Really resistant partner...

superflashphoto
superflashphoto Posts: 30 Member
edited October 1 in Motivation and Support
So, here's my problem... my boyfriend is in the obese range. He's recently moved in with me, and one of his goals in moving in with me was to lose some weight. I got him to cut out pop (or soda, if you prefer), and in the first couple of weeks after moving in with me, he lost 10 pounds, just by doing that and having home cooked meals. But now he seems to have reached that plateau.

Here's my problems:
He's not incredibly motivated. I work long hours, and when I get home, he mostly just wants to spend time with me instead of going down to the gym - I try to get him to go to the gym during the day, but I know that doesn't always work.

He absolutely hates this site. I tell him of the benefits of tracking food/exercise, but he gets really frustrated because he says all the different entries for foods are so different, so how is he supposed to know exactly what he's eating (ie, when you look up grilled chicken, there are so many different options that come up that he gets frustrated with it)... He also says he doesn't like coming onto this site because when he starts to enter his food, he gets stressed, and that makes him want to eat. And thinking of all this food makes him want to eat too.

I keep telling him about the benefits of tracking food and being accountable, and knowing exactly how many calories are in the food you eat... but he wants nothing to do with it.

The compromise he proposed is for him to write down what he eats on a sheet of paper, and I'll enter it into the site for him...

What are your thoughts on what I should do? I don't want to fight with him about this, but I want to be able to help him!
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Replies

  • Mom2rh
    Mom2rh Posts: 612 Member
    My advice? Back off. Accept him as he is. Do what you need to do for YOU. But your nagging is not going to motivate him.
  • byHISstrength
    byHISstrength Posts: 984 Member
    When he reaches rock bottom, that's whenhe will want to make healthy changes. But it has got to be in his timing. We cannot change anyone.
  • FrenchMob
    FrenchMob Posts: 1,167 Member
    Wow, if this site stresses him out, I can't imagine what he does for a living. :noway:

    There's just some people you can't help. If he's putting up that much resistance, then he's not ready and you nagging him will only make things worse. Either accept him as is, or move along.
  • dakoerber
    dakoerber Posts: 308 Member
    Katie.. I do think you need to give him space. Unfortunately no matter what you do if he is not ready to get healthy he won't do it. I think you should continue to invite him to the gym but go if he doesn't want to. Your dedication is what motivated him in the first place and if you continue to do things like you were it should help. You can't be responsible for him.

    Keep making good meals, working out and encouraging him. He does have to find a way that works for him. Just because you log your food on this site doesn't mean it will work for him. Start small. Getting him to stop pop - awesome! You can't change him overnight. Try to be encouraging if he wants to go to the gym or do healthy things but don't push it to it. It already sounds like he is thinking about moving in a healthier direction just give him time.
  • polar5554
    polar5554 Posts: 576 Member
    That's a lot of extra work on your part...Especially when he's so resistant. Although your intentions are great, I just don'w know how MUCH effort you should put in if he's not 100 % committed.

    Having said that, IF you are willing...just create an account for him and do just that...enter his food into his diary FOR him...Maybe eventually, he will be on board and can takeover.

    Hope that helps.
  • danger_kitteh
    danger_kitteh Posts: 301 Member
    I would back off a bit personally and if he offered to write down what he ate in a notebook, that's a GREAT start. Even just seeing what he ate in a day will help him. Continue with good home cooked meals. Instead of asking to go to a gym, maybe go for a walk together - if after that you want to go to the gym then say I'm going to the gym, you're more than welcome to join me if you want. He may just do it because you're already out and doing something. The hardest step is the first one out the door.
  • jlewis2896
    jlewis2896 Posts: 763 Member
    Well, I think it's a good sign that he wants to compromise.

    Maybe you could do that for him, at least he will be writing down his food?! But don't do it for too long, he has to be PERSONALLY accountable. I think that if he gets used to you writing down the information for say, a week or two, he will possibly want to start doing it on his own if you say you no longer have time??

    Like previous posters said, he does need to want it for himself, but I think a positive support system will make it so much easier for him to begin.
  • Cokamo
    Cokamo Posts: 51
    He will do it when he is motivated to do it. Keeping after him about it may actually be pushing him away from it. Just let it go and take care of yourself. Think of how you would feel if the situation was reversed and it was him after you to loose weight...I'd be ticked if my husband did that to me. Love him like he is, let it be and when he's ready, he will do it w/out being pushed. If he's lost 10lbs just by cutting back a little and having home cooked meals, maybe that will continue and how good he feels from it will motivate him.
  • peteb79
    peteb79 Posts: 386
    I agree with most of the posts here.. give him space. I know if my wife nagged me I probably wouldn't want to do it..

    However, you could try providing some sort of motivation.. my wife said I could buy a new motorcycle when I drop 100... (its unrealistic and I know that.. ).. But it was enough to get me started, and now I have found other motivation.. I really would love do some kind of mud run or marathon or any kind of run.. but am not in shape to do it.. yet.
  • superflashphoto
    superflashphoto Posts: 30 Member
    @Mom2rh

    I know, I've thought about that too - but he's ASKED me to do this for him. He wants to lose weight, but he doesn't know how to do it. He was really upset because he had been living at home and trying to eat better, but his dad was always sabotaging him, bringing in high fat/high caloric foods... so I've tried to cut these types foods completely out of my cupboards, and introduce him to fresh foods and such...

    I've never *really* struggled with weight (I'm 5'3 and I've been in the 110-125 range since high school), so I don't really understand what it feels like to him.

    I guess that's more what I need advice on - how to motivate him without nagging. I completely accept him as he is, and I'm totally in love with him... but since he's entrusted me with helping him to lose weight, I need to know how to do this in a supportive way.
  • CraftyGirl4
    CraftyGirl4 Posts: 571 Member
    I would not be the one entering in food for someone else. It's his life, and if he's not accountable, he's never going to stick with it.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    People need to realize that losing weight and getting in shape is a personal journey and you can't make someone do something that person doesn't want to do.

    Yes, he SAID he wants to, but his actions say he's not ready.

    Leave him alone.
  • mamaDaisyJ
    mamaDaisyJ Posts: 395
    My first thought ~ if you are both working on a healthy lifestyle, and he just wants to hang out with you when you get off, go for a walk or head to the gym together. I read an article recently that found married couples that worked out together had better relationships. Not just go to the gym and go their separate ways... but the ones that spot weights, play racketball, or chit chat on neighboring treadmills. It's like even more supportive, and you find you enjoy it more with your partner.

    As far as logging calories, if you don't mind entering it for him, go for it. He can also read the labels himself and write his calorie count in his handy dandy notebook and still keep track himself without using the site. It can be intimidating to some. I find it easier though, all that dang math!~
  • rosie38c
    rosie38c Posts: 25 Member
    i think the saying is you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink...

    I'd back off him completely, what works for one person doesn't always work for others, keep cooking nice healthy meals and he'll benefit from what you're doing, plus the more fantastic you look the more motivated he may become :)

    And am i the only person who thinks sex is great exercise.. surely that's the benefit of him having moved in with you :)...lol although not sure what you would register it as :)

    good luck anyway x
  • ArroganceInStep
    ArroganceInStep Posts: 6,239 Member
    My advice? Back off. Accept him as he is. Do what you need to do for YOU. But your nagging is not going to motivate him.

    Agree. Find ways to help that don't make you the 'bad guy'. If he wants to spend time with you when you get home try to join an activity together. Dancing, hiking, going to the gym, couples luge, whatever you guys enjoy that's also active. To a very big extent the drive and motivation for a lifestyle change has to come within, and the problem you run with trying to push someone is that you run the risk of making your reinforcement negative. Be positive and supportive when he does things that are good for himself, but don't necessarily come down on him or nag if he falters.

    Good luck!
  • parvy123
    parvy123 Posts: 206 Member
    I have the same problem but I have had to accept that he won't do it until he is ready. I have been obese my whole adult life and part of the reason I got this way is was in response to my whole family constantly nagging me to eat less, even when I wasn't even that fat! It took me a long time to realise that I need to lose weight FOR ME and no-one else. So your bf will get there too one day.

    If he does want to lose weight but finds entering cals too much, and my hubby is the same, suggest that he simply eats whole foods, no junk, no pop, sugary foods and only eats when he is hungry, eats slowly and mindfully and stops when he is full. He can have the junk etc but in small amounts and infrequently. You'll see that the weight will simply fall off - because without thinking, he will be eating a lot fewer cals. Oh and drink LOTS of water.

    Hope that helps!
  • kimsciolino
    kimsciolino Posts: 240 Member
    Hello! First you cannot change someone only the can change themselves. You should just worry about you and once he sees how motivated you get and how good you feel he may then want to start making healthy decisions. If he is competitive maybe try making a game out of it. Like make a bet on who burns the most calories during an excersise or something? But I agree with a previous post, the more you keep pushing him the more you may push him away.
  • superflashphoto
    superflashphoto Posts: 30 Member
    @dakoerber

    Thanks for this... Maybe you're right, and I just need to give him some time.
    I think perhaps what I should do is continue to go to the gym (I've let it slack a bit, and let him "win" in just cuddling & spending time together after work... but if I insist on going to the gym, as was my routine before he moved in, maybe he'll come with me...

    And if he doesn't, then hopefully one day he'll start.
  • socialite1
    socialite1 Posts: 109
    Katie.. I do think you need to give him space. Unfortunately no matter what you do if he is not ready to get healthy he won't do it. I think you should continue to invite him to the gym but go if he doesn't want to. Your dedication is what motivated him in the first place and if you continue to do things like you were it should help. You can't be responsible for him.

    Keep making good meals, working out and encouraging him. He does have to find a way that works for him. Just because you log your food on this site doesn't mean it will work for him. Start small. Getting him to stop pop - awesome! You can't change him overnight. Try to be encouraging if he wants to go to the gym or do healthy things but don't push it to it. It already sounds like he is thinking about moving in a healthier direction just give him time.

    What she said...but the correct term is "soda" :wink:
  • fuhrmeister
    fuhrmeister Posts: 1,796 Member
    Try telling him why his health is important to you. I remind my husabnd that being healthy will help us concieve not to mention the posibility of having a better time in bed. I also try to go on walk together so we are spending quality time together and exercising.

    But in the end I agree with everyone else, the decision to change has to be his. Keep cooking good meals and stocking the house with healthy snacks. He will see your sucess and want to follow eventually.

    Best of luck to you!
  • starracer23
    starracer23 Posts: 1,011 Member
    ropes, handcuffs, maybe some duct tape - those should help. ;)
  • ibunnie
    ibunnie Posts: 14
    Hey there,

    I agree with the others that you should give him some space. The best gift my thin husband ever gave me, and continues giving me, is his love. Even when I outweighed him by almost 100 lbs! He never made comments about what I ate, never asked me to lose weight, and constantly told me and everyone else how beautiful I am.

    I see that you've lost some weight, and one thing that occurs to me is that, once we "get it," it's really hard not to try to bring others along for the ride. We see it as fun and encouraging; they see it as nagging. Took me a long time to understand that we have to let God work as uniquely in others as He works in ourselves. Your BF just might not be ready for the ride.

    Finally, a practical tip. My husband and I most often eat the same things. Maybe entering the common foods you eat, then making them available for him will help lessen his frustration.
  • fyfi_fendir
    fyfi_fendir Posts: 64 Member
    Sounds to me he is not really motivated yet. There is a point that we reach where we would do anything to loose weight and he is not there yet and you cannot force him. Which is why you will hear excuses after excuses. "doesn't work for me", "want to spend time with you" "too complicated to track food".
    My advice, give him the benefit of the doubt (for a while). Exercise together so he doesn't have excuses and fill the diary together. If he comes up with new excuses, just let it go. It means he has more internal work to do before he can change the external. It is his own journey and you cannot make it for him.

    Good luck!
  • catwrangler
    catwrangler Posts: 918 Member
    I would not be the one entering in food for someone else. It's his life, and if he's not accountable, he's never going to stick with it.
    Yeah, he wants a girlfriend, not a mother. Or does he? What else are you doing for him that he should be doing for himself? hmmmm.......
  • CaseyDiane
    CaseyDiane Posts: 22
    I have asked my husband for help several times and he is awful at helping me with what I need which is support to eat the way I know I should. If you don't make him desserts [this is what my husband does...I was on track all day yesterday and then last night he made FRESH strawberry short cake....UGGG] and just feed him healthy meals and then ask him to go on long romantic walks and drink lots of water...without constantly talking to him about his request, the weight should just slide off as long as he is not eating really poorly throughout the day. Good luck.

    Oh by the way being fat and wanting to change it but not the tools or people who understand or are supportive is really hard and frustrating and can make you feel really poorly about yourself. I am not saying you do this but for me I am constantly in a battle with myself everyday over everything.
  • superflashphoto
    superflashphoto Posts: 30 Member
    Thanks for the posts, everyone. You're all right and I should just back off of him, and just let him work it out for himself. I guess it's just bugging me because he put ME in charge of this. I keep telling him that he needs to want to do it for HIM, but he keeps telling me that he wants to do it for ME, so that we can grow old together and live a happy & healthy life...

    But for now, I'll just back off and do my own thing... and if he DOES write down what he eats in a notebook, I'll track it for him (he does have an account on here, and he was using it for a while, but he gave up on it pretty fast.).
  • racerchick48
    racerchick48 Posts: 23 Member
    I think he is aware and wanting to make changes, but he needs to make the decision to put the effort in. All of us on here have made that decision, and while quite a few of us (myself included) have a long ways to go, I remember that the first couple weeks were the absolute hardest. I still get frustrated with the 200 choices for chicken, but I've learned that it's only a small issue, compared to all the benefits I get from this site and the app. Like someone else said, though, this site may not work for everyone. If he's willing to write down what he eats, that is a great start, but he has to find a way to hold himself accountable. Maybe, for example, if he is eating something he could start measuring his portions or also writing down the calorie content of what he's eating? That way he can educate himself, not just eat whatever, have you put it in MAP and then be wondering why his calories are high or whatever.

    Keep inviting him to the gym, and try to find other activities you both enjoy. My hubby is a lot more likely to come swimming or for a bike ride with me, rather than getting up to hit the gym with me. In his mind, that kind of stuff isn't so much exercise because it's fun for us. But like other people have said, don't nag him, and when he does something that's good for him, offer some encouragement. And keep doing what you're doing, with working out and cooking good meals. Hopefully he will jump on board soon!
  • superflashphoto
    superflashphoto Posts: 30 Member
    ropes, handcuffs, maybe some duct tape - those should help. ;)

    Hahaha... I think I may have tried this approach already ;)
  • superflashphoto
    superflashphoto Posts: 30 Member
    I would not be the one entering in food for someone else. It's his life, and if he's not accountable, he's never going to stick with it.
    Yeah, he wants a girlfriend, not a mother. Or does he? What else are you doing for him that he should be doing for himself? hmmmm.......

    Haha, Oh man, trust me, he does more for me than I do for him... He makes my coffee & lunch for me every day, does all the laundry and the cleaning while I'm at work (FYI, he's actually from the USA, living with me in Canada, so he can't work... so he's at home doing all the housework while I'm at work)... so, no, I'm definitely not a mother to him ;)
  • superflashphoto
    superflashphoto Posts: 30 Member
    Hey there,

    I agree with the others that you should give him some space. The best gift my thin husband ever gave me, and continues giving me, is his love. Even when I outweighed him by almost 100 lbs! He never made comments about what I ate, never asked me to lose weight, and constantly told me and everyone else how beautiful I am.

    I see that you've lost some weight, and one thing that occurs to me is that, once we "get it," it's really hard not to try to bring others along for the ride. We see it as fun and encouraging; they see it as nagging. Took me a long time to understand that we have to let God work as uniquely in others as He works in ourselves. Your BF just might not be ready for the ride.

    Finally, a practical tip. My husband and I most often eat the same things. Maybe entering the common foods you eat, then making them available for him will help lessen his frustration.

    This was really helpful - thank you!
    We do, more often than not, eat the same food, so what I've done on some nights is just entered the recipe on my account, and let him copy and paste the nutritional info onto his account so that he didn't have to enter the entire recipe again.

    I think I will just encourage him by loving him and let that be it :)
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