable BMI?
Absolutely! I would almost prefer it because then we have something big in common and we would truly understand each other's struggles with being overweight since we have both been there. A side note on BMI, though... I don't think it is accurate. Yes I still weigh around 325, but after losing 130 lbs, I switched to strength training and weight lifting and have built muscle and am working on recomposing my body rather than focusing too much on the scale. I still will lose weight and see that number go down, but I am making it a permanent life change and am focused on how I feel and look rather than how much I weigh. But yes, I am more attracted to curvy, or "higher BMI" women because we have that in common. I know people think oh you must have way too high standards then and are trying to date only super models. I am not. I am attracted much more to what the world would view as average women. Give me a girl in jeans and a hoodie with curves who wants to be healthy and is a work in progress like I am.I would also like to know the answer to this.
Bear in mind when I say what I’m about to say that I read a whole bunch of relationship threads on other forums, a lot of what you’re saying and how you’re reacting to the advice you’re getting is ringing many many bells, but of course I could be off base.
Do you have female friends? I get the same feeling as the poster who mentioned above that you possibly see every date as an interview for the position of A Wife rather than just a chance to get to know another person. Your hobbies, also like mentioned above, are very male-centric or solo which is probably holding you back socially. If you can’t be platonic friends with women you probably just don't connect with women in a natural way, which is sometimes obvious and offputting. You can’t have a full human experience if you only really interact with one half of the population and see the other half as Possible Wife or Not Wife Material and your reaction, “I’ll just go live alone in the woods and die then” is a) childish and petulant and b) kinda suggests you’re not really interested in making connections with other people if they’re not Your Future Wife. That’s really worrying, humans are social animals and we need social connections and friends to be happy.
Focus on the friendships you currently have and opening up your platonic social circle to include women you don’t want to marry. We are still worth knowing and your life will be the richer for it. This is what people mean when they say just put yourself out there and it will eventually happen, making genuine connections/friendships with more and varied people is how you find those who might be compatible partners.
Also, get therapy.
As for therapy... I have tried it on 2 separate occasions as I was losing the 130 lbs. I knew I had to work out some things beyond just my weight. It helped. But was also incredibly expensive... like thousands of dollars out of pocket. I reached a point where I felt like it wasn't helping anymore. In fact the first one convinced me to end a potential relationship with a girl who i now regret big time because she was amazing and was interested in me. But this therapist felt it was not good since I had to work on myself first. I reluctantly went along with her advice after many arguments about it and ended it with this girl. We had been dating for only a couple months and this was when I was 32 or so. I regret that so much. Why did I listen to this therapist. I know I had a lot of work to do on myself, but that could've been my one chance for love. I could've been married to that girl today or something. Who knows.
I don't have experience with therapy, but is it typical for a therapist to advise a person what they should and should not do? I thought the point was to help a person become more self-aware and correct negative thinking patterns so as to be in a better position to make good choices, not to impose their way of thinking on a person. That sounds out of bounds to me
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Try2again, you are correct in what you stated above. Sometimes people interpret words of therapists differently than as they are spoken or intended, possibly making those match with thoughts that they already have and perhaps are not aware of or willing to admit to themselves. Of course, there are many other explanations. And one of them may be that indeed that a therapist oversteps the bounds. It is far more likely that a life coach, a person with minimal, if any, mental health training would do that, as opposed to a therapist educated and trained for years in mental health therapy and ethics.0
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In fact the first one convinced me to end a potential relationship with a girl who i now regret big time because she was amazing and was interested in me. But this therapist felt it was not good since I had to work on myself first. I reluctantly went along with her advice after many arguments about it and ended it with this girl. We had been dating for only a couple months and this was when I was 32 or so. I regret that so much. Why did I listen to this therapist. I know I had a lot of work to do on myself, but that could've been my one chance for love. I could've been married to that girl today or something. Who knows.
I think the therapist was correct in so much as you working on yourself. I went through something similar when I had a breakdown of sorts and I spent a lot of time just figuring out myself and how to stop doing the self destructive things I was doing that pretty much torpedoed any good relationship I ever had. I can be my own worst enemy and knowing that helps me not spiral when I see it going bad and it still does even though I am in a great relationship with my wife. I think you listened to the therapist because you knew somewhere deep inside they were probably spot on in some respect. That last bold statement you show a lot of regret but think about it instead of pining about it being a mistake, its possible your decision saved you from a world of heartache but you can never know...its a "what if" and the "what ifs" are just path to an anxiety attack or worse. It "is" what happened nothing more nothing less. I feel for you because I've been where you are in some respects stuck in an never ending regret about my past and endless worry about some bleak future. Sometimes you just need to say "*kitten* it" and worry about the here and now.
Our time on this spinning blue sphere in space is finite but I am a true believer that the energy you put out is the energy you get and the one thing that binds everything and everyone is energy. We have a lot more control over what happens to us and we are more powerful than we give ourselves credit for. You are there, you are at the point where change is inevitable otherwise you wouldn't be here discussing this with pretty much complete strangers from all over the world. So ask yourself what do I want to do and who do I want to be from this point on? No other human will complete you but the "complete you" can complement someone else just as they can complement you if that makes sense.7 -
I joined this site way back in 2009 when I was 29 and about to turn 30. I was 452 lbs and desperate to make some changes. I had never had a girlfriend and was really motivated to change that. I always wanted to get married and have a family and that wasn't going to happen with my weight. I joined a gym, hired a personal trainer, and logged on this site every single day. There were ups and downs, but it is nearly 10 years later and I have managed to lose keep off 127 lbs. I worked on everything about myself. I worked hard at my career and am now a senior software engineer. My house is well on its way to being paid off. I have saved and saved and have made great progress to my retirement account balances. Over these past 10 years I traveled all over the US and even spent 2 weeks in Europe. I have done all of this alone.
I worked hard at dating too. People always told me that I needed to work on myself and then work on meeting someone and that is what I did. I have tried everything I could think of. I joined pay dating sites as well as the free ones and have gone on many first dates. I always pay and then am told later on that I am not their type. The most recent girl didn't even bother to tell me that though. I showed up at the restaurant for the second date and got stood up. Not a word from her. It ruined my whole weekend. I felt like such a fool. Why does this keep happening? I was patient. It has been nearly 10 years since I started really working on myself and getting to the point I am at. I am so tired of hearing that I need to just be patient or that it will happen. I have been patient. I am 38 now and still have yet to have a girlfriend. I am a 38 year old virgin. I wanted to get married and have a family and that isn't happening. Yeah I did this for myself and my health, but what is the point of being healthy and living a long life when you have to live it alone? I am so unbelievably frustrated. I've done everything I can think of. I have worked very hard and yet somehow I am still the loser failure who comes home to an empty dark house every night and has to eat alone. Or travel alone. Or go to a movie alone. I am so tired of doing everything alone.
What more do I need to do? I feel so defeated as I am quickly approaching 40 now and still don't know what it is like. It isn't as if I am checking in 10 years later and regretting not getting started. I got started and I worked hard. I worked at so many aspects of myself and my life. I just never saw the end goal. I am still incredibly isolated and lonely. This wasn't supposed to be. I am not sure what to do from here and I feel so panicked about it all. I have no plan B for life. I set myself up to be a provider. I even have a savings account that is designated as an "engagement ring account" for when the day came that I would propose to someone. That account has grown and grown and is much more than needed, but I never thought it would stay invested and never get used. I feel like cashing it in and just giving it all to a children's hospital or something. I will never get to use it for what it was planned. I am just so in disbelief that after nearly ten years of working so hard that I am still alone. I cannot believe it. I don't know what else to do.
Ok so this is what i think: u really dont seem or sound like a creep at all. Everything u have accomplished yet you havent found THE ONE and from ur profile pic u are not ugly or bad looking at all and i dont mean to offend or make this seem like looks matter but im here reading and wondering to myself what is wrong with this man. How can he not have someone by his side with all these accomplishments. i will tell u to not brag too much about what u have moneywise too much and mayb its not ur intent but u just never know people out ther who are gold diggers. I dont think its wrong to want a single woman or someone without kids but dont single it out. Give them a chance and u may very well find love. The way u say about the money set asside for wedding or engagement ring might as well give it to chILDRENS HOSPITAL.. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU! FIRST THAT MAKES U SOUND ENTITLED AND IDK LIKE IT SOUNDS WRONG.. SECONDLY NOT THAT I HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST CHILDRENS HOSPITALS BUT U WORKED SO HARD FOR UR MONEY TO JUST GIVE IT AWAY.. YES CHARITIES ARE ALWAYS GOOD CAUSES BUT I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY U WUD GIVE UP. TALKING ABOUT MONEY ON UR POST JUST MADE U SEEM ARROGANT MAYB. IDK. MAYB UR NOT BUT I WONDER WHY U HAVENT FOUND ANYONE. IM A FIRM BELEIVER THAT THER IS SOMEONE OUT THER FOR EVERYONE BUT PATIENCE IS THE ANSWER. REMEMBER TO ALWAYS B RESPECTFUL ALSO. UR A GROWN MAN AND I KNOW U KNOW THIS ALREADY. HOPE U FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE . EVERYONE DESERVES TO FIND LOVE. ITS A BEAUTIFUL THING.7 -
LeanButNotMean44 wrote: »You have a house, a lake cabin, and enough money saved up for an engagement ring but therapy is too expensive?
I don't have a lake house. That is my lifelong dream to have a lake house. It is something I save for when I can. Shelling out thousands for a therapist would certainly detract from reaching the lake house goal though. I would love to do it sooner rather than later so my parents can enjoy it while they are still here and my 5 nieces and nephews could have a fun place to grow up going to.
And on the topic of money... I don't flaunt money or try to impress anyone with it including dates. This message board is a different, and I mentioned it because it explained better my frustration in all the hard work I have put into my life and feeling so alone still. I am not boastful. It bothers me that it came across that way.
7 -
In fact the first one convinced me to end a potential relationship with a girl who i now regret big time because she was amazing and was interested in me. But this therapist felt it was not good since I had to work on myself first. I reluctantly went along with her advice after many arguments about it and ended it with this girl. We had been dating for only a couple months and this was when I was 32 or so. I regret that so much. Why did I listen to this therapist. I know I had a lot of work to do on myself, but that could've been my one chance for love. I could've been married to that girl today or something. Who knows.
I think the therapist was correct in so much as you working on yourself. I went through something similar when I had a breakdown of sorts and I spent a lot of time just figuring out myself and how to stop doing the self destructive things I was doing that pretty much torpedoed any good relationship I ever had. I can be my own worst enemy and knowing that helps me not spiral when I see it going bad and it still does even though I am in a great relationship with my wife. I think you listened to the therapist because you knew somewhere deep inside they were probably spot on in some respect. That last bold statement you show a lot of regret but think about it instead of pining about it being a mistake, its possible your decision saved you from a world of heartache but you can never know...its a "what if" and the "what ifs" are just path to an anxiety attack or worse. It "is" what happened nothing more nothing less. I feel for you because I've been where you are in some respects stuck in an never ending regret about my past and endless worry about some bleak future. Sometimes you just need to say "*kitten* it" and worry about the here and now.
Our time on this spinning blue sphere in space is finite but I am a true believer that the energy you put out is the energy you get and the one thing that binds everything and everyone is energy. We have a lot more control over what happens to us and we are more powerful than we give ourselves credit for. You are there, you are at the point where change is inevitable otherwise you wouldn't be here discussing this with pretty much complete strangers from all over the world. So ask yourself what do I want to do and who do I want to be from this point on? No other human will complete you but the "complete you" can complement someone else just as they can complement you if that makes sense.
Thank you for your insight. It is nice to know that someone was in my position and worked through it. I appreciate the replies and advice.
I appreciate everyone's advice and well wishes. Thank you.
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This is great advice for anyone really. Definitely took some things away from this.
I hope things work out for you OP.2 -
LeanButNotMean44 wrote: »You have a house, a lake cabin, and enough money saved up for an engagement ring but therapy is too expensive?
I don't have a lake house. That is my lifelong dream to have a lake house. It is something I save for when I can. Shelling out thousands for a therapist would certainly detract from reaching the lake house goal though. I would love to do it sooner rather than later so my parents can enjoy it while they are still here and my 5 nieces and nephews could have a fun place to grow up going to.
And on the topic of money... I don't flaunt money or try to impress anyone with it including dates. This message board is a different, and I mentioned it because it explained better my frustration in all the hard work I have put into my life and feeling so alone still. I am not boastful. It bothers me that it came across that way.
Your mental health is more important than any of those things, no?5 -
I'm not being narrow minded. I just wanted something special. Some girls dream about their wedding day all their life. Well, some guys daydream about that too. I am one of them. I wanted to experience it all together with someone for the first time, not be their second or third choice. It's like when you have a new coworker who is hired. All they talk about is well at my last job this or at my last job that. I don't want to be with someone who just compares me to their last husband. Or while planning the wedding it's like they have been there and done that. It would be all new and exciting to me but not so much for them. I think it loses that something special if it isn't the first time. I want to experience those firsts together. Instead I am the inexperienced one who missed out on it all and now have to settle for someone who has seen and done it all already so it isn't as special anymore.And it is not just the wedding, but married life too. I would feel like I am being compared to previous husbands. It's not what I want. And since it isn't what is available to me I guess, then I have a long road of loneliness and disappointment ahead. I have no idea what I will do with my life. Everything I have done was with the goal of being married someday in mind. I don't know. It's all very depressing these days. I missed out because I was so overweight back in my 20s when everyone was meeting someone and experiencing those firsts. I tried. I asked out girls in college. I was just always rejected. It's not like I have myself to blame for not trying or putting myself out there. I have myself to blame for being fat. Guys aren't wanted when they are fat like I was. My underlying issues of depressing and loneliness led me to that. It's still my fault. I wish I would've not been so afraid and found an outlet in the college gym or joined the weightlifting club or something like that, but I didn't do that. I was on my own and very intimidated. I am different now, but it seems I am too late. I either have to settle and not really get what I was looking for, or I have to be alone. I hate it. I hate that that outlook so much.
Why do you assume it wouldn't be special just because she has a past? I'm in a very happy relationship at the moment, and I'll tell you one thing: everything we do together is very, very special. Even though I've done it with my ex too, it doesn't matter - this time is completely different because I'm with the right person. Once you meet your soulmate, it's like you can see something that was black and white before in colour. It's like you're doing everything for the first time. Seriously, the past doesn't matter. Focus on the future instead and give them a chance.
Imagine a woman who's been married before and her husband passed away. Does she not deserve to be happy ever again for the rest of her life? Does it mean she's ''damaged goods'' and worse than women who haven't been married? What if she was the woman of your dreams, are you gonna reject her because she's got past? Just think about it.10 -
I don't have a lake house. That is my lifelong dream to have a lake house. It is something I save for when I can. Shelling out thousands for a therapist would certainly detract from reaching the lake house goal though. I would love to do it sooner rather than later so my parents can enjoy it while they are still here and my 5 nieces and nephews could have a fun place to grow up going to.
And on the topic of money... I don't flaunt money or try to impress anyone with it including dates. This message board is a different, and I mentioned it because it explained better my frustration in all the hard work I have put into my life and feeling so alone still. I am not boastful. It bothers me that it came across that way.
[/quote]LeanButNotMean44 wrote: »You have a house, a lake cabin, and enough money saved up for an engagement ring but therapy is too expensive?
I don't have a lake house. That is my lifelong dream to have a lake house. It is something I save for when I can. Shelling out thousands for a therapist would certainly detract from reaching the lake house goal though. I would love to do it sooner rather than later so my parents can enjoy it while they are still here and my 5 nieces and nephews could have a fun place to grow up going to.
And on the topic of money... I don't flaunt money or try to impress anyone with it including dates. This message board is a different, and I mentioned it because it explained better my frustration in all the hard work I have put into my life and feeling so alone still. I am not boastful. It bothers me that it came across that way.
It didn’t come across as boastful to me at all. You were simply explaining your stability in life. I guess I just don’t understand having money earmarked for something material (engagement ring) when your mental health should be of the utmost importance.
I’ll add that your reasons for wanting to own a lake house are very sweet!3 -
_aenyeweddien_ wrote: »
Imagine a woman who's been married before and her husband passed away. Does she not deserve to be happy ever again for the rest of her life? Does it mean she's ''damaged goods'' and worse than women who haven't been married? What if she was the woman of your dreams, are you gonna reject her because she's got past? Just think about it.
i guess i don't. I shall be a lonely widow for the rest of my life
and just because a person hasn't been married or haven't a long term relationship or no kids, doesn't mean a person doesn't have baggage. and frankly, the op sounds like he has a lot of baggage.
and the attitude toward counselling is off-putting because from his posts i think he could use it but would he look down at those that are in counselling. that we put money there instead of toward some physical item like a house or ring or 401k. i would rather be happy than have those things and feel empty and incomplete.
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