Marital calorie jealousy
jelleigh
Posts: 743 Member
I know it's not surprising my husband loses quicker than me. He's 6' and 270 lbs and burns 4000 calories mostly by accident a day so of COURSE he's going to lose quicker and can eat way more. But does anyone else find it difficult to stay to their calorie goal when your mate can eat so much more? Or how do you stay positive and motivated when you feel like you are working at it hard and the scale isn't budging, but he vaguely pays attention to things and the weight drops off him? Don't get me wrong - I'm super super proud that he's made this progress and is making these changes for the firsttime ever. But since I'm the one doing all the meal prep, weighing all the portions, calculating all the macros, I really need to stay motivated and it's getting harder when I'm not seeing the results I want.
We are one month in. Had two or three days over the holidays that we ate past maintenance and otherwise stayed pretty on goal. I weigh everything. He's down 11 lbs and I'm down 2 (I have at least 40 to lose). I'm set to 1.5 lbs per week deficit. Some weight loss might be masked by water retention or TOM but uuuuuuggggghhh .
Ok rant over. Anyone have some motivation for me?
We are one month in. Had two or three days over the holidays that we ate past maintenance and otherwise stayed pretty on goal. I weigh everything. He's down 11 lbs and I'm down 2 (I have at least 40 to lose). I'm set to 1.5 lbs per week deficit. Some weight loss might be masked by water retention or TOM but uuuuuuggggghhh .
Ok rant over. Anyone have some motivation for me?
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Replies
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Is it maybe because you feel like you’re putting in all the effort so you both can reach your goals?
Can he also meal prep and weigh out portions? It might be the mental break you need from the constant visual comparisons. I find I do better when I can focus on myself.13 -
No, not at all.
It’s just the way it is. Everyone is different and you can’t compare yourself to ANYONE else.
I totally understand your feelings though. Life isn’t fair sometimes, so rant away, it helps sometimes🌼4 -
Comparison is the thief of joy.
Why are you the only one doing any meal prep if you both are eating it?8 -
I mean, do I consider it awesome that my BMR is less than my husband's? No, not really. I'd love to be able to eat more. But it's just biological reality. I don't really see the point of getting upset at it any more than I would be angry that he doesn't get terrible cramps once a month while I do.
There are things I can do to increase my TDEE or be more satisfied with the meals I'm eating, so that's what I focus my energy on.5 -
How does he accidentally burn 4000 calories a day?
Anyway, yes it is hard and I sometimes get jealous. I just have to recognize that my husband and I are different. However, the fact that you are doing all of the meal prep suggests you are holding a greater burden in the work. Sounds like maybe he needs to start helping.3 -
I completely understand were you are coming from Hubby & I got gym memberships on Nov 19, 2018 he has been able to go basically every single day were I have fun mom responsibilities to do with our children. I do say he does do the meal prepping for the most park for us so I don't have to put in too much effort for that. I swear he just has to be think about losing weight and he loses weight but he's also 6ft and started at 385lbs hes 365lbs as of this morning so 20lbs lost and I have been struggling to lose and gain the same 5lbs. I started intermittent fasting 6 days ago so hopefully that helps me not want to snack so much.0
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YES. It's super annoying. And, yes, I know I shouldn't compare, and I largely don't, but Jesus. I'm so jealous of his scaled-back weight-loss calorie allowance. He gets to eat 1800 a day and lose weight like mad, but I'm eating 1200ish and stubborn as hell. It. Is. Maddening.
As for your question about motivation: I stay motivated because I don't allow myself to dwell on this too much. My weight-loss journey is mine alone. We are different people, he's a different gender, etc. etc. Just make sure he's supportive of your wins, even if he doesn't care much about his own. YOU LOST TWO POUNDS! That's great! That means things are moving! So keep it up. Yeah, he'll probably get to his goal faster, but you'll have worked harder to earn yours, and I mean that in a good way: Your loss is way more indicative of your hard work and your persistence than his is. Be proud of yourself.2 -
I'd bet that if you weren't the one doing all the detail work, it would be easier to not be jealous. Especially if he's the type of person that wouldn't even be doing this if you weren't doing all the work. Perhaps it's time to do some delegating?4
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My husband is 10 years younger, fit and bikes to work. His low cholesterol levels suggest that he may have some issues with nutrient absorbtion, although other medical tests come back normal. I am old and obese and diabetic and work from home. Our calorie AND nutritional goals are very different. I just bought him pretzels and Doritos that I will probably not touch at all. A few weeks ago, it was Cheetos and I did have a serving. Out of a party sized bag. I am just glad I got him to stop eating chocolate during yoga.
Some days it is hard, but for the most part, I just recognize that we have very different bodies and stay focused on what I need to do. Perhaps it is easier because we also have different goals?3 -
It is annoying sometimes! My husband needs to gain weight so he's getting about 4000 calories a day. I'm trying to lose another 5-10 so am eating 1500-1600. Dished up ice cream the other night for each of us and let me tell you, that was sad.
As others have said, don't compare your husband's progress to your own. There are too many differences in size, muscle, etc. Just never going to be equal.
But if you aren't losing like you think you should be, take a look at your logging and make sure that's accurate and then wait a few weeks to see how you are doing. It's not easy to be patient while he's dropping pounds faster but that's just the way it works.
And come on here and vent every time you want to scream. You'll get great support and advice!4 -
Not really. When he shares a new low weight with me I mainly feel a combination of pride and relief (that he's taking his health more seriously now).
We share a decent amount of the prep burden, which I have to be more mindful of because he can eat more, so that probably helps keep uncharitable thoughts at bay. It generally all evens out anyway. He can drop pounds more easily and has more upper body strength, but I have more flexibility and better cardiovascular fitness.
Our goals aren't identical, our determination and motivation levels are different, our general fitness levels are different, and our results are going to be different. We try to just be the best cheerleader for each other that we can be.1 -
TavistockToad wrote: »Comparison is the thief of joy.
Why are you the only one doing any meal prep if you both are eating it?
Yeah, the only thing I let my OH do is grill and peel potatoes. He wants them peeled, he can do it
I do very much appreciate him doing the post-meal cleanup. (I generally do prep dishes.)0 -
Thanks all. Ya I know I just need to come to terms with it and stay the course. Man I hate being patient! Lol.
My schedule has more time so I tend to do more domestic stuff. I'm trying to make this as easy on him as possible because he's struggled with his weight his whole life and didn't really believe it would be possible to lose (Comes from a family with some disordered eating/dieting). So the whole concept of counting calories is not only new to him but he's vaguely suspicious of any eating plan (again history playing a part). Anyhow - I really want to support him and keep him motivated because I know how great it feels to be a healthy size and achieve fitness goals because like 10 years ago I actually got quite fit. But at the beginning I know it needs to be easy for him. So I'm doing all the meal prep. He's been learning over the month and taking more on but in the meantime I'm so irritated that my weight is seemingly stalled (although I know logically it's either water weight or just a slow loss due to the overeating days).
@puffbrat I just mean that he isn't doing any exercise per se. He's just a big guy and his job has enough walking that his fitbit puts him at 4000 calories burned most days. We both break 10000 steps every day just by typical life.3 -
concordancia wrote: »My husband is 10 years younger, fit and bikes to work. His low cholesterol levels suggest that he may have some issues with nutrient absorbtion, although other medical tests come back normal. I am old and obese and diabetic and work from home. Our calorie AND nutritional goals are very different. I just bought him pretzels and Doritos that I will probably not touch at all. A few weeks ago, it was Cheetos and I did have a serving. Out of a party sized bag. I am just glad I got him to stop eating chocolate during yoga.
Some days it is hard, but for the most part, I just recognize that we have very different bodies and stay focused on what I need to do. Perhaps it is easier because we also have different goals?
I love this. I actually giggled a bit - good on you for having such self control! Doritos are my weakness....2 -
Thanks @RAinWA . yes that's exactly what happens! I try to serve us food, obviously knowing or portions are going to be way way different, but it's so sad! Lol. This is how I gained the weight mind you - cooking for us, making him a big plate, making me a smaller (but not small enough) plate. Or worse yet, splitting the food! How is it possible to burn half the calories but have the same appetite!?! Lol.4
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kshama2001 wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »Comparison is the thief of joy.
Why are you the only one doing any meal prep if you both are eating it?
Yeah, the only thing I let my OH do is grill and peel potatoes. He wants them peeled, he can do it
I do very much appreciate him doing the post-meal cleanup. (I generally do prep dishes.)
Exactly. Hubby is happy to help in other ways, chores, laundry, even does cooking at other times. But trying to weigh and balance macros and hit protein goals is a lot to figure out at the beginning.0 -
It is a waste of energy, counter productive, and destructive to compare yourself to anyone..especially your spouse.
We all have heard a million times that men lose easier and faster than women. Are we not going to diet and lose our weight because life is not fair? That's silly.
I get how you feel... my husband is a big guy.. he gets a lot of calories to eat and he loses weight easily. But he is BIG.. I think he weighs what your husband weighs.
.. you only have 40 pounds to lose. Last year I lost exactly 40 pounds, while my big hubby drank every night and ate way more than I did and stayed within his calories.
However... I'm done.. and he's still yo-yoing and only down 25 pounds after regaining 10.
I was successful because I stuck with my plan and stayed the course. you do the same..it will happen for you.1 -
You're discounting his efforts a bit here. I feel like you're misunderstanding hunger as a product of the amount of food you can eat. If he's a bigger person then he needs to eat more to survive, smaller folk can feel fuller for longer on less. Think of him as a truck and you as a hatchback, it'd be daft to get jealous that he uses more fuel yet that's whats happening4
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no. i dont get jealous of my husband. hes a guy. he can eat more. blame physiology.
add to that my hubby needs to GAIN weight. he gets all the cookies. he also has a physical job and burns WAY more calories than i ever do in a day!
it is what it is.1 -
My son is 6’4” and weighs maybe 150 pounds soaking wet.
A few years ago, I was in the kitchen weighing my lettuce and tomatoes and other salad ingredients while he made himself a few peanut butter and butter sandwiches to have as a snack before dinner.
A mothet’s love can only go so far LOL.
No-I don’t really get jealous though. The men in my life work very physical jobs and they are quite tall. It just kind of is what it is.4 -
If you are one month in and already losing motivation and complaining about a 2 lbs loss. I wonder if you are ready for the life long change needed. You need to understand, the reality food wise you knew,has to be gone or you will end up right back in the same place.
Are you upset that body builders and pro athletes can eat 10000 calories a day? Why should it make a difference if your other half has more. Concentrate on yourself!3 -
My husband is thin, 8 inches taller than me, and trying to gain muscle. So while I’m making sure I’m in a deficit every day, he’s making sure he’s eating even more. He actually gets to eat more than double my daily calories! So yeah sometimes I get a little jealous seeing him fill up his plate at dinner but it is what it is. I’m glad he’s working on his fitness level and he needs more calories to do that, I can’t begrudge him wanting to be healthier 🙂
Just remember, it’s not a competition. You are both on your own personal journeys and the best thing to do is just cheer each other on.0 -
I'm not jealous that my OH can eat more calories than me and not get overweight.......I'm the one who is obese and is on a diet. I am happy to do the weekly shop and buy him his cakes, crisps, bread and other goodies. I also do all the meal prep and cooking every night [he does loads of other domestic work].....I try to make tasty, balanced, nutritious and reasonably healthy meals......we both eat the same meal, I just give him a bigger portion. I am sitting typing this with a large box of chocolates on the table which he delves into every night....I don't, well I might have the odd one or two lol.
My OH is very supportive....he measures out my milk for the day every morning and brings me my coffee in bed. He is happy to eat the same meals as me and says he loves them...bless him. He even understands that buying fresh meat and fish to cook from scratch is a bit more expensive than processed junk.
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Marital calories? Is that something that gets divided by a judge during a divorce?
Seriously though. Accept reality, Men have more lean body mass than women. Larger bones, more muscle. They expend more calories than women. So they lose weight a bit faster. It's just a fact. No need to be jealous or stress about it.1 -
Thanks @RAinWA . yes that's exactly what happens! I try to serve us food, obviously knowing or portions are going to be way way different, but it's so sad! Lol. This is how I gained the weight mind you - cooking for us, making him a big plate, making me a smaller (but not small enough) plate. Or worse yet, splitting the food! How is it possible to burn half the calories but have the same appetite!?! Lol.
Yeah we do that, too. Since I'm the one doing all of the portion control, dividing up for leftovers, etc. the portions are generally built for my calorie allotment, and my guy usually has a snack after or eats a bigger lunch to make up what he needs. It's definitely easier if we're doing sandwiches or soup or something, where he can double his cracker portion or make a second (or bigger) sandwich.
Ideally he would be interested in measuring and logging his own food (he has a MFP account he doesn't really use) but until then... I get to portion it all!
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My husband is 6’8 and obese and I’m 5’4 trying to lose 10 pounds. I feel you. He loses 2 lbs a week just by eating a salad and only have 1 bee a night. It’s annoying but there’s nothing you can do unfortunately0
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