Just venting.

We went to Cowboy Brazilian Steakhouse last night. There were 16 different meats. There were rolls. There was feta pasta salad. There was grilled cinnamon pineapple. There was RED VELVET CHEESECAKE. I ate it all. I'm beating myself up today and depression has me in it's grip this morning as well. Sigh.

Seeing the photo that my boyfriend's sister took of me (and him, we took bunches of photos 'cause it was his birthday dinner) just drove it home. It burst my bubble of Feel Good that I've been working on blowing up for over a month now. Nevermind that my belly was full of delicious food so of course I would look more plump than I did when I left the house feeling mostly confident.

I'm aware my relationship with food is an unhealthy one. Maybe even a tumultuous one. I use it for comfort, for punishment, for reward, a friend, "medicine" for when I'm struggling, for an activity when I'm bored.

I've been doing really well at being more active, and maintaining a mindful diet of less than 1,950 calories.

This 'cheat' meal was planned, and anticipated, I just didn't anticipate the way I would feel after.

I have to show myself that I can treat myself/have an off day and still maintain my momentum to be better beyond that. For so long it's been all or nothing-- if I do good, it's great, but once I fall off it's like my inner voice saying 'See, I told you it wouldn't last'. I struggle with compulsive binge eating and I'm so over it all.

I just want to be healthy, and feel good-- and for food to be food and this is just something I have to get through.

FWIW, the meal was definitely not a regular thing. We go once every couple of years.
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Replies

  • mom23mangos
    mom23mangos Posts: 3,071 Member
    First off, I can eat my weight in those cheese rolls. Seriously, I put down about 2 dozen min when I go to one of those places. But I plan for it and get right back to eating normally the next day. It sounds like you did that, but also learned a really good lesson. You didn't like the way you felt. That's feedback right there and how our mind and body learns. Next time, you will remember that feeling and want to avoid it by eating with a bit more moderation.
  • puffbrat
    puffbrat Posts: 2,806 Member
    There's nothing like a photo to make me feel bad when I otherwise had a great time. I look back at photos from I was younger and thinner mentally smacking myself for hating those photos because I thought I looked fat. Now that I'm so much heavier, I would love to look like I do in those photos again. It sounds like it was a really fun and delicious dinner! You clearly know that you need to be kind to yourself and give yourself a break, so vent away.
  • floofyschmoofer
    floofyschmoofer Posts: 209 Member
    First off, I can eat my weight in those cheese rolls. Seriously, I put down about 2 dozen min when I go to one of those places. But I plan for it and get right back to eating normally the next day. It sounds like you did that, but also learned a really good lesson. You didn't like the way you felt. That's feedback right there and how our mind and body learns. Next time, you will remember that feeling and want to avoid it by eating with a bit more moderation.

    There were no cheese rolls, but there were yeast dinner rolls with REAL BUTTER.

  • floofyschmoofer
    floofyschmoofer Posts: 209 Member
    88olds wrote: »
    Your post reminded me of this if I can get it down and making sense. About a week ago someone posted about being an all or nothing kind of person.

    We are confined by the descriptions we put on ourselves and it sometimes creates problems. I recall thinking when I started- I want to be the kind of person who works out every day. So I became that kind of person. But that was a pretty direct set of things to do.

    When I weighed 280+ lbs let’s say I was the guy always ready to go out for a good time. I’ve had countless dinners like you describe in a variety of restaurants.

    But to weigh less I had to change that. The first few times I said no to stuff, it felt weird.
    Then I was in the “Are you eating in forever?” dilemma. So I said yes to a couple of things and that felt weird.

    Trying to say we can’t keep everything the same except weigh less. So here’s an opportunity. You suggest you want to have an off day but keep going in the long run. Today’s the day. Expect it to feel strange. It’s uncharted waters but you can do this.

    It’s just not possible to do something as long term as weight loss and not have overages here and there. Keep going. No one meal counts for anything in the big picture.

    Btw my strategy has always been to log it. Even the epic face plant into the dessert table at the cookout. As outlandish as the numbers were, I tried to recall all of it and put down a number.

    You're exactly right.

    I have done things in the same (unhealthy) way for so long that this is new territory for me and a bit scary. It truly is up to me to show me I can do this.

    I made sure to prep my eggs and turkey sausage before bed last night. Had my usual coffee (50ish calories) and now I'm snacking on grapes and chugging water. I had breakfast, logged it, and went ahead and logged my lunch too so I'll stick to it.

    I wish I knew whether the depression I'm feeling today is intensified/sparked by poor food choices or if it is just residual/continual effects from me mentally berating myself for enjoying myself so much yesterday. If excessive, calorie-laden food is an actual trigger for my mental issues, that's even more incentive to continue toward my health goals.

    I hadn't realized how much better I had felt overall-- physically and mentally, especially-- until I didn't anymore.

    We go to the gym tonight, and I suspect it won't be too hard to avoid the free pizza at Planet Fitness if I'm still feeling this way by then.

  • floofyschmoofer
    floofyschmoofer Posts: 209 Member
    edited July 2019
    Phirrgus wrote: »
    qtoy1zpsr4k9.jpg

    Is this the photo that made you feel bad? Stop it. You're beautiful with a wonderful smile. Too many of us have our self worth tied hard core to how we see our own appearance, and your value as a human being is much deeper than that. ;)

    Vent>Let it go> enjoy the day.

    Thank you. I am hoping with some increased health will come an increased sense of self worth. I've avoided myself in mirrors for months.

    And yeah! That's the plan. :) We are both doing well on our plans again today (we are doing this together) and putting last night behind us.
  • saraonly9913
    saraonly9913 Posts: 467 Member
    qtoy1zpsr4k9.jpg

    You're beautiful.
  • tmbg1
    tmbg1 Posts: 883 Member
    Very relatable post....just know you are not alone in having a dysfunctional relationship with food and your body! I've wasted so much time on fretting over what I eat and how I look!
  • BluGnat
    BluGnat Posts: 35 Member
    I love your writing. I can also absolutely relate. Agreed with everyone re: don't beat yourself up. That photo is wonderful! You look great. Keep heading in the right direction, and even with a setback here and there, you're still heading in the right direction. That's what matters.
  • emmies_123
    emmies_123 Posts: 513 Member
    Agree with everyone saying you look great and shouldn't let one planned cheat day get you down. Today is a new day, new decisions, so no dwelling on the past.

    Also, if you don't enjoy all the food at Cowboy you are wasting the meal. That place has been amazing and soooo worth the calories every time we go!
  • floofyschmoofer
    floofyschmoofer Posts: 209 Member
    qtoy1zpsr4k9.jpg

    You're beautiful.

    My head says you're lying to make me feel better but my heart and my southern upbringing says be gracious and thank you, so thank you. It doesn't hurt to hear.

  • floofyschmoofer
    floofyschmoofer Posts: 209 Member
    Five0Six wrote: »
    Try to remember that shame is not a great motivator. It usually propels us in the opposite direction of healthy eating and healthy activities. Cruelty is a not a cheerleader - and that includes you being cruel to yourself.

    Shame is my default setting.

    Can anyone find my reset button?!
  • Aelie1963
    Aelie1963 Posts: 12 Member
    88olds wrote: »
    (snip for length)
    I wish I knew whether the depression I'm feeling today is intensified/sparked by poor food choices or if it is just residual/continual effects from me mentally berating myself for enjoying myself so much yesterday. If excessive, calorie-laden food is an actual trigger for my mental issues, that's even more incentive to continue toward my health goals.

    I hadn't realized how much better I had felt overall-- physically and mentally, especially-- until I didn't anymore.

    YES. I have found that the binge-ice-cream bars or the occasional dinner like the one you describe tastes SO good going down -- but then I feel vile physically and mentally afterwards. Not in a "I hate-myself" kind of way, usually, though there is also a bit of that, but in a physical and emotional way. I feel logy, often get a migraine, find it hard to concentrate, and just feel physically sub-par. Emotionally, I drop way, way down. Since food breaks down into the chemicals, amino acids, nutrients, and other things we need, it stands to reason that things that it would also affect our well-being and emotional health if we get a whopper does of the things our bodies aren't used to (however tasty!).

    You're doing the right thing: picking yourself up, asking for support, going back to the gym. (And seriously, what kind of gym offers free pizza? That's just mean :D:D:D )

    Eventually, you get to the point where you can either moderate OR see the blip as the very occasional "It's worth it" meal.

    Something attributed to C.S. Lewis makes sense here. "The pain now is part of the joy then." He was writing about grief and loss, not just as a link between love and loss, but as a reminder to *feel* that joy because the loss WILL come. Here, there's a similar principle. When you go off track, be deliberate about it (as it sounds as if you were), and know that there will be an equally temporary cost. Knowing that going in means that you can make better choices about how far to go, but also that you can and will enjoy the heck out of it -- you've accepted the result, and budgeted for it. And since you'll feel the same way whether you emotionally budget for it or not -- ENJOY your treat. Be mindful about how it tastes, how you feel, etc. If you're going to feel the physical down, enjoy what got you there -- and that enjoyment is a bulwark against the depression. "I knew it would feel like this, and I won't do this every day. Look at how far I have come that I DO feel this way -- and IT WAS WORTH IT."

    I don't know if that makes any sense or helps, so if not, toss it in the circular file.
  • kellyswimmer
    kellyswimmer Posts: 581 Member
    qtoy1zpsr4k9.jpg

    You're beautiful.

    I was just going to post the same.
  • floofyschmoofer
    floofyschmoofer Posts: 209 Member
    edited July 2019
    :)
  • floofyschmoofer
    floofyschmoofer Posts: 209 Member
    @ Aelie1963


    That makes a lot of sense! Thank you for such a thoughtful response.

    I expected to feel a bit off, physically, but the mental was a surprise-- though looking back, it shouldn't have been.

    I saw a quote earlier that said: When you stumble, make it part of the dance. It really resonated with me. Success is not linear. Rome wasn't built in a day. Yada yada, etc etc. It's all part of the process, especially coming from where I am.

    I'm hoping to get to a place where I can balance the occasional indulgent meal with a lifestyle of mindful choices, and much with anything else, new things are scary for me. And that kind of attitude is very new. I haven't been mindful in a long, long time-- and the C.S. Lewis quote being about grief is wildly appropriate because I know grief well. The loss of my Dad sent me off a huge emotional cliff that had me medicating with food and ballooning up to where I am now.

    Pain and joy, it's a balance for sure.