My story

Okay so as a teenager i was always insecure about my body and I was never ever comfortable in my own skin. Because people would always tell me that I’m too short and If I gain more weight I’m just gonna look like a barrel and many other hurtful things. It actually hurts me that I believed all of these things even though they were not even true. But I was young, and I had no one to tell me not to believe them. (Honestly I would give anything to have that body again)so from that moment on I would look in the mirror and absolutely despise the reflection. I hated myself and honestly up until now I still struggle with finding something to love about myself. Anyway,as time went by and I got my period, my hormones started acting up and it just wouldn’t be regular.I was still 12 at the time so it wasn’t anything scary. It was ‘normal’ But it actually isn’t. I was eating a normal amount of food for a growing teenager. But i would just keep gaining weight. And as I uncontrollably gained weight, I hated myself more. And you know what you don’t wanna do when you hate yourself? Try to lose weight. My body was not Cooperating with me and I would only gain more weight. I don’t know to what weight I exactly got because I was always afraid to go on the scale. But what I know is that my clothes didn’t fit me and I struggled to get new one’s and whenever I went shopping I would have a mental Breakdown in the changing rooms because my clothes sizes just kept getting bigger. Like I remember being 50kgs (110 lbs which is basically my goal weight now) and going to a dietician to help me lose weight. WHO TF WAS MESSING UP WITH MY MIND BACK THEN I WASN’T EVEN FAT!!! Imagine having to go through this ever since you were 12. I’ve struggled with this for 7 years now and I’m still not over it. Looking back at old versions of me just makes me wanna cry because that little girl certainly was not fat. But I just could never see her for the way she Really was and I regret that so badly. But now I am, and I just kept watching myself getting bigger. I mean I’m not obese or anything and some of you would be like “134 lbs is not even fat” but to me that is. I hate how I got big arms ,I hate how I got hips,I hate how my stomach Isn’t flat. I hate every single thing about my body. So moving on till late last year. I had some health issues and I needed to go to the doctor’s to get a couple tests done. So I did, and after I was done this nurse was like “we haven’t tracked down your weight and height in Ages, so I want you to go on the scale.” So i was like “ no I’m not” and she was like “I’ll make your mom and siblings leave, you have to do it” so I was like okay. I had to face my fear at some point and I did. My weight wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but it is bad Enough for me to hate it. I turned out to be 143 lbs. It was actually a life changing moment for me because it made me realize that my body is actually not as disgusting as I imagined. So I accepted it, and tried to work on getting the body I want. And I succeded.I lost 22lbs in 3 months. Eating healthier, and I wan’t even working out.I was so happy and proud of myself.I loved myself so much. But that did not last.I slowly started gaining weight back again because of my hormones and my irregular period, and since march I’ve gained 13lbs That’s like more than half the amount I lost. You can’t imagine how weak I feel that I let all my effort go to waste. But I couldn’t do anything about it. Gaining weight for me is not because I’d be eating more than I was supposed to. It’s just me waking up weighing myself and Finding out that I’ve gained weight. So that happiness and confidence I got from losing weight only lasted from nov/2017-march/2018.It all then just faded away. So now I got 24 lbs to lose.And I’ve accepted the fact that my body is messed my hormones are messed up but I can get To my goal and I can fight back. I’m trying to lose weight the healthy way and I’m working out. If I hadn’t gained the weight back my job would be a lot easier because I can easily maintain my weight with the amount of food I eat. I just hope this nightmare ends soon and that I find peace and happiness again. And to anyone who’s going through that or something similar, you GOT THIS. And to all the young girls out there, don’t listen to people’s *kitten*, even if they were your family. It will ruin you.Please do yourself a favor, and love yourself the way You are. You’re all beautiful and perfect.