Healthy eaters living with non-healthy-eaters. The struggle is real!
Kimmotion5783
Posts: 417 Member
There have been quite a number of posts about the struggle of living with someone who eats "regular food" versus those of us who eat healthy. We love our loved ones, we know they mean well. There are good intentions behind the "treats" they bring us and of course we appreciate their thoughtfulness.
But it is a struggle when you have count calories, or keep track of macros/ nutrients. To everyone who has shared their story of this struggle, thank you for being so brave to speak your truth. I've dealt with this issue for a while now and it's nice to know I'm not alone in dealing with this. Truly, I feel better. It helps me to understand my loved one's position, as they try to understand me.
As someone who has struggled with food and weight issues her whole life, it's difficult for me to stop at "just one" serving. I know what am and am not capable of. I know the "trigger foods" that it's just better to avoid altogether. So-called "normal" people don't understand this because they don't have to deal with this issue. I don't begrudge them that, they are very lucky. But it can be really tough to get them to understand the concept of avoiding certain foods because it becomes a problem.
So to everyone who has shared your story- thank you! You definitely helped someone out there by sharing your story.
But it is a struggle when you have count calories, or keep track of macros/ nutrients. To everyone who has shared their story of this struggle, thank you for being so brave to speak your truth. I've dealt with this issue for a while now and it's nice to know I'm not alone in dealing with this. Truly, I feel better. It helps me to understand my loved one's position, as they try to understand me.
As someone who has struggled with food and weight issues her whole life, it's difficult for me to stop at "just one" serving. I know what am and am not capable of. I know the "trigger foods" that it's just better to avoid altogether. So-called "normal" people don't understand this because they don't have to deal with this issue. I don't begrudge them that, they are very lucky. But it can be really tough to get them to understand the concept of avoiding certain foods because it becomes a problem.
So to everyone who has shared your story- thank you! You definitely helped someone out there by sharing your story.
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Replies
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I'm gonna go against the grain here and say I don't appreciate the "thoughtfulness."
If someone was being thoughtful they wouldn't bring me stuff I don't want that I can't resist that will make me feel horrible for eating.
I encourage everyone to set boundaries with loved ones, because people who love you should listen to you when you explain your needs, not just ignore you and give you what THEY think you need.
They don't have to understand to respect your wishes.18 -
I'm gonna go against the grain here and say I don't appreciate the "thoughtfulness."
If someone was being thoughtful they wouldn't bring me stuff I don't want that I can't resist that will make me feel horrible for eating.
I encourage everyone to set boundaries with loved ones, because people who love you should listen to you when you explain your needs, not just ignore you and give you what THEY think you need.
They don't have to understand to respect your wishes.
I tend to agree with this take, especially if it's been specifically discussed with them before. A person doesn't need to "understand" in order to support. Even if they don't have the same need to control eating like you do, they can still be respectful of it and do their part to support you in it, especially after you educate them on how they can provide that support.2 -
So, I'm going to take the opposite point of view. I don't know anyone's situation other than mine. However, after 18 years of marriage, I have learned the candies and treats that my wife enjoys. For years, I have picked these up for her whenever I find them. It's a way to show her that I think about her when I'm out and about as well as a way to let her know that I know what she likes (as in, I've been paying attention to her). Now a couple of months into her weight loss attempts I sometimes forget because I get so happy that I found one of her chosen treats. Then I take it home to her and remember that she probably doesn't want it. Sorry babe. No disrespect meant. I heard you say you didn't want these things but 2 months to overcome 18 years of thinking about you and getting you these things is pretty hard to expect. Give me some time and I'll get better.
Sometimes people aren't being jerks or not listening to you. They just forget or have become conditioned to do certain things for you.24 -
So, I'm going to take the opposite point of view. I don't know anyone's situation other than mine. However, after 18 years of marriage, I have learned the candies and treats that my wife enjoys. For years, I have picked these up for her whenever I find them. It's a way to show her that I think about her when I'm out and about as well as a way to let her know that I know what she likes (as in, I've been paying attention to her). Now a couple of months into her weight loss attempts I sometimes forget because I get so happy that I found one of her chosen treats. Then I take it home to her and remember that she probably doesn't want it. Sorry babe. No disrespect meant. I heard you say you didn't want these things but 2 months to overcome 18 years of thinking about you and getting you these things is pretty hard to expect. Give me some time and I'll get better.
Sometimes people aren't being jerks or not listening to you. They just forget or have become conditioned to do certain things for you.
If you care, then find ways to remember. Or remember last minute and then put them away for a special occasion instead of just shrugging and giving them anyway.
I know you're not being deliberately disrespectful or mean, but you need to step up your game for people you love sometimes.11 -
So, I'm going to take the opposite point of view. I don't know anyone's situation other than mine. However, after 18 years of marriage, I have learned the candies and treats that my wife enjoys. For years, I have picked these up for her whenever I find them. It's a way to show her that I think about her when I'm out and about as well as a way to let her know that I know what she likes (as in, I've been paying attention to her). Now a couple of months into her weight loss attempts I sometimes forget because I get so happy that I found one of her chosen treats. Then I take it home to her and remember that she probably doesn't want it. Sorry babe. No disrespect meant. I heard you say you didn't want these things but 2 months to overcome 18 years of thinking about you and getting you these things is pretty hard to expect. Give me some time and I'll get better.
Sometimes people aren't being jerks or not listening to you. They just forget or have become conditioned to do certain things for you.
If you care, then find ways to remember. Or remember last minute and then put them away for a special occasion instead of just shrugging and giving them anyway.
I know you're not being deliberately disrespectful or mean, but you need to step up your game for people you love sometimes.
That is a fair more judgmental than I think it should be. "If you care" and "step up your game for the people you love" over a habit that will be broken soon enough?
Also, at the beginning of an effort to change there can be some wisdom in removing or avoiding certain things until we get our feet underneath us but eventually we will have to develop tools to deal with temptation.
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I'm struggling with Easter because I have trouble moderating chocolate but can't bring myself to deprive my husband or children. We're lovingly being given chocolate by every relative so there is a huge amount in the house. I'm pretending it's not a struggle each evening when I'm tired and leaving the room when it's opened. I've tried to explain that I can't just have a little bit and go back days later but I can't explain that to every relative without sounding like I have an eating disorder. Sometimes it seems like a huge struggle to just act normal.2
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And in the case of my husband bringing me home treats- I just ask that he verbally tells me first that he has some of xxx if I want to make room for it in my calories the next day. If I see it (especially if I'm hungry) it's ten times harder to resist but in general the strategy of "I thought you might like to plan some of these in" is appreciated more than "look at this pudding I bought for tonight" (even though you've planned all your meals for today already).2
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So, I'm going to take the opposite point of view. I don't know anyone's situation other than mine. However, after 18 years of marriage, I have learned the candies and treats that my wife enjoys. For years, I have picked these up for her whenever I find them. It's a way to show her that I think about her when I'm out and about as well as a way to let her know that I know what she likes (as in, I've been paying attention to her). Now a couple of months into her weight loss attempts I sometimes forget because I get so happy that I found one of her chosen treats. Then I take it home to her and remember that she probably doesn't want it. Sorry babe. No disrespect meant. I heard you say you didn't want these things but 2 months to overcome 18 years of thinking about you and getting you these things is pretty hard to expect. Give me some time and I'll get better.
Sometimes people aren't being jerks or not listening to you. They just forget or have become conditioned to do certain things for you.
If you care, then find ways to remember. Or remember last minute and then put them away for a special occasion instead of just shrugging and giving them anyway.
I know you're not being deliberately disrespectful or mean, but you need to step up your game for people you love sometimes.
Interesting, I could see that statement as easily coming into conflict with the idea:
One of the ways we become better - "up our game" - is actually when people don't exactly respect our boundaries and gives us what they think we need, rather than what we say we want.I encourage everyone to set boundaries with loved ones, because people who love you should listen to you when you explain your needs, not just ignore you and give you what THEY think you need.
I think that's where that having someone understand you following your statements is the practical aspect of having someone with an actual inner cognitive life over something more robotic where behaviors and intentions are indistinguishable. Once a person understands your goals, there are times they'll be the ones to know what you need rather than what you want because they're viewing things from a less biased position.2 -
My situation is a little different. I live upstairs in a home owned by my mother and stepfather. She's elderly and disabled and I'm here (and can't just pick up and leave) because she needs me. Basically I'm stuck here for the time being. And since we share a kitchen, I'm constantly confronted with mounds of junk and sweets every time I walk in there because they both have a massive sweet tooth. Which is fine...I don't begrudge her having her treats. They're one of the few things she can still enjoy. And I don't think they should have to give up their cookies, cakes, ice cream, pizza, etc. because of me. On the other hand, being a food addict in this house is like an alcoholic living above a liquor store. It's a constant challenge. I've solved a lot of it by installing a mini fridge upstairs, a cabinet for dry goods and spices and doing as much of my food preparation up here as I can. The rest of it, I just deal with. Keto has helped a lot with breaking the cycle. But it's still tough sometimes.7
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I'm struggling with Easter because I have trouble moderating chocolate but can't bring myself to deprive my husband or children. We're lovingly being given chocolate by every relative so there is a huge amount in the house. I'm pretending it's not a struggle each evening when I'm tired and leaving the room when it's opened. I've tried to explain that I can't just have a little bit and go back days later but I can't explain that to every relative without sounding like I have an eating disorder. Sometimes it seems like a huge struggle to just act normal.
I hear ya, it's the same way with me and cookies- at one point, things got so bad that I decided to give them up for Lent. Best thing I could have done for myself- 40 days and nights of no cookies, boom- problem is solved. It's not an eating disorder per se, but it's definitely a problem.0 -
ultra_violets wrote: »My situation is a little different. I live upstairs in a home owned by my mother and stepfather. She's elderly and disabled and I'm here (and can't just pick up and leave) because she needs me. Basically I'm stuck here for the time being. And since we share a kitchen, I'm constantly confronted with mounds of junk and sweets every time I walk in there because they both have a massive sweet tooth. Which is fine...I don't begrudge her having her treats. They're one of the few things she can still enjoy. And I don't think they should have to give up their cookies, cakes, ice cream, pizza, etc. because of me. On the other hand, being a food addict in this house is like an alcoholic living above a liquor store. It's a constant challenge. I've solved a lot of it by installing a mini fridge upstairs, a cabinet for dry goods and spices and doing as much of my food preparation up here as I can. The rest of it, I just deal with. Keto has helped a lot with breaking the cycle. But it's still tough sometimes.
You and I are in the same boat! As a live-in caregiver for my grandmother, I completely understand your situation, I don't begrudge her a thing on this Earth- at 92, she's earned it. But the struggle is so real sometimes! All she's interested in is fast food and junk food. Fine for her, but I can't really eat that. The challenge is that because she's in the mindset of a 5 year old, she wants us to both eat the same thing and she wants me to eat what she's eating. I have to say no if only for my own health and she has a temper tantrum. *sigh* dementia really sucks! The woman who has advocated my whole life to live healthy is now protesting my healthy foods and going to the gym! Go figure!7 -
I'm gonna go against the grain here and say I don't appreciate the "thoughtfulness."
If someone was being thoughtful they wouldn't bring me stuff I don't want that I can't resist that will make me feel horrible for eating.
I encourage everyone to set boundaries with loved ones, because people who love you should listen to you when you explain your needs, not just ignore you and give you what THEY think you need.
They don't have to understand to respect your wishes.
I agree with this for the most part, but in certain special circumstances like mine where the person has dementia and cannot remember, it is very difficult. I've tried on so many occasions to tell my grandmother why I can't eat that stuff, but can't seem to get through. And even if I could, she'd only forget it anyway and we'd be back at square one again. Dementia really sucks! The person in question is my grandmother whom I live with, so I kind of have to deal with it even though it's frustrating.
But yeah, for someone of a normal and sound mind, I agree with you that they should be supportive of our goals. If they really love you, they would help you be happy and healthy. A good partner should bring out the best in you.1 -
So, I'm going to take the opposite point of view. I don't know anyone's situation other than mine. However, after 18 years of marriage, I have learned the candies and treats that my wife enjoys. For years, I have picked these up for her whenever I find them. It's a way to show her that I think about her when I'm out and about as well as a way to let her know that I know what she likes (as in, I've been paying attention to her). Now a couple of months into her weight loss attempts I sometimes forget because I get so happy that I found one of her chosen treats. Then I take it home to her and remember that she probably doesn't want it. Sorry babe. No disrespect meant. I heard you say you didn't want these things but 2 months to overcome 18 years of thinking about you and getting you these things is pretty hard to expect. Give me some time and I'll get better.
Sometimes people aren't being jerks or not listening to you. They just forget or have become conditioned to do certain things for you.
^This is me. 27 years of marriage and I still grab that bag of Fritos because he loves them. And I love him. I suppose I try to compensate by suggesting we go for a walk or something. But old habits die hard...1 -
I can definitely relate to this discussion! I had to move out of my families house because they just didn’t get it lol. I tried to get them on my wave but they are old school Europeans who love bread and cheese haha1
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merdianaminic wrote: »I can definitely relate to this discussion! I had to move out of my families house because they just didn’t get it lol. I tried to get them on my wave but they are old school Europeans who love bread and cheese haha
There's nothing inherently unhealthy about bread and cheese, for example, unless you have a food allergy or medical reason for eliminating them from your diet. Failing that, as with *all* food, the quantity consumed may become an issue, but not the food itself.1 -
I'm sure the bread and cheese thing was probably just the tip of the iceberg for you to move out. Bread and cheese in small moderation isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it can easily be overdone. My grandmother does the same thing with italian food- she goes WAYYY overboard in terms of quantity. I try to stop her and say "it doesn't need that much!" She'll literally dump half if not the entire package into whatever we're making. And she'll get the "regular" full fat, highly processed version! It's frustrating!0
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Holy smokes, crossbar, you are definitely in my prayers. That is just awful. I am sorry to hear that you have to put up with that.0
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I live in a house with my sweet tooth hubby, my 20 year old college student son and my 17 year high school student son. While my 20 year old son likes to bake, my 17 year old son BAKES! I personally believe he will end up studying to be a pastry chef. Heck, he has a Pinterest account to collect recipes! He bakes several times a week and it is soooo hard to live in my house, trying to be true to my eating plan. I finally gave myself permission to have one cookie or a sliver of this or that once a day. I just reserve 100-200 calories a day (sometimes more, depending on whether I had a great workout that day) to eat his treats. We share his goodies with others too. For the most part, I do pretty well eating below my calorie goal or maintaining.1
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My struggles come from my job working with children and my co workers . I was a huge snacker. It was bad, I would only eat real meals about once a day. NO breakfast and eat on chips , crackers, cookies and other junk foods ALL DAY. It did not cross my mind as to how much damage this was doing to my body. I end up being 248lbs at 5”9 when I decided enough was enough . Long story short I’ve lost 46lbs so far and my co workers know this. They continue to offer me snacks almost everyday or even buy me big bags of chips or boxes of crackers. No matter how much I explain to them I can’t have just one serving and be okay, they don’t stop offfering! It’s CRAZY and now I have been eating one or two crackers here and there or even the whole sleeve and going way over the carbs and calories that I have been eating! I’m so disappointed in my self it’s so hard to say NO!0
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