Does your family know you’re “dieting”?
asochable
Posts: 43 Member
I’m back to tracking my food to lose a little holiday weight but mostly to eat healthier and improve my running. I just got my husband to rejoin MFP because he does need to lose more weight for health reasons. Whenever we go visit his family, it is usually a weekend of super unhealthy eating (very carb heavy, big meals, lots of snacking and eating out). I know if I say I am watching what I eat, they will tell me I don’t need to lose weight, blah blah blah, but it’s not really about the weight loss and my husband does actually need to lose weight. I don’t know if they would be supportive or know what to do if we said we were on a “diet” (we know it’s a lifestyle change but to them I’m sure it would be perceived as a diet).
How have you gone about discussing your new eating habits with your extended family, etc.? Do they know about MFP? Or do you just call the weekend a wash and regroup with better habits the next day?
How have you gone about discussing your new eating habits with your extended family, etc.? Do they know about MFP? Or do you just call the weekend a wash and regroup with better habits the next day?
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Replies
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Can you not just politely decline snacks and order things that won't blow your calorie goal when you go out?3
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I make the best choices I can in whatever situation I’m in. Sometimes even the best choice isn’t “good” but it’s the best I can do.
My extended family, friends, coworkers, etc haven’t decided to alter what they eat, nor should I expect them to in order to cater to my preferences.
I’ll just do my best. Eat a little less, get a little more activity, balance out my intake so I have a little less the rest of the week, etc.
Or sometimes just roll with it and know I’m at maintenance or even a little over and maybe my entire weight loss effort is slowed by 2 days. I can live with that too.6 -
@TavistockToad Yes, I can order healthier choices when we go out. But then they will make a big pancakes and bacon breakfast or pick up bagels and pizza (my husband is from New York originally so they know he can’t get “good” ones at home) and stock up on tons of snacks (cookies, chips, ice cream, etc) that they know we like simply because we are coming to visit.1
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@TavistockToad Yes, I can order healthier choices when we go out. But then they will make a big pancakes and bacon breakfast or pick up bagels and pizza (my husband is from New York originally so they know he can’t get “good” ones at home) and stock up on tons of snacks (cookies, chips, ice cream, etc) that they know we like simply because we are coming to visit.
Again, you don't have to eat all of the things that they have in the house?
Work to your weekly goal or maintenance.
Smile and say no thank you and change the subject after 1 cookie.9 -
@TavistockToad thanks. I’m pretty good about limiting the snacks. My husband has a hard time with it not just because it’s his favorite foods but then the guilt of his family going out of the way to please him when he visits. 🤷🏼♀️1
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For many people, food is a way to show love and it sounds like that's the case with your in laws. They are doing the things they think you both like because they love you and want to make sure you're taken care of. And, sometimes, people (specially family) think you're dieting "AT" them when you look to change your habits for the better. Every family dynamic is different, there's no one answer that will work for everyone but what I would do in your shoes is before going to visit make some casual references to changing the way my husband and I are eating.
I wouldn't call it a diet, I wouldn't say we (he) is trying to lose weight but I would say things like "after some conversations with our doctors we're making a few little changes to be healthier" or "I've got a big race coming up and my husband is being very sportive, so we're making some changes to how we eat and exercise together". Dropping those into conversations prior to going to visit mean nobody is blindsided. Maybe it even opens the door to a conversation about what foods you would prefer to be on hand. I wouldn't say diet, I wouldn't even say lifestyle change.
I'd also try to focus family on experiences you and your husband would like to have while visiting saying things like "you know we haven't be to the museum in for ever and I'd love to see xxx when we're there" can help take the focus away from the foods as the main highlight of the visit.
Finally, I'd just try to eat less, move more and not make a massive thing about it while there. Best of luck.
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I don't know if this will help or not, but I often find that people are much more likely to comply when you frame it as asking them for help, rather than telling them what you guys are doing. Since it sounds like your husband does really need to lose weight, and it's his family anyway, perhaps ask them ahead of time to help him by not going all out this time. Obviously this depends on how your hubby feels about his weight and what his relationship with his family is like. Maybe they could skip the snacks and just get bagels for breakfast one day and pizza for dinner once.1
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I'm not dieting now, but when I am, no I don't tell anyone. It doesn't really ever come up. If I was in the situation you are describing, I would just pick what I wanted to eat. You don't have to eat everything there because it's available. I would eat a reasonable portion of the pancakes or whatever it was and that would be that. No discussion necessary.1
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no, it's none of their business and honestly not that interesting a topic. I just say no thanks when I don't want something.1
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Never. The only person who knows is my sister because I live with her. When I am in a situation like that, I just pick the healthiest of what is available. I never tell people I am dieting or explain my food choices. It hasn't really been an issue anyway. Nobody has been like "But why aren't you eating that?".1
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I would generally agree that it's none of their beeswax
but it sounds like they run out and buy all sorts of special snacks plus bagels and pizza specifically because they're coming. If they've always done that, and OP and hubby have always eaten it, I think it would be a little un-thoughtful to let them go out and spend $$$ on that stuff and then just say "no thanks" to all of it.
Back in the day, we used to have out of state relatives come visit once a year, and we would always run out that morning and get a dozen bagels, pastries from the bakery, and plan a pizza dinner one night as those were foods they always said they missed about NY. If one year we did all that, and they just said no thanks to all of it, I would've been a little peeved, not to mention out a fair chunk of change! Especially when they could have told us ahead of time they really didn't want to eat that stuff this time.5 -
I don't consider what I eat to be dieting but my immediate family knows that I am trying to eat healthier - mostly because there is no soda, chips, and snack crackers in the house anymore. It isn't because I don't ever have those things but because my willpower for those is nonexistent. When we go out with others, I just make better choices - usually a 6 oz steak or salmon, potato and vegetable. Noone questions it if I don't make a big deal about it.0
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I don't see my extended family enough to where it would become an issue (i.e. only on Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter). I normally just eat what everyone is eating and just watch my portions. I try to fill up on things that are less calorie-dense so I'm less tempted to eat a lot of the other things.
They know I'm dieting because they see me lose weight, but they generally don't see the day-to-day impact it has had on my food habits because they only see me during holiday-eating mode.
I don't know if it's just like, my family, but I visit my parents on a weekly basis since they live just outside of the town I'm in, and they don't buy me things. If I want to have something at the house and they don't have it, I have to bring it, lol. This is the first time I've seen that as an advantage.0 -
Duck_Puddle wrote: »I make the best choices I can in whatever situation I’m in. Sometimes even the best choice isn’t “good” but it’s the best I can do.
My extended family, friends, coworkers, etc haven’t decided to alter what they eat, nor should I expect them to in order to cater to my preferences.
I’ll just do my best. Eat a little less, get a little more activity, balance out my intake so I have a little less the rest of the week, etc.
Or sometimes just roll with it and know I’m at maintenance or even a little over and maybe my entire weight loss effort is slowed by 2 days. I can live with that too.
this but i would add: people know i'm dieting because sometimes it's applicable to mention it and because it isn't shameful or up for someone else's approval. it's no different than other accommodations we make for others.
then again i am pretty direct about things so it might not be your style. best of luck with the family!0 -
I have lunch every week at my aunt's place. She usually make a really nice dessert and sometimes the rest is heavy too. I eat a little less during the week and plan for it. I also take leftovers and spread them out during the week. Or freeze them.
"oh I am too full right now" works well. Eating slowly and not taking seconds works too. I also usually exercise a bit more those days.
But no I don't tell anybody I am trying to lose weight or using MFP. I can't deal with those discussions. I'll forever have to watch my weight and I'll forever have the same family. I just have to deal with it.7 -
Thanks for all the different points of view!
I agree with the sentiment that it’s not their business which is why I haven’t said anything at this point to them. But, as @mmultanen said, I do think food is the family’s way to show love and like @kimny72 points out, I don’t want to upset them. It’s probably my husbands place to tell them to kindly not get us all that food, but that would definitely be hard for him to do, both because he does love his NY bagels and because he doesn’t want to somehow upset them or have the uncomfortable conversation that he’s trying to eat better. His family knows I run a lot and that we go to crossfit to get in better shape.
So far it sounds like the best option is to make the best choices we can in the situations that come up and get back on track when we get home.3 -
dieting ..or restricting your eating or totally changing your eating habits is YOUR business. Is not your place to tell the people you visit to accommodate your eating habits. If you invite them to your home, serve healthy food and call it a day..it is your choice. If you visit them...bring a dish you can eat.
It seems logical that you should be able to say something and be considered at gatherings outside your home. But, really it is an imposition on people who have invited you to be kind. The bottom line.. people who make huge announcements about their vegetarianism, vegan diets, lactose intolerance...gluten allergies... are hardly celebrated as guests you just can't wait to invite again.0 -
@elisa123gal I’m not talking about going over for dinner at a friends house. I’m talking about staying with my in-laws for a few days where they often go out of the way to get us foods they know we like but are not good for us. It’s not really feasible to bring our own dish for the whole weekend and if anything I feel like that would be insulting to our families that we won’t eat their food.
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I completely understand where you're coming from. I think this situation requires a bit of self preservation skills from you and your husband. At the end of the day you have two choices. Either you have the uncomfortable situation of telling them "Please don't buy any of this junk food specifically for us, because we have a hard time saying no" or you both just need to start saying no regardless of whether they offer it or not. Sometimes it's hardest not letting people guilt you into eating food that are high in calories and will throw you back a whole weeks worth of progress. At the end of the day though, even if you don't want to specifically tell them to please stop buying all these things, they surely will get the message after the 3rd or 4th time you guys come to visit and decline their well meant offerings.1
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“Don’t go out of your way to stock up on special food/snacks. I’d love to go shopping with you when we arrive.”5
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@TavistockToad thanks. I’m pretty good about limiting the snacks. My husband has a hard time with it not just because it’s his favorite foods but then the guilt of his family going out of the way to please him when he visits. 🤷🏼♀️
Your husband will have to learn some of these skills to get to his healthy weight. His guilt is his, you can’t control that. He can eat his favorite foods in moderation unless he is at a critical point where he shouldn’t be eating specific things than he needs to take ownership of that.
Suggest everyone go for a walk after breakfast or play a game with the kids.
In the long run, spending a week with family will not completely derail goals. The skills learned however (moderation, subbing low cal options, exercise/walking) will keep him consistent. Being with family should be the biggest focus!1 -
The first time I did this (pre-injury) and got to my desired weight several of my family members were not supportive, and even some of my friends. However, I was working out and eating right and going to my doctor. Those who said things were usually overweight and would say things like, “why aren’t you eating?” And once my grandmother asked me why I didn’t go back for seconds after overfilling my plate for thanksgiving. It only got worse when I developed vertigo as a side effect of a serious sinus infection that went undiagnosed. Many in my family said it was a result of my “not eating enough” and that I was being unhealthy, except for the ones who I spent time with—those who also hiked, biked, swam, and stayed active like my husband and I.
The point I’m trying to make is, there are always going to be people who say you don’t need to lose weight, and then tell you that you’re too skinny when you reach the weight that your doctor tells you that you need to be at. It’s easier said than done, and maybe it was easy for me because a lot of those ppl in my family are not supportive in other ways as well. Whenever I choose to live a healthy life, though, I find I lose some people who do not support me and also make some new friends.
One last thing I have to say is this: if you and/or your husband really and truly care about what these people say/think, you can always just say (to yourself) that you will eat one unhealthy thing with every meal. If you are still exercising while you are there, you may also not feel as guilty about that. But food is for sustenance and it is there to help us live happy lives; food is not a substitute for happiness and we should not eat it to make others happy.0 -
Also, after reading your responses to some other comments, I can’t help but wonder if maybe this isn’t your husband’s issue and not your own? My husband and I eat and exercise together but when it comes to going out to eat and meals with family he chooses what he wants. We can’t force other people to live the lives we want them to and you can’t force him to say no, unfortunately.0
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@Laura48593 that was so helpful, thank you! I think you’re right, a lot of it does come down to my husband making better choices and deciding how to handle his folks. Fortunately my parents are local and so we don’t really have to worry about a whole weekend (or longer) eating according to their schedule. And @bumbambi you made great points about just saying no to certain things. Hopefully they get the idea!
Thanks all for your insight!1 -
I've been using MFP for six years (about 1.5 actively losing and 4.5 maintaining so far). Obviously when I dropped over 100 lb, people knew I was doing something differently. But when it comes to extended family and eating together, I don't feel like my habits are that noticeable. I still eat "all" foods, pretty much. I just eat a little less and don't snack in between meals. I still have a portion of meat, veggies, even dessert, but usually skip extra stuff like bread or chips and dips. There is not a big need to explain anything to my extended family. I am also the type of person who likes junk...especially stuff like fudge and pie...but I'm pretty good at keeping it to ONE small portion, so it works out.0
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Eh, I really don't share unless someone asks & just adapt to whatever is going on. If we eat out, I just order salad or a grilled meat with veggies. If a homemade meal is unhealthy, I just eat a little bit of it & try to load up on whatever is the healthiest food available is (example: A large side of veggies). I really don't restrict too much on WHAT I eat.... it's all about portion size at that point! If someone notices, I just tell them I'm focusing on making healthy choices No one argues with that answer! It's hard to argue with "just trying to be healthy" lol 0
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This sounds just like my in-laws. My mother in law would show us how much she loved us by overloading us with "our favorites" when we came over. And would get offended if we didn't eat it all because then we didn't love her back. It took us a long time to slowly work on changing the habits.
My husband and I would start going overboard and praising the healthier items she made. So now she's marked the healthier dish as a favorite and makes it to make us happy. Also before each visit my husband will call a few times and say over and over "don't worry about the pizza or bagels, we are fine without that. What we would really love to do is make you guys these yummy omelets we've come to love." We made it about a positive we want to share the food we love kind of thing instead of a negative we don't eat that junk thing. But the food talk really did go over better coming from my husband. When it was me she wouldn't listen as well, haha.
I would also stop and get a fruit platter or veggie platter to bring over to have available for snacks. (I bring something everywhere because I feel bad showing up empty handed, I'm weird I know.) But after 3 times of bringing a fruit platter, now she buys one knowing we want that.
When we first started nothing really changed. So I would just take tiny portions for each item. I would share a bagel with my husband and only take one slice of pizza. I would even ask (if pressed to eat more) if I could take the bagels to go to freeze for later back home. This is actually how I discovered a yummy breakfast casserole we like: https://www.delish.com/cooking/recipe-ideas/recipes/a57263/everything-bagel-casserole-recipe/
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This sounds just like my in-laws. My mother in law would show us how much she loved us by overloading us with "our favorites" when we came over. And would get offended if we didn't eat it all because then we didn't love her back. It took us a long time to slowly work on changing the habits.
My husband and I would start going overboard and praising the healthier items she made. So now she's marked the healthier dish as a favorite and makes it to make us happy. Also before each visit my husband will call a few times and say over and over "don't worry about the pizza or bagels, we are fine without that. What we would really love to do is make you guys these yummy omelets we've come to love." We made it about a positive we want to share the food we love kind of thing instead of a negative we don't eat that junk thing. But the food talk really did go over better coming from my husband. When it was me she wouldn't listen as well, haha.
I would also stop and get a fruit platter or veggie platter to bring over to have available for snacks. (I bring something everywhere because I feel bad showing up empty handed, I'm weird I know.) But after 3 times of bringing a fruit platter, now she buys one knowing we want that.
When we first started nothing really changed. So I would just take tiny portions for each item. I would share a bagel with my husband and only take one slice of pizza. I would even ask (if pressed to eat more) if I could take the bagels to go to freeze for later back home. This is actually how I discovered a yummy breakfast casserole we like: https://www.delish.com/cooking/recipe-ideas/recipes/a57263/everything-bagel-casserole-recipe/
That is brilliant!!1
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