Scared to weigh or measure myself

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So I have been terrified of weighing or measuring myself lately....
I gained some weight after my boyfriend and I started living together (he snacks A LOT, and it is hard for me to avoid temptation) and I was NOT happy. I tried extreme dieting and I'm sure we can all guess how that went.... after a few weeks, gave up, and gained more weight. So i ended up being 128lbs, which is borderline overweight for my height. I started to avoid the scale.

In December I started working out again And eating healthier. I had done it before, why couldn't I do it again? And besides the bad emotional days, it's been easy to maintain. I told myself i would weigh and measure myself at the end of January... but as January came to a close, I got extreme anxiety and still haven't done it.
I am honestly terrified to see how much i weigh, or how i measure.
I have struggled with an eating disorder in the past, and still mentally and emotionally struggle with it whenever I see myself in the mirror or see numbers on a scale/measuring take. The moment i see a number that is bigger than i expected, or see my body at a terrible angle or in terrible clothes, I break down... i give up being healthy or going out... I either starve myself or binge....

I have been working out so hard the last month and a half.... I sweat and feel fantastic! I see myself in the mirror and can tell a difference...

But what if its all a lie? What if im bigger instead of smaller? What if I weigh more now? I feel like I'm setting myself up to fall apart....

Replies

  • amyelizbeth
    amyelizbeth Posts: 58 Member
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    I agree with Tavistock Toad. It may be in your best interest to speak to your treatment team, maybe even a therapost before things get out of control.

    I used to be the exact same way. I used to struggle with an eating disorder where I would starve all day and binge at night. It took a while to break the cycle and I eventually went to therapy for that along with other things. I also used to be scared of the scale and scared to measure myself. I do belive that seeking a therapist/treatment team will help you so much especially in the long run.
  • wearefab
    wearefab Posts: 69 Member
    edited February 2019
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    Dont weight yourself. There are all these 'rules' about how we should do thimgs in life, but the fact is, it sounds like you know yourself, and you know you would not benefit from the measuring.
    Its a wonderful feeling to feel fit, healthy, detoxed from a bit of sweating and toned.
    THAT FEELING IS REAL! Its healthy hormones and neurotransmitters.
    There is no reason to expose yourself to weight and measure when just the thought of it triggers anxiety in you.
    In life, sometimes we have to expose ourselves to anxity triggers - for instance if I really want a dog but picking up poo on a bag makes me anxious, then I have to expose to anxiety to overcome it.
    But with weight and measure it doesnt appear that there will be a benefit for you.
    The benefit for you is working out and being healthy . THAT IS REAL.
    Just perhaps be aware of becoming obsessive. Its fair enough to want to work out for an hour a day as part of your mental and phsical wellbing, but if you have to workout 2 hours a day, or its the end of the world when you dont get to work out for a day here and there, then you need psychological support.
    It sounds like you know yourself well, so just be real about where you are at, and whether its a good time to get more support from your team to stop you going down a certain track.
    Apart from that, dont weight or measure, and dont worry about not weighting or measuring. its overrated and lots of people never do it and live happy healhy lives!
    Bask in the feeling of healthy and alive! And as Byrin Katie says "what would your life be like without that thought?". What would your life be like if you let go of the thought, "i shoud weigh"? Just let it go compeltely. Forget about it. Does life feel easier, freer, calmer? Focus on the good stuff you have going on.
    Take care :)
  • blarneydog
    blarneydog Posts: 3 Member
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    I say face the truth and weigh yourself. If it’s high you can change it. If it’s lower then you have gotten rid of your anxiety. I think you’ve got to face it and not bury your head in the sand. I was the same way as you....very afraid to get in the scale. But I finally did it and the anxiety is over. Now I’ve got a concrete beginning to start my weight loss. You’ve got to face the truth.
  • smolmaus
    smolmaus Posts: 442 Member
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    I agree that these are important things to tell a therapist or medical professional.

    In the short term, nobody is forcing you to weigh yourself. Just don't. If you feel good then count that as a measure of success, it means a lot more. If your old pattern was weigh-panic-binge-restrict then cutting out the first step can't hurt in disrupting the whole thing.
  • elisa123gal
    elisa123gal Posts: 4,287 Member
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    Maybe step away from numbers..the scale, the measuring tape ..and counting calories. You can gain more calm and perspective by not immersing yourself in something that you feel is becoming obsessive.

    wE are just average people.. if you want great strategies... trained nutritionist can give you honest feedback and proven strategies so you can let this go and lead a happy life. You look like a beautiful girl..you can get through this. :)
  • gallicinvasion
    gallicinvasion Posts: 1,015 Member
    edited February 2019
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    I felt like this for a long time. Sometimes I think it helps to hear “This way of thinking is not normal or healthy. You can live a happier life; it’s possible! You can navigate your way around food without feeling terrible guilt. Life is not just one big starve-binge-guilt-sadness struggle.”

    It won’t be like this forever! Your first step is to find professionals who can help you break this cycle. I had amazing wonderful success with a behavioral therapist. She helped me identify how long I’d been treating food this way, why it might have started, and what about my life was causing me such distress that I would make those eating choices. Then, she listened to my goals and helped me adopt one tiny tiny change at a time to help reach those goals.

    I haven’t binged in about 8 months, and I feel so much more at ease around food and my body image. I feel like my life and my mindset have COMPLETELY turned around.

    I searched up behavioral therapists who specialized in disordered eating in my area, reached out by email to schedule an initial meeting to see how we got along, and it snowballed from there. If you don’t have insurance, see if you can reach out to the people who care about you (parents maybe?) and let them know you’re struggling. You can also use free counseling lines too, in the meantime.

    We care about you; please let us know if you’re able to find someone to help you make a plan! (And don’t go near the scale for now; you don’t need the anxiety!)
  • gallicinvasion
    gallicinvasion Posts: 1,015 Member
    edited February 2019
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    blarneydog wrote: »
    I say face the truth and weigh yourself. If it’s high you can change it. If it’s lower then you have gotten rid of your anxiety. I think you’ve got to face it and not bury your head in the sand. I was the same way as you....very afraid to get in the scale. But I finally did it and the anxiety is over. Now I’ve got a concrete beginning to start my weight loss. You’ve got to face the truth.

    I think if you read the OP, you’ll agree that the problem is not her weighing too much, the problem is her anxiety about food, her body, and her binge-starve cycles. Having a lower weight than she expected is not going to magically fix her anxiety-ridden relationship with food and self image. Let’s not recommend weight loss for someone who might be struggling with disordered eating (not before she’s seen a doctor or therapist).
  • TouchofWrath
    TouchofWrath Posts: 16 Member
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    blarneydog wrote: »
    I say face the truth and weigh yourself. If it’s high you can change it. If it’s lower then you have gotten rid of your anxiety. I think you’ve got to face it and not bury your head in the sand. I was the same way as you....very afraid to get in the scale. But I finally did it and the anxiety is over. Now I’ve got a concrete beginning to start my weight loss. You’ve got to face the truth.

    I think if you read the OP, you’ll agree that the problem is not her weighing too much, the problem is her anxiety about food, her body, and her binge-starve cycles. Having a lower weight than she expected is not going to magically fix her anxiety-ridden relationship with food and self image. Let’s not recommend weight loss for someone who might be struggling with disordered eating (not before she’s seen a doctor or therapist).

    I would like to thank you for your concern and this well thought out post. However i would like to add that I don't see it as me having an anxiety-ridden relationship with food (though I guess anyone with a problem wouldnt see it that way, would they?). I LOVE food. I hardly skip meals on purpose, and usually eat when I am hungry. The only times I don't are when I have an "episode" related to seeing my weight or measurements... that, or I overeat. These episodes usually dont even last for more than a day. The one crash diet I took part in was fully due to my laziness of going back to the gym.
    I believe my bad relationship is more with the idea of "look at all this hard work I did, all this "suffering", and it wasn't even worth it".
    I will also agree with everyone here that, yes, I probably should receive some mental/emotional help. I am still very clearly suffering from anxiety and body disphoria. Before even posting this, I knew I needed to get help, and have been greatly considering setting up an appointment soon.
  • TouchofWrath
    TouchofWrath Posts: 16 Member
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    Thank you to everyone who responded kindly to my post.
    It touches my heart that you're all concerned about my mental-emotional health. And honestly, your words have given me the push I need to greatly consider taking the step forward and setting up an appointment with a mental health professional to help me with my anxieties.
    I greatly appreciate those who have comforted me by telling me it's not about the numbers, as well as those who told me one day I will need to suck it up. Both are correct. I do eventually need to see the numbers for a variety of things; weight for bmi, measurements for bridesmaid dresses, etc. But for now it can wait. I am giving myself til the end of February to weigh and measure myself... and this time I will do it for sure.
    Thank you, to everybody.