Husband's need censors
Replies
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I've seen threads like this so many times on various communities - someone feels sh**y about something, shares it, and after all responses, feels even worse, usually ashamed and alienated. Although I don't doubt everyone's good intentions.
IMO, you don't have to have all the right reasons to lose weight, especially at the beginning. You don't have to have it all figured out at this point. Many success stories start with a similar event - someone said something hurtful and that sparkled this inner desire to prove them wrong. And that small, stupid event opened a whole new world. It's just the beginning of your journey. It's ok to not have all the right motives, it's ok not to become a confident person overnight. It's a process. One step at a time. You just had a great day on the pool with kids. That's great!8 -
Well, I just want to pop in and say you are absolutely gorgeous!4
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the great thing about a weight loss journey, is that it makes you stronger in other areas of your life. You realize you are in control of your happiness and success and it just takes work to get what you deserve.
I hope you learn you deserve better than a man who would say those things to you. You also don't need a man's verbal abuse to motivate you to lose weight. That is your responsibility ... own your reality...and demand respect for yourself. good luck.4 -
I've seen threads like this so many times on various communities - someone feels sh**y about something, shares it, and after all responses, feels even worse, usually ashamed and alienated. Although I don't doubt everyone's good intentions.
IMO, you don't have to have all the right reasons to lose weight, especially at the beginning. You don't have to have it all figured out at this point. Many success stories start with a similar event - someone said something hurtful and that sparkled this inner desire to prove them wrong. And that small, stupid event opened a whole new world. It's just the beginning of your journey. It's ok to not have all the right motives, it's ok not to become a confident person overnight. It's a process. One step at a time. You just had a great day on the pool with kids. That's great!
Thank you, that means a lot. More than anything to hear.3 -
Glad you feel better for being able to vent here.. no matter what happens with the husband ( I got ya back with the alibi and shovel girl
) you can do this.. use the tools of mfp and embrace a healthy you.
I wish you the very best. 🤗5 -
Step 1. When you first get up each morning, look in the mirror and say "I am a Goddess."
Step 2. Rinse and repeat.
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kangaroo pouch - wow, so that's what they call that, always have to have a not nice name for a body part5
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I get that the anger motivates you - It's a great motivator for me to. Don't ever tell me I can't do something!!! That said, do NOT lose the weight for him. You need to do this for yourself. Diet for yourself, exercise for yourself and look healthier and be happier for yourself. I encourage you to ask yourself if your husband is a benefit or hindrance to your happiness. There are support groups, as well as individual therapy, that would really help work on your sense of self worth and confidence. Everyone deserves love and acceptance and if you are not receiving it from the one person who swore to provide it, you are being short changed. Life is WAAAAAAAY to short to accept less than happy.3
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I lived like that for 10 years before we split after 16 years of marriage. He never liked once I got heavy. Knowing what I know now, take care of yourself and never try to make him happy with your looks. That is not fair to you. I understand wanting to get healthy and take care of yourself, but it needs to be for you. My husband ended up leaving after cheating for many years, and I wasn't that heavy. Even at 125 pounds, he considered me heavy. The best is, I saw him two weeks ago at a party, and he got so fat!!!! I loved every moment.
Be kind to yourself, love yourself and do for YOURSELF only. Feel free to add me.3 -
I respect your need to use what he said as a motivator but I hope you know you are so much more than a "kangaroo pouch". (Seriously though, wtf? You're hot and kangaroos are adorable so I already question his judgment skills). I can tell that from this post alone without ever having laid eyes on you. Take care of yourself in whatever you do, whatever that might mean to you.4
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I am sorry but He is an *kitten*. If he cannot love you the way you are today, he will never love you. Love is not that belongs to a body else why the world sole-mate exists. and yeah fitness is for you it is not for anyone. Get if if you want to and if he start liking you (Once you become fit) then kick his *kitten* and find someone who deserves you and who knows how to respect a woman2
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ASchmeidler1981 wrote: »
I told someone else a minute ago and I'll tell you too-
Sis, throw the whole husband out.
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Well you look nice in your picture. From a guy's perspective drop the shallow loser and find a guy who is appreciative of what he has.4
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Please please don't blow this off and if you're going to stay with him - go to counseling. It's not ok for a man to treat you like that, end of story.
In a desperate attempt to make my marriage work, I listened to my ex tell me "I needed to work out more and lose some weight", I wasn't 'pretty anymore' and that 'I looked ok for an older woman', I should get a boob job, .......it went on and on. The thing of it was, it would never have mattered how hard I worked at it - it was never going to be enough for him. It was nothing more than emotional abuse to keep me torn down. He used to mentally beat me up like this constantly - I weighed 135 when I married him and never more than 158...but he made it my fault he wasn't attracted to me because I gained a bit of weight. The funny thing is that the entire time he made me think he'd love me if I could just be better..........he had an assortment of 20 year girlfriends (He was 42 and I was 39 when I caught him with his last one).
My heart hurts for you, no woman should have to live with a man like that......life is too short.11 -
I went to counseling with my ex husband, I had hired an attorney and the ex begged me to go, because he loved me...
He also found fault with me constantly, I was never quite good enough. He was also cheating on me. Even when we were in counseling. It's common for the one that's cheating to try to blame their spouse. You're fat, lazy, or messy, or unloving or whatever other reason they can think up to make their betrayal your fault.
Try counseling it may help but in my experience constant criticism wears you down, you get to the point that you doubt your own self worth. I finally moved out 2 years ago and I have never been happier.7 -
All I have to say it that your husband better look perfect otherwise he has nothing to say. Time for a divorce or at least get yourself a side piece.
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Wow, this is a very toxic environment to be in and I'm sorry that you got into it in the first place. Your patience with such an *kitten*hole is incredible. I'm personally more of a "one strike and you're out" type of person, be it a family member, friend or whoever else dares to comment on my physique in such a derogatory way. My body, my business, my progress. But I realize many are not, and that's ok. Just respect yourself.
Also, kids get it. You think your issue is between you and your husband, but kids sense much more even though they don't know what's going on.
Best of luck.2 -
Wow, this is a very toxic environment to be in and I'm sorry that you got into it in the first place. Your patience with such an *kitten*hole is incredible. I'm personally more of a "one strike and you're out" type of person, be it a family member, friend or whoever else dares to comment on my physique in such a derogatory way. My body, my business, my progress. But I realize many are not, and that's ok. Just respect yourself.
Also, kids get it. You think your issue is between you and your husband, but kids sense much more even though they don't know what's going on.
Best of luck.
This. Also, his treatment of you is teaching them that it's okay for a man to be abusive. Do you really want to perpetrate that?3 -
Ok, so if you take this on face value everyone has given you great advice though I would like to play Devil's advocate based on a "friend's" personal experience.
You mentioned depression and everyone seems to have skipped over that. Depression is very hard for those who haven't experienced it to understand. My best friend married my second best friend, he is positive, out-going, she had confidence issues due to parents who never expected her to be more than a secretary, these improved through this relationship and she became sexier with that confidence (don't tell him I said that). Time goes on they have 3 children, it is hard work, they get a bit lazy and a lot fat. They start losing weight together, she gives up, a couple of months later so does he. They get fatter, same cycle. She is wearing loose clothes, either black or navy, he wears suits for work and keeps some of the weight off. They have few friends but he spend time with work colleagues. The sex stops, the talking stops, the little jibes start. I have literally grabbed him by his collar and told him to stop being a *kitten* with some of the things he says, usually in one of those weird rows without shouting.
Neither of them is a bad person in themselves but at some point they stopped caring about themselves, he pulled it around, she hasn't - I think she needs help but won't go. When someone stops caring about themselves there is only so long you, as the partner, can keep trying to turn them around before you start feeling bad that they don't seem to care and that makes you stop caring. Then you are in ever decreasing circles.
No situation is simple and very few are actually as one person perceives it to be, the old insurance claim story - there is your version, their version, and the truth. He could be a complete *kitten*, he could just feel you don't love him and he is being used, none of this means you shouldn't find better advice than a weight management website about what you feel. We all want to hit the reset button now and again and feel that 'new love' sensation, it starts with loving ourselves for who we already are.
P.S. Sexy is an attitude3 -
I'm a therapist if you need to talk. I'm so sorry your going through this. I have been there. We can swap stories. Lol0
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Aiesha2012 wrote: »I'm a therapist if you need to talk. I'm so sorry your going through this. I have been there. We can swap stories. Lol
Lol, well on an update. He realized how bad it hurt, and his first response was to take me to my favorite restaurant. Now, he's involved and even helping to cook me healthy alternative dinners (which my kids try to steal). It's interesting, but mostly I really needed to vent. Often, people never feel good enough, and I think that is a lot of it honestly. Ironically, what he said hurt a lot less than what other people have told me, but like I explained to him, "unfortunately, he and I both have to help mend scars created by those before us, and we need to be more empathetic to the fact that these scars are real and while we shouldn't dwell in the past, the past shapes us"5 -
ASchmeidler1981 wrote: »Aiesha2012 wrote: »I'm a therapist if you need to talk. I'm so sorry your going through this. I have been there. We can swap stories. Lol
Lol, well on an update. He realized how bad it hurt, and his first response was to take me to my favorite restaurant. Now, he's involved and even helping to cook me healthy alternative dinners (which my kids try to steal). It's interesting, but mostly I really needed to vent. Often, people never feel good enough, and I think that is a lot of it honestly. Ironically, what he said hurt a lot less than what other people have told me, but like I explained to him, "unfortunately, he and I both have to help mend scars created by those before us, and we need to be more empathetic to the fact that these scars are real and while we shouldn't dwell in the past, the past shapes us"
*puts away shovel*
Looks like you got this 🙂3 -
So, almost a year ago I posted this. I am proud to say I am divorced and single as of Wednesday. You all were so right. My kids are happy and so am I. I still need to lose weight but it is only for me now.12
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ASchmeidler1981 wrote: »So, almost a year ago I posted this. I am proud to say I am divorced and single as of Wednesday. You all were so right. My kids are happy and so am I. I still need to lose weight but it is only for me now.
You already lost a good amount of deadweight 👍
*hugs* Thanks for the update.2 -
Didn't look at the date lol
Attractiveness isn't always appearance. I don't know your total situation but I did pick up a couple phrases in your OP.
Depression.
Is not attractive.
You let yourself go.
Not taking care of yourself is unattractive
Both of these are independent of what you actually look like. All of us will be old someday and we cannot stop aging and cannot defy what simple gravity will do to us. BUT, being depressed about it or throwing in the towel regarding being as healthy as we can be, is a real turn off.
Try adjusting your perspective towards improving yourself for yourself and in time he may come around. If he does not, then at least you know for sure he is skin deep and you will have the confidence to accept it or change your situation.1 -
ASchmeidler1981 wrote: »So, almost a year ago I posted this. I am proud to say I am divorced and single as of Wednesday. You all were so right. My kids are happy and so am I. I still need to lose weight but it is only for me now.
Congratulations! Wishing you and your family a happy and loving holiday season 😃2 -
If a man thinks you need to lose weight he will offer to run with you, he will offer to try a new diet with you. he doesn't just come home from work and tell you what's wrong with you. In my experience, 50 percent of the time a woman gains weight is because of either a man or children. both of which indicate needing a more supportive male. If you are truly happy with him, you need to find other motivation. If his support is the foundation of your success... what happens if he isn't there? I know that it sounds cynical, but you need to do this for you.2
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What a difference a year makes. This thread went from 😔 to 😌.
Glad you're in a better situation these days, @ASchmeidler19814 -
ASchmeidler1981 wrote: »So, almost a year ago I posted this. I am proud to say I am divorced and single as of Wednesday. You all were so right. My kids are happy and so am I. I still need to lose weight but it is only for me now.
Woah... I didn't see this comment before posting mine... I am so happy for you. I know a woman very close to me going through the same thing you did. Looks like despite covid, 2021 could be your year 4
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