When food comes between a marriage

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sarahsmart88
sarahsmart88 Posts: 84
in Motivation and Support
So I have been on the path to clean eating for a while now, and have completely changed my lifestyle. I quit smoking, stopped eating junk, started exercising, and have lost about 50 pounds. The problem is, as I become healthier, my husband stays unhealthy. He did quit smoking with me, but he constantly eats candy and fatty fast food.

It's gotten to the point where watching him eat grosses me out and it's really a turn off. McDonalds breath is never attractive in my opinion. And we've talked and he has no intention of being healthier cause in his mind he is enjoying his food and therefore enjoying his life. But how do I convince him that he will live a longer, happier life if he is healthier?

This is especially hard since I have decided to become vegan. I just barely started, but I know I no longer want to eat meat. I don't want food to tear up my marriage, but I'm starting to see that it already is =/

Any advice?
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Replies

  • Kristhin
    Kristhin Posts: 442 Member
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    Couples should be able to grow as people together.
    Maybe you should try to have a talk with him about what makes you want to change for the better and some things you've learned along the way. Ask him what he thinks about those things and if he could try to put in more effort to making this something you do together.
  • starwhisperer
    starwhisperer Posts: 367
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    There are so many things that you can't avoid in marriage, and having different ideas about things is one of them. You have to decide if you love him more than the food annoys you, and then if the answer is yes you have to let it go. If not then go for it, nag him, and tell him it horrifies you and tell him he is not doing as well as you... but it won't end well for you. Just like he can't make choices for you, you can't make them for him.
  • fatboypup
    fatboypup Posts: 1,873 Member
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    he's a marine he can eat what he damn well pleases
  • KendalBeee
    KendalBeee Posts: 2,269 Member
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    I don't really have any advice. Just support. We're here for you.
  • chanstriste13
    chanstriste13 Posts: 3,277 Member
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    you're his wife, not his mom. i know you want him the best for his health, but if he's not convinced, then you need to do what's best for you and let him eat as he will. if my husband gradually went vegan and expected me to do the same, i would be a bit miffed, because that is simply not my style. this sounds tricky - best of luck to you!
  • charityateet
    charityateet Posts: 576 Member
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    Marriages end when someone changes and the other person doesn't either a) accept that change or b) change with them IMO.

    You can't force your husband to change, if he wants to - great he will, but forcing him just won't work. I'm sure he's proud of you and the changes you've made - so in a way he's b) accepting your change - which is good!

    My husband still drinks beer every night - and his beer breath is a turn off, but I used to drink with him - I'm the one who quit, I can't ask him to quit to. This is my change.

    I've changed my diet - and adapted food/eating habits that he's picked up on - but I didn't or couldn't just tell him, "hey baby, it's all salads from now on".
  • winstonh
    winstonh Posts: 48
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    It took me approx 12 or 13 yrs before I finally got back in sync with my wife. She quit smoking and I resisted, she started eating better (or at least trying) and I resisted. I finally just cuaght up eventually. You can lead by example but don't expect to change someone; it'll happen for him when it happens. The only real question is - do you have the patience to wait that long...
  • MelissaL582
    MelissaL582 Posts: 1,422 Member
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    you're his wife, not his mom. i know you want him the best for his health, but if he's not convinced, then you need to do what's best for you and let him eat as he will.
  • russelljclarke
    russelljclarke Posts: 836 Member
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    Food shouldn't come between you. My wife's a chocaholic, but I love her as much as I ever did and besides, she's not having a go at me for being a helth/fitness freak.
  • Bailey543
    Bailey543 Posts: 375
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    You cannot change him. If and when he is ready for a change, it has to be his decision, nobody elses.
  • TinaDay1114
    TinaDay1114 Posts: 1,328 Member
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    It's HARD. I had the same issue, and still do in some ways. My husband HATES working out, and spends lots of time on the laptop, or lying on the couch watching TV. He used to eat terribly (same as yours, lots of candy, fatty foods), but eats better now, and has even lost about 25 lbs. watching his diet.

    I used to tell him (especially after we had kids) that it really bothered me that he wasn't healthier because he promised to be there for me FOREVER, and that included our old age -- what if he wasn't around after 50? After 60? I didn't wanna be alone.

    Then when we had 2 boys, I kept saying "we gotta keep up with them." He didn't wanna hear it -- all he said he heard when I said those things was criticism.

    Now he's making great efforts, but nothing I did or said changed him. The only time he started to do things differently (unfortunately for my frustration, fortunately for the overall outcome) was when he started having sleep apnea and acid reflux. Once 2 of his 3 favorite things were compromised (FOOD and SLEEP), he was frustrated enough to change things. :wink:

    He'll never work out with me, though. And I sometimes mourn the fact that we'll never share a love of moving and being outdoors... The plus side is, running has become all about ME, something I need with 2 kids and full time job! And my kids love both, so he has warmed up to it a little bit, at least to play with them.

    Hang in there.
  • TruckerChick
    TruckerChick Posts: 263
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    I'm sure I don't have to tell you that a marriage requires work... from both partners! You need to find out from him if he's willing to do his part. Compromise is the secret to every long-lasting marriage.. as long as both partners are compromising!! If only one of the partners is doing all the compromising, the marriage will never last.

    You need to find out from your husband how much he is willing to compromise! And you need to ask yourself how much you are willing to compromise. And then you meet somewhere in the middle. And if you can do that, then everything else will work itself out.

    Good luck!!
  • winstonh
    winstonh Posts: 48
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    Oh, and for what it's worth (and this may convince him) - EVERYTHING is better now that we do all this eating, preparing menus, excersizing together. And by EVERYTHING I mean 'EVERYTHING" is better ;) !
  • MamaJo150
    MamaJo150 Posts: 8 Member
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    Look at your relationship and feelings honestly. Is it really the eating habits or is it just a part of a bigger problem/issue. (Speaking from experience :wink:
  • butterflyinamber78
    butterflyinamber78 Posts: 49 Member
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    The transition (or decision to stay in) the Sevice is always huge especially if your talking about after a first enlistment. (you didn't say). I've seen alot of the guys endulging every food whim just before they get out, just because they can. I can't, and never would speak for your husband, but its entirely possible that once he leaves the Service, and all that crap food without the Military to force him to work out will start to make him unhappy, bigger than he wants to be, and kinda sick with himself. He may come around on his own. Of course theres always those guys who really blow up, and can't seem to get it back. My husband was one, he topped out at 290 several years after he left the Army. It never made him happy, though, he hated himself for it.If he's the kind of man who's open to a discussion about this, it may be worth having.
  • Kristhin
    Kristhin Posts: 442 Member
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    Its very difficult when married couples begin to feel a world apart from each other because of their differences in the way they live their life. Its important they stay relatively on the same path in life so they can continue to have a connection with each other.

    Some of you aren't being very supportive or understanding of how she must be feeling right now.

    Within a few months of me becoming vegan my boyfriend became vegan too. I didn't make him. When people are in sync with each other, you are into what the other is doing and want to be part of most of the things they do and the way that they are.

    When you are not in sync in that way, it makes you feel bad about things.

    I know. I've been there in my past marriage--with other things, but still, it sucked. Its not easy.
  • sabo1974
    sabo1974 Posts: 12
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    There are so many things that you can't avoid in marriage, and having different ideas about things is one of them. You have to decide if you love him more than the food annoys you, and then if the answer is yes you have to let it go. If not then go for it, nag him, and tell him it horrifies you and tell him he is not doing as well as you... but it won't end well for you. Just like he can't make choices for you, you can't make them for him.

    I completely agree. You married him for who he is, not what he eats. Remember we all have to make up our minds for ourselves. He will not stop eating junk food FOR YOU. When he decides, it will be for himself. Just as you have for yourself. Nagging him to be healthier because you decided to finally get on the band wagon isnt' going to help your marriage.
  • H_Factor
    H_Factor Posts: 1,722 Member
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    first, he HAS TO KNOW that eating crapdonalds and other sugary crap is NOT going to help him live longer/healthier. I doubt there is any adult with any modicum of a brain who believes crapdonalds is a healthy eating style. However, like millions of Americans, he probably doesn't want to openly admit this because he's not willing or able to give up/limit crapdonalds.

    Unfortunately, he has to be the one to make up his mind to change his lifestyle. I don't know how to suggest helping him get to that point. I know that nagging didn't/doesn't work with me and it probably doesn't work with a lot of folks. If its something you perceive as a deal breaker in your marriage, then you should probably tell him that and see if it serves as a wake-up call for him to act. Otherwise, you might write him a letter about how eating healthy makes you feel. Maybe it will help him.

    I wasn't in a much different place in 2009/2010. In November 2009, my wife decided it was time to lose weight and get healthy. She started WW and rocked it...getting to her goal in roughly April 2010. She asked me to join her on her journey and I didn't. I didn't have the right motivation and the nagging bothered me (I'm stubborn, you see). In summer 2010, I did give WW a try and lost 15 pounds in 2 months. However, I started getting halfass about it and had a few bad days in a row (eating wise). My wife made a few negative comments and that was enough to swing my delicate mindset out of whack and sent me back to poor eating full time...with me gaining back the 15 pounds plus a few. It wasn't until around Thanksgiving 2010 that I decided enough was enough and that I needed to make some changes FOR ME...that it couldn't be only about weight loss, but it had to be about being healthier...that being healthier would mean the most for my family and for me. Of course, I knew I couldn't start around the holidays so I started Jan. 23 and have lost 50 pounds so far this year. My mindset is still rocking and I'm loving the healthier me.
  • Sweetcheeks278
    Sweetcheeks278 Posts: 356
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    You have to decide if you love him more than the food annoys you, and then if the answer is yes you have to let it go.

    This. Like others have said, he has accepted the choices you have made so you have to decide if you can live with the choices he has made/makes.

    This is a tough one. Good luck to you. :) Best wishes
  • BGabbart
    BGabbart Posts: 173 Member
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    It is sad to think that food is all you had in common. I feel that just because I have decided to become healthy that my husband has to also. If I all of a sudden became vegan and expected my husband who is a rancher, and a hunter to become vegan I am sure we would have problems also. Respect your husband for the man he is not the man you want him to be. He has not changed you have but we can't push our choices on others. I fix healthier meals now and my husband is eating healthier at home. But I would never try and make him a vegan.

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