My spouse sabotages my good eating habits!
Replies
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Make a promise to yourself right now, that you’ll not give permission to anyone to sabotage your fitness, health and wellness goal, nobody and this means you, your spouse and everyone else.
That’s a promise I made to myself, kept it and it worked.
You deserve it.5 -
No one has to live in our body. It is the only thing on the face of the earth that you have control over in this particular situation. Let freedom ring. Lead by example and don't give in.1
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robinhager3998 wrote: »I'm sorry to hear that. My husband does that to me. He says he wants me to lose weight, but as soon as I get serious and stick to my journaling he wants to stuff me with food. He then starts this "Well if you don't eat any, I won't either" thing and starts pouting.
That is exactly what i have been experiencing.... that pout when there is not any good food on the table. Then I feel guilty and end up cooking something or worse ordering something that i know she likes.
When you say "not any good food on the table" what kind of food are you cooking. Only there are plenty of ways to make great food that is healthy and low calorie that she could enjoy. Even burgers and fries or pizza can be made at home and to fit your health goals.
What would a normal menu look like for you?
You say you are apart most of the week so you have both got used to eating exactly what you want in the way you want. Habits are hard to break so when the weekend comes you are both clashing on your food choices.
My worry is that she is feeling really guilty that she is not making the same efforts you are. This could be because she percieves your eating healthier as a dig at her to do the same. It is a very difficult situation but if you talk it over and re-assure her that her food choices are hers to make and you are not judging her about them, perhaps you can compromise a bit on the weekends and find healthy but tasty choices that you both enjoy.
I don't see this as an either food is good or food is bad situation but one where you can both share ideas for recipes that you can both enjoy with out any attached guilt.3 -
I battled with this for years...I called my wife "the feeder" and I got chubby. My nickname turned from 'will' to 'fill' (fat-will)... My wife eats what she wants but doesn't put on weight. She pretty much has abs and doesn't train so she was not as motivated as me to change her eating habits. There is hope however!!!!!
I did 2 things to overcome this:
1) I started having protein shake and a handful of almonds for breakfast each day (high P / high F) and then a protein / veg heavy lunch at work (high P / low C). This would leave me enough float to have whatever my wife was having at dinner. The dinner table is so important so I would never recommend eating different meals as it will create divide.
2) I started to educate her. Yeah eating healthier might make you look better...but heres the magic ticket - you actually feel better too. Less tired, more energy to do things, feel healthy which makes you happier about yourself. The benefits are endless. Don't go all high and mighty "my diet is better than yours"...just have her acknowledge how she feels after eating.... happy, motivated, guilty, tired?
Small changes can incrementally have big impacts. Ditch the soda for diet soda. Ditch one half of the bun. Get the dressing on the side.
The journey has to be sustainable. Good luck!!!8 -
I so know how you feel. My husband is the same way. I was doing so well then he started going to the grocery store on a daily basis for stuff that was not on my eating plan. The first time I went on a diet, he bought a deep fryer. So now although he is the cook for the entire family, I just make my own food and put in containers for dinner time.3
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my husband and i were in different places when i started losing weight. he was trying to bulk a bit.
so i made the protien kinda healthy. he got lots of breads or pasta and butter or sauce. i got more veggies... he got what he wanted. i got what i needed.
we were also in different places emotionally. i did what i could for him. he tried with me.
ultimately, i was in charge of what was in my mouth but i found a compromise. even if the other person tried to manipulate or whined.3 -
I'm in a similar situation. To my wife and in-laws (who also live with us), food = love. If they offer me food and I turn it down, they take it as a very personal rejection. "But I made this for you! You don't have to log it, it's healthy! Why are you rejecting my care?!" I'll explain how I have to limit calories and they'll say "Next time we'll know.", except that next time they won't know and the whole process starts over again like it's the first time they're hearing it.
I wish I could help, but I've never found a good solution. There's a life-long emotional and cultural connection with food there that I can't overcome. I waffle between accepting that meals will often end with someone upset, and caving in.5 -
Looking at it from a different angle, if you’re gone five days a week, she may be lonely, insecure, and fearful of the reasons you’re suddenly trying to lose weight.
Mybhusband and I are joined at the hip. But....If he was away that much, I’d worry that he finds it so easy to be away. If he then started to work out and make an effort to lose weight, no matter how much I trust him, the fear would gnaw away at me.
She may just need reassurance that she’s #1 and there’s nothing on the side.
Sit her down with no kids or TV, start the conversation, look her in the eyes, reassure her and tell her that you want to improve your health so you’re at her side for many many years to come.12 -
Man, I identified with your posts pretty strongly here! Sometimes I feel like there should be a support group! It's tough sometimes to let go of that control and focus on the areas where you can enact change, but making the healthy choices for yourself is what's going to keep you going. Maybe your success will serve as an example. I keep hoping for that, in my own case.
While it may not be 100% encouraging, my wife and I have found some common ground through communication. When she cooks (we split the chore about 50/50) it used to be a lot of foods I was specifically trying to avoid, often casseroles and such where everything was mixed together. We've learned to make some new dishes where components aren't as integrated so I don't have to have as much starch and can double up on veggies or meat. Same meal, different breakdown. But it works for us! And on those occasions where there is going to be something integrated or heavy on calories, I just try to plan my exercise accordingly that day and the day after in order to try to compensate.
There are also still times where she'll get me in moments of weakness where I feel what I can only describe as "willpower fatigue" and the planned grilled chicken over salad ends up morphing into a take-out pizza order. I'd be lying if I didn't say that pendulum hasn't swung the other way a few times as well, though not nearly as often. There are always going to be times where discipline falters for whatever reason (tired, hungry, lazy, don't feel like X, craving Y, etc.) and it's really a boon when you have that partner in your corner backing you up, and vice versa.
So I get it. It can be really tough, but I wish you both well!3 -
Would you have the same complaint if your wife wasn't "significantly more overweight" than you? Because the fact that you felt the need to throw that in raises a flag for me.
It's the opposite at my house. He would like me to eat more salads. I'm not a huge salad fan. Vegetables are fine and I eat plenty, but I'm not interested in eating salad every single day. I just don't like it that much. He understands and respects that (but still thinks I need more greens
) (I'm a normal weight, btw, not that it should matter.) 8 -
I refuse to cook separate meals for my family. If they dont like what I am making then they are on their own. They used to try the guilt thing on me too, but when my results stalled and I started gaining again and feeling like crap I quit caring. How difficult would it be to try and engage her to start thinking of her health too? Summer is a great time to start eating healthy imo, Grilled meats and veggies!! MMM! Good luck!4
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Would you have the same complaint if your wife wasn't "significantly more overweight" than you? Because the fact that you felt the need to throw that in raises a flag for me.
It's the opposite at my house. He would like me to eat more salads. I'm not a huge salad fan. Vegetables are fine and I eat plenty, but I'm not interested in eating salad every single day. I just don't like it that much. He understands and respects that (but still thinks I need more greens ) (I'm a normal weight, btw, not that it should matter.)
No not at all. I don't care what she looks like, i am perfectly fine with her size, but when she only wants to go out to eat at a place i can't eat healthy it is hard for me. I work best when i have someone there to help me instead of tempt me. DO i worry about her health? Of course i do.5 -
Might have to do the okay will get it to go at your restaurant y mine move. Hop into McDonald’s for her then drive to a healthy restaurant for you then head home put in a movie 🎥 together while you eat up.
Make sure your driving to do this!
Or research restaurants prior that have both healthy/junk say let’s try a new restaurant neither of has been to like a fun 1st date.0 -
Would you have the same complaint if your wife wasn't "significantly more overweight" than you? Because the fact that you felt the need to throw that in raises a flag for me.
It's the opposite at my house. He would like me to eat more salads. I'm not a huge salad fan. Vegetables are fine and I eat plenty, but I'm not interested in eating salad every single day. I just don't like it that much. He understands and respects that (but still thinks I need more greens ) (I'm a normal weight, btw, not that it should matter.)
No not at all. I don't care what she looks like, i am perfectly fine with her size, but when she only wants to go out to eat at a place i can't eat healthy it is hard for me. I work best when i have someone there to help me instead of tempt me. DO i worry about her health? Of course i do.
Don't be put on the defensive for expressing your true emotions ..you shouldn't have to be PC in your posts and rewrite things to accommodate everyone. I have read posts opposite of yours.. that a spouse is not overweight at all.. and they tempt them with food they can easily eat because they don't gain weight. Many of us mention the size of our spouse or partner in these kinds of posts.8 -
You're a good husband but you need to sit down and have a good conversation with her. A good spouse supports not sabotages. It'd also help if you call it sabotage. It's your body.4
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robinhager3998 wrote: »I'm sorry to hear that. My husband does that to me. He says he wants me to lose weight, but as soon as I get serious and stick to my journaling he wants to stuff me with food. He then starts this "Well if you don't eat any, I won't either" thing and starts pouting.
That is exactly what i have been experiencing.... that pout when there is not any good food on the table. Then I feel guilty and end up cooking something or worse ordering something that i know she likes.
I'm sorry but POUT? In my house, its always been 'the cook decides' and if you don't like.......YOU get to cook!2 -
My husband and I eat different things most of the time and it's never a problem. We usually have the same protein and he'll have macaroni and cheese or fries or something of that with it and I'll have some cottage cheese and veggies. And we still have pizza sometimes too! (He eats like a horse and is lean and muscular.) As long as you can plan your day around your dinner then you should be set. Don't let anyone sabotage you. She should be behind you and be proud of your accomplishments, though perhaps she's just worried that if you get to your goal that you'll leave, which is common.2
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I’m sure by now you’ve received the overwhelming feedback about choices. Just want to chime in and let you know you aren’t alone. I like my fitness level. It’s not necessarily shared by family. I love candy. My sweet tooth is ridiculous. I made the decision to do a “sugar-Free” summer. Not going away from fruit and natural sugars, just candy, ice cream, etc... Two days after I tell my wife that, a bag and a half of twizzlers are sitting on the dining table. All one can do is compartmentalize ones choices, ones goals, own it and move forward.1
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Dont leave her in the dust. Encourage her and motivate her as much as you can. Take charge of the situation.0
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WOW everyone i cant believe all of the support! I have had a few very successful weekends were i have stayed on track! i am currently down about 8 lbs and devoted to keep doing better.13
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Just wanted to comment on your post as I lived a similar issue years ago. My husband never made me feel bad for dieting but he would sabotage me in more subtle ways. Suddenly he would be craving my favorite foods all the time. He would bring home sweets he didn't even want and leave them laying around to tempt me (in my mind anyway, lol). Anyway I finally lost the weight and now he is super supportive. In hindsight I realized his worry was that I would lose the weight and leave him. It was just plain old insecurity that we all seem to suffer from time to time. My best advice is to make her feel even more loved as you lose weight and she will be much more encouraging. It's hard to lose your eating buddy but if she sees how much happier you are she may be more likely to support your efforts.2
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My gut reaction to your initial post is that she might be afraid of your getting healthier.
Sit down and have a heart to heart with her. Tell her why you're on this journey. Would she feel you're doing it for someone else?
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No not at all. I don't care what she looks like, i am perfectly fine with her size, but when she only wants to go out to eat at a place i can't eat healthy it is hard for me. I work best when i have someone there to help me instead of tempt me. DO i worry about her health? Of course i do.
There are so many of us here with exactly this issue and as much as we think we know your issue we don't, we don't know your wife and we are all making assumptions. My life is the same though complicated with grown children who still have strops about food. Ever heard the phrase 'misery loves company'?
My response has been;
- I cook dinner two-three days a week and make my lunch every day, I am in control of what I eat
- I shop three days a week, there is nearly always food in so no need to 'nip out' for junk food
- When my wife cooks I weigh my food and only put on my plate what I can afford on MFP numbers
- If we are going to eat out I plan my day, less intake at other meals, and absolutely NO restaurant desserts
- No alcohol
I don't know your plan but I can eat quite a lot on 1600 calories if I choose the right foods.
This will come across as harsh, stop making excuses and start taking control, if you wife doesn't want what you want, fair play, you just have less of what she wants when you eat the same dish. Whether the journey is together or on your own you have to take it.
Can we add to this to make a list of suggestions?3 -
Relationships are an interesting dance and each dance is unique to the couple / family.
Sometimes the things we don't talk about (or post) are the unspoken things, things we can't define because guess what, we haven't talked through them. This has been mentioned by others, got to talk, got to communicate.
Other times we know exactly what those things are and don't want to face them. For me, in my situation, I know exactly what the "sabotage" is and why it happens: My husband never learned how to be supportive of another person, whether it's to make healthy choices for dinner or how to actively listen to someone. If asked, my husband would empathically tell people he loves me, and he does. The same for being supportive, a good listener, etc. But in our relationship what I am struggling to come to terms with is deciding if his support or listening skills are critical to our marriage or if I want to develop additional support through friends, MFP, and activities.
It is not my intention to imply that your situation mirrors mine but to challenge you to think deeply about what you aren't actively posting and dealing with - again, for me it is a big ole gnarly mess of deciding if I want to end my second marriage, stay in an un-supported marriage unhappy, or pursue some other path.....
At the end of the day it turns out only we can decide what to put into our mouths, who we share the dinner table with and ultimately, how we live our lives.2 -
"emphatically" not empathically (auto-correct got me!).
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I thought a group might help
https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/group/133337-husbands-fathers-without-support1 -
Everyone on this thread is so nice! Seriously when my husband grouses about what I cook (which happens rarely, he is supportive 90% of the time) I pinch his side and mock him without mercy, and tell him he can eat what he wants as long as I don’t have to see it or smell it, but I intend to stay at a healthy weight. There is an awful lot of emotional coddling going on out there! I always thought it was understood that the proper response to pouting in anyone older than a toddler was to make fun of the person so severely that it would never, ever take place again!
Kidding / not kidding though1
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