How to get over being sad and lonely

fastfoodietofitcutie
fastfoodietofitcutie Posts: 523 Member
in Chit-Chat
Warning, this is going to be a pathetic post. I just can’t find anyone. I’m in my 40’s, single, no kids. In a hook up culture no one wants a relationship anymore. I was opposed to dating someone with kids and finally caved since I’m eliminating a large percentage of the dating pool. Dated someone for a few months and it ended in an epic disaster (just like I thought dating someone with kids would) due to scheduling and custody issues.

I know I need more hobbies. It just sucks doing everything alone. I’m the only single person in my family and all my friends are married so even though we get together once in a while I’m mostly alone.

Ok, pity party rant over.
«13

Replies

  • Unknown
    Unknown
    This content has been removed.
  • InkgirlKC
    InkgirlKC Posts: 251 Member
    I am a single mom but have put dating men on pause. I'm not looking forward to getting back into it.
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,710 Member
    I love my OH of 4 years, but I seriously do miss many aspects of single life. That's why I was single for almost 15 years. I miss going on vacation alone. I miss going out for dinner and movies alone. I miss hogging the bed and my word being law.

    My OH felt like you do, and worried about me being so much older and having kids not that much younger than him.

    I think my experience sums up my opinions on the matter. Good luck in finding your own happiness, perhaps in unexpected places.
  • fastfoodietofitcutie
    fastfoodietofitcutie Posts: 523 Member
    LyndaBSS wrote: »
    I met my late husband on a dating website. He let me know right away that he had a 6 y.o. son. I told him that as long as he wasn't a brat, that was fine. Was I looking for a guy with a kid? No. Am I grateful it happened? You bet I am.

    Yes, his ex-wife was horrible. Yes, she interfered in our lives in very negative ways. Did I learn to deal with her diplomatically? Yes.

    I will never forget the day that both father and son proposed to me. I will always treasure the moments the three of us shared. I lost my husband to ALS a year ago. My stepson still comes up to visit. In fact, he'll be here tomorrow.

    Don't let one bad experience limit your dating pool.

    I’m sorry for your loss. I’m glad you have such a good relationship with your stepson.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    I feel like I'm saying the exact opposite of pretty much everyone else's post so far. But I think you ought to just keep trying to find that right person. It sounds like you want more of a romantic relationship partner rather than friends to me. I was strict in dating only people without kids who also never wanted kids (like myself) and yes, it eliminated a big portion of the dating pool but it was totally worth it to me. The last time I was online dating I was 35, so I understand also how hard it can be once you hit 30s-40s to find people who don't already have families with children. But they are out there. I'd keep trying. If you meet someone on a dating site or in real life and don't feel that they are looking for the same things and don't really "click" right away...just keep moving to the next person. There are a lot of people out there who are probably looking for the same thing you are.
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    This content has been removed.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    1sphere wrote: »
    seltzermint555 wrote: »
    I feel like I'm saying the exact opposite of pretty much everyone else's post so far. But I think you ought to just keep trying to find that right person. It sounds like you want more of a romantic relationship partner rather than friends to me.
    but can't this be destructive though (if it all goes south again)? I find it's too difficult to find that right person by chance. What about making new connections (both male and female), through mutual connections, or by other means?
    I get the people are usually busy and unavailable, but if you travel to spots where people chill out like seaside towns, you can sit beside people and even start a conversation with someone.

    I'm not sure what you mean. It's destructive to date and seek a romantic partner? Of course you can get hurt in love and romance, that's pretty much a given. But if you're youngish like OP mentions being in their 40s, and you would like a companion/partner, I don't think pals are a good substitute for a romantic relationship. Just my opinion. One can have both, of course.

    I don't know about this meeting up in seaside towns and all that, though. I live in a city in the Midwestern US where basically everyone meets online and doesn't really talk to strangers. Maybe in your twenties at college or bars, it's possible to meet organically, but outside of that - not so much, in my experience. Honestly I just tended to meet men who were married and looking for something on the side, or single dads hoping to find someone and I wasn't up for all that would entail if it became long term.
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    edited July 2019
    This content has been removed.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    1sphere wrote: »
    seltzermint555 wrote: »
    1sphere wrote: »
    seltzermint555 wrote: »
    I feel like I'm saying the exact opposite of pretty much everyone else's post so far. But I think you ought to just keep trying to find that right person. It sounds like you want more of a romantic relationship partner rather than friends to me.
    but can't this be destructive though (if it all goes south again)? I find it's too difficult to find that right person by chance. What about making new connections (both male and female), through mutual connections, or by other means?
    I get the people are usually busy and unavailable, but if you travel to spots where people chill out like seaside towns, you can sit beside people and even start a conversation with someone.

    I'm not sure what you mean. It's destructive to date and seek a romantic partner? Of course you can get hurt in love and romance, that's pretty much a given.
    I meant in the case that she put all her hope into one man (that she ends up meeting), as opposed to having friendship with multiple contacts first before dating. Although maybe the dating market is more lucrative online then and people are not actually stuck so much idk

    ahh I see what you mean also. Good to consider all the angles, for sure. I think when you meet someone online, the biggest thing is to meet up "face to face" ASAP. I know quite a few people who have wasted their time and energy on a catfish and/or become emotionally invested in someone online, only to find that they are incompatible once they meet.
  • nooshi713
    nooshi713 Posts: 4,877 Member
    I do feel you have to put yourself out there to date. That whole saying of not trying to find love, just letting it find you doesn’t work imo.

    I’m single also and all of my friends are married. If I just sat around and waited for something to magically happen, it probably never would. In the past when I have done that, I have gone years without a date. Go out and be social.
  • Dianetheinvincible
    Dianetheinvincible Posts: 18 Member
    edited July 2019
    I am single, mid-50s, live alone, etc. so I definitely feel your pain. Two things that I've found really helpful:

    1) According to a psychiatrist named Robert Maurer, research shows that the one thing that *truly* helps when you're feeling sad or lonely is just what you might expect: reaching out to another person. We are wired to live in social groups but in modern society many people are isolated. It can be scary to reach out to someone else, especially to make yourself vulnerable by sharing how you really feel. But it instantly makes you feel better. I agree with a previous poster that it's wise to focus on making some friends--real ones. BONUS: having that support network will really help give you more courage and confidence to seek out/attract the kind of romantic partner you want in your life, AND the more people you are friends with, the more potential partners you will meet through them or while you are out and about with them.

    2) Also, definitely get a pet. Research also shows not only do you feel less lonely when you have a pet, you are far less likely to die, of all causes, than those who live alone and don't have a pet. A dog, especially, will make you feel like a million bucks every time you come home. BONUS: Having a dog helps you get more exercise because they love to walk. DOUBLE BONUS: It's incredibly easy to meet people when you have a dog--everyone wants to stop and talk to you and pet your dog, and if you go to dog parks you will develop friendships with some of the "regulars" there. The vast majority of my social circle is other dog people. My little brother actually met his wife by *borrowing* a cute dog specifically in order to strike up conversations with all the girls who stopped to coo over the pup!

    Good luck, hang in there, and don't be afraid to see a counselor if you need someone non-judgmental to talk to or if you feel like you're dealing with clinical depression.
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    edited July 2019
    This content has been removed.
  • fastfoodietofitcutie
    fastfoodietofitcutie Posts: 523 Member
    The grass is always greener. I hear from my married friends how they would love to be single and here I am dying to be married.

    I think it’s good advice to be more active and just get out there even if it is by myself. Online dating has been such a nightmare between all the married men, men just looking for hookups and various other weird things (boy do I have stories) that maybe I should take a break for a while. I also like the idea of getting a dog, I may do that.

  • nooshi713
    nooshi713 Posts: 4,877 Member
    edited July 2019
    1sphere wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    I do feel you have to put yourself out there to date. That whole saying of not trying to find love, just letting it find you doesn’t work imo.

    I’m single also and all of my friends are married. If I just sat around and waited for something to magically happen, it probably never would. In the past when I have done that, I have gone years without a date. Go out and be social.
    that's true, like with anything - you have to put in the effort

    searching online can be tunnel visioned if there's limited opportunities (I don't know how it is in other countries though)

    I think the more ways a person has to meet people the better. Most people I know who are married now met their partner online. Some people are still opposed to it which is silly imo. How many men actually approach women in a grocery store or other random place? It certainly doesn’t happen to me.
  • nooshi713
    nooshi713 Posts: 4,877 Member
    fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »
    The grass is always greener. I hear from my married friends how they would love to be single and here I am dying to be married.

    I think it’s good advice to be more active and just get out there even if it is by myself. Online dating has been such a nightmare between all the married men, men just looking for hookups and various other weird things (boy do I have stories) that maybe I should take a break for a while. I also like the idea of getting a dog, I may do that.

    I have experienced this also. Many people on dating apps are not actually single, just mad at their partner or whatever. That happens IRL too though.
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    This content has been removed.
  • lg013
    lg013 Posts: 215 Member
    I’d start by seeking friends with similar interests to get you back out there and to give you a network of support. That being said, it’s not easy just to go out there and make friends either!

    I met my boyfriend of the past 4 years by being introduced by friends...so that’s what worked for me!
  • Adc7225
    Adc7225 Posts: 1,318 Member
    Being that I feel the same way I wish I had an answer for that . . . I think what helps me is that while I do feel sad and lonely more that I would like to admit it comes in waves so I accept that. I am 50, single with grown children 1 out of the house 1 undecided and a cat. I talk to my cat probably too much. Sometimes I make it a point to actually talk to people when I am out or at least make some eye contact and get a smile - at least then I am not so sad because I know I can be social. Part of my problem is I generally don't care for women as friends, not sure why and hope to address that soon.
    Dating is very different now, I recently met a nice enough man, but two days in he sent me kissing emoji in a text and I just wasn't feeling it. Can I get to not only know you a little and maybe like you before we address the physical - I could be overacting but I did what I was comfortable with, told him this was not the right time for me. Sad and lonely is not desperate, we may not know what we want but we do know what we don't want.
    Maybe try just doing little things that are outside of your comfort zone, I mean like talking to a stranger (in the right context) and having a conversation about anything. It's a small thing but I find those are days when I am not so sad and lonely.

    I also feel things happen when it is the right time for them to happen so we have to practice a little to be ready :)
  • queen4evr125
    queen4evr125 Posts: 20 Member
    It's funny that people think being married means that you are no longer lonely. It took me four marriages to get it right.( sometimes you have to kiss alot of frogs to find your " king" !!!) Lol ! I hear so many horror stories about online dating that kinda make me glad that I'm 50 and so over that dating trap. You have to do what's best for your dating journey. Even if it means not dating at all. I think alot of people get caught up in this whole not being alone preconceptions. That they fall victim to dating anyone..( even if that person is the pond scum off the bottom of someone's boat.) Most people don't enjoy their own company so they tend to spend time with anyone that happens across their paths. Do not fall for that misfortune!!! Enjoy yourself...your journeys...even if you spend them alone...Be true to thine own self !!!!!

Categories