Trying not to be judgemental - just venting.

RealWorldStrengthLLC
RealWorldStrengthLLC Posts: 552 Member
edited December 2018 in Motivation and Support
I was fit for most of my 20s, stopped caring for about 2 years - been back at it a good 8 months, only have about 25lbs left to lose, I eat for a goal again, I care about my health, I care about my fitness, I lift weights almost religiously. I've struggled with substance abuse/mental health/addiction/alcoholism in the past, I'd like to think I have got a pretty good handle on all that right now.

The problem is, most of my friends and family still fall into one or more of the above categories and I'm finding it a bit rough to watch and not say anything. Watching friends and family struggle with being overweight, alcohol abuse etc...it's getting kind of rough to be around. There's something in me screaming "look at me. I've been through this. I have some decent answers. I want to help" - I never say anything, but I kinda want to. It's a friend who drinks way too much, or an uncle who has a myriad of health problems from drinking and eating crap. A cousin who's got MH and substance abuse issues. A friend who is destroying his relationship with his drinking.

This was something I didn't count on when I made the choice to get back to being fit, care about my health, drink responsibly etc. I thought all of that was normal - just regular life. Now I'm sitting on the other side kind of avoiding being around it. These are all good people who stood by me when I was not in the best place - and yet now that I've made positive changes, I'm finding it hard not to say something.

I'm really not trying to be a judgemental prick, but maybe I am.

Replies

  • kem316
    kem316 Posts: 51 Member
    Its hard to watch for sure, but you have to realize that people are on their own journeys and timelines and there is nothing you can do to change that. THEY have to decide to change their habits and behaviors just like you decided to change. Being on the other side, it is hard not judge for sure. I don't think its wrong to encourage them to make better choices but that's all you can do. I've watched people make terrible choices in their lives and I would put so much energy into helping them, but they didn't want to help themselves. I realized that I can't own their choices and its on them to decide to change. Just let them know you are there to support them but also do whats best for your own mental, emotional, and physical health.
  • lala_shrinks
    lala_shrinks Posts: 10 Member
    edited December 2018
    Good on you, for overcoming such things. It is so hard sometimes to be on the right side of wrong. I totally see where you are coming from. Honestly, I think what you want to say is perfect.

    "look at me. I've been through this. I have some decent answers. I want to help"

    People tend to receive genuine heart felt help better than help that feels controlling and judgmental.

    You never know you might actually be the wake up call one of these people really need.
  • RealWorldStrengthLLC
    RealWorldStrengthLLC Posts: 552 Member
    I guess it's just weird being on the other side...this is probably similar to how my friends/family/ex girlfriends felt when I was in the midst of being an alcoholic and not in a good place mentally.

    I'd love to be the one to inspire others - and I think I have a bit, I have a friend who asked me to teach him to lift, and another one who has been drinking a lot less lately and told me straight up it was because of me.

    But that hasn't been the reaction with everyone. A lot of them are supportive. A few people actually seem colder to me since I started making changes to my drinking habits, cutting weight, eating well etc.
  • elisa123gal
    elisa123gal Posts: 4,324 Member
    You're smart in that you're catching yourself being judgmental. WE all do it.. but acting on it is another thing all together. When a person becomes more disciplined with their food, finances, and life decisions .. it is easy to see when someone else is going wrong in those areas.

    but.. unless it is your underaged child... or someone who has asked. your opinion. I'd keep my thoughts to myself.
  • snowflake954
    snowflake954 Posts: 8,399 Member
    You said many of them had been there for you. Just always be there for them, and make sure they know it. These changes come about on their own time--you can't rush the process. Just be patient and wait. That's all you can do. Yes it's hard, but it is what it is.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    Your family and friends are aware of your changes. They are probably pretty aware of their own issues even if they are not ready to deal with them. If they want help or advice they will ask you. Your way may not be right for them.

    You feel good and want people you care about to feel good. That is normal. We all have to arrive at the moment when we care enough to change though.

    Maybe you can focus on the good things you see these people doing in their lives instead of the negatives.
  • iowalinda
    iowalinda Posts: 357 Member
    Just be there for them if they ask for your help or opinion. They have noticed your changes whether they say anything or not. People will only make changes when they are ready.
  • Billy7613
    Billy7613 Posts: 2 Member
    Just love your friends and family unconditionally like they loved you when you went through your change. Love them for all their flaws and be there when they ask for help.
  • RealWorldStrengthLLC
    RealWorldStrengthLLC Posts: 552 Member
    snowflake954 wrote: »
    You said many of them had been there for you. Just always be there for them, and make sure they know it. These changes come about on their own time--you can't rush the process. Just be patient and wait. That's all you can do. Yes it's hard, but it is what it is.

    They were there for me...kind of. When I was depressed and didn't do much, they just accepted it. When I wanted to drink, a lot of them were right there drinking with me. When I wanted to order 4 pizzas, they'd help me eat them.

    The thing is, I was waiting for someone to say something that whole time. I wanted nothing more than a friend to say "hey, you used to be a huge fitness guy. How about we try to get into that, I know you could teach me some stuff". Or someone to say "you know, I know you've wanted to get your drinking under control for a long time. Lets do a sober month". I was waiting for someone to pull out of it with me. No one did, and I finally realized no one was going to, so I just sucked up and did it on my own.

    I guess the biggest difference is now, I don't want to be around it that much anymore. If my friends are sitting around drinking, I'll hang out for 30 minutes and then leave and go fish by myself, or go hike, or go to the gym, or go on a bike ride, or whatever. And the fact that I'm just going off and doing these things on my own because I don't want to sit around getting drunk and stoned is creating a rift with some of my friends.

    I still care about all of them and do love them unconditionally, I just want to go do things and it's kinda tearing up some of my friendships - they felt stronger when I wanted to get drunk and uber eats BWW.
  • snowflake954
    snowflake954 Posts: 8,399 Member
    youcantflexcardio wrote: »
    snowflake954 wrote: »
    You said many of them had been there for you. Just always be there for them, and make sure they know it. These changes come about on their own time--you can't rush the process. Just be patient and wait. That's all you can do. Yes it's hard, but it is what it is.

    They were there for me...kind of. When I was depressed and didn't do much, they just accepted it. When I wanted to drink, a lot of them were right there drinking with me. When I wanted to order 4 pizzas, they'd help me eat them.

    The thing is, I was waiting for someone to say something that whole time. I wanted nothing more than a friend to say "hey, you used to be a huge fitness guy. How about we try to get into that, I know you could teach me some stuff". Or someone to say "you know, I know you've wanted to get your drinking under control for a long time. Lets do a sober month". I was waiting for someone to pull out of it with me. No one did, and I finally realized no one was going to, so I just sucked up and did it on my own.

    I guess the biggest difference is now, I don't want to be around it that much anymore. If my friends are sitting around drinking, I'll hang out for 30 minutes and then leave and go fish by myself, or go hike, or go to the gym, or go on a bike ride, or whatever. And the fact that I'm just going off and doing these things on my own because I don't want to sit around getting drunk and stoned is creating a rift with some of my friends.

    I still care about all of them and do love them unconditionally, I just want to go do things and it's kinda tearing up some of my friendships - they felt stronger when I wanted to get drunk and uber eats BWW.

    Then I would suggest finding new friends that like to do what you do. Make as many new friendships as you can. I have 3 grown sons. When they were younger and it was time to change schools they wanted to go were their friends were going, even if it wasn't the right choice for them. I told them they'd make new friends at their new schools and still see the old ones too--more friends, all the better.
  • iowalinda
    iowalinda Posts: 357 Member
    youcantflexcardio wrote: »
    I guess the biggest difference is now, I don't want to be around it that much anymore. If my friends are sitting around drinking, I'll hang out for 30 minutes and then leave and go fish by myself, or go hike, or go to the gym, or go on a bike ride, or whatever. And the fact that I'm just going off and doing these things on my own because I don't want to sit around getting drunk and stoned is creating a rift with some of my friends.

    I still care about all of them and do love them unconditionally, I just want to go do things and it's kinda tearing up some of my friendships - they felt stronger when I wanted to get drunk and uber eats BWW.

    I agree with Snowflake's advice to develop some new friendships. There could be some at the gym or other places you go to get exercise :)
  • OddDitty
    OddDitty Posts: 248 Member
    I have a sister who is all about us having to get checked for every problem she has. Last week she insisted I have my kidneys checked because hers showed up having issues. Of course, she has epilepsy and is on medications that strain the kidneys. Us "sibs" just thank her for the advice, realizing that she means well.

    And maybe your family would do the same. I don't know. But one thing I do know is that you obviously care about them or wouldn't be so concerned. It's a difficult situation to be in: to care, but not want to alienate.

    Author John Steinbeck said of advice:

    "You know how advice is. You only want it if it agrees with what you wanted to do anyway."

    So unless they ASK what you're doing and seem at all interested, I would remain quiet. If you're a praying person, pray for them to have someone they'll listen to offer good, solid advice.

    And when/if it happens that someone asks how you've managed to do as well as you are, make sure to broach it in a non-haughty manner. Remember: it's not about how great you are, but how great what you did to get there was.

    Hope this helps.
  • cariwaldick
    cariwaldick Posts: 189 Member
    You're doing everything right. You're trying not to judge, and still be supportive, while distancing yourself from the destructive behaviors. Everyone before me gave you great advice. They're not your problems anymore. Don't burn any bridges, and keep the communication open. Don't be an enabler, but don't be a wet blanket either.

    Ten years ago I lost a lot of weight, while my husband was less than supportive. I hurt myself and couldn't work out and the weight came back on. Then about a year ago he started losing weight. We couldn't be on the same page, since I wasn't ready to try again. I don't know what flipped the switch, but in August I told him I was going to get back in the game.

    Nothing he could say or do could inspire me to take control of my weight and health issues. I knew he meant well, and I was headed for a major health crisis. But the last time I lost weight I had to change my whole life, and it was hard!

    This time around we're doing it together. It's much easier now that I'm counting calories, rather than working out like a fiend. If your friends or family are receptive, you might guide them to change one easy thing. Encourage them to drink water instead of soft drinks, show them MFP and explain how it works, get them to walk with you rather than drive. Baby steps might work rather than a full on assault. Show them some easy steps to better fitness.

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