When food comes between a marriage
sarahsmart88
Posts: 84
So I have been on the path to clean eating for a while now, and have completely changed my lifestyle. I quit smoking, stopped eating junk, started exercising, and have lost about 50 pounds. The problem is, as I become healthier, my husband stays unhealthy. He did quit smoking with me, but he constantly eats candy and fatty fast food.
It's gotten to the point where watching him eat grosses me out and it's really a turn off. McDonalds breath is never attractive in my opinion. And we've talked and he has no intention of being healthier cause in his mind he is enjoying his food and therefore enjoying his life. But how do I convince him that he will live a longer, happier life if he is healthier?
This is especially hard since I have decided to become vegan. I just barely started, but I know I no longer want to eat meat. I don't want food to tear up my marriage, but I'm starting to see that it already is =/
Any advice?
It's gotten to the point where watching him eat grosses me out and it's really a turn off. McDonalds breath is never attractive in my opinion. And we've talked and he has no intention of being healthier cause in his mind he is enjoying his food and therefore enjoying his life. But how do I convince him that he will live a longer, happier life if he is healthier?
This is especially hard since I have decided to become vegan. I just barely started, but I know I no longer want to eat meat. I don't want food to tear up my marriage, but I'm starting to see that it already is =/
Any advice?
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Replies
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Couples should be able to grow as people together.
Maybe you should try to have a talk with him about what makes you want to change for the better and some things you've learned along the way. Ask him what he thinks about those things and if he could try to put in more effort to making this something you do together.0 -
There are so many things that you can't avoid in marriage, and having different ideas about things is one of them. You have to decide if you love him more than the food annoys you, and then if the answer is yes you have to let it go. If not then go for it, nag him, and tell him it horrifies you and tell him he is not doing as well as you... but it won't end well for you. Just like he can't make choices for you, you can't make them for him.0
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he's a marine he can eat what he damn well pleases0
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I don't really have any advice. Just support. We're here for you.0
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you're his wife, not his mom. i know you want him the best for his health, but if he's not convinced, then you need to do what's best for you and let him eat as he will. if my husband gradually went vegan and expected me to do the same, i would be a bit miffed, because that is simply not my style. this sounds tricky - best of luck to you!0
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Marriages end when someone changes and the other person doesn't either a) accept that change or b) change with them IMO.
You can't force your husband to change, if he wants to - great he will, but forcing him just won't work. I'm sure he's proud of you and the changes you've made - so in a way he's b) accepting your change - which is good!
My husband still drinks beer every night - and his beer breath is a turn off, but I used to drink with him - I'm the one who quit, I can't ask him to quit to. This is my change.
I've changed my diet - and adapted food/eating habits that he's picked up on - but I didn't or couldn't just tell him, "hey baby, it's all salads from now on".0 -
It took me approx 12 or 13 yrs before I finally got back in sync with my wife. She quit smoking and I resisted, she started eating better (or at least trying) and I resisted. I finally just cuaght up eventually. You can lead by example but don't expect to change someone; it'll happen for him when it happens. The only real question is - do you have the patience to wait that long...0
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you're his wife, not his mom. i know you want him the best for his health, but if he's not convinced, then you need to do what's best for you and let him eat as he will.0
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Food shouldn't come between you. My wife's a chocaholic, but I love her as much as I ever did and besides, she's not having a go at me for being a helth/fitness freak.0
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You cannot change him. If and when he is ready for a change, it has to be his decision, nobody elses.0
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It's HARD. I had the same issue, and still do in some ways. My husband HATES working out, and spends lots of time on the laptop, or lying on the couch watching TV. He used to eat terribly (same as yours, lots of candy, fatty foods), but eats better now, and has even lost about 25 lbs. watching his diet.
I used to tell him (especially after we had kids) that it really bothered me that he wasn't healthier because he promised to be there for me FOREVER, and that included our old age -- what if he wasn't around after 50? After 60? I didn't wanna be alone.
Then when we had 2 boys, I kept saying "we gotta keep up with them." He didn't wanna hear it -- all he said he heard when I said those things was criticism.
Now he's making great efforts, but nothing I did or said changed him. The only time he started to do things differently (unfortunately for my frustration, fortunately for the overall outcome) was when he started having sleep apnea and acid reflux. Once 2 of his 3 favorite things were compromised (FOOD and SLEEP), he was frustrated enough to change things.
He'll never work out with me, though. And I sometimes mourn the fact that we'll never share a love of moving and being outdoors... The plus side is, running has become all about ME, something I need with 2 kids and full time job! And my kids love both, so he has warmed up to it a little bit, at least to play with them.
Hang in there.0 -
I'm sure I don't have to tell you that a marriage requires work... from both partners! You need to find out from him if he's willing to do his part. Compromise is the secret to every long-lasting marriage.. as long as both partners are compromising!! If only one of the partners is doing all the compromising, the marriage will never last.
You need to find out from your husband how much he is willing to compromise! And you need to ask yourself how much you are willing to compromise. And then you meet somewhere in the middle. And if you can do that, then everything else will work itself out.
Good luck!!0 -
Oh, and for what it's worth (and this may convince him) - EVERYTHING is better now that we do all this eating, preparing menus, excersizing together. And by EVERYTHING I mean 'EVERYTHING" is better ! 0
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Look at your relationship and feelings honestly. Is it really the eating habits or is it just a part of a bigger problem/issue. (Speaking from experience 0
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The transition (or decision to stay in) the Sevice is always huge especially if your talking about after a first enlistment. (you didn't say). I've seen alot of the guys endulging every food whim just before they get out, just because they can. I can't, and never would speak for your husband, but its entirely possible that once he leaves the Service, and all that crap food without the Military to force him to work out will start to make him unhappy, bigger than he wants to be, and kinda sick with himself. He may come around on his own. Of course theres always those guys who really blow up, and can't seem to get it back. My husband was one, he topped out at 290 several years after he left the Army. It never made him happy, though, he hated himself for it.If he's the kind of man who's open to a discussion about this, it may be worth having.0
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Its very difficult when married couples begin to feel a world apart from each other because of their differences in the way they live their life. Its important they stay relatively on the same path in life so they can continue to have a connection with each other.
Some of you aren't being very supportive or understanding of how she must be feeling right now.
Within a few months of me becoming vegan my boyfriend became vegan too. I didn't make him. When people are in sync with each other, you are into what the other is doing and want to be part of most of the things they do and the way that they are.
When you are not in sync in that way, it makes you feel bad about things.
I know. I've been there in my past marriage--with other things, but still, it sucked. Its not easy.0 -
There are so many things that you can't avoid in marriage, and having different ideas about things is one of them. You have to decide if you love him more than the food annoys you, and then if the answer is yes you have to let it go. If not then go for it, nag him, and tell him it horrifies you and tell him he is not doing as well as you... but it won't end well for you. Just like he can't make choices for you, you can't make them for him.
I completely agree. You married him for who he is, not what he eats. Remember we all have to make up our minds for ourselves. He will not stop eating junk food FOR YOU. When he decides, it will be for himself. Just as you have for yourself. Nagging him to be healthier because you decided to finally get on the band wagon isnt' going to help your marriage.0 -
first, he HAS TO KNOW that eating crapdonalds and other sugary crap is NOT going to help him live longer/healthier. I doubt there is any adult with any modicum of a brain who believes crapdonalds is a healthy eating style. However, like millions of Americans, he probably doesn't want to openly admit this because he's not willing or able to give up/limit crapdonalds.
Unfortunately, he has to be the one to make up his mind to change his lifestyle. I don't know how to suggest helping him get to that point. I know that nagging didn't/doesn't work with me and it probably doesn't work with a lot of folks. If its something you perceive as a deal breaker in your marriage, then you should probably tell him that and see if it serves as a wake-up call for him to act. Otherwise, you might write him a letter about how eating healthy makes you feel. Maybe it will help him.
I wasn't in a much different place in 2009/2010. In November 2009, my wife decided it was time to lose weight and get healthy. She started WW and rocked it...getting to her goal in roughly April 2010. She asked me to join her on her journey and I didn't. I didn't have the right motivation and the nagging bothered me (I'm stubborn, you see). In summer 2010, I did give WW a try and lost 15 pounds in 2 months. However, I started getting halfass about it and had a few bad days in a row (eating wise). My wife made a few negative comments and that was enough to swing my delicate mindset out of whack and sent me back to poor eating full time...with me gaining back the 15 pounds plus a few. It wasn't until around Thanksgiving 2010 that I decided enough was enough and that I needed to make some changes FOR ME...that it couldn't be only about weight loss, but it had to be about being healthier...that being healthier would mean the most for my family and for me. Of course, I knew I couldn't start around the holidays so I started Jan. 23 and have lost 50 pounds so far this year. My mindset is still rocking and I'm loving the healthier me.0 -
You have to decide if you love him more than the food annoys you, and then if the answer is yes you have to let it go.
This. Like others have said, he has accepted the choices you have made so you have to decide if you can live with the choices he has made/makes.
This is a tough one. Good luck to you.
Best wishes 0 -
It is sad to think that food is all you had in common. I feel that just because I have decided to become healthy that my husband has to also. If I all of a sudden became vegan and expected my husband who is a rancher, and a hunter to become vegan I am sure we would have problems also. Respect your husband for the man he is not the man you want him to be. He has not changed you have but we can't push our choices on others. I fix healthier meals now and my husband is eating healthier at home. But I would never try and make him a vegan.0
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That's so tough. I started eating healthier and exercising 6x a week about four months ago. My husband is a chef and didn't start right away, but he did start changing his diet a bit. He kind of had to because we eat dinner together every night. Does your husband get a separate dinner than you? Maybe you can try compromising a bit on food...making dishes that sound yummy to him but with healthier ingredients. Like maybe he would really like a homemade black bean veggie burger and sweet potato fries more than he would even enjoy McDonalds. He won't know until he tries it. Eventually my husband has gotten more on board with me, but it was on his own. I never forced him to exercise because I know that if he was the one trying to get me to exercise at the start of this process it would have made me resent him. You want it to be of their own volition, you know? It won't work any other way...you just have to want to make those changes for yourself, not for anyone else, even your spouse!!0
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Thank you, I think that is some of the best advice I've heard. I'm not trying to force change, and I don't want to be that nagging wife. I just needed to hear that change is possible, I suppose. I need to be patient. Thanks for the support.0
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After 19 years of marriage, the only advice I can give is this... :flowerforyou:
If the McDonald's breath really bothers you:sick: , let him know kisses/etc are an after brushing/flossing/mouth washing occurrence... (Guys generally like smooches:smooched: , so he will likely do this if you say... repeatedly... "I would love to kiss you babe
, but could you freshen up first, it kinda turns me off:brokenheart: " (guys do NOT like to know that something they are doing could infringe on their smooches!!):laugh:
The decision to eat healthier IS his... this does NOT mean you don't have some influence.... If it is YUMMY, they will eat it... Don't try to "make" him a vegan... he's not made that choice... but you can offer him lovely healthy additions to his sweet-eating/carnivore lifestyle... After TIME (not like a month... like a year or so) seeing your healthy wonderful attitude and lifestyle, he will consider change... (he may have already accepted some of the changes by then, as long as you offer them with love
(and sneakiness!) )
You can't change people, but your positive attitude, living a happy life yourself:happy: , and remembering you love him when he drives you crazy:explode: , will go a long way towards a happy life TOGETHER!!!
Good Luck!
With Friendship and Warmth from Missouri!
~ Sonia0 -
Oh, and for what it's worth (and this may convince him) - EVERYTHING is better now that we do all this eating, preparing menus, excersizing together. And by EVERYTHING I mean 'EVERYTHING" is better !
HAHA I will tell him that!! Thank you for the support !0 -
So I have been on the path to clean eating for a while now, and have completely changed my lifestyle. I quit smoking, stopped eating junk, started exercising, and have lost about 50 pounds. The problem is, as I become healthier, my husband stays unhealthy. He did quit smoking with me, but he constantly eats candy and fatty fast food.
It's gotten to the point where watching him eat grosses me out and it's really a turn off. McDonalds breath is never attractive in my opinion. And we've talked and he has no intention of being healthier cause in his mind he is enjoying his food and therefore enjoying his life. But how do I convince him that he will live a longer, happier life if he is healthier?
This is especially hard since I have decided to become vegan. I just barely started, but I know I no longer want to eat meat. I don't want food to tear up my marriage, but I'm starting to see that it already is =/
Any advice?
Leave.Him.Alone.0 -
I know what you're going through although I have to admit I just got serious about MFP. My husband and I had a talk about fast food and junk and we both gave it up. I was the one that had a hard time of letting go of it but I also thought my health was way more important than a processed cheesburger. My kids don't want it anymore either I hope your marriage isn't all about what you eat...you should keep eating healthy for yourself though. He'll follow soon. Good luck! and great job 0
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he's a marine he can eat what he damn well pleases
That's the biggest load of crap I've ever heard. I understand getting home from war and craving something unhealthy, but making a lifestyle of unhealthy choices just because you serve your country is no excuse.0 -
I think you need to come to a realization that you are not in the “right” here. You have made a life choice and changed some of your ways. That’s great for you and commend you on making a choice that is right for you. However, you have no right to make, force or expect changes on any other person. You can advise why those changes were right for you and allow him to make his own decision bases on what he believes is right for him. When you married him you knew he was a smoker/fast food eater, etc and you accepted him for who he was. One can even argue that it is you that is no longer the same person he originally married. Food for thought (pun intended).0
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There are so many things that you can't avoid in marriage, and having different ideas about things is one of them. You have to decide if you love him more than the food annoys you, and then if the answer is yes you have to let it go. If not then go for it, nag him, and tell him it horrifies you and tell him he is not doing as well as you... but it won't end well for you. Just like he can't make choices for you, you can't make them for him.
I completely agree. You married him for who he is, not what he eats. Remember we all have to make up our minds for ourselves. He will not stop eating junk food FOR YOU. When he decides, it will be for himself. Just as you have for yourself. Nagging him to be healthier because you decided to finally get on the band wagon isnt' going to help your marriage.
I agree with some of the foregoing...but I think that if we aren't trying to improve ourselves then we are taking our spouse for granted. We are asking our spouse to love us IN SPITE of ourself...and I think that becomes unfair at some point. Sure, we marry someone for who he/she is...not for what they eat...but its easy to get married and start taking things for granted, including your health. I can tell you from personal experience that I AM A DIFFERENT PERSON WHEN I AM overweight, lethargic and lack energy....that is NOT the person my wife married and it was UNFAIR to HER that I let myself go as much as I did. Now that I'm basically at the same weight as when we met, I have loads more energy and am back to being the person she fell in love with. We are both much happier now.
Now, I'm not suggesting we have any obligation to become a fitness model or do extreme stuff. but, lots of folks let themselves go after marriage...and some do so to a point where they change.0 -
It sounds like youre trying to parent your husband.
If he enjoys the way hes eating, then leave him to it. You cant realistically expect someone to change to a clean vegan diet because you want them to. That sort of things got to come from himself0
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