Husband's need censors
ASchmeidler1981
Posts: 33 Member
I understand. I am hypoglycemic so I cant starve myself..or I would😭 My husband loves everything about me, except for my looks. He is seriously not attracted to me. It used to hurt so badly. In fact, last year I had used his criticism to get down to 189 from 260. Then, I went through a knee surgery, and became depressed as weight came back. Thursday, I asked him to be honest, why isn't he attracted to me. (Yes, I asked for the judgement, but being ignored sucks worse than a hurt feeling) he said, "I told u before, I don't like your kangaroo pouch, and you were getting better, but you seem to have let yourself go" I honestly didn't. Ever since my surgery, my knee gives me problems, but I decided I don't care. I showed him once before and I'll do it again. Then, he can be the ugly one between us. Lol.
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Replies
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I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. I recommend that you and your husband seek out couples counseling, so he can get a better understanding of how his words and actions affect you. It doesn't sound like what is going on between the two of you is healthy, and even if you lose weight, it's not going to fix that fundamental issue. So I strongly recommend that you seek out help to fix these issues in your relationship.
Understand that regardless of whether you are hypoglycemic or not, "starving yourself" is never a good way to do healthy, sustainable, weight loss. Neither is pushing yourself through exercise that could further cause damage to your knees. Successful weight loss does not require exercise or drastic diets. It can be done eating a reasonable and safe amount of calories, just at a deficit that causes fat loss. There are many here that have done so.
But I'd look into your motivation for doing so first. Trying to do it for your husband, either from wanting to please him or wanting to show him, may not be the best thing to help you do it sustainably and successfully. You may want to look at if you have reasons to do it for yourself, and your own health and betterment. Those will be the stronger reasons.
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If you need an alibi, let me know
I'm sorry you are dealing with this.. you seem to be taking it well.. I would have been terribly hurt, crushed in this situation..
Hugs 🤗
Psst, the alibi offer is still there 8 -
I would love an alibi
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“Couldn’t have been me, officer. I was logging my food in MyFitnessPal!”21
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Don't blame all husbands. Blame yourself for marrying such a shallow *kitten*.
On the up side, you can screw him over for every *kitten*-et he's got. The law is your weapon, your asset, your janissary.9 -
That's funny
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I don't blame anyone. It is merely my motivation, because I truly am beautiful. I can hurt him the best by turning heads😝3
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This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. Your language about being willing to starve yourself if you could and him being the ugly one once you lose weight plus the phrasing of his response all sound damaging. This isn't a beauty contest, it is your marriage. I would suggest you two seek out couples counseling.
Also, that kangaroo pouch won't necessarily go away with weight loss which you both need to understand and be prepared for.19 -
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ASchmeidler1981 wrote: »I don't blame anyone. It is merely my motivation, because I truly am beautiful. I can hurt him the best by turning heads😝
Not sure trying to "hurt him" is the most productive way to go about it. It sounds like your relationship is in a very unhealthy place, and you'd be best off trying to fix that with him, rather turn it into a contest.
Basing the success of a marriage off of physical appearance never works. Most of us are never skinny our whole lives. A lot of us go through cycles of skinny, fat, skinny, fat. Some are always fat. If we are very lucky, we will live long enough in a healthy and happy relationship where we reach old age and none of that stuff really matters at all.
My wife at her highest, gained about 70 pounds from when we first started dating (I gained a similar amount). I was more attracted to her at her biggest than I ever was at her smallest, not because her at her biggest was necessarily her best physical form, but because as our marriage grew, my physical attraction to her was based off of a lot more than just the physical. It was motivated by the intense emotional love we had for each other. You say your husband loves everything about you besides your appearance, but if he can't put whatever physical disappoints he has and still love you properly, then he's not really loving you in any of those ways.
My wife and I are both currently on our weight loss journeys (I'm down 35, she's down 15), but it has been successful because it comes from a place of love and support, not pressure and judgement. We are not losing weight because we think we need to to please the other, but rather to care for our health and improve our quality of life.27 -
slimgirljo15 wrote: »If you need an alibi, let me know
I'm sorry you are dealing with this.. you seem to be taking it well.. I would have been terribly hurt, crushed in this situation..
Hugs 🤗
Psst, the alibi offer is still there
Make that two alibis. His behavior is unacceptable. I can't imagine what that would do to my self esteem, if he was my life partner. Anyhoo...
We are here to support you through the process. Through the celebrations and the frustrations. Through the water weight and the whooshes. 😊2 -
You are amazing. Thank you. I really do need the support. I am passive aggressive, so I get even by "showing them" lol. I am consuming 1300 to 1600 calories a day. I am actively swimming while my kids play in the pool, and I am working construction with him over the summer, but this app doesn't account for mudding and sanding walls, painting, and laying floors. Lol. I supplement light cleaning or heavy cleaning depending on the job. I am just trying to net 500 to 600 calories a day, that way I am getting my sugar and vitamins.9
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ASchmeidler1981 wrote: »You are amazing. Thank you. I really do need the support. I am passive aggressive, so I get even by "showing them" lol. I am consuming 1300 to 1600 calories a day. I am actively swimming while my kids play in the pool, and I am working construction with him over the summer, but this app doesn't account for mudding and sanding walls, painting, and laying floors. Lol. I supplement light cleaning or heavy cleaning depending on the job. I am just trying to net 500 to 600 calories a day, that way I am getting my sugar and vitamins.
You are still missing the point. You shouldn't need or even want to "get even" in a marriage or strong relationship. It isn't about being passive, passive-aggressive, or aggressive. That is a red flag for an unhealthy relationship.
MFP accounts for the things you mentioned in your daily activity setting. That would probably qualify as "active".
Netting 500-600 calories per day is dangerous. That is serious undereating and will lead to long term consequences such as hair loss, brittle nails, and potential organ failure. The recommendation that women generally should not NET less than 1200 calories per day is because that is the amount of nutrition needed to support healthy organ and bodily function.11 -
No, I do get that "getting even" isn't right, but as I said in an earlier post, it is about more than just him. This was just a trigger. This is about a life long battle with how I see myself.3
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Every time I wonder why I'm still single, I read something like this and remember, because I would never ever put up with this *kitten*. Sorry for you girl, but you need to get out of this situation for your own self-preservation.8
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The divorce diet works wonders, I've heard.19
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When I got fitter than my ex the first time it was, you look like a cancer patient. Then I got hurt and put some weight back on during recovery. She had bypass surgery she gets thinner, she has an affair and leaves. I used lots of anger to set running PR's so I understand where you are coming from. I used it as fuel for quite a while till I decided I need to change for me, and only me. To be what I want, not so anyone notices me, just to be happy being me.10
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I mean this in the nicest, most supportive way possible: find a therapist.
Weight loss will not resolve the lifelong battle with how you see yourself. If it were that easy to resolve, anorexia and starvation diets to dangerously underweight wouldn't be a thing. If it were that easy, you wouldn't be endangering your health by undereating to a scary degree.
Weight loss will not make your relationship less unhealthy. This is not how marriage is supposed to work. People who love us, love us for ourselves not our appearance. People who love us do not put us down or make us feel worse about ourselves. Marriage is a partnership, not a battle for who can feel most superior.
I'm going to call it what it is, and hope you don't tune it out: abuse. This is an abusive situation.
You need help to deal with all of this, more help than a discussion board can provide. Please find it.9 -
eromligyppah wrote: »When I got fitter than my ex the first time it was, you look like a cancer patient. Then I got hurt and put some weight back on during recovery. She had bypass surgery she gets thinner, she has an affair and leaves. I used lots of anger to set running PR's so I understand where you are coming from. I used it as fuel for quite a while till I decided I need to change for me, and only me. To be what I want, not so anyone notices me, just to be happy being me.
Thank you, yes this is exactly what I am trying to say. It is great fuel when you really don't feel like doing anything. The benefits: I am out swimming with my children, playing Just Dance, getting up when I am depressed instead of sinking into my bed and melting away. I do not justify not condone his words or actions, they hurt. At the end of the day, he is responsible for him, and I am responsible for me. Truly, I know losing weight won't help with him, but it will help with how I see myself. I believe words have no power unless you allow them to. He is a butthead, but his words only have power because I already see myself as "fat". If you don't like something change it. I also know rushing into divorce is expensive, hurts my kids, and doesn't actually "fix" the issue which is how I see myself.1 -
Thank you everyone for letting me vent. I really needed to.😊4
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ASchmeidler1981 wrote: »eromligyppah wrote: »When I got fitter than my ex the first time it was, you look like a cancer patient. Then I got hurt and put some weight back on during recovery. She had bypass surgery she gets thinner, she has an affair and leaves. I used lots of anger to set running PR's so I understand where you are coming from. I used it as fuel for quite a while till I decided I need to change for me, and only me. To be what I want, not so anyone notices me, just to be happy being me.
Thank you, yes this is exactly what I am trying to say. It is great fuel when you really don't feel like doing anything. The benefits: I am out swimming with my children, playing Just Dance, getting up when I am depressed instead of sinking into my bed and melting away. I do not justify not condone his words or actions, they hurt. At the end of the day, he is responsible for him, and I am responsible for me. Truly, I know losing weight won't help with him, but it will help with how I see myself. I believe words have no power unless you allow them to. He is a butthead, but his words only have power because I already see myself as "fat". If you don't like something change it. I also know rushing into divorce is expensive, hurts my kids, and doesn't actually "fix" the issue which is how I see myself.
Having been there, let me tell you it hurts your kids way worse to see you two verbally beating on each other all the time. It hurts them to see you hating yourself and your appearance. Is this the example you want to set for them, the kind of relationship you want them to have in the future? Are starvation diets and obsession with appearance how you want them to live?
Divorce is not something to rush into, agreed. But you can't just leave this, because the issue is much broader than just your self image.8 -
ASchmeidler1981 wrote: »eromligyppah wrote: »When I got fitter than my ex the first time it was, you look like a cancer patient. Then I got hurt and put some weight back on during recovery. She had bypass surgery she gets thinner, she has an affair and leaves. I used lots of anger to set running PR's so I understand where you are coming from. I used it as fuel for quite a while till I decided I need to change for me, and only me. To be what I want, not so anyone notices me, just to be happy being me.
Thank you, yes this is exactly what I am trying to say. It is great fuel when you really don't feel like doing anything. The benefits: I am out swimming with my children, playing Just Dance, getting up when I am depressed instead of sinking into my bed and melting away. I do not justify not condone his words or actions, they hurt. At the end of the day, he is responsible for him, and I am responsible for me. Truly, I know losing weight won't help with him, but it will help with how I see myself. I believe words have no power unless you allow them to. He is a butthead, but his words only have power because I already see myself as "fat". If you don't like something change it. I also know rushing into divorce is expensive, hurts my kids, and doesn't actually "fix" the issue which is how I see myself.
There's a big middle ground between divorce and just letting it be and using it as fuel. While discussions of divorce may certainly be premature at this time, you are more likely to head there if you just try to let it be than actually addressing it with the help of a professional.
@Terytha has provided some very wise words about loving your body. While weight loss and progress make make us happy, and give us a temporary feeling that we love ourselves, it won't do the work for you alone. That comes from building self worth and self value regardless of your weight, and it's work you can start on now.
Please understand we are not trying to be downers, and I am glad you have found some comfort in being able to vent here. I am happy that this board has provided that to you. It can certainly help to get our feelings out on the internet to strangers. A lot of times it's better than people we actually know.
Know that none of us are offering judgement, but trying to give you our best intentioned advice about how to best solve this situation for you. Just like sometimes it can be helpful to vent to strangers, sometimes strangers can also have good advice or insight that people closer to the situation may not.5 -
OP - virtually none of what you've posted sounds healthy. You are frustrated and discouraged, you have low self esteem, yet when you push your husband to be honest you turn around and vent about it on an internet forum.
You are upset about the words he used with you, yet you are calling him a butthead, saying he is the ugly one, and wanting to hurt him in retaliation. Your relationship with your husband, your pride in being "passive aggressive", your desire to show him and others, your net calorie intake - these are all filled with red flags.
Please seek a therapist - individually as well as with your spouse.
Good luck.13 -
ASchmeidler1981 wrote: »eromligyppah wrote: »When I got fitter than my ex the first time it was, you look like a cancer patient. Then I got hurt and put some weight back on during recovery. She had bypass surgery she gets thinner, she has an affair and leaves. I used lots of anger to set running PR's so I understand where you are coming from. I used it as fuel for quite a while till I decided I need to change for me, and only me. To be what I want, not so anyone notices me, just to be happy being me.
Thank you, yes this is exactly what I am trying to say. It is great fuel when you really don't feel like doing anything. The benefits: I am out swimming with my children, playing Just Dance, getting up when I am depressed instead of sinking into my bed and melting away. I do not justify not condone his words or actions, they hurt. At the end of the day, he is responsible for him, and I am responsible for me. Truly, I know losing weight won't help with him, but it will help with how I see myself. I believe words have no power unless you allow them to. He is a butthead, but his words only have power because I already see myself as "fat". If you don't like something change it. I also know rushing into divorce is expensive, hurts my kids, and doesn't actually "fix" the issue which is how I see myself.
There's a big middle ground between divorce and just letting it be and using it as fuel. While discussions of divorce may certainly be premature at this time, you are more likely to head there if you just try to let it be than actually addressing it with the help of a professional.
@Terytha has provided some very wise words about loving your body. While weight loss and progress make make us happy, and give us a temporary feeling that we love ourselves, it won't do the work for you alone. That comes from building self worth and self value regardless of your weight, and it's work you can start on now.
Please understand we are not trying to be downers, and I am glad you have found some comfort in being able to vent here. I am happy that this board has provided that to you. It can certainly help to get our feelings out on the internet to strangers. A lot of times it's better than people we actually know.
Know that none of us are offering judgement, but trying to give you our best intentioned advice about how to best solve this situation for you. Just like sometimes it can be helpful to vent to strangers, sometimes strangers can also have good advice or insight that people closer to the situation may not.
Wisely spoken, thank you. His and my struggle is intimate, so at this point the kids are definitely not aware of the issue. Meanwhile, my husband and I have went through a lot, and we are seeking Christian marriage counseling; unfortunately, money and time stands in our way. We have FINALLY started communicating, and he is doing better, but this was recent, so he has a way to go still. Lol. He's a good man, just needs to understand his words can and do hurt.6 -
ASchmeidler1981 wrote: »I don't blame anyone. It is merely my motivation, because I truly am beautiful. I can hurt him the best by turning heads😝
You're not just beautiful, you're a goddess.
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Every time I wonder why I'm still single, I read something like this and remember, because I would never ever put up with this *kitten*. Sorry for you girl, but you need to get out of this situation for your own self-preservation.
Don't miss out on a fabulous relationship because idiots like this exist.
My husband showed me unconditional love. He was attracted to me at 148 lbs and equally so at 230 lbs. When I'd feel ugly and fat, he'd put his hand over my heart and say "this is beautiful, this is what I love".
I lost him a year ago to ALS and miss him terribly. He was my true soul mate.25 -
lbsansouci wrote: »Every time I wonder why I'm still single, I read something like this and remember, because I would never ever put up with this *kitten*. Sorry for you girl, but you need to get out of this situation for your own self-preservation.
Don't miss out on a fabulous relationship because idiots like this exist.
My husband showed me unconditional love. He was attracted to me at 148 lbs and equally so at 230 lbs. When I'd feel ugly and fat, he'd put his hand over my heart and say "this is beautiful, this is what I love".
I lost him a year ago to ALS and miss him terribly. He was my true soul mate.
You were very blessed. I am sorry for your loss. I have never had the joy of seeing this type of relationship in real life.2 -
We have a sign in our house:
For better, for worse, never for granted4 -
ASchmeidler1981 wrote: »ASchmeidler1981 wrote: »eromligyppah wrote: »When I got fitter than my ex the first time it was, you look like a cancer patient. Then I got hurt and put some weight back on during recovery. She had bypass surgery she gets thinner, she has an affair and leaves. I used lots of anger to set running PR's so I understand where you are coming from. I used it as fuel for quite a while till I decided I need to change for me, and only me. To be what I want, not so anyone notices me, just to be happy being me.
Thank you, yes this is exactly what I am trying to say. It is great fuel when you really don't feel like doing anything. The benefits: I am out swimming with my children, playing Just Dance, getting up when I am depressed instead of sinking into my bed and melting away. I do not justify not condone his words or actions, they hurt. At the end of the day, he is responsible for him, and I am responsible for me. Truly, I know losing weight won't help with him, but it will help with how I see myself. I believe words have no power unless you allow them to. He is a butthead, but his words only have power because I already see myself as "fat". If you don't like something change it. I also know rushing into divorce is expensive, hurts my kids, and doesn't actually "fix" the issue which is how I see myself.
There's a big middle ground between divorce and just letting it be and using it as fuel. While discussions of divorce may certainly be premature at this time, you are more likely to head there if you just try to let it be than actually addressing it with the help of a professional.
@Terytha has provided some very wise words about loving your body. While weight loss and progress make make us happy, and give us a temporary feeling that we love ourselves, it won't do the work for you alone. That comes from building self worth and self value regardless of your weight, and it's work you can start on now.
Please understand we are not trying to be downers, and I am glad you have found some comfort in being able to vent here. I am happy that this board has provided that to you. It can certainly help to get our feelings out on the internet to strangers. A lot of times it's better than people we actually know.
Know that none of us are offering judgement, but trying to give you our best intentioned advice about how to best solve this situation for you. Just like sometimes it can be helpful to vent to strangers, sometimes strangers can also have good advice or insight that people closer to the situation may not.
Wisely spoken, thank you. His and my struggle is intimate, so at this point the kids are definitely not aware of the issue. Meanwhile, my husband and I have went through a lot, and we are seeking Christian marriage counseling; unfortunately, money and time stands in our way. We have FINALLY started communicating, and he is doing better, but this was recent, so he has a way to go still. Lol. He's a good man, just needs to understand his words can and do hurt.
What you described in your first posts and what you describe here are not the same. I believe fear of the eventual outcome is causing you to now start making excuses for him and downplaying the situation. It would be naive to think he is not planning for a divorce and you need to plan also. You have to protect yourself and your kids. First accept that a divorce is coming and then try to fight against the outcome.3 -
lbsansouci wrote: »We have a sign in our house:
For better, for worse, never for granted
I really really love that!1
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