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What can you live without in a relationship?
Replies
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4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »MistressSara wrote: »
Interesting. What are some things I haven’t listed that are important to you?MistressSara wrote: »Trust, kindness, respect, dependability, sexual compatibility- clearly a relationship should have all these things.
And while a relationship can survive while missing one or more of these pieces, can it do so happily?
What if your relationship had all but one of these characteristics? What could you live without? Is wanting it all greedy? Or is settling for less...settling?
In short, can anything replace the zsa zsa zsu?
For me, if it was missing any of those things I would not want to remain in the relationship. If I had to list which I felt was lowest on the ranking of the things you listed... I would probably say dependability. I rarely depend on anyone, so for me that is the least important of the list. But if she was seriously non dependable, it would not last.
Compatibility in other areas such as spirituality (does not necessarily mean that we both have to believe the same things, but our beliefs should not be diametrically opposed or even extremely far apart), social compatibility (it would be nice if we both liked to go out or stay in on a similar frequency), and even diet compatibility to an extent. I've had a partner criticize many of my diet choices and it got old really quickly. Eat whatever you want to eat, but let me do the same without criticism please. Especially if I'm healthier than you are.
And just to weigh in on the topic of sexual compatibility, as it's become the recent focus of the comments here. I was in a marriage where we very rarely had sex, and also very rarely had any type of physical intimacy. She was perfectly happy with that, and I was miserable. So in my experience, one's need for that type of intimacy should match his or her partner's need for it. Whatever that means to each person. I need more physical touch than my ex does. We became incompatible. This is not the only reason we split up, by any means. But it was a big factor in our happiness declining.
I think that's the case for most big things. If you have similar needs/expectations for what a relationship will and won't be/give, then it's much more likely to thrive.
This reminds me of the "love language" theory. It's something I have been noticing in my own marriage lately. I think it can be overcome, to an extent, if you give in a way the other person receives, instead of how you would want (and vice verse). Not saying complete incompatibility could be overcome, but with some attention, communication and cooperation between partners who maybe aren't perfectly compatible maybe it can?
I think the theory works. In reality, I'm not optimistic enough about people to think it would be a common occurrence. Can it happen? Absolutely. Does it happen? Most likely. Would I count on it? Nope.0 -
MistressSara wrote: »4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »MistressSara wrote: »
Interesting. What are some things I haven’t listed that are important to you?MistressSara wrote: »Trust, kindness, respect, dependability, sexual compatibility- clearly a relationship should have all these things.
And while a relationship can survive while missing one or more of these pieces, can it do so happily?
What if your relationship had all but one of these characteristics? What could you live without? Is wanting it all greedy? Or is settling for less...settling?
In short, can anything replace the zsa zsa zsu?
For me, if it was missing any of those things I would not want to remain in the relationship. If I had to list which I felt was lowest on the ranking of the things you listed... I would probably say dependability. I rarely depend on anyone, so for me that is the least important of the list. But if she was seriously non dependable, it would not last.
Compatibility in other areas such as spirituality (does not necessarily mean that we both have to believe the same things, but our beliefs should not be diametrically opposed or even extremely far apart), social compatibility (it would be nice if we both liked to go out or stay in on a similar frequency), and even diet compatibility to an extent. I've had a partner criticize many of my diet choices and it got old really quickly. Eat whatever you want to eat, but let me do the same without criticism please. Especially if I'm healthier than you are.
And just to weigh in on the topic of sexual compatibility, as it's become the recent focus of the comments here. I was in a marriage where we very rarely had sex, and also very rarely had any type of physical intimacy. She was perfectly happy with that, and I was miserable. So in my experience, one's need for that type of intimacy should match his or her partner's need for it. Whatever that means to each person. I need more physical touch than my ex does. We became incompatible. This is not the only reason we split up, by any means. But it was a big factor in our happiness declining.
I think that's the case for most big things. If you have similar needs/expectations for what a relationship will and won't be/give, then it's much more likely to thrive.
This reminds me of the "love language" theory. It's something I have been noticing in my own marriage lately. I think it can be overcome, to an extent, if you give in a way the other person receives, instead of how you would want (and vice verse). Not saying complete incompatibility could be overcome, but with some attention, communication and cooperation between partners who maybe aren't perfectly compatible maybe it can?
IMO you have to be really already invested (in a marriage obviously you are) to make love languages worth the effort. In a just getting to know you scenario, I think it’s better to be on the same page as much as possible. Speaking from my own personal baggage
I agree with that. I definitely don't think forcing a relationship is a good idea. I am coming more from a how do you prevent it from fading place.1 -
DawnOfTheDead_Lift wrote: »I've been thinking this one over and its a tricky one. The thing that immediately came to mind was shared interests and quality time.
My job used to be high stress and lots of customer interaction all I wanted was "me" time. Now I crave a lot more social interaction and with mismatched schedules and juggling child care, household duties, fitness, etc. I find myself alone much more and craving connection.
I think we tend to overvvalue the things we have found to be lacking in our previous relationships and take for granted those that have not.
Hhhmmm, I think you are on to something here.1 -
MistressSara wrote: »Trust, kindness, respect, dependability, sexual compatibility- clearly a relationship should have all these things.
And while a relationship can survive while missing one or more of these pieces, can it do so happily?
What if your relationship had all but one of these characteristics? What could you live without? Is wanting it all greedy? Or is settling for less...settling?
In short, can anything replace the zsa zsa zsu?
I don't think I could have a close relationship with someone I did not trust or respect or was unkind to or if they did not trust, respect or treat me kindly. I might be some level of friends with them but not close.
I'm not sure what is meant by dependability. Is it emotional support, financial contribution the household, or someone doing what they are supposed to do to keep a household functioning like regular chores? I think this is more variable. Someone might be very depedable in terms of emotional support but not do as much around the house or have a good paying job. I don't think someone who is completely undependable is good for a happy relationship.
I think sex could break up a relationship. It has been the biggest ongoing conflict in my own almost 19 year marriage. We have come to a happy medium. I don't think that is settling but negotiating a mutually satisfactory level/type of activity. If suddenly we totally matched I suppose that would be great. Having some differences in this area has not kept us from having a happy marriage though.1 -
I think at one point or another in any relationship you will have to do without all of these things
No one is perfect, we're all human beings and since no one is perfect, finding the perfect match is also a myth
You're never going to find that person that makes you happy all the time for the rest of your life... It just doesn't exist, things of fantasy
Happiness is the weather
Life is a struggle, it's just nature... The only way to lesson the struggle is to either become stronger or practice acceptance9 -
Mr_Healthy_Habits wrote: »No one is perfect, we're all human beings and since no one is perfect, finding the perfect match is also a myth
I think this is one of the biggest problems. Some people expect perfection and so are always looking for someone better. Perfection doesnt exist.
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MistressSara wrote: »
Interesting. What are some things I haven’t listed that are important to you?MistressSara wrote: »Trust, kindness, respect, dependability, sexual compatibility- clearly a relationship should have all these things.
And while a relationship can survive while missing one or more of these pieces, can it do so happily?
What if your relationship had all but one of these characteristics? What could you live without? Is wanting it all greedy? Or is settling for less...settling?
In short, can anything replace the zsa zsa zsu?
For me, if it was missing any of those things I would not want to remain in the relationship. If I had to list which I felt was lowest on the ranking of the things you listed... I would probably say dependability. I rarely depend on anyone, so for me that is the least important of the list. But if she was seriously non dependable, it would not last.
Compatibility in other areas such as spirituality (does not necessarily mean that we both have to believe the same things, but our beliefs should not be diametrically opposed or even extremely far apart), social compatibility (it would be nice if we both liked to go out or stay in on a similar frequency), and even diet compatibility to an extent. I've had a partner criticize many of my diet choices and it got old really quickly. Eat whatever you want to eat, but let me do the same without criticism please. Especially if I'm healthier than you are.
And just to weigh in on the topic of sexual compatibility, as it's become the recent focus of the comments here. I was in a marriage where we very rarely had sex, and also very rarely had any type of physical intimacy. She was perfectly happy with that, and I was miserable. So in my experience, one's need for that type of intimacy should match his or her partner's need for it. Whatever that means to each person. I need more physical touch than my ex does. We became incompatible. This is not the only reason we split up, by any means. But it was a big factor in our happiness declining.
Exactly! Thank you for so eloquently expressing my feeling and also my very similar situation so well. 👍Hugs!💕2 -
CoffeeAndContour wrote: »Sexual compatibility is the least important factor on the list for me. I couldn’t be in a relationship like this from the get go but I could end up in a relationship like this over time. It isn’t ideal but if all other things were good otherwise, then I wouldn’t pass up love for it. I’ve been in positions before (ie. bed rest while carrying my son), where there was zero sex, my relationship with his father was still happy and fulfilling. What if my SO became paralyzed, am I too leave now? I would never, ever do that. Sex is important, but it isn’t love and it isn’t commitment, and nothing in life is perfect.
I feel like the key thing here is, IF ALL OTHER THINGS WERE GOOD, well said!👍.
If I'm in a great or even mutually respectful relationship and there is love for one another, going without sex would not be an issue. Especially in the case of you're health and safety and that of your baby. Or in the event of an injury etc...I agree. You have a good man. And he has a great lady. Both of you are very lucky!💕
Sometimes the lack of sex is the least of the problems, but can fester in the background and overtake some more pressing problems...ie..repect, honesty etc...3 -
laprimaJenny wrote: »Purhaps I’ll get wooed for this and that’s fine, but sex to me is an important aspect to a healthy relationship. These are my five most important aspects in a relationship ranked in order: respect, consideration, emotional intimacy, communication and fun. While sex is not on that list, it represents every single point because sex is a way to express emotions and feelings. Unless my partner wasn’t able to for reasons beyond his control or vice versa, I don’t understand why I wouldn’t want to connect with him on that level. If I had to choose something least on my list it would be social standing.
Well said...no woos here.2 -
Mr_Healthy_Habits wrote: »I think at one point or another in any relationship you will have to do without all of these things
No one is perfect, we're all human beings and since no one is perfect, finding the perfect match is also a myth
You're never going to find that person that makes you happy all the time for the rest of your life... It just doesn't exist, things of fantasy
Happiness is the weather
Life is a struggle, it's just nature... The only way to lesson the struggle is to either become stronger or practice acceptance
Happiness is the weather, so brutal but so true1 -
mustacheU2Lift wrote: »laprimaJenny wrote: »Purhaps I’ll get wooed for this and that’s fine, but sex to me is an important aspect to a healthy relationship. These are my five most important aspects in a relationship ranked in order: respect, consideration, emotional intimacy, communication and fun. While sex is not on that list, it represents every single point because sex is a way to express emotions and feelings. Unless my partner wasn’t able to for reasons beyond his control or vice versa, I don’t understand why I wouldn’t want to connect with him on that level. If I had to choose something least on my list it would be social standing.
Well said...no woos here.
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MistressSara wrote: »Nicksmom106 wrote: »CoffeeAndContour wrote: »Sexual compatibility is the least important factor on the list for me. I couldn’t be in a relationship like this from the get go but I could end up in a relationship like this over time. It isn’t ideal but if all other things were good otherwise, then I wouldn’t pass up love for it. I’ve been in positions before (ie. bed rest while carrying my son), where there was zero sex, my relationship with his father was still happy and fulfilling. What if my SO became paralyzed, am I too leave now? I would never, ever do that. Sex is important, but it isn’t love and it isn’t commitment, and nothing in life is perfect.
I feel like the key thing here is, IF ALL OTHER THINGS WERE GOOD, well said!👍.
If I'm in a great or even mutually respectful relationship and there is love for one another, going without sex would not be an issue. Especially in the case of you're health and safety and that of your baby. Or in the event of an injury etc...I agree. You have a good man. And he has a great lady. Both of you are very lucky!💕
Sometimes the lack of sex is the least of the problems, but can fester in the background and overtake some more pressing problems...ie..repect, honesty etc...
Yes, and it is sometimes symptomatic of other issues
I'd say thats the issue. Most people can handle a dry spell in the event of medical or other temporary reasons, or adapt as needed. But, true sexlessness and lack of desire for one another long term, thats steming from other issues in the relationship.2 -
I can't live without affection. I am very affectionate and need that reciprocated.4
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I can live without Criticism and sarcasm
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Expectation.2
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I should say though, I could happily live without a relationship all together so I end up kind of an outlier there at times. I never needed someone to complete me, but only get interested in someone who compliments me, and inversely true.2
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Chael2dot0 wrote: »I should say though, I could happily live without a relationship all together so I end up kind of an outlier there at times. I never needed someone to complete me, but only get interested in someone who compliments me, and inversely true.
It's interesting you consider yourself an outlier, I always thought that kind of mindset was the base of the most successful relationships.1 -
4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »Chael2dot0 wrote: »I should say though, I could happily live without a relationship all together so I end up kind of an outlier there at times. I never needed someone to complete me, but only get interested in someone who compliments me, and inversely true.
It's interesting you consider yourself an outlier, I always thought that kind of mindset was the base of the most successful relationships.
Not in my experience.2 -
Chael2dot0 wrote: »4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »Chael2dot0 wrote: »I should say though, I could happily live without a relationship all together so I end up kind of an outlier there at times. I never needed someone to complete me, but only get interested in someone who compliments me, and inversely true.
It's interesting you consider yourself an outlier, I always thought that kind of mindset was the base of the most successful relationships.
Not in my experience.
Sadly there is a whole ethos around finding "the one that completes me because I'm not whole without someone else."3 -
Chael2dot0 wrote: »4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »Chael2dot0 wrote: »I should say though, I could happily live without a relationship all together so I end up kind of an outlier there at times. I never needed someone to complete me, but only get interested in someone who compliments me, and inversely true.
It's interesting you consider yourself an outlier, I always thought that kind of mindset was the base of the most successful relationships.
Not in my experience.
Sadly there is a whole ethos around finding "the one that completes me because I'm not whole without someone else."
Yup.1
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