What holds people back from noticing/ complimenting?
withchaco
Posts: 1,026 Member
Aside from jealousy/ their own insecurity, that is.
I've come from XXL to M, and the only people who have said anything are the ones who already know I've changed my lifestyle around. Everyone else either hasn't noticed, or... something's keeping them from commenting on it. They're still just as friendly though, so I don't think they're being insecure... Or maybe I just need to lose more :laugh:
I know I've gotten significantly thinner. I know I look much better. I just want to know why sometimes people don't notice/ say anything. Not just to me, but in general.
I've come from XXL to M, and the only people who have said anything are the ones who already know I've changed my lifestyle around. Everyone else either hasn't noticed, or... something's keeping them from commenting on it. They're still just as friendly though, so I don't think they're being insecure... Or maybe I just need to lose more :laugh:
I know I've gotten significantly thinner. I know I look much better. I just want to know why sometimes people don't notice/ say anything. Not just to me, but in general.
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Replies
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In today's society of being politically correct, they are probably afraid to offend you by saying anything. That would imply they noticed you were overweight before0
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I find it awkward... because then you are acknowledging that you thought the person was larger in the first place!
Silly, I know.0 -
I think some people are afraid that if they say you look so much better now that they are telling you that you looked bad before. Even though you probably think you did too, they might be afraid to say something bad about you even though it was in the past. If that makes any sense.
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Especially if its in the work place, people might be afraid to offend. I have a coworker who's lost 60+ lbs and no one ever says anything.
Sometimes people are just stupid.0 -
Hey withchaco,
Perhaps some people feel that if they say how great you look or how great you are doing at losing weight, you may feel they are saying you looked bad before. Just a guess.
Congratulations on your success thus far.
Keep going like you are and those abs will come.
tangdalun0 -
In the workplace I think people are held back because of harassment laws. Even if the compliment is not meant to be of a sexual nature. I know I've held back many times giving out compliments for that very reason. Darn litigious society... LOLAside from jealousy/ their own insecurity, that is.
I've come from XXL to M, and the only people who have said anything are the ones who already know I've changed my lifestyle around. Everyone else either hasn't noticed, or... something's keeping them from commenting on it. They're still just as friendly though, so I don't think they're being insecure... Or maybe I just need to lose more :laugh:
I know I've gotten significantly thinner. I know I look much better. I just want to know why sometimes people don't notice/ say anything. Not just to me, but in general.0 -
First off, CONGRATS on your accomplishments! Secondly, sometimes I think people are scared to say anything so they don't offend you. I've lost 34 lbs and I haven't gotten any comments like that yet unless it's from my MIL or my husband who obviously both know that I;ve been trying to lose weight. I don't know what holds others back other than maybe they're scared to offend us? I don't know lol.0
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I think sometimes people are afraid to say anything for fear of sounding like they're saying, "Man, you used to be really fat!" Commenting on something as personal as body size can be tricky, I think, especially for people who aren't really close -- coworkers, for example. Before I started seriously losing weight, I would sometimes see some of my husband's relatives (people I typically see maybe three times a year), and they would ask, "Have you lost weight?" This was clearly intended as a compliment, but (as I hadn't lost weight) it was hard not to hear it as, "You aren't quite as fat as I remember you being."
On the other hand, the change you describe is so dramatic that I'm surprised more people haven't complimented you. Don't let it get you down, though! :flowerforyou:0 -
They might not want to offend. Or maybe they're not sure their perception is right, especially if they don't see you often. I know there have been a few times where I'll see someone who I *think* has lost weight, but I don't want to mention it because I'm not sure since it's been a while since I've seen them. In your case, it sounds like it's noticeable enough that they should be confident in their perceptions, but you never know.0
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I've noticed the same thing. I too have gone from a size XXL (42" in pants) down to a M (32" in pants) and only the people that I'm around all the time have noticed. I've eventually asked a few people about it and they've told me that they just didn't want to say anything and embaress themselves. Don't be insecure and don't do it for them or for the compliments, do it because you like the way you look and feel. Most of the time those people that don't say anything really are just insecure, but not for the reason you think. I believe that they are just afraid they'll look stupid.0
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Some people are afraid that they will offend you, and others are afraid you will say something like "I have lost because I now have X disease", and that leads to uncomfortable conversation. Last time I really went on a diet my family literally thought I had stopped eating (which is ironic because in reality I eat more than most men do). People are weird.
Just keep up the good work and know that you are doing a great job and you are losing! You have accomplished a great thing. 0 -
I work in a bar and I find all the women say "WOW, you're looking good" but most men are pretty blind to change LOL they dont notice so much - and I've lost 50lbs!! ... or maybe in my case, theyre more interested in getting a beer!0
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Same as everyone else: it's the PC-clause. You don't want to offend someone by saying "have you lost weight" since it means you know that they knew that they were fat and never said anything then so why say something now.
Coming from a fat person, I've noticed people I work with that have lost weight & I don't hold back - so far no one has said back to me "so what, you're saying I was fat before", they get excited about talking about losing the weight, especially since they know I've been there, too.
People that don't lose weight - whether they don't need to lose or don't want to lose - don't understand how that little compliment can egg a person on in the right direction. Ignore the Ignoramuses: you are doing AWESOME!!! Going from X's to M's is Fab-YOU-Loss!!!0 -
I have a co-worker that has changed her lifestyle around...my comment to her is I notice you have made some changes in your lifestyle, way to go.
Since I am on this journey I like it when people ask me what are you doing, instead of commenting about you look great or better or whatever. That is just my personal opinion for what it is worth. I have also hooked up MFP to my facebook account so the people know that I am in here daily monitoring my food and exercising.
Lori0 -
well ... being bigger than my peers all my life, it's my experience that it's kind of like 'the elephant in the room' that nobody really talks about. of course, my family & long time friends have seen my weight go up & down so nobody says much any more when I lose cause I think they just expect it to be temporary (suppose I do, too)
I have ONE bff who is blunt about it (I love her to death) She'll compliment me when I lose and chide me when I gain. Other than that - if it's a 50 lb gain nobody said a word about it unless I bring it up.
There really IS no tactful way TO mention it. I guess losing is the same thing - unless it comes up in conversation, it's kind of like saying 'hey, you're not as FAT as you were' . People do lose weight when they're sick, but nobody wants to be the one to compliment them for that. Cut them some slack, I'm sure they notice and approve, they just don't know how to tactfully SAY that.
I will - GOOD JOB! you're awesome!0 -
Do they know that you are actively losing weight? There are a ton of reasons for losing weight involuntarily, maybe they are afraid that you are ill, and they don't want to bring attention to it.
It's like seeing a woman you haven't seen for a while who is substantially bigger, you think she's pregnant, but don't want to say anything in case she just happened to put on weight (not the best example, but it gets the point across, I think.)
If it isn't someone I'm very close with, I usually don't mention anything about appearance changes, unless they bring it up first.0 -
this is a rather tricky situation- I've been on both sides- the person who's noticed others who've lost weight ( sometimes a GREAT DEAL)
and now I'm the one who's lost a great deal.
I'm not sure how to give compliments, much less RECEIVE them.
I don't feel comfortable "judging" people by HOW THEY LOOK, so to vividly point out that I've noticed
IMPLIES that I had a less favorable opinion of them to start with.......
My worst "nightmare" has already happened to me just recently:
A lady I hadn't seen for a while said, "Wow, you've lost a LOT of weight...You look GREAT!"
I could have dealt w/ that OK, but she kept on going...... " I mean, WOW! I cannot believe HOW MUCH YOU'VE LOST...I can't get over it!"
By now, I'm feelin' the urge to deck her......as the thoughts run thru my head, " Just how FAT did she think I was to start with?"
So, I say all that to say that I have NO CLUE...
I'm hurt if someone doesn't SEEM to notice, or SEEMS to be indifferent if they did,
but I am also not completely comfortable IF they do say something...0 -
In today's society of being politically correct, they are probably afraid to offend you by saying anything. That would imply they noticed you were overweight before
this. I finally asked my nephew point blank and that is what he said. he didn't know how to say how great I looked without implying I looked awful before.0 -
Aside from jealousy/ their own insecurity, that is.
I've come from XXL to M, and the only people who have said anything are the ones who already know I've changed my lifestyle around. Everyone else either hasn't noticed, or... something's keeping them from commenting on it. They're still just as friendly though, so I don't think they're being insecure... Or maybe I just need to lose more :laugh:
I know I've gotten significantly thinner. I know I look much better. I just want to know why sometimes people don't notice/ say anything. Not just to me, but in general.
I echo a few other's sentiment.
When I gained weight in college then lost it, my *now* husband told his mom, "Wow, she's REALLY lost the weight." It kind of embarrassed me...even though I knew I looked terrible when I gained and looked much better at that time. I was still just sensitive that I had let it even get to that point.
So when I notice someone is losing, I do always comment and tell them that I'm proud of them and they look so much happier, etc. But I do watch my wording because if someone has just recently lost the weight they may be a little more sensitive at the time.0 -
Have you ever complimented someone for losing weight only to find out it was due to a pretty serious illness?? Yeah. Awkward.0
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Aside from jealousy/ their own insecurity, that is.
I've come from XXL to M, and the only people who have said anything are the ones who already know I've changed my lifestyle around. Everyone else either hasn't noticed, or... something's keeping them from commenting on it. They're still just as friendly though, so I don't think they're being insecure... Or maybe I just need to lose more :laugh:
I know I've gotten significantly thinner. I know I look much better. I just want to know why sometimes people don't notice/ say anything. Not just to me, but in general.
You have an awesome doggy.0 -
Im so happy you did this topic, my sister lost like 30lb and looked loads better, but got upset when no one commented on it, like family and stuff.. but the replies on here I can understand why I'll show her this 0
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i've lost over 70lbs and so far, only a few people who didn't know i was dieting commented. my dentist, a family friend, and an old co-worker. all 3 of them saw me last at my heaviest weight, and went month without seeing me.
i work at a school, so i'm hoping that a few people will see a difference when i go back to work in a couple weeks.
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Have you ever complimented someone for losing weight only to find out it was due to a pretty serious illness?? Yeah. Awkward.
This too.
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Personally, I only like hearing comments and compliments from my family and close friends. The thought of casual acquaintances and co-workers looking at my body and noticing that it's smaller completely creeps me out. I know people mean well, but it makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. Also, the 'You've lost weight!' comment is always followed by 'How did you do it?' and I really don't like talking about my diet and workout schedule because I really don't have any new wisdom to share. No one really wants to hear that I watched portions and exercised more, but still eat pizza and cupcakes pretty regularly.
I also don't comment on other people's weight loss unless I know it is something they want to talk about and are happy about. Some people lose weight because of cancer or depression or an eating disorder.
If I think someone is losing weight and looking healthier, I usually stick with a simple 'You look GREAT!" and leave it at that.0 -
I totally agree with all the above postings. Also, if not mentioned above maybe people don't want to give any pressure/guilt what-ever if you end up gaining any weight back. I'm glad this was brought up because I myself have lost 16 pounds (previously I lost 40, and gained it back) I was really embarrased myself to be back up in weight and didn't want to tell anyone I was trying again. So of course I am also not getting any comments, and at first thought 'nobody cares, I am just invisible' but after reading all the comments I'll cut them all some slack, after all..I feel better and really it is all about how I feel, not how they feel/think, right??
good for you!!! Perhaps if you want some positive feedback start the conversation by saying something like: 'I'm celebrating today!! Today is the (fill in the blank) anniversary of my healthy lifestyle....." something along that way. Anybody ever ask you 'How are you doing?" Fill in the blank with 'Just great, I made some great changes in myself and I am really happy with them!!"
either way, good job!! hang in there!0 -
This is a big issue with nearly everyone I think. I have lost 208 lbs since I was at my highest weight 2 years ago. My friends say nice things but only 2-3 others have ever said anything and I lost a whole person. I have no idea why that is. Way to go on your loss. This site is the best for compliments I think. 0
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Aside from jealousy/ their own insecurity, that is.
I've come from XXL to M, and the only people who have said anything are the ones who already know I've changed my lifestyle around. Everyone else either hasn't noticed, or... something's keeping them from commenting on it. They're still just as friendly though, so I don't think they're being insecure... Or maybe I just need to lose more :laugh:
I know I've gotten significantly thinner. I know I look much better. I just want to know why sometimes people don't notice/ say anything. Not just to me, but in general.
I think it makes people uncomfortable to imply that you had weight to lose. Also, I've heard a lot from friends that they didn't realize how much extra weight I had to lose because some frames/wardrobes hide it!
Edit: congratulations, even if people don't say, I'm sure they notice!0 -
I know what you mean OP. With the guy I'm currently dating, we went through a 1 month break a couple months ago. When we got back together, I asked if I looked different in any way since he last saw me. He gave me this nervous look and was like, "no, you look great all the time" LOL. So all day he kept trying to get me to say it and I wouldn't, until finally he said, "okay I don't want to offend you because you know I find you super sexy regardless, but it looks like you lost weight since I last saw you". I was like, "um, why would I be offended that you noticed I lost weight?" And he just thought him noticing I was bigger before might be offensive to me. So yeah, I think people may over think our reaction. I find myself attractive pre-weight loss and currently but I just want acknowledgement on my hard work! 0
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I find it awkward... because then you are acknowledging that you thought the person was larger in the first place!
Silly, I know.
thats a v good point. i was never huge before, but have lost a noticeable amount (a stone) but hardly anyone says anything.0
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