Struggling with spouse not on board.
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jtp139
Posts: 4 Member
I am the heaviest and most unfit I have ever been. I've had a couple of physical set backs over the past 2 years. My life is chaos right now and I'm struggling to find the energy and time to manage my health. My husband has a sweet tooth but doesn't seem to gain weight so he just eats how he wants. We are both stressed. I am practically begging him not to bring junk food into the house but he'll just say things like "I won't eat it in front of you". I know he is stressed out. I know this is his comfort. I know I can't change his behavior. How do I do this? 
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Replies
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I hear ya!! Im in the exact same situation.....today is my day one and the house is still full of Easter candy and junk food that my husband and my daughter will be eating while im trying to get started. My husband also has a sweet tooth and eats whatever her wants and never gains....on the other hand when I do the same it gets me where i am today....overweight and unhappy....ill be following to see what others have done to overcome this situation...good luck to us lol!1
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My spouse is not on board either. I shop for my and her groceries, so I buy and bring home her treats. I get it. It's hard. Work on you. Weigh your food. Log your food. Count your calories. Learn to take care of yourself. The fact to remember is that you don't have any physiological sympathetic hormonal action going on that makes you want his junk food. You can do this for you.11
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He said he wouldn't eat it in front of you. That's a good compromise. I think you have to only worry about yourself and what you put in your own mouth. Find solutions for that which don't involve someone else's actions. It's entirely up to you what you eat.
With that said, when I'm under significant stress it makes food harder. We all are under stressful situations sometimes. I have to just keep working on solutions for the problem. That's all any of us can do - and it is an inside job. What a spouse does is his/her issue.
Are you getting any exercise? Exercise helps so much when dealing with stress. So does eating a nutritious food plan. Sweets and sugary things make my anxiety so much worse. Try exercise and limiting sweets, it may help you too.
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It sounds like you're going to have to do this without much help from your spouse, and that is OK (maybe not ideal). We can't expect to have 100% of our needs met by our spouse. That's not fair to them. -and temptations are everywhere - like at work for example, and we don't expect our colleagues to forgo treats at the office just because we are trying to improve our habits. First, I think you need to figure out a way to summon the motivation/willpower to do this without your husband by choosing small daily goals, and building on your successes. For example, maybe you can start by figuring out one or two healthy breakfast options that you will enjoy and meet a caloric breakfast goal. Buy the ingredients. Enjoy a healthy breakfast every day for a week. Enjoy this success. Then build on it. Consider snacks or lunch... One step at a time until you are eating healthy for the whole day, with a little treat built in, within daily caloric goals. You can build your confidence and self reliance this way with baby steps - so hopefully it will feel more manageable during this chaotic time in your life. Second, if your husband isn't going too be your primary fitness partner, and you feel you need support, maybe you can find support elsewhere - in one or in a variety of places. I enjoy reading these forums - and find support and motivation here. Perhaps you have a friend or family member who also wants to improve her health/fitness/eating habits. Maybe you can find an "accountability partner" on line, through a group like this one, or through Facebook, or other. So that's my advice. Take small steps (even though the situation isn't perfect now) and find another source of support (so you don't have to rely on your husband who isn't ready to take on this role now). Good luck!7
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In addition to not eating them in front of you, can he put them somewhere you don't usually look so you don't have to face them all the time? A cupboard somewhere or something.8
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This - a drawer that's his and his alone, "it's his drawer and I can't go into it" not great, but.... hopefully it helps.2 -
Honestly, I wouldn’t make him responsible for a single second of your weight loss goals. This is what you want for you, and he can cheerlead you without you making him feel like it’s his fault if you slip up. Just don’t eat it. I have kids and we stock Doritos and little Debbie’s and Oreos... and If I want one, I make sure it fits in my daily allowance. If I overeat, it is MY fault, not theirs. Just my opinion.14
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You do your thing and let your spouse do his thing. He’s not putting a gun to your head making you eat his stuff so what’s your problem? Are you doubtful of your ability to follow your plan because of being unable to resist temptation?3
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Its actually really empowering to finally realize that you can have complete control over this part of your life and nobody can take it away from you!16
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I asked my former partner to have a container for her crap. I made a promise to myself to never open that container. I never did. Before that, living with her was like living in a candy store.
We agreed that any of her crap seen outside the container was flushable.6 -
I don't think he is doing anything wrong here. It sounds like he is supportive of you, but you can't expect him to live the same lifestyle if he doesn't have the same need for it. Trying to force it on him would just create a rift and add more stress to your lives.
The suggestions that several others have given you about special drawers are hiding places for it is a good one. That, along with not eating it in front of you, are reasonable compromises that allow him to support you while still maintaining his comforts.
Ultimately we are all responsible for our own progress. Sometimes it is helpful to have a spouse on board, but I think I would be happy if my wife didn't need to worry about her weight and could just eat what she wants. She is in a similar boat to me, so sometimes that can be helpful, but I would much rather her be a healthy weight and have it be a bit harder for me.5 -
I am not mad at him. I am struggling I guess with being able to resist? I'm not sure. I'm just feeling like I'm facing a wall and that I am not strong enough. Thanks for the words.
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Relationships are tricky. What I had to do was buy lower calorie food that I really look forward to. Often in portion controlled packaging. That way I can opt for the alternative while he eats what he wants. I recognize that if I eat what he is eating, I am personally not able to control my portion sizes. He also knows which foods I have reserved for only me and doesn’t eat them so that I always have them available. Knowing my limitations has helped a lot. I keep a lot of frozen dinners on hand so that I can easily opt out of the shared family meal but we can all still sit together.
After a period of time I was able to find ways to reintroduce some higher calorie foods and make them work with my calorie goal.3 -
I am the heaviest and most unfit I have ever been. I've had a couple of physical set backs over the past 2 years. My life is chaos right now and I'm struggling to find the energy and time to manage my health. My husband has a sweet tooth but doesn't seem to gain weight so he just eats how he wants. We are both stressed. I am practically begging him not to bring junk food into the house but he'll just say things like "I won't eat it in front of you". I know he is stressed out. I know this is his comfort. I know I can't change his behavior. How do I do this?
Hey I too live with a spouse who still brings junk food in the house and says the same thing your spouse does, what is important for you to do is turn inward and have prepared healthy snacks to turn to when he has his unhealthy snacks. Remind yourself every day all day of your goals, when tempted to eat his snacks go for a walk to clear your head, get sugar free snacks, fruit, nuts to replace bad snacks.0 -
Be patient with him and tell him to eat fruit instead. Maybe even with vanilla ice cream. Or get a few sweet cereals for dessert, I'd rather have a bowl or cereal than cake. My husband loves sweets and tonight I told him no junk food and he still got cookies. I dont like what he likes so no temptation but I understand. My husband and son need to be on the same page. And the mostly are, we try to buy foods that are organic and have no artificial ingredients or too much sugar.0
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Ivr found that making my own snack box helps!
He can just go grab a chocolate bar or sweets or whatever he fancies. But what can you just go mindlessly grab like that?
Hence, the snack box.
So in your snack box, you can have carrot sticks, cucumber, celery (maybe a small pot of houmous to dip in!) any sort of fruit, low fat yoghurts, low calorie crackers (like Ryvitas) And have it all prepped in the fridge, so you can just go grab it! And have it pre-measured with what the cslories are with a sticky note or something.
So when my partner grabs something, and i think "oooh what can i have" i dont even need to LOOK. just straight to the fridge, and by having a variety it means i also have choice, so if i dont fancy yoghurt i can have the fruit instead!
Just make it easier for you to choose the right snack!
Its as easy as it is for him when he thinks, hmm should i have a Snickers or a Kitkat!2 -
Mine is lean and muscular and eats like a pig and never gains too, so I get that. He eats whatever he wants around me, though. I don't track macros, just CICO, so I can basically eat whatever I feel like so long as it suits my daily limit. Personally I find it damaging to your overall journey to deny yourself cravings. I think it can be a kind of conduit to ultimate failure. Everything in moderation, right? I have a little chocolate basically every day and I'm down from 250 to 196 since March 28th. Make it easy on yourself and don't deprive yourself of the things you love- just go a little easy on them.3
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Fill out your food diary for the whole day either the night before or first thing in the morning. I do 3 days ahead.1
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I think this is really common - my boyfriend can (and does) eat basically anything without getting chunky. (The man is HOT). It's why I've really started to make use of these forums, I'm grateful for a group of people that have the same goals I do. Yes - there's junk food in my house, I just don't eat it (it's HIS). I'll buy his favorites for him when I grocery shop. He's very active during the day and can handle it. I'm not going to torment him into eating only healthy foods. I haven't told my Mom that I've been really watching what I eat for the past few months and making an effort to lose weight - the reasoning? She will decide she's my self elected accountability partner and make me freakin INSANE! Which promptly makes me derail and decide that packing around a bit extra is fine by me. Mom is a health food/fitness freak.....and I like food & beer. It's just best we don't discuss weight issues. I think it works the same with spouses/boyfriends.2
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