Scared and losing motivation

I’ve always been overweight. And I blamed everything on my weight as I was growing up as did my parents. Whenever I failed at something my parents always said it was because I was fat. They‘d say nobody will love me, nobody will hire me in the future and that I‘ll end up miserable, lonely and fat in some sh*tty apartment regretting my life decisions. As you can see hearing these things over and over again I came to believe I was worthless and that I couldn’t make anything of myself because I was fat.

Starting at the age of 8, I was taken to countless nutritionists, doctors, psychologists and even hypnotists. Nothing ever worked because my child-self never really understood what was going on.

Years went by as I grew larger and my weight became a depressing safety net (as ironic as that sounds). It became something I could blame things on without taking responsibility. I grew larger and larger and never really wanted to do anything to fix it because I believed I was just too fat to do anything. With that mindset I got stuck in an evil loop and became depressed. All the things I heard growing up started weighing heavy on my chest. My relationships suffered. My friendships suffered. All because I believed I was too fat.

And one day I finally decided to do something about it. I remember the day very clearly. I had moved away by then, to a different country, as far away as possible from my parents and had been living alone for about 2 years. I woke up one cold March morning, sick of myself, sick of this saggy, fat, disgusting thing called my body. I decided to get on the scales just because I was curious of how much I had *kitten* up since that last time I weighed myself. The scales I had could only weigh up to 150kgs. I saw the numbers 153,... Before I could read what came after the comma, the scales went off. For a min or two I just stood there on the scales, to let that sink in. I was so fat that I had just broken something. This is my rock bottom I said to myself. This is a wake up call.

After that day I started making serious changes in my life. I did lots of research and decided a ketogenic lifestyle to be the best fit for me. For a morbidly obese sugar addict I think that decision took balls. With the support of a friend with whom I had coincidentally ‚just’ became friends at the time, I started my journey. I have to admit it hasn’t been easy nor am I at the end of my journey. There’s been lots of ups and downs. Lots of heartbreak and trauma (passing away of 2 family members very recently).

It’s been 2 years since I made the decision of changing my life for the better. I‘ve lost 40kgs(I’m slow, I know). While enjoying the confidence that came with the weight loss, I‘ve started to realise how my weight had been hiding lots of other issues. Now that my safety net is disappearing, I‘m feeling more and more vulnerable than ever as I can’t blame things on my weight anymore. Lately I find myself more depressed and scared of what might come to light if I keep scratching the surface. I‘m scared that I won’t like the person I become at the end of this weight loss journey and that I might run into problems I actually can’t do anything about.

I wanted to ask you if anybody has had a similar experience. I’m really struggling

Thank you for bearing with me