Just venting.
floofyschmoofer
Posts: 209 Member
We went to Cowboy Brazilian Steakhouse last night. There were 16 different meats. There were rolls. There was feta pasta salad. There was grilled cinnamon pineapple. There was RED VELVET CHEESECAKE. I ate it all. I'm beating myself up today and depression has me in it's grip this morning as well. Sigh.
Seeing the photo that my boyfriend's sister took of me (and him, we took bunches of photos 'cause it was his birthday dinner) just drove it home. It burst my bubble of Feel Good that I've been working on blowing up for over a month now. Nevermind that my belly was full of delicious food so of course I would look more plump than I did when I left the house feeling mostly confident.
I'm aware my relationship with food is an unhealthy one. Maybe even a tumultuous one. I use it for comfort, for punishment, for reward, a friend, "medicine" for when I'm struggling, for an activity when I'm bored.
I've been doing really well at being more active, and maintaining a mindful diet of less than 1,950 calories.
This 'cheat' meal was planned, and anticipated, I just didn't anticipate the way I would feel after.
I have to show myself that I can treat myself/have an off day and still maintain my momentum to be better beyond that. For so long it's been all or nothing-- if I do good, it's great, but once I fall off it's like my inner voice saying 'See, I told you it wouldn't last'. I struggle with compulsive binge eating and I'm so over it all.
I just want to be healthy, and feel good-- and for food to be food and this is just something I have to get through.
FWIW, the meal was definitely not a regular thing. We go once every couple of years.
Seeing the photo that my boyfriend's sister took of me (and him, we took bunches of photos 'cause it was his birthday dinner) just drove it home. It burst my bubble of Feel Good that I've been working on blowing up for over a month now. Nevermind that my belly was full of delicious food so of course I would look more plump than I did when I left the house feeling mostly confident.
I'm aware my relationship with food is an unhealthy one. Maybe even a tumultuous one. I use it for comfort, for punishment, for reward, a friend, "medicine" for when I'm struggling, for an activity when I'm bored.
I've been doing really well at being more active, and maintaining a mindful diet of less than 1,950 calories.
This 'cheat' meal was planned, and anticipated, I just didn't anticipate the way I would feel after.
I have to show myself that I can treat myself/have an off day and still maintain my momentum to be better beyond that. For so long it's been all or nothing-- if I do good, it's great, but once I fall off it's like my inner voice saying 'See, I told you it wouldn't last'. I struggle with compulsive binge eating and I'm so over it all.
I just want to be healthy, and feel good-- and for food to be food and this is just something I have to get through.
FWIW, the meal was definitely not a regular thing. We go once every couple of years.
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Replies
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Vent away
Just know that you didn't ruin anything, you are still headed in the right direction, and it is perfectly normal to have a splurge day once in a blue moon.
Maybe it will help to focus on this part of your post:floofyschmoofer wrote: »
I have to show myself that I can treat myself/have an off day and still maintain my momentum to be better beyond that.
Today is where you make good on that.
It sounds like it was really yummy, hope you enjoyed it!7 -
First off, I can eat my weight in those cheese rolls. Seriously, I put down about 2 dozen min when I go to one of those places. But I plan for it and get right back to eating normally the next day. It sounds like you did that, but also learned a really good lesson. You didn't like the way you felt. That's feedback right there and how our mind and body learns. Next time, you will remember that feeling and want to avoid it by eating with a bit more moderation.3
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There's nothing like a photo to make me feel bad when I otherwise had a great time. I look back at photos from I was younger and thinner mentally smacking myself for hating those photos because I thought I looked fat. Now that I'm so much heavier, I would love to look like I do in those photos again. It sounds like it was a really fun and delicious dinner! You clearly know that you need to be kind to yourself and give yourself a break, so vent away.4
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mom23mangos wrote: »First off, I can eat my weight in those cheese rolls. Seriously, I put down about 2 dozen min when I go to one of those places. But I plan for it and get right back to eating normally the next day. It sounds like you did that, but also learned a really good lesson. You didn't like the way you felt. That's feedback right there and how our mind and body learns. Next time, you will remember that feeling and want to avoid it by eating with a bit more moderation.
There were no cheese rolls, but there were yeast dinner rolls with REAL BUTTER.
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Your post reminded me of this if I can get it down and making sense. About a week ago someone posted about being an all or nothing kind of person.
We are confined by the descriptions we put on ourselves and it sometimes creates problems. I recall thinking when I started- I want to be the kind of person who works out every day. So I became that kind of person. But that was a pretty direct set of things to do.
When I weighed 280+ lbs let’s say I was the guy always ready to go out for a good time. I’ve had countless dinners like you describe in a variety of restaurants.
But to weigh less I had to change that. The first few times I said no to stuff, it felt weird.
Then I was in the “Are you eating in forever?” dilemma. So I said yes to a couple of things and that felt weird.
Trying to say we can’t keep everything the same except weigh less. So here’s an opportunity. You suggest you want to have an off day but keep going in the long run. Today’s the day. Expect it to feel strange. It’s uncharted waters but you can do this.
It’s just not possible to do something as long term as weight loss and not have overages here and there. Keep going. No one meal counts for anything in the big picture.
Btw my strategy has always been to log it. Even the epic face plant into the dessert table at the cookout. As outlandish as the numbers were, I tried to recall all of it and put down a number.6 -
floofyschmoofer wrote: »
Is this the photo that made you feel bad? Stop it. You're beautiful with a wonderful smile. Too many of us have our self worth tied hard core to how we see our own appearance, and your value as a human being is much deeper than that.
Vent>Let it go> enjoy the day.9 -
Your post reminded me of this if I can get it down and making sense. About a week ago someone posted about being an all or nothing kind of person.
We are confined by the descriptions we put on ourselves and it sometimes creates problems. I recall thinking when I started- I want to be the kind of person who works out every day. So I became that kind of person. But that was a pretty direct set of things to do.
When I weighed 280+ lbs let’s say I was the guy always ready to go out for a good time. I’ve had countless dinners like you describe in a variety of restaurants.
But to weigh less I had to change that. The first few times I said no to stuff, it felt weird.
Then I was in the “Are you eating in forever?” dilemma. So I said yes to a couple of things and that felt weird.
Trying to say we can’t keep everything the same except weigh less. So here’s an opportunity. You suggest you want to have an off day but keep going in the long run. Today’s the day. Expect it to feel strange. It’s uncharted waters but you can do this.
It’s just not possible to do something as long term as weight loss and not have overages here and there. Keep going. No one meal counts for anything in the big picture.
Btw my strategy has always been to log it. Even the epic face plant into the dessert table at the cookout. As outlandish as the numbers were, I tried to recall all of it and put down a number.
You're exactly right.
I have done things in the same (unhealthy) way for so long that this is new territory for me and a bit scary. It truly is up to me to show me I can do this.
I made sure to prep my eggs and turkey sausage before bed last night. Had my usual coffee (50ish calories) and now I'm snacking on grapes and chugging water. I had breakfast, logged it, and went ahead and logged my lunch too so I'll stick to it.
I wish I knew whether the depression I'm feeling today is intensified/sparked by poor food choices or if it is just residual/continual effects from me mentally berating myself for enjoying myself so much yesterday. If excessive, calorie-laden food is an actual trigger for my mental issues, that's even more incentive to continue toward my health goals.
I hadn't realized how much better I had felt overall-- physically and mentally, especially-- until I didn't anymore.
We go to the gym tonight, and I suspect it won't be too hard to avoid the free pizza at Planet Fitness if I'm still feeling this way by then.
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floofyschmoofer wrote: »
Is this the photo that made you feel bad? Stop it. You're beautiful with a wonderful smile. Too many of us have our self worth tied hard core to how we see our own appearance, and your value as a human being is much deeper than that.
Vent>Let it go> enjoy the day.
Thank you. I am hoping with some increased health will come an increased sense of self worth. I've avoided myself in mirrors for months.
And yeah! That's the plan. We are both doing well on our plans again today (we are doing this together) and putting last night behind us.
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floofyschmoofer wrote: »
You're beautiful.0 -
Very relatable post....just know you are not alone in having a dysfunctional relationship with food and your body! I've wasted so much time on fretting over what I eat and how I look!4
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Try to remember that shame is not a great motivator. It usually propels us in the opposite direction of healthy eating and healthy activities. Cruelty is a not a cheerleader - and that includes you being cruel to yourself.6
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I love your writing. I can also absolutely relate. Agreed with everyone re: don't beat yourself up. That photo is wonderful! You look great. Keep heading in the right direction, and even with a setback here and there, you're still heading in the right direction. That's what matters.2
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Agree with everyone saying you look great and shouldn't let one planned cheat day get you down. Today is a new day, new decisions, so no dwelling on the past.
Also, if you don't enjoy all the food at Cowboy you are wasting the meal. That place has been amazing and soooo worth the calories every time we go!1 -
saraonly9913 wrote: »floofyschmoofer wrote: »
You're beautiful.
My head says you're lying to make me feel better but my heart and my southern upbringing says be gracious and thank you, so thank you. It doesn't hurt to hear.
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Try to remember that shame is not a great motivator. It usually propels us in the opposite direction of healthy eating and healthy activities. Cruelty is a not a cheerleader - and that includes you being cruel to yourself.
Shame is my default setting.
Can anyone find my reset button?!3 -
floofyschmoofer wrote: »(snip for length)
I wish I knew whether the depression I'm feeling today is intensified/sparked by poor food choices or if it is just residual/continual effects from me mentally berating myself for enjoying myself so much yesterday. If excessive, calorie-laden food is an actual trigger for my mental issues, that's even more incentive to continue toward my health goals.
I hadn't realized how much better I had felt overall-- physically and mentally, especially-- until I didn't anymore.
YES. I have found that the binge-ice-cream bars or the occasional dinner like the one you describe tastes SO good going down -- but then I feel vile physically and mentally afterwards. Not in a "I hate-myself" kind of way, usually, though there is also a bit of that, but in a physical and emotional way. I feel logy, often get a migraine, find it hard to concentrate, and just feel physically sub-par. Emotionally, I drop way, way down. Since food breaks down into the chemicals, amino acids, nutrients, and other things we need, it stands to reason that things that it would also affect our well-being and emotional health if we get a whopper does of the things our bodies aren't used to (however tasty!).
You're doing the right thing: picking yourself up, asking for support, going back to the gym. (And seriously, what kind of gym offers free pizza? That's just mean
)
Eventually, you get to the point where you can either moderate OR see the blip as the very occasional "It's worth it" meal.
Something attributed to C.S. Lewis makes sense here. "The pain now is part of the joy then." He was writing about grief and loss, not just as a link between love and loss, but as a reminder to *feel* that joy because the loss WILL come. Here, there's a similar principle. When you go off track, be deliberate about it (as it sounds as if you were), and know that there will be an equally temporary cost. Knowing that going in means that you can make better choices about how far to go, but also that you can and will enjoy the heck out of it -- you've accepted the result, and budgeted for it. And since you'll feel the same way whether you emotionally budget for it or not -- ENJOY your treat. Be mindful about how it tastes, how you feel, etc. If you're going to feel the physical down, enjoy what got you there -- and that enjoyment is a bulwark against the depression. "I knew it would feel like this, and I won't do this every day. Look at how far I have come that I DO feel this way -- and IT WAS WORTH IT."
I don't know if that makes any sense or helps, so if not, toss it in the circular file.1 -
saraonly9913 wrote: »floofyschmoofer wrote: »
You're beautiful.
I was just going to post the same.2 -
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@ Aelie1963
That makes a lot of sense! Thank you for such a thoughtful response.
I expected to feel a bit off, physically, but the mental was a surprise-- though looking back, it shouldn't have been.
I saw a quote earlier that said: When you stumble, make it part of the dance. It really resonated with me. Success is not linear. Rome wasn't built in a day. Yada yada, etc etc. It's all part of the process, especially coming from where I am.
I'm hoping to get to a place where I can balance the occasional indulgent meal with a lifestyle of mindful choices, and much with anything else, new things are scary for me. And that kind of attitude is very new. I haven't been mindful in a long, long time-- and the C.S. Lewis quote being about grief is wildly appropriate because I know grief well. The loss of my Dad sent me off a huge emotional cliff that had me medicating with food and ballooning up to where I am now.
Pain and joy, it's a balance for sure.4 -
floofyschmoofer wrote: »saraonly9913 wrote: »floofyschmoofer wrote: »
You're beautiful.
My head says you're lying to make me feel better but my heart and my southern upbringing says be gracious and thank you, so thank you. It doesn't hurt to hear.
I'm speaking the truth. You are very welcome.0 -
Thank y'all. I'm feeling a lot more positive.1
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floofyschmoofer wrote: »
You look SO cute! I hate that you're beating yourself up. 😞1 -
floofyschmoofer wrote: »Your post reminded me of this if I can get it down and making sense. About a week ago someone posted about being an all or nothing kind of person.
We are confined by the descriptions we put on ourselves and it sometimes creates problems. I recall thinking when I started- I want to be the kind of person who works out every day. So I became that kind of person. But that was a pretty direct set of things to do.
When I weighed 280+ lbs let’s say I was the guy always ready to go out for a good time. I’ve had countless dinners like you describe in a variety of restaurants.
But to weigh less I had to change that. The first few times I said no to stuff, it felt weird.
Then I was in the “Are you eating in forever?” dilemma. So I said yes to a couple of things and that felt weird.
Trying to say we can’t keep everything the same except weigh less. So here’s an opportunity. You suggest you want to have an off day but keep going in the long run. Today’s the day. Expect it to feel strange. It’s uncharted waters but you can do this.
It’s just not possible to do something as long term as weight loss and not have overages here and there. Keep going. No one meal counts for anything in the big picture.
Btw my strategy has always been to log it. Even the epic face plant into the dessert table at the cookout. As outlandish as the numbers were, I tried to recall all of it and put down a number.
You're exactly right.
I have done things in the same (unhealthy) way for so long that this is new territory for me and a bit scary. It truly is up to me to show me I can do this.
I made sure to prep my eggs and turkey sausage before bed last night. Had my usual coffee (50ish calories) and now I'm snacking on grapes and chugging water. I had breakfast, logged it, and went ahead and logged my lunch too so I'll stick to it.
I wish I knew whether the depression I'm feeling today is intensified/sparked by poor food choices or if it is just residual/continual effects from me mentally berating myself for enjoying myself so much yesterday. If excessive, calorie-laden food is an actual trigger for my mental issues, that's even more incentive to continue toward my health goals.
I hadn't realized how much better I had felt overall-- physically and mentally, especially-- until I didn't anymore.
We go to the gym tonight, and I suspect it won't be too hard to avoid the free pizza at Planet Fitness if I'm still feeling this way by then.
They offer free pizza at your GYM? Talk about business development!
1 -
Free pizza at the gym is just MEAN! What the hell are they thinking?
Other than that - you look lovely! And everyone else has already said great stuff about not beating yourself up and start again tomorrow etc etc. I concur with all of that.
You are def not alone with having a *kitten* relationship with food. Lots of us are on here exactly for that reason!!!
YOu got this - just keep going and hey - those big celebration meals are just that - celebration! Enjoy, don't demonise it, and just get back on the wagon the day after.
HUGS1 -
floofyschmoofer wrote: »
You look SO cute! I hate that you're beating yourself up. 😞
Aw, thank you.1 -
floofyschmoofer wrote: »Your post reminded me of this if I can get it down and making sense. About a week ago someone posted about being an all or nothing kind of person.
We are confined by the descriptions we put on ourselves and it sometimes creates problems. I recall thinking when I started- I want to be the kind of person who works out every day. So I became that kind of person. But that was a pretty direct set of things to do.
When I weighed 280+ lbs let’s say I was the guy always ready to go out for a good time. I’ve had countless dinners like you describe in a variety of restaurants.
But to weigh less I had to change that. The first few times I said no to stuff, it felt weird.
Then I was in the “Are you eating in forever?” dilemma. So I said yes to a couple of things and that felt weird.
Trying to say we can’t keep everything the same except weigh less. So here’s an opportunity. You suggest you want to have an off day but keep going in the long run. Today’s the day. Expect it to feel strange. It’s uncharted waters but you can do this.
It’s just not possible to do something as long term as weight loss and not have overages here and there. Keep going. No one meal counts for anything in the big picture.
Btw my strategy has always been to log it. Even the epic face plant into the dessert table at the cookout. As outlandish as the numbers were, I tried to recall all of it and put down a number.
You're exactly right.
I have done things in the same (unhealthy) way for so long that this is new territory for me and a bit scary. It truly is up to me to show me I can do this.
I made sure to prep my eggs and turkey sausage before bed last night. Had my usual coffee (50ish calories) and now I'm snacking on grapes and chugging water. I had breakfast, logged it, and went ahead and logged my lunch too so I'll stick to it.
I wish I knew whether the depression I'm feeling today is intensified/sparked by poor food choices or if it is just residual/continual effects from me mentally berating myself for enjoying myself so much yesterday. If excessive, calorie-laden food is an actual trigger for my mental issues, that's even more incentive to continue toward my health goals.
I hadn't realized how much better I had felt overall-- physically and mentally, especially-- until I didn't anymore.
We go to the gym tonight, and I suspect it won't be too hard to avoid the free pizza at Planet Fitness if I'm still feeling this way by then.
They offer free pizza at your GYM? Talk about business development!
Planet Fitness does free pizza the first Monday of every month AND free bagels for breakfast the second Tuesday of the month.
It's pretty cool. I mean, evil, sure, but it lets me exercise my Willpower Muscle a little every few weeks if I need to.1 -
I weighed in this morning after being very, very good yesterday and kicking my own butt at the gym last night.
I'm down a half pound from where I was Sunday, before The Feast. I did it. I cried a little 'cause I was proud.
Speed bumps are something I'll eventually make my peace with. Thanks so much for all the support. I'm at work again, chowing down on my eggs and turkey sausage and coffee. Depression symptoms are still there but they're running the background now and I can override them a little more than yesterday. Hopefully, tomorrow I'll feel like me again.9 -
floofyschmoofer wrote: »Try to remember that shame is not a great motivator. It usually propels us in the opposite direction of healthy eating and healthy activities. Cruelty is a not a cheerleader - and that includes you being cruel to yourself.
Shame is my default setting.
Can anyone find my reset button?!
If...if you were the one offering support to another woman here, your age, your height and your weight, would you be cruel to her? No, right? Of course not. What makes you worth any less?
Every day get a pen and paper. Electronics are a no no.
Write down two things about yourself that you like, tape it to the mirror you use the most and leave it for a day. Next day do it again with two more things.
I don't even know you and I'll give you 5 things I'm confident of, just from this thread.
1. Beautiful smile
2. Beautiful eyes
3. Open and honest
4. Thoughtful
5. Working on improving yourself (and you're doing it )
There's a start on that reset button for you, and there are any number of folks here (as you can see) all willing to jump in and support you.14 -
floofyschmoofer wrote: »Try to remember that shame is not a great motivator. It usually propels us in the opposite direction of healthy eating and healthy activities. Cruelty is a not a cheerleader - and that includes you being cruel to yourself.
Shame is my default setting.
Can anyone find my reset button?!
If...if you were the one offering support to another woman here, your age, your height and your weight, would you be cruel to her? No, right? Of course not. What makes you worth any less?
Every day get a pen and paper. Electronics are a no no.
Write down two things about yourself that you like, tape it to the mirror you use the most and leave it for a day. Next day do it again with two more things.
I don't even know you and I'll give you 5 things I'm confident of, just from this thread.
1. Beautiful smile
2. Beautiful eyes
3. Open and honest
4. Thoughtful
5. Working on improving yourself (and you're doing it )
There's a start on that reset button for you, and there are any number of folks here (as you can see) all willing to jump in and support you.
Thank you!1
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