If I get any fatter, I'm going to explode.

SpanishFusion
SpanishFusion Posts: 261 Member
in Getting Started
Really I'm not, but I had a very painful reality check last night. First of all I'll start by saying that I've been on MFP for several years. I got serious in April of 2017 and by July of 2018 I lost about 40# and half way to my goal. Then my best friend got sick again and I stopped losing weight. I didn't gain anything, but stopped MFP, but when her diagnoses turned terminal in January and she passed in March, things went downhill for me as a caregiver. I don't think in the month of March my mouth stopped chewing. Different people handle stress and distress differently. I eat. From then until now, I've gained all but 5# back. Life happened. I don't know what else to say about it. Yeah I am super discouraged, but I know how to get it off again. I started getting serious with tracking and eating to lose last week and upped my activity. I'll get it off again. I know I will.

Now for the reason of the title of this discussion. Last night my 5 year old nephew spent the night with me. As we were getting ready for bed, we put on a movie and cuddled for a few minutes. Our conversation went this way, "Auntie, Are you fat?" "Well yeah I guess I am a little. Why? Do you think I am?" "Yes I do. You are not small like my mom and she says that if you gain more weight you are going to explode." "She said that???" "Yeah, she did." "Do you know that was a mean thing to say?" "Yeah, I do Auntie, but I don't want you to explode." The conversation at this point turned very serious with his 5 year old eyes looking into mine. "I'm not going to explode. I just need to lose a few pounds." "Yeah I know, but you do know what exercise is, don't you Auntie?" ...

I am furious and beyond heart broken that my SIL talked about me like that. That is a chapter that I could write a book on that has nothing to do with weight loss. But in that hurtful conversation, I find wisdom and the most precious love of a 5 year old that I can't mistake and a lesson I won't let escape me. So I'm back at it and serious. I wrote this here because while I know this a public forum, I had to let it out. I know my family doesn't come here and if I told any of them, it would be a family war.

Replies

  • dbhDeb
    dbhDeb Posts: 200 Member
    I am so sorry -- I know this had to hurt you badly. I hope you can lose exactly what you need to and try to get past this but I would be very upset too. Big hug!
  • cheryldumais
    cheryldumais Posts: 1,907 Member
    Ouch. I agree it was a mean thing to say and not very wise to say it in front of a five year old. I'm sorry to hear of your loss. On the bright side you are amazing in your comment that you know what to do and you are doing it. Good for you. Your SIL will eventually have to eat her words. Good luck my friend we are all rooting for you!
  • ADeCapua
    ADeCapua Posts: 35 Member
    What a horrible thing for your SIL to say, especially when a child is in earshot. Let her go be judgy somewhere else, with adults! Your nephew is precious, and I'm glad he had the guts to say this to you because he was concerned for your well-being. I'm sorry you were hurt though. What other people think of us is none of our business. I think you handled the convo with your nephew very well. But I do think you should tell others in your family, and let the war begin. What SIL said is NOT OKAY!
  • Commander_Keen
    Commander_Keen Posts: 1,179 Member
    SpanishFusion wrote: »
    Commander_Keen wrote: »
    I am not so sure I agree with you
    Your nephew clearly has concerns for you.
    He wants you to be healthy.
    He wants to make sure you know what exercise is.
    He wants to make sure you don't blow up..
    He wants you to be in his life for a long time.

    O.k so his mom was having a bit of fun with him. She prob, meant it as a job. and he can't tell the difference between a job and being serious.

    I'm not sure what you mean? I think I took it as exactly what you just said about what he thinks. It just hurt to hear it. And "If your Auntie gains any more weight, she's going to explode!", doesn't sound like an innocent jest to me. And I don't know what a "job" is other than "to work".

    Meant it as a joke
  • girlwithcurls2
    girlwithcurls2 Posts: 2,282 Member
    I'm so sorry for your loss. Everything was reading as expected until the truth about SIL's opinion came out. Shucks. Well, "out of the mouths of babes..." Get out there and do this for you. I can't imagine supporting and caring for a loved one until their death. If food comforted you, so be it. Now it's your turn to focus on your health. Do it as a loving memory to your friend :heart: And each pound you lose is one farther and farther away from explosion, giving your nephew comfort. What a sweet boy you have in your life!
  • LittleLightShine
    LittleLightShine Posts: 123 Member
    I'm always amazed at how the people who are supposed to love you the most are the people who can hurt you the most. I would be hurt too. I'm so sorry this happened. You might want to clear the air with your SIL and let her know about the conversation. Thank her for her concern and let her know you'd appreciate her not talking about you or your weight in front of your nephew. I too have gotten halfway to my goal and gained it all back. Now back on MFP trying again. Weight loss is hard. Sending good vibes and encouragement your way.
  • CeeCeeCarra
    CeeCeeCarra Posts: 9 Member
    edited May 2019
    Hi... First I want to say I’m so very sorry about your friend... I’m here because, since my sweet aunt died by suicide in 2012, I’d been incredibly sad and just could not motivate myself to exercise or eat right. So, needless to say, I gained weight. Anyway, I understand your situation, and I’m sorry for how you’re feeling after this conversation with your dear nephew.

    I hope coming back here helps get you back on track. Please try not to dwell on it so much that it festers in your spirit. Maybe just let the love of your nephew and his (innocent) expression of sincere concern for you be the take-away from this situation.

    Also, now that you’re back on MFP, you know you have a bunch of cheerleaders here to support you! (You can friend me if you wish.)

    I understand the toll significant losses take on our minds, bodies and spirits. I hope you feel your dear friends love that is ever with you. (((Hugs)))
  • csplatt
    csplatt Posts: 1,205 Member
    PAV8888 wrote: »
    Hey wife, you noticed how your sis seems to be blowing up a bit lately?

    Yeah, hubby, she got hit hard by that death. She needs to figure out some good exercise and lay off the nachos and she'll be fine.

    <little teapots have big ears>

    Auntie I don't want you to explode! Do you know what exercise is?

    While it may be a wake up call to you; it doesn't mean that someone who loved you commented on you in a hateful manner. If anything it sounds like a non hateful manner. Plus it is not only third party; but it is third party as UN-filtered by a 5 year old. Plus it got your attention. So all good!

    Obviously the battle is mental. You know how to win. Remain engaged. And last but not least: "showing them" is fleeting. Lose the weight for YOU!

    I like this perspective a lot. Kids are listening when they don't think they are. She could have overheard something said in concern and repeated it back inaccurately.
  • SpanishFusion
    SpanishFusion Posts: 261 Member
    @JustinAnimal I'm not one bit angry with my nephew. I am angry (alot at her and a little at myself), but not at him. He's too precious, innocent, and only concerned.

    @ADeCapua I will probably not get the family involved to 'let the war begin', but that comment did make me chuckle. ;)

    @PAV8888 I like the way you think and I really should give her the benefit of the doubt. That would be taking the high road, which I preach often, but knowing 'her', something tells me that that is not quite what happened. I really think it was more like what @adortiz1990 said and she did not expect my nephew to repeat it to me.

    Thanks everyone for the support. I'm not sure how I'm going to approach this but since I was still stewing about it in my sleep, I think that I had better say something.

  • magnusthenerd
    magnusthenerd Posts: 1,207 Member
    Commander_Keen wrote: »
    I am not so sure I agree with you
    Your nephew clearly has concerns for you.
    He wants you to be healthy.
    He wants to make sure you know what exercise is.
    He wants to make sure you don't blow up..
    He wants you to be in his life for a long time.

    O.k so his mom was having a bit of fun with him. She prob, meant it as a job. and he can't tell the difference between a job and being serious.
    The kid is 5. That means it is only about a year ago that he even had the concept that he could know something but another person does not. I doubt he's thinking about if his aunt knows what exercise is.
  • lesliechiappetti11
    lesliechiappetti11 Posts: 5 Member
    Messages come to us in unexpected ways sometimes. All we need to do is realize the opportunity that wakes us up. Sometimes a slap in the face, albeit a verbal one, is necessary for us to hear the message.
    I am so sorry for your loss and I understand how stress causes eating. I am the same way. Understand that this has nothing to do with anyone other than you. Keep your head up, stay focused on your goal and take action. You can do this. I know you can!
  • Phirrgus
    Phirrgus Posts: 1,894 Member
    SpanishFusion wrote: »
    @JustinAnimal I'm not one bit angry with my nephew. I am angry (alot at her and a little at myself), but not at him. He's too precious, innocent, and only concerned.

    @ADeCapua I will probably not get the family involved to 'let the war begin', but that comment did make me chuckle. ;)

    @PAV8888 I like the way you think and I really should give her the benefit of the doubt. That would be taking the high road, which I preach often, but knowing 'her', something tells me that that is not quite what happened. I really think it was more like what @adortiz1990 said and she did not expect my nephew to repeat it to me.

    Thanks everyone for the support. I'm not sure how I'm going to approach this but since I was still stewing about it in my sleep, I think that I had better say something.

    I'd recommend taking that high road that @PAV8888 brought up. However she meant it (I would have been hurt too) you can use it in a healthy manner to help yourself, or an unhealthy manner which doesn't do anyone any real good.

    Do what you have to for you, and after you've cooled off a bit consider how you may let her know that you would appreciate "raising her concerns about your well being" to you first, not to the child. :)

    You might manage to get things to the point where you feel lots better about yourself AND have the added bonus of a SiL who's a bit more thoughtful before she opens her mouth. :) Hang in there - all the best to you.
  • Sharon_C
    Sharon_C Posts: 2,132 Member
    That's terrible of your sister in law and it sounds like there is backstory that makes it appear that this is not surprising that she said it. But damn, I'm so sorry. And you handled it beautifully.
  • brittanystebbins95
    brittanystebbins95 Posts: 567 Member
    Just throwing my thoughts in.

    Do you think that there's a chance that your SIL is worried about you? Maybe she's concerned for your health, and doesn't know how to approach it. Weight is usually a pretty sensitive topic, and it can be awkward to talk about for family or friends who are not in that position. She could have said something in front of or to your nephew, in the hopes that he would repeat it to you, kind of as a wake up call of sorts.

    Maybe not, but perhaps she was well intentioned and just went about it in the wrong way. I don't know.
  • joshmobley
    joshmobley Posts: 4 Member
    SpanishFusion wrote: »
    Thanks everyone for the support. I'm not sure how I'm going to approach this but since I was still stewing about it in my sleep, I think that I had better say something.

    My approach is to just put your head down and do the work. Consistent action over the long-haul (and the results that come) speak for themselves. What anyone else thinks about you now is irrelevant, prove to yourself first, and the world second who you really are.
  • NovusDies
    NovusDies Posts: 8,940 Member
    edited May 2019
    It can't be easy to lose a friend like that and I hate you are going through this with your family. I have been in a similar situation and found out how much my weight has been discussed in unflattering terms in the family grapevine. I have also received many comments from kids that just say what they are thinking that were not from a place of concern like your nephew.

    I can't comment on what your SiL meant or didn't mean because I don't know her and I don't know the context of the conversation. If it was my family it would be most likely mean gossip with a pretense of concern.

    My standard advice in these situations is to let your emotions fade some and try to act objectively if you choose to deal with it.

    I am glad to see your profile pic has not changed. :smile:
  • JustinAnimal
    JustinAnimal Posts: 1,335 Member
    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    JustinAnimal wrote: »
    I wouldn't be too furious at a five-year-old. You'll look like my dad, who tries to get angry with my son for not knowing table manners.

    HE'S FIVE!! My son referred to a guy with a prosethetic as having a robot leg. Kids say the darnedest things.

    Agree with some previous posters. Kid's concerned for you. I don't know what you look like beyond your avatar, but this kid thinks it's time to make a change. You can tell him to go *kitten* himself, or tell his parents that, or you can accept the critique and do something.

    You don't have to do anything. However, I doubt you would have written this post if you felt like you don't need to do anything.

    Also, people have to be TAUGHT what is acceptable and unacceptable. Without freaking the kid out, have you tried explaining to him why what he said was hurtful to you?

    ETA: after rereading, why aren't you mad at the kid's mom? Sounds like her fault much more than the kid simply repeating something. My kid says "anti-disestablishmentarianism." It's not because he's a super genius, either...


    The only time OP mentions being furious, it's about the SIL. Maybe you need to re-read one more time.
    I am furious and beyond heart broken that my SIL talked about me like that.


    ETA

    And, you say
    Also, people have to be TAUGHT what is acceptable and unacceptable. Without freaking the kid out, have you tried explaining to him why what he said was hurtful to you?


    Again, go back to the OP which says,
    "Do you know that was a mean thing to say?" "Yeah, I do Auntie, but I don't want you to explode."

    So, the child knows it was a mean thing to say. He doesn't need it explained.

    Please, forgive my redundancy.
  • SpanishFusion
    SpanishFusion Posts: 261 Member
    [quote=

    Please, forgive my redundancy.[/quote]

    No worries.
  • lynn_glenmont
    lynn_glenmont Posts: 10,097 Member
    brittanystebbins95 wrote: »
    Just throwing my thoughts in.

    Do you think that there's a chance that your SIL is worried about you? Maybe she's concerned for your health, and doesn't know how to approach it. Weight is usually a pretty sensitive topic, and it can be awkward to talk about for family or friends who are not in that position. She could have said something in front of or to your nephew, in the hopes that he would repeat it to you, kind of as a wake up call of sorts.

    Maybe not, but perhaps she was well intentioned and just went about it in the wrong way. I don't know.

    If that's the case, then she's either a bad mother or one with very little understanding of children. You're suggesting she employed a five-year-old as a go-between for adults (something you should never do -- this is the kind of behavior that leads to children feeling responsible for the adults in their lives and thinking that things like a divorce are their fault), and created a high level anxiety by leading the child to think that his aunt was literally likely to explode and it was up to him to fix that?

    OP, if you decide to raise the issue with your SIL, you might want to gently point out that her son is apparently still at a stage of taking things literally, and that he was really scared and upset that you might explode, so she might want to be careful about the hyperbolic language she uses in front of him. Which would have the triple benefit of being the high road (concern for your nephew's feelings, not yours), the truth, and just possibly making her realize that what ahe did was wrong in multiple ways, or at least one way.
  • rheddmobile
    rheddmobile Posts: 6,840 Member
    Unwittingly your sister in law did you a favor! You’re here now!

    I’m sorry about your friend. Life does happen. You did the best you could at the time, don’t beat yourself up now.

    Consider forgiving your sister-in-law, who, however she meant what she said, didn’t mean for this to get back to you and hurt you - it’s a rare person who never says anything bad about anyone in the privacy of their own home. It’s clear from the message of concern your nephew got out of what was said that there is love there.
  • rheddmobile
    rheddmobile Posts: 6,840 Member
    BTW if it were me, I would gently point out to SIL that nephew is too young not to repeat gossip, so she should watch what she says in front of him. Let her figure out what he might have repeated - her guilty conscience will be sufficient punishment and it puts you in a better position than if you explained how you felt hurt.
  • SpanishFusion
    SpanishFusion Posts: 261 Member
    Thank you again EVERYONE. Each of you have some great nuggets of wisdom which I will think about moving forward. <3
  • Taraldesne
    Taraldesne Posts: 1 Member
    Commander_Keen wrote: »
    I am not so sure I agree with you
    Your nephew clearly has concerns for you.
    He wants you to be healthy.
    He wants to make sure you know what exercise is.
    He wants to make sure you don't blow up..
    He wants you to be in his life for a long time.

    O.k so his mom was having a bit of fun with him. She prob, meant it as a job. and he can't tell the difference between a job and being serious.

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