So depressed and alcohol has become my bestfriend
Jmbean84
Posts: 261 Member
So...back in 2012 I lost 60 pounds and over 60” in 4 months....I counted calories. Starting out at 1200 and moving up to 1400. I used 30 min shred by Jillian Michaels and ate healthier than I had ever eaten in my entire life. I went from 250 down to 190....then the holidays came. I come from a family that makes dozens upon dozens of cookies from October they the new year. That did it for me. I gained 30 lbs back. I quit counting calories, started eating horribly again....I’ve lost 10 lbs here and there but always gained it back and then some. I’m currently sitting at about 270 which is the most I have ever weighed in my life. I struggle so hard to get back the original motivation. There’s a lot of factors for my depression....we are broke, everything keeps breaking down (washer, drier, cars, etc). I have no motivation to do anything anymore. I started doing shots of vodka or rum to get through back pain (from previous car accident) while we were installing hardwood floors in my house. It became a habit and I can’t kick it now. I don’t eat terrible but I don’t track either because I know whatever I drink is packing on the cals. I want to lose weight so bad but there’s no support here. My SO says he wants to do it with me but his will power is worse than mine. He says “show me what to do and I’ll do it”. It when I have no motivation for myself, how can I help him??? It’s a viscous circle and I can’t seem to break it.
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Replies
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Have you looked into joining alcoholics anonymous or seeking out other treatment for alcohol addiction? It seems like that would be a good first step. It may also help you lose weight as you will not be consuming as many calories, buts it's more important for setting yourself up in the right frame of mind and ability to succeed. It wl be a lot harder without first treating the alcohol addiction.14
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Thing is (and I know this totally sounds like an addicts excuse) I CAN stop. There’s a lot of days where I’m like “ I’m not drinking today” and I don’t! But then there’s the SO issue where he says go get me some shots and I figure if he’s drinking I might as well too...there’s just no support. I know it sounds like a crappy excuse....and maybe I am a full blown alcoholic in denial...I don’t even know anymore.....I just know I avoid mirrors and I hate the way I look...I know what I have to do....I just can’t seem to do it on my own. 🤷🏼♀️5
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I agree with the AA thing. I have a friend who has been very successful with AA (and all sorts of other As like NA and SLAA and some other A). Maybe the SO should go too. Things sound very spiraly in your world. As in downwards spiral-y.
Why would you have shots when it's not even a party?
I get it (sort of) for the back pain, but isn't paracetamol cheaper than a bottle of vodka? So if you're in financial difficulties, perhaps buying alcohol isn't the best use of your limited budget???
Total waste of $ IMO.4 -
So...back in 2012 I lost 60 pounds and over 60” in 4 months....I counted calories. Starting out at 1200 and moving up to 1400. I used 30 min shred by Jillian Michaels and ate healthier than I had ever eaten in my entire life. I went from 250 down to 190....then the holidays came. I come from a family that makes dozens upon dozens of cookies from October they the new year. That did it for me. I gained 30 lbs back. I quit counting calories, started eating horribly again....I’ve lost 10 lbs here and there but always gained it back and then some. I’m currently sitting at about 270 which is the most I have ever weighed in my life. I struggle so hard to get back the original motivation. There’s a lot of factors for my depression....we are broke, everything keeps breaking down (washer, drier, cars, etc). I have no motivation to do anything anymore. I started doing shots of vodka or rum to get through back pain (from previous car accident) while we were installing hardwood floors in my house. It became a habit and I can’t kick it now. I don’t eat terrible but I don’t track either because I know whatever I drink is packing on the cals. I want to lose weight so bad but there’s no support here. My SO says he wants to do it with me but his will power is worse than mine. He says “show me what to do and I’ll do it”. It when I have no motivation for myself, how can I help him??? It’s a viscous circle and I can’t seem to break it.
Start tracking everything. All the calories from everything you eat and drink. Seeing the numbers might help you decide to not blow your calories on alcohol. A lot of people find that when they get better at tracking and managing their calories in/calories out those skills transfer to managing their finances and other areas of their lives as well.4 -
Go to AA and/or seek counseling. Your life is slipping by. Don’t let it.
I quit drinking and everything else fell into place. It was liberating. Free yourself.12 -
I agree 100% that the alcohol has to go, for all the reasons.
I hope you'll find a way to stop drinking for good, and you may have to do it without your SO's "support."
It's an inside job, anyway. Only you can stop pouring alcohol into your own mouth.3 -
sounds to me like you should kick the alcohol for awhile, and maybe the SO too. You seem to be in a dark place right now, but that means it can only go up from here right? ((hugs))1
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Alcoholism is a disease! Consider AA meetings! They work if you work it!3
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I'll be honest, and I hope it doesn't come across as harsh, but the main reason I am able to convince myself to abstain when I REALLY want alcohol-- which is at least 4x a week, thank you family genetics--, is because it's expensive to have a regular habit. If you can afford alcohol but can't afford to fix other things or find yourself stressed by those other expenses, your priorities are off. That's assuming you are buying it and don't just have a stockpile of it, anyway. Stop drinking and buy a part for that broken washer or dryer. That's an investment into something that will make your life easier. Every time you drop money on alcohol, you're investing in your downward spiral. Said with love from someone who has been there.12
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I know you say you can stop drinking, but I was in your same shoes and my life was slowly quickly heading out of control. My wake up call was failing horribly on my blood test , plus high blood pressure, pre-diabetic, pre-cancerous polyps in colon...etc.....You are YOUNG...seek help now and take it one step at a time. I quit alcohol starting last april when I decided to turn my life around. It was the best decision of my life. You can take advice or not. It's all up to you.7
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Thing is (and I know this totally sounds like an addicts excuse) I CAN stop. There’s a lot of days where I’m like “ I’m not drinking today” and I don’t! But then there’s the SO issue where he says go get me some shots and I figure if he’s drinking I might as well too...there’s just no support. I know it sounds like a crappy excuse....and maybe I am a full blown alcoholic in denial...I don’t even know anymore.....I just know I avoid mirrors and I hate the way I look...I know what I have to do....I just can’t seem to do it on my own. 🤷🏼♀️
My mother was an alcoholic until the day she died and just because you stop drinking for a while doesn't mean everything's better. She could go 3 months without touching a drink and then she would disappear for a week on a drinking binge. She was only 67 when she passed away. If you have to turn to alcohol for your problems, you need to get help. The first step is admitting you have a problem. People can't tell you to get help unless you admit you have a drinking problem. My dad tried for years to get my mother to stop drinking and it never worked because she didn't think she had a problem. Just some advice from someone who grew up in that environment. It sounds like your drinking is more of a problem than your weight. Please do the right thing for yourself.4 -
You might even meet a companion at AA that is also in a similar situation and wants to lose weight too.1
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Thing is (and I know this totally sounds like an addicts excuse) I CAN stop. There’s a lot of days where I’m like “ I’m not drinking today” and I don’t! But then there’s the SO issue where he says go get me some shots and I figure if he’s drinking I might as well too...there’s just no support. I know it sounds like a crappy excuse....and maybe I am a full blown alcoholic in denial...I don’t even know anymore.....I just know I avoid mirrors and I hate the way I look...I know what I have to do....I just can’t seem to do it on my own. 🤷🏼♀️
The lack of support at home is a big reason why it is important to see if you can find some help elsewhere through meetings or other ways. While it would be great if your SO was more supportive in this regard, it's not really on him to make the positive changes in your life for you. But there are others who can help you with that. And once you start to make those changes, there are programs and other support in the family structure as well where he can learn more about how his actions affect you and how he can be more supportive. I imagine he does not try to throw you off track intentionally (if he does, there are much bigger issues to solve there), but because he doesn't understand how what he is doing is affecting you.
I also want to mention that I think alcohol addiction is commonly misunderstood, and a lot of people think they don't have a problem because like you said, they don't need to drink every day, and don't fit the stereotypical definition of an "alcoholic". But alcoholism isn't just something that affects people who are drunk all day on their couch. That you refer to it as your best friend is a big red flag that it has a control on your life that is not healthy or productive, and that even if you may not feel like you are an alcoholic, it would be beneficial to seek help.6 -
1. Motivation doesn't get things done, discipline and habits do. Motivation is fleeting and fickle.
2. I can empathize with the alcohol problem. I used to be a full fledged alcoholic before I got MH treatment - and if I'm being completely honest, I still have a problem, the MH treatment just gave me the ability to dial it down. I'm not so much hooked on the booze anymore as I am the party lifestyle. All workweek I am good, I don't drink, etc...but on the weekends it's a constant internal struggle to not go out partying, one I lose more often than I care to admit.
3. Self-destruction feels liberating. The lucky people in this world are the ones who never found that out. You have to accept that fact before you can fight the self destructive tendencies...whatever they may be.5 -
You have to do it for YOU, the weight loss, drinking. Don't let excuses or BF sabotage you.4
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Well, no. You can't stop. Not alone anyway. None of us can.
Addicts do so as a means of escape. Look at it this way - you did this during a difficult time to survive, but now realizing that this isn't enough. You need and deserve more, so take the steps needed to earn more.
I agree with the other sentiments regarding AA or similar program. Nothing but good there.1 -
If you feel AA may not be for you, and I understand that because I was there, there are other resources to help you with stopping or moderating alcohol. In my case, I can't moderate. I can go a long periods of time without drinking, but when I do look out. I realized I may not be your "typical" alcoholic but I definitely am one. There are some threads on MFP that focus on being alcohol free or moderation, that could be a start! It really is helpful when you have others that are in the same place as you. I also read a blog "Tired of thinking about drinking" and there are so many other things out there to help you. Just Google it
I agree with others that taking care of the drinking first will help with the weight loss and you overall well being. The stress of trying to quit that and lose weight and the other challenges you have is too much! You will feel better and be more motivated to start the weight loss again. 1 -
I also want to mention that I think alcohol addiction is commonly misunderstood, and a lot of people think they don't have a problem because like you said, they don't need to drink every day, and don't fit the stereotypical definition of an "alcoholic". But alcoholism isn't just something that affects people who are drunk all day on their couch. That you refer to it as your best friend is a big red flag that it has a control on your life that is not healthy or productive, and that even if you may not feel like you are an alcoholic, it would be beneficial to seek help.
^^ This.
I am speaking as a former alcoholic here. Just because you don't drink every day or you don't drink so much that you're giving yourself cirrhosis does not mean you don't have a problem, it just means your problem/addiction is different than someone who does do that.
I got to the point when I was younger that I was self-medicating with alcohol to get through particularly rough patches in my life that included, but were not limited to self-harm, abuse and sexual assault. I drank because I could afford (barely) grain alcohol and juice, but not medication or therapy for depression and anxiety, of which I had both.. and which were probably exacerbated by the aforementioned things and the excessive drinking. Functional alcoholism in some ways can be worse than the alcoholism you recognize *because* it is secret. Most people were never aware of when I was drinking (all day) or how much I would drink. I was extremely good at masking the signs and the scents of my addiction. And I didn't always drink every day. Sometimes it would be steady and slow and then I would get into a binge phase where I would consume pretty much any and all alcoholic beverages within my vicinity.
It honestly took someone knowledgeable (a recovered alcoholic) to recognize it and confront me about it. I lucked out that a.) it was an art professor I had during a summer course and b.) he was extremely non-confrontational and gave me the resources to find affordable help outside of an AA program that I previously did not know existed.
Alcohol was my best and ONLY friend for a couple of years of my life. Most of my friends at that point abandoned me or I realized treated me poorly (and weren't really friends at all), life with three jobs, full-time college and constant mental breakdowns just wasn't helping any of it. Add to that that I lived in a drinking town with plentiful (cheap) booze and it was not surprising that it happened. You only realize when you're crawling back out of that hole how ridiculous it sounds that you said that a substance was your best friend, hinting at how truly alone you were.
Not trying to drag you down, but only illustrate to you that if you think you have a problem, help is there and you should seek it if you are able. Don't let anyone stop you, either. If they do, they aren't people you should be around. Especially if you were using vodka to self-medicate in place of other substances/medications, you should definitely seek a 12 step program (there are others besides AA) or some form of behavioral therapy (and depending on where you live, there are affordable or low/no-cost options).
The concerned stranger on the internet just doesn't want to see you go where I did for several years. It uh.. it wasn't fun. I get it.. and I sympathize with you. Much love.
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I understand. I’m 3 1/2 years sober. I’m willing to chat if you’d like. It’s hard and I am lucky my husband went off to rehab the day I quit drinking. But you can do it with or without your SO support.3
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I use to drink heavily and when I did I was out of control in that I didn't stop until I couldn't drink anymore....that night. When I finally stopped (I was in college and couldn't afford it and felt sick and rundown all the time) I went from 167+ to 120 in 4mos, no dieting. That was the first time, I was in my mid-20's.
When I got into a relationship with a regular "drinker", I started drinking a little at a time. Several years later I was so unhappy I wouldn't go home after work. I'd stop in my favorite "hole" for 1 beer and end the night there. This lasted 2 years. I left that relationship, quit drinking again and slowly got myself into a better state of mind. I was then in my early 40's. That was the last time and it's been 20 years. I'm in a good place and have no desire to drink. I'm not against alcohol, it's just not for me, I can't control it.
You sound very unhappy, I recognize that. Alcohol only deadens that feeling and solves nothing, not even the pain issues that you may have.
There are resources out there for you, you must find them. Search at your local state office, they have mental health programs, physical health programs etc. etc. It's not all free but it's cheaper than booze, it just takes a little effort via phone calls, asking around, etc.
Only you can help you in this, you have to desire to no longer be like this and in this state of mind and body. Once you make that decision you'll discover the many hands that will reach out to help you find your way.
I wish you luck, it can be done, you can do it, you.
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Lots of us have been there or are there. There are sober living and less alcohol a day at a time threads on the challenges forum here, and they have lists of resources. This is how I came across the naked mind (Annie Grace’s free 30 day alcohol experiment)- if you don’t feel like you want to make the effort for AA or seeing your doctor for help, at least check out some of these resources from the comfort of your own home. We’re coming up to Sober October- nows as good a time as any.2
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AA could help you, but there are other ways to get treatment as well. The thing that helped me the most was finding out I was self medicating untreated MH issues. Didn't fix everything and I'm definitely still a partier/weekend drinker but ever since getting help I haven't been much of a weekday drinker and I definitely don't do stuff like have 3 screwdrivers with breakfast like I did back in the day so i call it a win.0
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I'm in the same boat. I was drinking a gallon of whiskey a week. Health problems, weight problems, money problems. I installed an app on my phone to track how long since my last drink. It also tracks how much money I've saved and how much alcohol I haven't drunk. It's a daily struggle but I found that it helped me to put meaning to me stopping.4
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I know it's hard to tell your family things sometimes, but do you think it's possible to let your family know what's going on with you? Maybe if you tell them about the cookie thing and about the alcohol as well, they'll try harder to motivate you to not take as many cookies next time or maybe they'll try to bake less. They could even check up on your progress with the alcohol. It's not good to go through these things alone.
You can tell your family you still want to be invited to family events, but ask them to encourage you not to take as many cookies next time. I know it's hard because my family members haven't changed their diet habits at all and I usually end up eating what they're eating, but sometimes they try to be nice about me dieting...
I bought ready-made cut-up cantelopes from the supermarket one time and brought it to my sister's house. She baked a lot of cupcakes for a kids' birthday party. I was going to use the cantelopes to keep myself from overeating. Cantelopes are really low in calories and even 3 pieces make you full. Unfortunately the cantelopes were expired (I didn't check the date before purchasing them) so I ended up eating the cupcakes after all.
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Nov 17 will mark my 30th year of retirement from drinking. I didn't partake for long .... I quit not long after it was even legal for me (but we all know how that works
) but it was an awfully bad spell. I lost of the few gals I have ever truly loved because of it, and almost drank myself to death in the wake of that. I learned early that alcohol and I were not a good mix.
CanesGalactica I think gave you a lot of sound advice and most of what I would have to say would follow pretty closely.
Feel free to send a friend request if you (or anyone else struggling), and don't hesitate to send a DM if you want some advice, or just someone to listen. Acknowledging something being amiss with your relationship with it and asking here is a good first step in moving forward in getting out of the grip of it.
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alcohol doesn't care about you. cookies don't care about you.
i've found the most successful sober people don't just cut alcohol, they change their behavior. instead of drinking, they go for a walk, drink a cup of coffee, call a friend. the same could be said for bakery.
you will need to fill with something. consider what you want from your life that you aren't getting now. and then consider how to find fulfillment2 -
Feel free to add me as a friend, I know what alcohol is capable of doing and I'm still pushing through.0
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