insecure spouses

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  • rhodes2b
    rhodes2b Posts: 304 Member
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    The only part of this process that is new is the food. I have gone to the gym 4-6 times a week prior to meeting him. I have played volleyball prior to him as well. I don't even think my attitude has changed...I have always been cocky and arrogant ...lol

    I feel that I try to make him feel wanted. I try to attack him daily! hehehehe. I guess I will try again to bring him into this process.

    When this first started I explained that we would be eating differently. He eats similar meals... his is a larger serving and normally some type of carb. I invite him to hit the gym with me almost every week. He explained that he doesn't think he would be able to keep up. I think that is part of the issue... but when he met me I was in fantastic shape so this shouldn't be anything big.

    I will continue to try and find that "cookie" but I really want to bounce him out on his *kitten*. Thanks for letting me vent.
  • kicklikeaGIRL
    kicklikeaGIRL Posts: 867 Member
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    He just thinks that once you become this slender person that you will not love him because he is still over weight. If the shoe was on the other foot you might have the same insecurities. You might not verbalize them the same way but they would be there.

    Don't get mad at him...matter of fact take it as a compliment. My husband thinks that I'm so beautiful that I might leave him if another man tries to get my attention. Wow I must be looking good.

    I'm no marriage counselor but I've been with my husband for 13 years. Marriage isn't easy. You have to give a lot of yourself even when you don't think the other person is doing the same.

    My suggestion: Every time he brings that up I would walk up to him and look him dead in his eyes and say you know what I love you and give him a big fat kiss. Anything he says after the kiss regarding cheating I would put my earmuffs on. You know the problem isn't you. You know its him so lets try to help him get over his problem...not on your time though. You have to allow him to come around.

    My 2 cents. Good luck.

    I love this...and I had to laugh because when my husband started working out with me...he started seeing faster results than I did.....and I secretly got jealous. He dropped 10 pounds in 2 weeks of healthy eating and exercise (which he didn't necessarily NEEED to) and it took me 6 months to drop 10 pounds. Not going to lie...I didn't think it was fair. And while I never thought he would consider leaving me...I couldn't help but think of how everyone who looked at us as a couple would think "What in the world does that hott guy see in that chubby girl?" .... So, yes I think you are dead on in saying that sometimes we have to reflect on what we would do in our spouses' situation. Great point!!!
  • netter43
    netter43 Posts: 110 Member
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    I totally go through the same thing - I have lived with my boyfriend of 9 years...we have both been through bad divorces (cheated on) - I am totally faithful and decided after my father died of a sudden heart attack at age 67 this past August and also had adult onset diabetes and all the bad that goes with it, that it was time for me to get my rear in gear. I told my boyfriend 2 weeks before I started my journey 10/25/10 that I NEED to lose weight. I didn't feel good, look good, feel sexy, etc....Then one night he came bursting into the room where I was exercising and demanded to know why I was doing this "all of a sudden" and "who was the other guy" - I'm a 44 year old mom with graying hair and over 100 pounds to lose - HELLLLOOOO...it is not like I'm hitting the clubs every weekend - LOL...

    I finished my workout that night and went to him and told him.....I am doing this for me to be healthier and feel better and I thought that we could do this together (he is just turning 40 and has diabetes, high blood pressure, etc) - and I'm sorry that you cannot support me in my endeavor, but I am not doing this for you - I'm doing this for ME. so I can be happier and healthier and sexier!!!

    I think it worked - to a point - I still get the comments about leaving him because he says that is what women do after they lose all their weight and I told him only because their significant others treated them like crap to begin with and now they have the confidence to do what they should have done a long time ago - I do ask him to join me in working out as I workout at home and within the next month I am considering buying a Wii OR XBOX with kinect (as I think that would get the whole family moving) -

    Bottom line - You need to just tell him this is so you can be a better, healthier person and hopefully he will join you and you can support one and other or you just have to keep doing what you are doing and reassure him he is your one and only!!!

    Best of luck to you in your journey!!!
  • Dafrog
    Dafrog Posts: 353
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    two things you have to have in a relationship is trust and communication. I was unhappily married for years to a man that accussed me of being unfaithful, sadly after years of being accussed i was. it was more to have the feeling of compasion. consuling would be your best route, if he is not willing then might be best to move on with your life. life is too short to be unhappy.
  • Katz85340
    Katz85340 Posts: 206 Member
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    The only part of this process that is new is the food. I have gone to the gym 4-6 times a week prior to meeting him. I have played volleyball prior to him as well. I don't even think my attitude has changed...I have always been cocky and arrogant ...lol

    I feel that I try to make him feel wanted. I try to attack him daily! hehehehe. I guess I will try again to bring him into this process.

    When this first started I explained that we would be eating differently. He eats similar meals... his is a larger serving and normally some type of carb. I invite him to hit the gym with me almost every week. He explained that he doesn't think he would be able to keep up. I think that is part of the issue... but when he met me I was in fantastic shape so this shouldn't be anything big.

    I will continue to try and find that "cookie" but I really want to bounce him out on his *kitten*. Thanks for letting me vent.

    All you can do is try but it really sounds like he's getting insecure because he feels bad about his own weight gain. Keep up the good work!
  • tater8589
    tater8589 Posts: 616
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    I'm not the best at giving advice, but maybe ask him to join you? Get him to go to the gym too and possible eat healthier, his self confidence should improve if he is losing to and can physically see what you are doing. My husband had an exfiance cheet on him before we met and he has trust issues, its never easy to deal with. You also may need to go to couples counceling and/or talk to a chaplin. Things have improved since my husband agreed to go to a couples class with me, though we still have a long road ahead of us (since we plan to be together till death do us part) and we may schedule more sessions with a therapist. Good luck, I hope things improve for ya'll.
  • bethvandenberg
    bethvandenberg Posts: 1,496 Member
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    Hang in there girl. Been there done that!

    I usually now not when he's got the subject on the table but completely out of the blue, I'll say he honey, you know what? You hurt my feelings when you make that comment about....... because I love you, desire you and only you. ( this is where I tell my man that I trust that he'd never cheat on me and that I promise that I'll not cheat on him because he's doing it.) You know kind of I'm going to treat you like you treat me because we love each other and made a promise to each other and be together.

    Then I generally say that I would hope that he wouldn't hurt my feelings any more with that line of attack. Then if he ever brings it up again I say to my loving man, he we talked about that and I'm not going to let you say that stuff to me. And that generally ends that line.

    Good luck
  • nonoark
    nonoark Posts: 153 Member
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    I have read the replys sent to you and agree with most of it. I have found one thing with men that hasn't been mentioned. Guys are so used to being taken care of by their mothers/girlfriends that when they latch on and create the comfort zone of marrige it is expected that pampering will continue. I am guilty as many other women who find someone and will do anything to show their love. A man gets used to it. Unfortunatly the slightest change in their little world, not provoked by them, sends them into a whirlwind. For many of us, these guys married us knowing that (in their mind) they were as good as we could get. Kind of a controll thing. My brother once told me that he married a girl from overseas because of the way she treated him. I was so angry! She would wait on him all the time! I never saw the connection. We all have a certain degree of that (depth determened by our own insecurities). A little new confidence scares the hell out of them. Because many men have tunnel vission, we are only seen one way. You can do 100 things, but only one seems to get noticed in most cases. Confidence is not something that most men want to see "born" in their women after years of knowing them. That little bit of attention you are giving yourself they feel you are robbing them of. To many men, change makes them feel inadiquate and less of a man. For that, lashing out to the one making them feel that way is the only option. Unfortunatly, Infidelity has become a way of life, and is the leading cause for most changes in one spouse or the other. I have done everything from turning into the seductress, and cooking all the the "right dinners" to please, to full body massages for hours leaving my hands achy and him snoring loudly. The only thing this solved was me feeling like I begged for acceptance of what 'I needed'. It is time to talk. Find the strength and if it means duct tapping him to a chair and telling him what it would mean to you and to both of you to have the love of your life there threw your struggles, doctors appointments, and accomplishments, then, that is something you need to work on. Offer to go for walks, to the gym...learn to cook together and teach him why eating heathier is important. If he still continues to behave the way he has, then just tell him, it is his choice, but this is to make you the women you can see yourself becoming.. If he really loves you he will pull his head out of his ars. Just remember, most guys have slower speeds then we do unless it involes beer, or sports.
    A delecate tool I have mastered is when I am very angry and know I am without a doubt, right, I learned to speak without emotion. I never seem to be heard when I show ANY emotion. It become eerie to them and catches their attention faster then tears ever will.
    I wish you luck, patients and joy. Each one will be there waiting when the time is right. My very best to you.
  • julluv
    julluv Posts: 27
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    He just thinks that once you become this slender person that you will not love him because he is still over weight. If the shoe was on the other foot you might have the same insecurities. You might not verbalize them the same way but they would be there.

    Don't get mad at him...matter of fact take it as a compliment. My husband thinks that I'm so beautiful that I might leave him if another man tries to get my attention. Wow I must be looking good.

    I'm no marriage counselor but I've been with my husband for 13 years. Marriage isn't easy. You have to give a lot of yourself even when you don't think the other person is doing the same.

    My suggestion: Every time he brings that up I would walk up to him and look him dead in his eyes and say you know what I love you and give him a big fat kiss. Anything he says after the kiss regarding cheating I would put my earmuffs on. You know the problem isn't you. You know its him so lets try to help him get over his problem...not on your time though. You have to allow him to come around.

    My 2 cents. Good luck.

    I agree 100%!
  • lilRicki
    lilRicki Posts: 4,555 Member
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    He just thinks that once you become this slender person that you will not love him because he is still over weight. If the shoe was on the other foot you might have the same insecurities. You might not verbalize them the same way but they would be there.

    Don't get mad at him...matter of fact take it as a compliment. My husband thinks that I'm so beautiful that I might leave him if another man tries to get my attention. Wow I must be looking good.

    I'm no marriage counselor but I've been with my husband for 13 years. Marriage isn't easy. You have to give a lot of yourself even when you don't think the other person is doing the same.

    My suggestion: Every time he brings that up I would walk up to him and look him dead in his eyes and say you know what I love you and give him a big fat kiss. Anything he says after the kiss regarding cheating I would put my earmuffs on. You know the problem isn't you. You know its him so lets try to help him get over his problem...not on your time though. You have to allow him to come around.

    My 2 cents. Good luck.


    very well said...my fiance knows damn well I'm not going anywhere...but he knows I'm a good woman, and every man is just looking for a good woman. So maybe it's not a bad thing he's on his toes. I hope all our spouses stop complaining like turds and get on the bandwagon with us...wouldn't that be lovely...i bet once mine does he'll be ripped and kick my butt, and then I'll be the one pouting because I have to work so hard, and he makes everything look easy lol
  • safetyscott
    safetyscott Posts: 66 Member
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    My wife was like this whenever i would go to the gym.....so i bought my own equipment and would workout at home....now she works out with me....i pretty much told her ...Im going on a journey to better myself...you are welcome to come with me, ill hold your hand the whole way....but im not following the path you are going down any longer...because it will eventually mean my end. We been married 22 years..glad she decided to follow me.
  • catmisha
    catmisha Posts: 10
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    I think that happens all the time. The only thing I can think of, is having him joint you. Even if he goes only one time to the gym with you and quit, at least he will see what you are doing. Obviously he can see that you are looking better and he is not. Try to make him part of the whole process and try not to show that you are mad. They will take that the wrong way. Love on him a lot even if at the begining you dont feel very excited about it. It will pay off. Men have very poor communications skills. It works better just with more physical contact. Your health is very important. Dont quit.
  • Shamrock40
    Shamrock40 Posts: 264
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    It may be a combination of things. It could be that you're not paying as much attention to him now, you're paying more attention to yourself after not doing it for so long. My husband definitely went through withdrawals when we had our first child. "What do you mean I have to do X for myself now?" Yeah, they can be kind of selfish that way, can't they?

    It could be that he's self-conscious about where he's at physically himself. Misery loves company, so if he's not going to change himself, he'll try to change you. What I would do is, (here's the cookie,) for the sake of trying to make things better, on a night you would normally go to the gym by yourself, ask him if he'd go outside and take a walk with you. If he can't keep up in the gym, surely he can keep up with you outside for a walk. Don't make it about working out though, making it about spending time together. Tell him you missed him today, grab his hand and tell him you would rather spend time with him tonight than go to the gym. If you've been together for a long time, it might surprise him. While you're out walking, put your arm around him or hold his hand tell him how much you love him. Talk about something that you loved about him when you first met. (Hopefully something that hasn't changed since.)

    And the next time he brings up cheating, I would flat-out tell him, Wake up!! I was X lbs lighter and in much better shape when I met you and married you. Don't you think that if I wanted someone else, I could have gotten them then? I married YOU, when I was in better shape because I love YOU!

    And if it doesn't improve, I'd see a counselor because those types of accusations are really hurtful and you shouldn't have to put up with it.
  • cory17
    cory17 Posts: 1,371 Member
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    It's HIS insecurities, messed up mind. Mine complains that I go to the gym in am, complains that I've gained weight, also thinks I've got a secret boyfriend somewhere, won't do anything together, complains that he doesn't do anything, has a gym membership he pays but hasn't used in 15 years - see the common factor? It's him!! Thus, do whatever YOU think is the right thing for you and your health. And yes, the other posters are correct, often the accusers ARE truly cheating in some form. It's their craziness.
  • gallicinvasion
    gallicinvasion Posts: 1,015 Member
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    This thread is honestly terrifying. All these goal-oriented women with husband trying to guilt and pout them into stopping their positive life changes. Disgusting. Those men need to grow up.
  • MikePTY
    MikePTY Posts: 3,814 Member
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    Well I certainly hope they worked this out in the last eight years...

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