How to get over being sad and lonely
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Being in a relationship won't guarantee you'll feel less lonely or sad. I speak from experience. I second the comments recommending finding some friends with common interests.0
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Just spotted this discussion forum and it has struck a chord.
To cut a long story short, in the space of 2yrs my life emotionally/mentally, has gone from being on a real high when I met my now ex-wife, to an all time low. The breakdown of the relationship affected me so badly, I even landed in prison for 3 weeks on remand and now have a criminal record.
Glad to say that recovery is progressing and is involving Counselling/Therapy.
However, the feelings of pain, real despair, depression and extreme loneliness are all familiar to me. Even contemplated taking my own life, I was that low.
Feeling better about oneself physically is helping.
Music(pop/rock/soul) plays a big part in my life. So many songs with lyrics that really hit deep and stir so many memories. Try to now avoid listening to sad songs about heartache etc but still the occasional one gets through the guard. Motown from the golden era of 60’s & 70’s really capture it all.
The need to improve physically has given me some focus to try and restore self-belief, confidence, esteem etc and get my ‘Mojo’ back.
It’s hard being alone/single. Everywhere I look I seem to see men & women enjoying life and I ask myself, what’s the matter with me?
To all those out there who like me, have suffered or are suffering, hang in there.
Naveed (London, UK)
I’m sorry Naveed, love sucks sometimes. Music saves me, it can change my mood instantly. Any favorite songs that help you? I’m glad to hear your physical activity is helping. My diet has been crap lately as has my exercise. I know I would feel better if I get back at it. I don’t think I’m depressed, I just enjoy eating pizza sitting on the couch watching bad reality tv.1 -
That's exactly the sort of thing I'd admit upfront. It's endearing damnit!caco_ethes wrote: »Like, for example, it’s important that you never admit that you pour milk on your ice cream or clip your toenails into the couch or don’t dust the fan blades. These are things you might not otherwise know to keep secret if not for a bad date somewhere in your recent past 🤷🏼♀️2 -
caco_ethes wrote: »People say “learn to love yourself first and love will follow”
I usually think about this, and I have a problem with it. People are confused by what "love yourself" means, there are different connotations to it. I believe this - if you're hurting yourself - you're not loving yourself. If you are just being normal, then you're already loving yourself. People are different, some people like to be alone and others are uncomfortable in their own company. We can't shun ourselves from everyone just because we think we're not doing a good job of loving ourselves. And in doing that - you're hurting yourself. Get the hell out there and experiment is what I say. If we still have ignorance about things, the path to loving oneself cannot be known.
My problem for years was that I thought I was someone else. I was trying to fit into shoes that were not for me. I'm starting to see more clearly, I'm starting to realize that I'm not actually introverted. But my introversion was brought upon me through confusion and idolizing other introverts.
Agree completely. There are so many trite sayings that get thrown around as solid advice (guilty of doing it myself too) and it oversimplifies people’s situations to a comical degree, not to mention that there’s no real guidance given beyond the catch phrase. Like you say, how the heck do you love yourself just because someone told you you have to? 😁2 -
caco_ethes wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »People say “learn to love yourself first and love will follow”
I usually think about this, and I have a problem with it. People are confused by what "love yourself" means, there are different connotations to it. I believe this - if you're hurting yourself - you're not loving yourself. If you are just being normal, then you're already loving yourself. People are different, some people like to be alone and others are uncomfortable in their own company. We can't shun ourselves from everyone just because we think we're not doing a good job of loving ourselves. And in doing that - you're hurting yourself. Get the hell out there and experiment is what I say. If we still have ignorance about things, the path to loving oneself cannot be known.
My problem for years was that I thought I was someone else. I was trying to fit into shoes that were not for me. I'm starting to see more clearly, I'm starting to realize that I'm not actually introverted. But my introversion was brought upon me through confusion and idolizing other introverts.
Agree completely. There are so many trite sayings that get thrown around as solid advice (guilty of doing it myself too) and it oversimplifies people’s situations to a comical degree, not to mention that there’s no real guidance given beyond the catch phrase. Like you say, how the heck do you love yourself just because someone told you you have to? 😁
I struggled with that one too as I'm rather a concrete thinker and don't do well with vague abstractions. Plus I think I'm so far from loving myself that it's kind of an impossible goal.
Then someone suggested that I look at it as acceptance of myself instead, and arriving at a degree of comfort with who I am, instead of seeing my character traits as faults that need to be fixed so I am more like other people. Value my uniqueness and individuality.
For example, I'm an introvert. Instead of forcing myself to be more social because of some notion that extroversion is "better", accept that is who I am and it's okay.
I second the idea of volunteering. If you want appreciation, you'll get heaps of it as a volunteer. Plus you'll be getting out and meeting other people. Find an area of interest that suits your skills and offer your time, there are hundreds of different organizations to choose from.0 -
"fastfoodietofitcutie;c-
Just spotted this discussion forum and it has struck a chord.
To cut a long story short, in the space of 2yrs my life emotionally/mentally, has gone from being on a real high when I met my now ex-wife, to an all time low. The breakdown of the relationship affected me so badly, I even landed in prison for 3 weeks on remand and now have a criminal record.
Glad to say that recovery is progressing and is involving Counselling/Therapy.
However, the feelings of pain, real despair, depression and extreme loneliness are all familiar to me. Even contemplated taking my own life, I was that low.
Feeling better about oneself physically is helping.
Music(pop/rock/soul) plays a big part in my life. So many songs with lyrics that really hit deep and stir so many memories. Try to now avoid listening to sad songs about heartache etc but still the occasional one gets through the guard. Motown from the golden era of 60’s & 70’s really capture it all.
The need to improve physically has given me some focus to try and restore self-belief, confidence, esteem etc and get my ‘Mojo’ back.
It’s hard being alone/single. Everywhere I look I seem to see men & women enjoying life and I ask myself, what’s the matter with me?
To all those out there who like me, have suffered or are suffering, hang in there.
Naveed (London, UK)[/quote]fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »
I’m sorry Naveed, love sucks sometimes. Music saves me, it can change my mood instantly. Any favorite songs that help you? I’m glad to hear your physical activity is helping. My diet has been crap lately as has my exercise. I know I would feel better if I get back at it. I don’t think I’m depressed, I just enjoy eating pizza sitting on the couch watching bad reality tv.0 -
I’ve been through the mill of emotions and yes I did feel that Love Sucks for a long time. Getting better but still have bad days/moments. My pop collection has helped. So many favorite songs but to name a few:
My whole world ended -David Ruffin
Tears of a Clown-Smokey Robinson
HAPPY Radio - Edwin Starr - Really lifts the spirits
R.O.C.K in the USA - John Mellencamp -another song that is upbeat.
Went through the cycle of comfort eating and bad diet but have got through that mostly. Also been through the phase of not really wanting to do much. Had some days where I just stayed in bed all day, even though I was not ill. As they say, time does heal eventually. Hope you get over your bad times.
Naveed1 -
fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »Warning, this is going to be a pathetic post. I just can’t find anyone. I’m in my 40’s, single, no kids. In a hook up culture no one wants a relationship anymore. I was opposed to dating someone with kids and finally caved since I’m eliminating a large percentage of the dating pool. Dated someone for a few months and it ended in an epic disaster (just like I thought dating someone with kids would) due to scheduling and custody issues.
I know I need more hobbies. It just sucks doing everything alone. I’m the only single person in my family and all my friends are married so even though we get together once in a while I’m mostly alone.
Ok, pity party rant over.
So sorry you're dealing with this! I believe everybody has times like this.
I highly recommend meetup.com (I think someone else suggested that). You can find people doing things you like to do, even if it's just meeting over coffee to chat about some topic. I wager there's already a meetup group in your area formed around something you enjoy doing. It's not perfect, but it's connecting with other humans who have similar interests to yours, which I think is a great way to find compatible people.
Best of luck!
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Life has taught me that being alone is far different than being lonely. I've accepted that being comfortable with myself as a single person is just as rewarding as being in a good relationship.
Because there is nothing shameful about respecting and accepting one's individuality. It's not arrogance, selfishness, or conceit to have the strength to stand on my own two feet to survive and be independent.
I have grown more confident because of it and surprisingly, that confidence has attracted more good people into my life. Not to mention I no longer have the gloomy feelings I had in my past.2 -
tinkerhellraiser wrote: »fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »tinkerhellraiser wrote: »you could buy a really nice car with all the money u save not having kids
also u can have as many cats as you want, like no one will tell you “that’s too many cats”
Except when you age and then they refer to you as "the crazy old cat lady". 😁🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱
Exactly! No one wants to be the old crazy cat lady!
I already have the really nice car. 😉
i feel ‘crazy cat lady’ is a derogatory term and anyways my kitties UNDERSTAND me
Hahahaha!!! My co-workers call me the crazy cat lady on a regular basis.....mostly because a feral cat had kittens behind our shop and I'm on a mission to tame them & take them home for barn kitties! I generally spend 15 min of my lunch hour hanging out with them - it's a huge mood boost! (I second the above poster - they DO UNDERSTAND ME! LOL)
Seriously tho - spending time volunteering would be such a positive thing to do. You'd be amazed at what it will do for anyone's mindset.
Second thing - spend as much time outdoors as you can - go for walks/hikes - whatever.
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Being in a relationship won't guarantee you'll feel less lonely or sad. I speak from experience. I second the comments recommending finding some friends with common interests.
The loneliest/saddest I've ever been in my life wasn't when I was single - it was when I was married to narcissist. I'll take being single any day over the daily emotional abuse he dished out.
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If I may, I've found this to be helpful to myself in my personal depression journey.
https://youtu.be/Xm_2zmX6Akc 1 -
Someone named Lonestar just sent me a very nice message and friend request and I accidentally deleted it. I don’t know the exact member handle so I can’t find this person to send them a friend request so if you’re Lonestar, my apologies.0
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I'm in a similar situation. I only have my son every other week and I have no family in state. As an introvert, it's very easy to slowly devolve into being a hermit and never leaving my house. I have to force myself to get out and be social. I joined a bunch of meetup groups and starting attending various activities - hiking, tubing, paddleboarding, etc. It really does help, and it gives me something to look forward to. Bonus - I don't have to plan any of the activities or invite anyone or work around anyone's schedules. I just pick one I like and click a button to attend.1
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_BlahBlah_BlackSheep_ wrote: »I'm in a similar situation. I only have my son every other week and I have no family in state. As an introvert, it's very easy to slowly devolve into being a hermit and never leaving my house. I have to force myself to get out and be social. I joined a bunch of meetup groups and starting attending various activities - hiking, tubing, paddleboarding, etc. It really does help, and it gives me something to look forward to. Bonus - I don't have to plan any of the activities or invite anyone or work around anyone's schedules. I just pick one I like and click a button to attend.
Glad I'm not the only one who uses that site. I had to start an weekly event, because there weren't that many things happening during days when I was available. I was actually able to make some friends this way, believe it or not.1 -
Let things happen organically. Start by volunteering. I've meet some awesome people doing this. Regardless of outcomes it's very fulfilling to volunteer. I've also made a lot of friends volunteering - a lot of which I hang out with on a frequent basis.
Also, no need to "hook up" with anyone. The minute you give it up, most men lose interest. That's how we are designed.2 -
Be careful what you wish for. I was single most of my life. I loved it!! Travelled, started my own business, had a ball. Never really wanted kids, so that was not a issue for me. I got married at age 60. Four years into the marriage currently. Not really sure I made the right move.... just another perspective on life's weird twists...2
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fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »Warning, this is going to be a pathetic post. I just can’t find anyone. I’m in my 40’s, single, no kids. In a hook up culture no one wants a relationship anymore. I was opposed to dating someone with kids and finally caved since I’m eliminating a large percentage of the dating pool. Dated someone for a few months and it ended in an epic disaster (just like I thought dating someone with kids would) due to scheduling and custody issues.
I know I need more hobbies. It just sucks doing everything alone. I’m the only single person in my family and all my friends are married so even though we get together once in a while I’m mostly alone.
Ok, pity party rant over.
Haven't read all the comments.
I met my husband doing volunteer work for something we were both passionate about. We got to know each other as friends and people first and then fell in love. Meeting someone was the last thing on my mind, it just happened. The point is many people end up with successful relationships when they meet over a common serious interest. Consider volunteer work for something you really love.0
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