Addicted

I write this because I feel like I have nowhere to go, no one to talk to about this. I feel ashamed of myself. I feel addicted to food. I eat and I feel better about myself as a person. I instanly feel like a decent human being when I eat. I never feel full, I could eat all day and never stop it takes extreme self control not to do that. I will eat until I throw up if I dont concentrate hard enough. I am in the military and I constantly get told how fat I am, by almost everyone. It hurts me inside. I hide it but I cry myself to sleep sometimes. I hate myself. I hate how I feel. All the time. Except for when I am eating or about to eat. I wish I had the guts to kill myself some days. I think of my kids and that seems to get me through. I don't feel good enough, and I dont feel like I deserve to breathe the same oxygen that other people breathe. I know what is making me gain weight but I can’t stop. I am just to weak of a person. If I tell the doctor I am addicted to food he will tell me how stupid I am, yet he will tell me I am obese. I don't like who I am anymore and I am constantly sad. I try to work out and eat right and I will do great for a couple months at a time. I just can’t seem to make it stick. I wish people could see how much I hurt on the inside. I wish that I had help, I wish I didnt have to constantly eat to feel happy inside. I feel like a loser for writing this here. I just wanted to get it out maybe I will feel better tommorow.