Husband's need censors
Replies
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ASchmeidler1981 wrote: »eromligyppah wrote: »When I got fitter than my ex the first time it was, you look like a cancer patient. Then I got hurt and put some weight back on during recovery. She had bypass surgery she gets thinner, she has an affair and leaves. I used lots of anger to set running PR's so I understand where you are coming from. I used it as fuel for quite a while till I decided I need to change for me, and only me. To be what I want, not so anyone notices me, just to be happy being me.
Thank you, yes this is exactly what I am trying to say. It is great fuel when you really don't feel like doing anything. The benefits: I am out swimming with my children, playing Just Dance, getting up when I am depressed instead of sinking into my bed and melting away. I do not justify not condone his words or actions, they hurt. At the end of the day, he is responsible for him, and I am responsible for me. Truly, I know losing weight won't help with him, but it will help with how I see myself. I believe words have no power unless you allow them to. He is a butthead, but his words only have power because I already see myself as "fat". If you don't like something change it. I also know rushing into divorce is expensive, hurts my kids, and doesn't actually "fix" the issue which is how I see myself.
Having been there, let me tell you it hurts your kids way worse to see you two verbally beating on each other all the time. It hurts them to see you hating yourself and your appearance. Is this the example you want to set for them, the kind of relationship you want them to have in the future? Are starvation diets and obsession with appearance how you want them to live?
Divorce is not something to rush into, agreed. But you can't just leave this, because the issue is much broader than just your self image.8 -
ASchmeidler1981 wrote: »eromligyppah wrote: »When I got fitter than my ex the first time it was, you look like a cancer patient. Then I got hurt and put some weight back on during recovery. She had bypass surgery she gets thinner, she has an affair and leaves. I used lots of anger to set running PR's so I understand where you are coming from. I used it as fuel for quite a while till I decided I need to change for me, and only me. To be what I want, not so anyone notices me, just to be happy being me.
Thank you, yes this is exactly what I am trying to say. It is great fuel when you really don't feel like doing anything. The benefits: I am out swimming with my children, playing Just Dance, getting up when I am depressed instead of sinking into my bed and melting away. I do not justify not condone his words or actions, they hurt. At the end of the day, he is responsible for him, and I am responsible for me. Truly, I know losing weight won't help with him, but it will help with how I see myself. I believe words have no power unless you allow them to. He is a butthead, but his words only have power because I already see myself as "fat". If you don't like something change it. I also know rushing into divorce is expensive, hurts my kids, and doesn't actually "fix" the issue which is how I see myself.
There's a big middle ground between divorce and just letting it be and using it as fuel. While discussions of divorce may certainly be premature at this time, you are more likely to head there if you just try to let it be than actually addressing it with the help of a professional.
@Terytha has provided some very wise words about loving your body. While weight loss and progress make make us happy, and give us a temporary feeling that we love ourselves, it won't do the work for you alone. That comes from building self worth and self value regardless of your weight, and it's work you can start on now.
Please understand we are not trying to be downers, and I am glad you have found some comfort in being able to vent here. I am happy that this board has provided that to you. It can certainly help to get our feelings out on the internet to strangers. A lot of times it's better than people we actually know.
Know that none of us are offering judgement, but trying to give you our best intentioned advice about how to best solve this situation for you. Just like sometimes it can be helpful to vent to strangers, sometimes strangers can also have good advice or insight that people closer to the situation may not.5 -
OP - virtually none of what you've posted sounds healthy. You are frustrated and discouraged, you have low self esteem, yet when you push your husband to be honest you turn around and vent about it on an internet forum.
You are upset about the words he used with you, yet you are calling him a butthead, saying he is the ugly one, and wanting to hurt him in retaliation. Your relationship with your husband, your pride in being "passive aggressive", your desire to show him and others, your net calorie intake - these are all filled with red flags.
Please seek a therapist - individually as well as with your spouse.
Good luck.13 -
ASchmeidler1981 wrote: »eromligyppah wrote: »When I got fitter than my ex the first time it was, you look like a cancer patient. Then I got hurt and put some weight back on during recovery. She had bypass surgery she gets thinner, she has an affair and leaves. I used lots of anger to set running PR's so I understand where you are coming from. I used it as fuel for quite a while till I decided I need to change for me, and only me. To be what I want, not so anyone notices me, just to be happy being me.
Thank you, yes this is exactly what I am trying to say. It is great fuel when you really don't feel like doing anything. The benefits: I am out swimming with my children, playing Just Dance, getting up when I am depressed instead of sinking into my bed and melting away. I do not justify not condone his words or actions, they hurt. At the end of the day, he is responsible for him, and I am responsible for me. Truly, I know losing weight won't help with him, but it will help with how I see myself. I believe words have no power unless you allow them to. He is a butthead, but his words only have power because I already see myself as "fat". If you don't like something change it. I also know rushing into divorce is expensive, hurts my kids, and doesn't actually "fix" the issue which is how I see myself.
There's a big middle ground between divorce and just letting it be and using it as fuel. While discussions of divorce may certainly be premature at this time, you are more likely to head there if you just try to let it be than actually addressing it with the help of a professional.
@Terytha has provided some very wise words about loving your body. While weight loss and progress make make us happy, and give us a temporary feeling that we love ourselves, it won't do the work for you alone. That comes from building self worth and self value regardless of your weight, and it's work you can start on now.
Please understand we are not trying to be downers, and I am glad you have found some comfort in being able to vent here. I am happy that this board has provided that to you. It can certainly help to get our feelings out on the internet to strangers. A lot of times it's better than people we actually know.
Know that none of us are offering judgement, but trying to give you our best intentioned advice about how to best solve this situation for you. Just like sometimes it can be helpful to vent to strangers, sometimes strangers can also have good advice or insight that people closer to the situation may not.
Wisely spoken, thank you. His and my struggle is intimate, so at this point the kids are definitely not aware of the issue. Meanwhile, my husband and I have went through a lot, and we are seeking Christian marriage counseling; unfortunately, money and time stands in our way. We have FINALLY started communicating, and he is doing better, but this was recent, so he has a way to go still. Lol. He's a good man, just needs to understand his words can and do hurt.6 -
ASchmeidler1981 wrote: »I don't blame anyone. It is merely my motivation, because I truly am beautiful. I can hurt him the best by turning heads😝
You're not just beautiful, you're a goddess.
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Every time I wonder why I'm still single, I read something like this and remember, because I would never ever put up with this *kitten*. Sorry for you girl, but you need to get out of this situation for your own self-preservation.
Don't miss out on a fabulous relationship because idiots like this exist.
My husband showed me unconditional love. He was attracted to me at 148 lbs and equally so at 230 lbs. When I'd feel ugly and fat, he'd put his hand over my heart and say "this is beautiful, this is what I love".
I lost him a year ago to ALS and miss him terribly. He was my true soul mate.25 -
lbsansouci wrote: »Every time I wonder why I'm still single, I read something like this and remember, because I would never ever put up with this *kitten*. Sorry for you girl, but you need to get out of this situation for your own self-preservation.
Don't miss out on a fabulous relationship because idiots like this exist.
My husband showed me unconditional love. He was attracted to me at 148 lbs and equally so at 230 lbs. When I'd feel ugly and fat, he'd put his hand over my heart and say "this is beautiful, this is what I love".
I lost him a year ago to ALS and miss him terribly. He was my true soul mate.
You were very blessed. I am sorry for your loss. I have never had the joy of seeing this type of relationship in real life.2 -
We have a sign in our house:
For better, for worse, never for granted4 -
ASchmeidler1981 wrote: »ASchmeidler1981 wrote: »eromligyppah wrote: »When I got fitter than my ex the first time it was, you look like a cancer patient. Then I got hurt and put some weight back on during recovery. She had bypass surgery she gets thinner, she has an affair and leaves. I used lots of anger to set running PR's so I understand where you are coming from. I used it as fuel for quite a while till I decided I need to change for me, and only me. To be what I want, not so anyone notices me, just to be happy being me.
Thank you, yes this is exactly what I am trying to say. It is great fuel when you really don't feel like doing anything. The benefits: I am out swimming with my children, playing Just Dance, getting up when I am depressed instead of sinking into my bed and melting away. I do not justify not condone his words or actions, they hurt. At the end of the day, he is responsible for him, and I am responsible for me. Truly, I know losing weight won't help with him, but it will help with how I see myself. I believe words have no power unless you allow them to. He is a butthead, but his words only have power because I already see myself as "fat". If you don't like something change it. I also know rushing into divorce is expensive, hurts my kids, and doesn't actually "fix" the issue which is how I see myself.
There's a big middle ground between divorce and just letting it be and using it as fuel. While discussions of divorce may certainly be premature at this time, you are more likely to head there if you just try to let it be than actually addressing it with the help of a professional.
@Terytha has provided some very wise words about loving your body. While weight loss and progress make make us happy, and give us a temporary feeling that we love ourselves, it won't do the work for you alone. That comes from building self worth and self value regardless of your weight, and it's work you can start on now.
Please understand we are not trying to be downers, and I am glad you have found some comfort in being able to vent here. I am happy that this board has provided that to you. It can certainly help to get our feelings out on the internet to strangers. A lot of times it's better than people we actually know.
Know that none of us are offering judgement, but trying to give you our best intentioned advice about how to best solve this situation for you. Just like sometimes it can be helpful to vent to strangers, sometimes strangers can also have good advice or insight that people closer to the situation may not.
Wisely spoken, thank you. His and my struggle is intimate, so at this point the kids are definitely not aware of the issue. Meanwhile, my husband and I have went through a lot, and we are seeking Christian marriage counseling; unfortunately, money and time stands in our way. We have FINALLY started communicating, and he is doing better, but this was recent, so he has a way to go still. Lol. He's a good man, just needs to understand his words can and do hurt.
What you described in your first posts and what you describe here are not the same. I believe fear of the eventual outcome is causing you to now start making excuses for him and downplaying the situation. It would be naive to think he is not planning for a divorce and you need to plan also. You have to protect yourself and your kids. First accept that a divorce is coming and then try to fight against the outcome.3 -
lbsansouci wrote: »We have a sign in our house:
For better, for worse, never for granted
I really really love that!1 -
I've seen threads like this so many times on various communities - someone feels sh**y about something, shares it, and after all responses, feels even worse, usually ashamed and alienated. Although I don't doubt everyone's good intentions.
IMO, you don't have to have all the right reasons to lose weight, especially at the beginning. You don't have to have it all figured out at this point. Many success stories start with a similar event - someone said something hurtful and that sparkled this inner desire to prove them wrong. And that small, stupid event opened a whole new world. It's just the beginning of your journey. It's ok to not have all the right motives, it's ok not to become a confident person overnight. It's a process. One step at a time. You just had a great day on the pool with kids. That's great!8 -
Well, I just want to pop in and say you are absolutely gorgeous!4
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the great thing about a weight loss journey, is that it makes you stronger in other areas of your life. You realize you are in control of your happiness and success and it just takes work to get what you deserve.
I hope you learn you deserve better than a man who would say those things to you. You also don't need a man's verbal abuse to motivate you to lose weight. That is your responsibility ... own your reality...and demand respect for yourself. good luck.4 -
I've seen threads like this so many times on various communities - someone feels sh**y about something, shares it, and after all responses, feels even worse, usually ashamed and alienated. Although I don't doubt everyone's good intentions.
IMO, you don't have to have all the right reasons to lose weight, especially at the beginning. You don't have to have it all figured out at this point. Many success stories start with a similar event - someone said something hurtful and that sparkled this inner desire to prove them wrong. And that small, stupid event opened a whole new world. It's just the beginning of your journey. It's ok to not have all the right motives, it's ok not to become a confident person overnight. It's a process. One step at a time. You just had a great day on the pool with kids. That's great!
Thank you, that means a lot. More than anything to hear.3 -
Glad you feel better for being able to vent here.. no matter what happens with the husband ( I got ya back with the alibi and shovel girl
) you can do this.. use the tools of mfp and embrace a healthy you.
I wish you the very best. 🤗5 -
Step 1. When you first get up each morning, look in the mirror and say "I am a Goddess."
Step 2. Rinse and repeat.
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kangaroo pouch - wow, so that's what they call that, always have to have a not nice name for a body part5
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I get that the anger motivates you - It's a great motivator for me to. Don't ever tell me I can't do something!!! That said, do NOT lose the weight for him. You need to do this for yourself. Diet for yourself, exercise for yourself and look healthier and be happier for yourself. I encourage you to ask yourself if your husband is a benefit or hindrance to your happiness. There are support groups, as well as individual therapy, that would really help work on your sense of self worth and confidence. Everyone deserves love and acceptance and if you are not receiving it from the one person who swore to provide it, you are being short changed. Life is WAAAAAAAY to short to accept less than happy.3
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I lived like that for 10 years before we split after 16 years of marriage. He never liked once I got heavy. Knowing what I know now, take care of yourself and never try to make him happy with your looks. That is not fair to you. I understand wanting to get healthy and take care of yourself, but it needs to be for you. My husband ended up leaving after cheating for many years, and I wasn't that heavy. Even at 125 pounds, he considered me heavy. The best is, I saw him two weeks ago at a party, and he got so fat!!!! I loved every moment.
Be kind to yourself, love yourself and do for YOURSELF only. Feel free to add me.3 -
I respect your need to use what he said as a motivator but I hope you know you are so much more than a "kangaroo pouch". (Seriously though, wtf? You're hot and kangaroos are adorable so I already question his judgment skills). I can tell that from this post alone without ever having laid eyes on you. Take care of yourself in whatever you do, whatever that might mean to you.4
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