being involved with a married person
SkateboardFi
Posts: 1,322 Member
so i have a coworker, who has been recently divorced from her husband and he remarried very soon afterwards. they have 3 children together and a whole lot of baggage. she is very conflicted with this situation because he doesn't 'love' his new wife and has been coming over to her house and still being romantically involved with her. mind you, he still is legally married to his wife, has been living with my coworker for the past month, but lying to his wife saying that he's staying with family although he told her he wants a divorce. mind you, my coworker works her a** off and gets no financial support from him for her kids, and although he lives with her, he doesn't help with dinner, homework etc. am i completely out of line for telling her that although they were married for 10 years, she's still a mistress? that he's playing games with her, and because she's dumb enough to stay in this triangle, he will not divorce his wife for her because she's giving him all that she can give him now without any formal committment. my coworker gets mad when his wife blows up his phone with 17+ calls a day, saying 'she's crazy, he told her he didn't want to be with her anymore' and i have to politely remind her that 1. legally, that is his wife. he's being a piece of **** and cheating on her, so there's no telling what kind of hell this woman is going through and 2. if he's going through the trouble of lying to her about where he's living, chances are he isn't going to leave her. because if he planned on leaving her, he would have just told her he was with his ex wife for the past month. any opinions? because i feel like a jerk when i say things like this, especially when other coworkers are enabling her by saying 'yeah girl that wife of his is crazy' not realizing the operative word: WIFE.
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What's it to you?0
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I like good gossip much like the next gal, but do not get involvedWhat's it to you?0 -
Is she hot?0
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what's it to me is that i have to hear about it daily because i work with this person for 8 hours and she confides in me. in addition she'll be crying and ask my advice and i feel it's my obligation to be honest with her because i feel everyone else is just telling her what she wants to hear. i don't push my opinion on anyone else and don't give it if it's not asked for. but if you ask me, i will be brutally honest. just wanted to know the opinions of the people on here, to see if anyone else has had to deal with something similar, or if i'm wrong and should be like everyone else?0
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Is she hot?
no homo. lol j/k but she's a beautiful person inside and out and i hate to see her hurting especially when i view this brand of drama/pain as optional0 -
what's it to me is that i have to hear about it daily because i work with this person for 8 hours and she confides in me. in addition she'll be crying and ask my advice and i feel it's my obligation to be honest with her because i feel everyone else is just telling her what she wants to hear. i don't push my opinion on anyone else and don't give it if it's not asked for. but if you ask me, i will be brutally honest. just wanted to know the opinions of the people on here, to see if anyone else has had to deal with something similar, or if i'm wrong and should be like everyone else?
Tell her you don't agree with it and unfortunately, you only want to hear about the topic again unless she's done something about it.
Orrrrr he's knocked up both of them. Because then that's just freakin' dumb and a good show to watch.0 -
Just tell her that you don't want to get involved in it.... he's married, end of story.0
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I must have been incredibly sheltered my whole life because until I was an adult, I didn't know there were people in the world who are actually that crazy.
To any men who are reading this and happen to have daughters, please, please, PLEASE make it your priority in life to teach them what real men are so that they don't grow up and find themselves wondering when the man they think they're in love with is going to leave his wife.0 -
Some people just don't want to be helped no matter how mad it makes you feel. You did you job as a friend and brought your points to her attention but unfortunately she chooses not to listen. Chances are she's probably still in love with her ex-husband.0
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I must have been incredibly sheltered my whole life because until I was an adult, I didn't know there were people in the world who are actually that crazy.
To any men who are reading this and happen to have daughters, please, please, PLEASE make it your priority in life to teach them what real men are so that they don't grow up and find themselves wondering when the man they think they're in love with is going to leave his wife.
YES! it just kills me because she has a daughter, and i really hate to think that this little girl is growing up thinking this behavior is acceptable and that this is what 'family' is.0 -
Some people just don't want to be helped no matter how mad it makes you feel. You did you job as a friend and brought your points to her attention but unfortunately she chooses not to listen. Chances are she's probably still in love with her ex-husband.
most definitely! you know how us women can be, married or not, when we love someone you'd have to use the jaws of life to get us to leave that person alone. i just figured i'd let her know how i felt. ironically she agreed with everything i said and told me she has told him similar things, but yet and still she welcomes him in her home and into her body and heart. i just don't get it0 -
Stay out of it. Tell her you don't want to hear it anymore. Any advice you give her will fall on deaf ears.0
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smack her upside the head, tell her to wake up,
then educate her on how easy it is to castrate the husband. Big knife and some chicken gizzards on the kitchen counter for practice....
I hate stupid women. She better not be putting out!
I hate married men who are players. Confuses the kids and makes things get ugly.0 -
I always try not to let people (especially people I work with) suck me into their drama. There are a TON of people out there for which this is their only goal in life. Sounds like your coworker is one of them. You shouldn't even know half these things about her.
From what you said and what I know I'd say this woman is in no way looking for answers to her situation. She doesn't really want to fix things. She just wants everyone to focus on her crazy life. You can tell her, "He's a jerk who isn't treating you fairly. You really should leave him and find someone better." But she won't listen to a word of it. She'll just be back in tomorrow telling more stories about how awful he is but how she loves him so. Some people like to torture themselves.
So my strongest advice would be to not let this woman in to your life in a big way. She'll only drag you into her mess.0 -
smack her upside the head, tell her to wake up,
then educate her on how easy it is to castrate the husband. Big knife and some chicken gizzards on the kitchen counter for practice....
I hate stupid women. She better not be putting out!
I hate married men who are players. Confuses the kids and makes things get ugly.
i just want to SHAKE her at times, like WAKE UP WOMAN! and yes she's physically involved with him and then he has the nerve to expect her to stay 'faithful' to him. i'm just sooooo FLOORED by it all. ugh!0 -
You need to stay as far out of that situation as possible. It's completely messed up. Since you've already given her your opinion, and she doesn't like it, there's no benefit to either of you to continue discussing it. I say the next time she brings it up, tell her just that.0
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This just reinforces my hatred for people. And my joy of being single.0
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I must have been incredibly sheltered my whole life because until I was an adult, I didn't know there were people in the world who are actually that crazy.
To any men who are reading this and happen to have daughters, please, please, PLEASE make it your priority in life to teach them what real men are so that they don't grow up and find themselves wondering when the man they think they're in love with is going to leave his wife.
I second this!!!!0 -
You need to stay as far out of that situation as possible. It's completely messed up. Since you've already given her your opinion, and she doesn't like it, there's no benefit to either of you to continue discussing it. I say the next time she brings it up, tell her just that.
i completely agree, i'm just going to wipe my hands clean of it, if she's not worried about it, why should i? i just wanted to make sure i didn't come off as a jerk, but maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing if i did, this situation is beyond messed up!
This just reinforces my hatred for people. And my joy of being single.
yeah, i'm in a relationship right now but i'm in NO way in a rush to get married. i think most people jump into it without knowing what they want out of it or who they REALLY married and that's when you end up with situations like THIS lmao i'm good on that.0 -
Obviously she wants some sort of attention-she isn't listening to u-don't waste ur breathe anymore-tell her u are there for her as a friend and support and that is as far as u go. Tell her matter of fact u don't want to hear anymore stories about it.0
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Some people just don't want to be helped no matter how mad it makes you feel. You did you job as a friend and brought your points to her attention but unfortunately she chooses not to listen. Chances are she's probably still in love with her ex-husband.
most definitely! you know how us women can be, married or not, when we love someone you'd have to use the jaws of life to get us to leave that person alone. i just figured i'd let her know how i felt. ironically she agreed with everything i said and told me she has told him similar things, but yet and still she welcomes him in her home and into her body and heart. i just don't get it
I can relate a little to your friend although not with an ex or anything that disfunctional but I seem to continue a vicious cycle with someone that obviously does not care about me the same way as I do him even though he always says the right things to reel me back in and I'm naive enough to believe it. I get lectured from a friend of mine because I cry and and am frustrated. I know that the advice she gives is 100% right and I need to follow it. But I am the only one that can make the change and same goes for your co-worker/friend. Be there for her and continue to give her the advice that she someday will realize is right and if she follows it will make her soooo much happier!0 -
Dito~
I like good gossip much like the next gal, but do not get involvedWhat's it to you?0 -
If she is also a close friend of yours and you think it is bothering her than ask her if she wants to get together (outside of work) and talk about it. Don't tell her she's a mistress though becuase I'm not so sure she is. Especially if her husband isn't staying with his "wife." Also, remember how she must feel about her 3 kids not having thier mom and dad together and how much she probably wants to give them that. Don't judge her for her decisions, instead think about how you would feel in her shoes and somethings are hard to understand when you haven't been through the same situation...0
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I agree...dont ask me for my opinion if you dont want the truth! I wont liewhat's it to me is that i have to hear about it daily because i work with this person for 8 hours and she confides in me. in addition she'll be crying and ask my advice and i feel it's my obligation to be honest with her because i feel everyone else is just telling her what she wants to hear. i don't push my opinion on anyone else and don't give it if it's not asked for. but if you ask me, i will be brutally honest. just wanted to know the opinions of the people on here, to see if anyone else has had to deal with something similar, or if i'm wrong and should be like everyone else?0 -
One thing I've learned is that people don't want advice if they didn't ask for it. So I wouldn't tell her what you think unless she asks.
Personally I don't agree with those situations so I'd just nicely tell her I didn't want to be involved or hear about it anymore.0 -
One thing I've learned is that people don't want advice if they didn't ask for it. So I wouldn't tell her what you think unless she asks.
Personally I don't agree with those situations so I'd just nicely tell her I didn't want to be involved or hear about it anymore.
in my first post i said the same thing, that i don't give my opinion unless it is asked of me because i can be brutally honest.
Don't tell her she's a mistress though becuase I'm not so sure she is. Especially if her husband isn't staying with his "wife." Also, remember how she must feel about her 3 kids not having thier mom and dad together and how much she probably wants to give them that. Don't judge her for her decisions, instead think about how you would feel in her shoes and somethings are hard to understand when you haven't been through the same situation...
and i'm not judging her, but a woman, who is not a married man's wife, but is sleeping with said man...is a mistress..no? i mean it might not be a politically correct thing to say, but to say she's justified is delusional. she asked what i thought and i told her. it's a poor example for the kids if she's got their married father around with his wife blowing up his cell phone and driving pass her house to see if he's there. but i'm glad you stated your opinion because that's why i posted this. i really don't want to come off like a jerk, but i've never been known to sugarcoat anything if my input is asked of me, and i'm glad you brought a different perspective. thank you
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I must have been incredibly sheltered my whole life because until I was an adult, I didn't know there were people in the world who are actually that crazy.
To any men who are reading this and happen to have daughters, please, please, PLEASE make it your priority in life to teach them what real men are so that they don't grow up and find themselves wondering when the man they think they're in love with is going to leave his wife.
YES! it just kills me because she has a daughter, and i really hate to think that this little girl is growing up thinking this behavior is acceptable and that this is what 'family' is.
I totally agree with this last statement and it is NOT ok. Unfortunately, there is little you can do about it. I was in a similar situation, except my ex wasn't remairred but still coming over to be intimate, not helping out at ALL, mentally and physically abusive... It sounds like she has the mindset I once had. No matter how many times people told me he would not change, or he would not be there for me 100% I still looked for the good in him and refused to believe what they were saying. I knew deep down he would probably be a mooch and a jerk forever but the other 50% of the time he was very sweet, romantic. Two-face.
It will just take time for her to learn. For me it took 5 years.0 -
and i understand what others are saying about providing the children with both parents but if this guy isn't even helping them with homework, dinner, financially, and doesn't make it home til after they're in the bed, what justification is left really?0
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let me get this straight:
she is his ex, and they have 3 kids together,
her ex is remarried, yet goes to her for playtime.
sicko. bad situation. Tell her to get a counsler or call an 800 no. for venting. You are at work. If it starts making you crazy tell her she's making you crazy. Sometimes you have to tell the crazies to back off, then get a restraining order if they don't. You already know my pov, but that's how life is now a days.
Too many crazy people want to make you crazy just to make them feel better. That's called abuse. Don't let her abuse you!0 -
let me get this straight:
she is his ex, and they have 3 kids together,
her ex is remarried, yet goes to her for playtime.
sicko. bad situation. Tell her to get a counsler or call an 800 no. for venting. You are at work. If it starts making you crazy tell her she's making you crazy. Sometimes you have to tell the crazies to back off, then get a restraining order if they don't. You already know my pov, but that's how life is now a days.
Too many crazy people want to make you crazy just to make them feel better. That's called abuse. Don't let her abuse you!
yes. that's pretty much the situation. what makes it worse for ME is that while he's at her house, it's after the kids are sleep. so it's not like he's helping with dinner. or helping with homework. or spending ANY time with them at all. it's not driving me crazy, and i think she realizes that i'm not going to be like everyone else and call his new wife 'crazy' when she's just checking on her husband. i'm getting to the point where i don't care anymore. i just think it's sad because she's in her 30s and i feel she's too grown to be so dumb behind a man..0
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