Anyone else struggle with self-loathing?
kiela64
Posts: 1,447 Member
I've noticed most of my unhealthy behaviours are emotionally based. But the root of it I think is just that I tend to interpret everything as a personal failure and I have a very low opinion of myself. It makes it hard to stick to positive improvements because it doesn't align with how I think of myself.
If anyone else struggles with this, I'd love to hear anything you've found helpful!
I'm thinking of joining a yoga class again, if it's offered at a good time for me. I've found I can't do meditation or yoga on my own very easily, but sometimes in a class I can get into the zone. I think it's good for both body & mind.
If anyone else struggles with this, I'd love to hear anything you've found helpful!
I'm thinking of joining a yoga class again, if it's offered at a good time for me. I've found I can't do meditation or yoga on my own very easily, but sometimes in a class I can get into the zone. I think it's good for both body & mind.
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Replies
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We all suffer from various degrees of it. Setting achievable goals, no matter how small they seem right now, is part of getting past that feeling of failure.
While you are looking for a yoga class, have you tried Adrienne on YouTube? Shorter than a class, but better than waiting to do good by yourself.3 -
I have anxiety and depression. Sometimes it's hard to get out of my own way. Hope you figure things out.
Take care. 💚9 -
I sometimes have difficulty with this. But after awhile I get sick of always feeling bad about myself. Than I start thinking, if I can’t love myself, who is? It takes practice but start thinking, I’m human. I make mistakes. But most of the time, I do the best I can in my circumstances. Start treating yourself like you are your best friend. You wouldn’t say mean things to a friend, so don’t say it about yourself. Treat yourself like the special person you are. Do something that you find enjoyable. For example, take time to enjoy the everyday little things, like that delicious cup of coffee at breakfast, read a half hour something that you want to read, take that bubble bath that you never have time for, play with your dog or cat, see a friend, take a nap, see a funny movie, or take the yoga class that you want to take, etc. Even with extra weight, you still are a beautiful person. We are all beautiful and unique in our own way. In this whole wide world there is only one you. Love her, treat her well, give her healthy food, a good night sleep, and slowly you will notice improvement. You are lovable and so worth it!11
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I have experience with feeling like that too. I suggest finding a good therapist to deal with the reasons behind why you feel this way. You said that you think the root of it is that you interpret everything as a personal failure but there is probably a reason for thinking this way too. I’ve been seeing a therapist for 12 months and its been a real eye opener working through some issues I didn’t even know I had. Its not been easy but I have a much better relationship with myself now and a lot less negative self talk.6
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I sometimes have difficulty with this. But after awhile I get sick of always feeling bad about myself. Than I start thinking, if I can’t love myself, who is? It takes practice but start thinking, I’m human. I make mistakes. But most of the time, I do the best I can in my circumstances. Start treating yourself like you are your best friend. You wouldn’t say mean things to a friend, so don’t say it about yourself. Treat yourself like the special person you are. Do something that you find enjoyable. For example, take time to enjoy the everyday little things, like that delicious cup of coffee at breakfast, read a half hour something that you want to read, take that bubble bath that you never have time for, play with your dog or cat, see a friend, take a nap, see a funny movie, or take the yoga class that you want to take, etc. Even with extra weight, you still are a beautiful person. We are all beautiful and unique in our own way. In this whole wide world there is only one you. Love her, treat her well, give her healthy food, a good night sleep, and slowly you will notice improvement. You are lovable and so worth it!
This is such great advice! It really spoke to me. I also suffer from depression and anxiety and have a completely lousy self image. I'm trying to get my physical and mental health in order and am proud of the progress I've made.1 -
I was committing slow motion suicide. I didn’t decide I loved my 285 lb self, but I found my way to self respect.
Do you believe everyone has a right to self determination? No, you don’t have a right to live in your neighbor’s house. But inside the lines, a right to self determination? We only get one life. Is this how you want yours to go? No one else can change it.
That was my thinking- that was how I became my own worthy cause. It became an upward spiral. I had a duty to act responsibly. As a responsible person I was worthy of reaching my goals. As a human being I had a right to achieve my own good faith goals.
Weight is not a disqualification. Prior failed attempts are not a disqualification.
You, like all humans, live a complex life. No one thing defines anyone. You have a foot, but you are not your foot, hair but you are not your hair. Not your singing voice or toe nails. Not the number on the scale.
You are not a failure. And we’ve never met. But if you want, I’ll be happy to debate the point with you right here on this thread.
A couple of thoughts- we can’t turn off our brains. Even when sleeping. They just won’t stop. But not everything that goes on in our heads is thinking. It’s not the result of deliberative process. It’s just filler. Images, old feelings. The brain loves repetition. Like the soothing nature of a tv rerun. When you dropped that ball in the big game in the 7th grade- it’s still disturbing to you today but your brain likes it because it’s a habit, a rerun. But it’s junk. It’s filler. The brain, unable to stop, needs filler.
Don’t be distressed because you can’t stop the negativity. But like a telemarking call, don’t pick up, don’t react. If you quit picking up, it will eventually go away.
Weight loss- it’s problem solving. A skill set. You can learn it. There’s a learning curve. It takes weeks to get started, months to get good at it.
Want to defeat the feelings of weight loss failure? Succeed. You can do it.11 -
Thank you so much for all of these great comments
Thank you for sharing I have anxiety and depression. Sometimes it's hard to get out of my own way. Hope you figure things out.
Take care. 💚
I do as well. Mostly anxiety, but I get infrequent depressive episodes connected to how much I berate myself for not measuring up on everything. It goes from quiet to loud and then I can get sad for long periods of time. Thank you. You tooconcordancia wrote: »We all suffer from various degrees of it. Setting achievable goals, no matter how small they seem right now, is part of getting past that feeling of failure.
While you are looking for a yoga class, have you tried Adrienne on YouTube? Shorter than a class, but better than waiting to do good by yourself.
I tried to make a schedule for myself yesterday. Plotting out when I have school & work. Trying to schedule things like homework & exercise. And then I remembered what I've done/am doing right now (not much) and I was just floored. I am not currently capable of committing to what seems like a very reasonable schedule. And it's heartbreaking. I hate it. Without being required to be somewhere by X time, I don't get out of the house. Without the push of failure/external accountability, I rarely do things. I've lost 45lbs and gained 20 back (and lost 8 now). I am still struggling a lot with behaving like a person I can be proud of. I don't really know what an achievable goal looks like when even flossing daily isn't a given....
I have! I find her videos inconsistently doable. Some of them I can do, and then I get to a point where I can't follow along anymore. It's hard to know which ones I can manage. A couple years ago I followed her 30 days of yoga challenge for 10 days, and then I couldn't manage them. I haven't found a skill/ability rating, because I think most of them are labelled beginner friendly. I'm very flexible but weak. In a class, instructors have offered alternatives or make suggestions, and I haven't had to sit out so much. But yes, it would be a good place to start. It's just hard not to take it personally/feel like a failure when I can't keep up! (which I know is dumb but still).I sometimes have difficulty with this. But after awhile I get sick of always feeling bad about myself. Than I start thinking, if I can’t love myself, who is? It takes practice but start thinking, I’m human. I make mistakes. But most of the time, I do the best I can in my circumstances. Start treating yourself like you are your best friend. You wouldn’t say mean things to a friend, so don’t say it about yourself. Treat yourself like the special person you are. Do something that you find enjoyable. For example, take time to enjoy the everyday little things, like that delicious cup of coffee at breakfast, read a half hour something that you want to read, take that bubble bath that you never have time for, play with your dog or cat, see a friend, take a nap, see a funny movie, or take the yoga class that you want to take, etc. Even with extra weight, you still are a beautiful person. We are all beautiful and unique in our own way. In this whole wide world there is only one you. Love her, treat her well, give her healthy food, a good night sleep, and slowly you will notice improvement. You are lovable and so worth it!
"If I can't love myself who is?" is a very good question. I think I use it the other way, haha. I sometimes think less of people who love me. Which is a TERRIBLE way to think. Like "you love me? ew, why?" or "you must be mistaken and you'll find out eventually, I must have tricked you". Which is the absolute WORST way to approach people!
It's funny, I don't even judge myself for having the weight because I think people larger than me are capable and happy and functional and fit. However the "fat choices" or behaviours that cause me to gain weight - that's what I hate myself for very intensely! And I am so conscious that that actually doesn't promote change. Getting to that stage of compassion is so foreign and bewildering to me. It feels almost gross and self-indulgent. Like I'm letting myself off the hook for being lazy/worthless/stupid/a burden etc. But it's the opposite! If I can forgive myself, I'll be less of a burden to other people because I can then take care of myself compassionately. And do those things, like relax and enjoy things without constantly feeling guilty or ridiculous.vickiefitz81 wrote: »I have experience with feeling like that too. I suggest finding a good therapist to deal with the reasons behind why you feel this way. You said that you think the root of it is that you interpret everything as a personal failure but there is probably a reason for thinking this way too. I’ve been seeing a therapist for 12 months and its been a real eye opener working through some issues I didn’t even know I had. Its not been easy but I have a much better relationship with myself now and a lot less negative self talk.
I am in therapy, and I have been for most of my life. However it's mostly just talk without any suggestions of change. I will need to look for a different type of therapy to find strategies and suggestions. I am looking though! It's difficult to find that type that is covered or not extremely expensive.I sometimes have difficulty with this. But after awhile I get sick of always feeling bad about myself. Than I start thinking, if I can’t love myself, who is? It takes practice but start thinking, I’m human. I make mistakes. But most of the time, I do the best I can in my circumstances. Start treating yourself like you are your best friend. You wouldn’t say mean things to a friend, so don’t say it about yourself. Treat yourself like the special person you are. Do something that you find enjoyable. For example, take time to enjoy the everyday little things, like that delicious cup of coffee at breakfast, read a half hour something that you want to read, take that bubble bath that you never have time for, play with your dog or cat, see a friend, take a nap, see a funny movie, or take the yoga class that you want to take, etc. Even with extra weight, you still are a beautiful person. We are all beautiful and unique in our own way. In this whole wide world there is only one you. Love her, treat her well, give her healthy food, a good night sleep, and slowly you will notice improvement. You are lovable and so worth it!
This is such great advice! It really spoke to me. I also suffer from depression and anxiety and have a completely lousy self image. I'm trying to get my physical and mental health in order and am proud of the progress I've made.
Congratulations on your progress!!!
I was committing slow motion suicide. I didn’t decide I loved my 285 lb self, but I found my way to self respect.
Do you believe everyone has a right to self determination? No, you don’t have a right to live in your neighbor’s house. But inside the lines, a right to self determination? We only get one life. Is this how you want yours to go? No one else can change it.
That was my thinking- that was how I became my own worthy cause. It became an upward spiral. I had a duty to act responsibly. As a responsible person I was worthy of reaching my goals. As a human being I had a right to achieve my own good faith goals.
Weight is not a disqualification. Prior failed attempts are not a disqualification.
You, like all humans, live a complex life. No one thing defines anyone. You have a foot, but you are not your foot, hair but you are not your hair. Not your singing voice or toe nails. Not the number on the scale.
You are not a failure. And we’ve never met. But if you want, I’ll be happy to debate the point with you right here on this thread.
A couple of thoughts- we can’t turn off our brains. Even when sleeping. They just won’t stop. But not everything that goes on in our heads is thinking. It’s not the result of deliberative process. It’s just filler. Images, old feelings. The brain loves repetition. Like the soothing nature of a tv rerun. When you dropped that ball in the big game in the 7th grade- it’s still disturbing to you today but your brain likes it because it’s a habit, a rerun. But it’s junk. It’s filler. The brain, unable to stop, needs filler.
Don’t be distressed because you can’t stop the negativity. But like a telemarking call, don’t pick up, don’t react. If you quit picking up, it will eventually go away.
Weight loss- it’s problem solving. A skill set. You can learn it. There’s a learning curve. It takes weeks to get started, months to get good at it.
Want to defeat the feelings of weight loss failure? Succeed. You can do it.
Thank you for sharing your thought process I have also had the thought that it could have been a method of self-injury through food + inactivity. For many years, I truly did not take care of myself. I didn't shower often. I didn't clean up. I didn't wash my clothes often. I didn't go out. I didn't see friends often. I spent a lot of time in bed watching shows. Staying up till 6am to watch tv and be alone, and sleeping till noon. I bought massive amounts of junk food and hated myself. I would think mean things while I ate and try to disappear into it.
At least, I have grown from there. I shower most days. I clean my clothes (even though I struggle to keep them orderly/folded). I rarely watch tv anymore. I don't buy junk food. I've dramatically reduced my fast food consumption (relying on school cafeterias & fast food breakfasts has been a big problem, financially as well). I don't think about the improvements I've made often, because I am still so incredibly far from normal or functional and I feel so incredibly inadequate. I am ashamed that these are my improvements. But at least I've made them I guess. Thank you. 7 -
May not be socially warm and fuzzy but I use self hate to not mess up and push. I find the self hate comes for me if I am not on proper levels of my standards. Like if you were living a quality life of excellence you should be happy and feel great. I can’t feel happy for mediocrity for myself. Its a way I pushed to not be yet another drug user failure as that is where I came from. As I push to get to my ideal, its not easy and depression/anxiety and possibly ASD make it hard but I will lose weight or bust.3
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This is a timely post for me because I've always felt the same way and recently I've had an epiphany.
I was feeling so depressed and worthless. I was comparing myself to others, thinking about people that (maybe) don't like me, and feeling horrible because I've gained the weight back that I lost earlier this year. I was thinking to myself, "What's wrong with me?"
Then it dawned on me that the way I was speaking to myself was horrible. The "voice" that repeated over and over in my head was cruel and constant, and I realized that I didn't deserve it. Would I speak to a child like that? Or and adult? No.
I've started having kind thoughts about myself, sort of nice self-talk, and I'm now replacing the mean thoughts with empathetic and positive ones. Food-wise, I've stopped the punitive behaviors that I've been inflicting upon myself and I've started allowing myself to not be perfect. I'm treating myself like a friend. I'm still losing weight this way, too.
Google "negative self-talk" and read some of the results that come up from respected publications. You're not alone and you deserve kindness. I hope this helps; it's been a huge eye-opener for me.4 -
I struggle with this, and can start to spiral sometimes.
When this happens I actively treat myself like a small child. I have to be encouraged, I have to eat properly and not just eat biscuits. What I want is irrelevant. Small bribes for doing things.
It really helps me to catch the negative behaviors before I get to far.4 -
I'm the same too. It honestly hadn't occurred to me until recently either. I have been down on myself for years and because of that negativity others have taken advantage and treated me poorly. It wasn't until a friend told me that the reason I won't buy colourful clothes is because I don't want to be seen that I realised she was right.
I have been hiding for the best part of 10 years really. I stand behind others in photos, I buy cars that the doors come to my shoulders, I wear black, I don't socialise. It was only hearing this from my friend that made me realise all the extremes I go to to not be seen. When I realised she was right I decided to take a ton of my anxiety pills and put myself out there by going to see an old group of friends and you know what? Where I'd thought they'd look at fat me in disgust and not want to know me, instead they were over the moon to see me and made such a fuss about why I'd stayed away that I felt pretty silly.
Unfortunately that only works when you know you've got folk who will catch you when you lean back if you know what I mean. But that day was my turning point. I want to go see them more and I don't want to hide so I've started over. My new mantra is that today is the last day I'll be this fat. And it's working for me so far. I've been on target a week and that's despite going out to all you can eat chinese last night for our anniversary.
It'll take me a while to feel that I'm worthwhile but I'm determined to get there. Today is the last day I'll be this fat.
I wish you luck in your journey and hope something I've said is useful to you.4 -
I've noticed most of my unhealthy behaviours are emotionally based. But the root of it I think is just that I tend to interpret everything as a personal failure and I have a very low opinion of myself. It makes it hard to stick to positive improvements because it doesn't align with how I think of myself.
If anyone else struggles with this, I'd love to hear anything you've found helpful!
I'm thinking of joining a yoga class again, if it's offered at a good time for me. I've found I can't do meditation or yoga on my own very easily, but sometimes in a class I can get into the zone. I think it's good for both body & mind.
I think I can say I have been through a rather period of "self-loathing". It was due almost entirely due to limited and painful mobility caused by deteriorating hips. It was something I not only spent years in denial about, but adamantly refused (fear driven) to seek treatment for. That began to change late last year when I FINALLY reached my "enough's enough" point (everybody has one) and made an appointment with orthopedic surgeon who did not pull any punches telling me how things were. I had hip replacements done in January and April of this year and once recovered, rehabbed and PT'd, I have found a groove that I am totally locked into and I have not looked back, not once! Perhaps you use the phrase "getting your smile back"? With me this year, that has become an all-time understatement! I have become more active and more eager to exercise (walk and pool exercise) get out and do things (2 road trips this summer) and although the things that made me self-loathing still exist they bother and affect me way, WAY less than they used to. Indeed, I have got my smile back. I hope get yours somehow, if you haven't already4 -
Don’t be distressed because you can’t stop the negativity. But like a telemarking call, don’t pick up, don’t react. If you quit picking up, it will eventually go away.
This! This! This! I needed this analogy.... Thank you so much... Literally crying. What an awesome tool to put in my arsenal.
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I know how you feel. I’ve found exercise helps but I still struggle to go to the gym. It’s not the exercise that puts me off I just seem to have anxiety about going 🤷🏼♀️. Once I am there I am fine. I have tried exercise at home but lack motivation to do it. The gym works for me when I get there.1
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Flip the switch. Start using logic instead of feelings. All of that other stuff is unproductive as you move forward.
Do not diminish yourself with unproductive name calling. I used to do that. If we treated our friends the way we treat or have treated ourselves...we wouldn't have any friends. You are your own best friend under every circumstance.2 -
Everyday meditate. Just for 15 minutes. Repeat this: I love myself; I have compassion for myself; I will be kind to myself; I will forgive myself; I will have patience. Compassion and love are like a warm blanket out of the dryer for your heart. I have been meditating with a group I started at work that has grown from two members to 31 all due to positivity. I tell people everyday that I think they are wonderful and that I appreciate them. Gratitude is also a powerful motivator.
When you motivate yourself with positive means, you see the miracle that you are. I know you all are wonderful caring people just by how you post on these forums. I get inspired by all of you eat day. Add me as a friend, I post almost everyday about being your own best friend. Be well! I'm the sunshine warming your shoulders!!!2 -
Negative self talk is a game the ego/brain plays with us to keep us in the "safety" of our current patterns (safety meaning what is familiar, a new pattern is unknown and the ego/brain is afraid of the unknown). When you believe the negative small talk, it works to keep you where you are.
Play the game around back on your brain -
Step 1: Notice yourself saying "I'm worthless/terrible/incompetent blah blah blah because of x,y,z... (i.e. I can't get through my workout without getting tired, I can't do pushups, I ate that whatever, I don't weigh xxx on and on forever)"
Step 2: Replace the "I'm worthless" or whatever version is popping up for you with "I'll make a goal to..." take out any other negative wording ("can't" "don't" etc) turn those around too as needed
Step 3: Set yourself up to take reasonable achievable actions toward that goal
Step 4: Repeat forever, your brain is great at that!
It takes time to turn around habits and negative thinking patterns. It also takes time to get strong, lose weight, etc. etc. so also build in a reasonable amount of acceptance of where you are now and that it might take time to get "there," maybe even a lot of time. Let it feel good for now to be pointed in the direction of what you want. Taking action steps gets us where we want, self loathing keeps us where we are simple as that.
Make it fun, we are all born with total unconditional worth and value. Any statement that you (or anyone else) makes against that is just simply not true and never will be for any reason1 -
only after a night of nameless liaisons with men i barely know.
okay, those days are long past but you get the point
LOL 0 -
It is difficult sometimes to be positive when people say unkind things to you. For example, a guy I dated for several months said to me that he never saw anyone with such ugly legs. I was devastated when he said that because I do have fat legs. However, after several months of listening to him always putting me down, I said enough is enough and stopped seeing him. I was hating myself but after he was gone, I started slowly thinking that I am attractive with nice eyes and a clear complexion. Yes, my legs are fat but they are not ugly because those 2 legs take me wherever I want to go. I refuse to let anyone make me feel inferior about myself. And on a last note, he was far from perfect.4
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