Unsupportive *friends?*
BeautyFromPain
Posts: 4,952 Member
Sorry wasn't quite sure where to put this.
Okay so, my best friend who I have been besties with for 5 yrs, we did everything together and for the past wk she has been ignoring me, so i'm like oh weird :L she told me that if I lose any more weight I may end up looking prettier than her and she can't have that, so gave me the ultimatim, either stop losing weight or we can not be friends anymore. I kinda suspected it though - when I told her eating junk makes me sick now and i have changed my lifestyle she practically shoved chips down my thoat. i don't know what's happened but she has turned really shallow and can not even believe this! i can not give up losing weight, my dream job is to be a PT...
Help?
Okay so, my best friend who I have been besties with for 5 yrs, we did everything together and for the past wk she has been ignoring me, so i'm like oh weird :L she told me that if I lose any more weight I may end up looking prettier than her and she can't have that, so gave me the ultimatim, either stop losing weight or we can not be friends anymore. I kinda suspected it though - when I told her eating junk makes me sick now and i have changed my lifestyle she practically shoved chips down my thoat. i don't know what's happened but she has turned really shallow and can not even believe this! i can not give up losing weight, my dream job is to be a PT...
Help?
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Replies
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Not sure what sort of help you're looking for. Do you want advice on how to tell her to F-off in creative ways? I can offer that
Assuming she's not joking, it sounds like she was never a friend in the first place. No one needs "friends" like that in their lives.0 -
If that's how she acts...she never really was a friend then.0
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wow...that hurts!! I say you have to do what is best for you! Getting healthy is more important than carrying around a friend you doesn't support you!!! Don't feel guilty for needing to take care of yourself!0
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A real friend would never say that.
Dump her as a friend. As hard as that may be, you don't need those type of toxic friends.0 -
whoa....she is soooo insecure...leave her to it...i ahd a friend like that a while ago and she wouldsabotage evrything i tried to do that might be bettere than she could do....sacked her off 7 years ago and never been happier in my whole life!
She is just extra weight for you to carry round really....
You keep going!
xx0 -
Her loss, not yours...0
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She wasn't a friend to begin if she doesn't want you to lose weight. A real friend would support you through thick and thin.
Don't think about her, and you'll meet much better people than her.0 -
There's a saying in Spanish: 'mejor sola que mal acompañada'. It means that it's better to be alone than to be with bad company. I know that's it painful to lose a friend, but you have to look out for yourself and you will eventually make new friends that better suit your new lifestyle.0
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Friends, boyfriends, mothers, they can all be unsupportive, but it is their insecurity and most likely they are afraid if you are confident and feel happy with yourself that they will lose you. Just tell her that you're not changing who you are but your health and see where it goes from there.0
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Tell her if she is concerned than maybe she should start working out with you and you two can be the two hottest best friends ever!! I do understand it not that simple my girlfriend is completely unsupportive and throws all kind of food in my face she is worried that if I lose to much weight that I'm going to leave her when iI get down to my goal weight she will be more than 100lbs more than me and that makes her feel bad but yet she don't wanna get off the couch and do anything with me0
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Wow- some best friend!
She obviously feels threatened by you- real friends are not in competition with each other! Tell her to go away and think about what she's said, I still can't believe someone would actually say that!0 -
Some friend! Wave bye-bye and be glad that you've lost the extra weight (her) that you've been dragging around! And go you on your weight loss!0
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Tell hre you already are prettier than her.0
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Same as above messages - she's NO friend and you'll find better ones so let her go off in a huff!!!0
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wow, some friend eh? she clearly isn't a friend and you don't need people like that in your life. she should be happy for you and congratulating you on how well you have done, not giving you ultimatums!!
I know it's easier said than done, but I think you should cut ties, maybe not completely, but this journey is hard and you need supportive and encouraging people around you, she is not that.
I'd explain to her that this this what YOU want to do to make YOU happy and if she doesn't like that then it is her loss
Heidi0 -
Wow, some friend! Shes worried 'you may end up prettier than her' Well, on the inside she doesnt seem like a very pretty person. A good friend should be happy for you & supportive, not jealous & worried about how it makes them look.
Hard as it may be, Id just tell her sorry but you want to be happy & healthy & if she is threatened by that then maybe it is time to take a break otherwise why doesnt she join you & get healthy together.
Sadly, she sounds quite toxic & 'me me me' & you might be happier when you make new friends anyway.
Good luck with your friend & your weight loss!0 -
Nope, doesn't sound like a good friend in my opinion. Go your separate ways and do what you have to do for yourself. One day she might think about how much of a jerk she was and come back OR she could just remain miserable for the rest of her life. Not your problem obviously. You come first, not her odd emotional issues she is having with herself.0
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See and that's the thing i don't get - she is 46 kilos and never stops eating junk, so although i am fitter and healthier than her, yeah,..0
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You attacked her and now she is attacking you. That is your answer. Even though you have grown, doesn't mean that she has grown with you. You would be suprised that she was reading your body language and ways of being conscously or unconsciously. Did you sneer at what she was eating or doing. If your answer was no, I am going to say that it was probably yes. Have you ever been around someone that you don't like but don't know why. That is your subconscious picking up on their body language unless you are fluent in method acting of manerisms.
You said it yourself. "I told her" that eating junk makes me sick. That is an attack. An attack on jealousy will get a stressor.
Understanding your friend is to understand jealousy. She is experiencing feeling of jealousy. On one hand it is a compliment. On the other hand it is disrespectful to you, her friend of 5 years. But, if you can be the better woman here you will have a stronger relationship. People handle their stress by 1 of 4 emotions. Dominance, Dependance, Withdrawl and Aggression. Most people have 2 main stressors. The dominance and agression that she is showing is a emotion of defense.
The jealousy emotion in females are common and more violently displayed. So, there is a stressor of aggression and dominance based upon an emotion of jealousy. Are you following me here. In this case jealousy is an emotion based upon the fear of loosing their significant other.
The cure: complex empathy
You must empathise with her situatation. The situation is you. The only way to cure your problem is you. Understand that it is you. You are stressing her out with the changes that you are growing into. So, it is your choice to grow without her or grow with her. Allow her to be herself with love and understanding that you had before your transformation. Fail in this and you will fail the partnership.0 -
If you notice the stressor in the comments of the other OP, you will see a dominant and withdrawl stressor. They have related emotional pain or stress and immediatly come up with "Get rid of her". Domination and withdrawl. I don't need you - dominance and good riddence - withdrawl.
Understanding that stressor controls most reactive people, the sooner you will grow and gain control of most of your situations in life..
To Thine own self be true.0 -
You attacked her and now she is attacking you. That is your answer. Even though you have grown, doesn't mean that she has grown with you. You would be suprised that she was reading your body language and ways of being conscously or unconsciously. Did you sneer at what she was eating or doing. If your answer was no, I am going to say that it was probably yes. Have you ever been around someone that you don't like but don't know why. That is your subconscious picking up on their body language unless you are fluent in method acting of manerisms.
You said it yourself. "I told her" that eating junk makes me sick. That is an attack. An attack on jealousy will get a stressor.
Understanding your friend is to understand jealousy. She is experiencing feeling of jealousy. On one hand it is a compliment. On the other hand it is disrespectful to you, her friend of 5 years. But, if you can be the better woman here you will have a stronger relationship. People handle their stress by 1 of 4 emotions. Dominance, Dependance, Withdrawl and Aggression. Most people have 2 main stressors. The dominance and agression that she is showing is a emotion of defense.
The jealousy emotion in females are common and more violently displayed. So, there is a stressor of aggression and dominance based upon an emotion of jealousy. Are you following me here. In this case jealousy is an emotion based upon the fear of loosing their significant other.
The cure: complex empathy
You must empathise with her situatation. The situation is you. The only way to cure your problem is you. Understand that it is you. You are stressing her out with the changes that you are growing into. So, it is your choice to grow without her or grow with her. Allow her to be herself with love and understanding that you had before your transformation. Fail in this and you will fail the partnership.
Will say it only once WHAT THE F*** HOW did I attack her? I didn't even use those words I just said that I have changed what I am eating, I do not eat maccas, kfc, etc anymore and exercise a lot...
Back to the question... how do you reacon I attacked her? :S0 -
It is going to take me a minute to write this. hold on.You attacked her and now she is attacking you. That is your answer. Even though you have grown, doesn't mean that she has grown with you. You would be suprised that she was reading your body language and ways of being conscously or unconsciously. Did you sneer at what she was eating or doing. If your answer was no, I am going to say that it was probably yes. Have you ever been around someone that you don't like but don't know why. That is your subconscious picking up on their body language unless you are fluent in method acting of manerisms.
You said it yourself. "I told her" that eating junk makes me sick. That is an attack. An attack on jealousy will get a stressor.
Understanding your friend is to understand jealousy. She is experiencing feeling of jealousy. On one hand it is a compliment. On the other hand it is disrespectful to you, her friend of 5 years. But, if you can be the better woman here you will have a stronger relationship. People handle their stress by 1 of 4 emotions. Dominance, Dependance, Withdrawl and Aggression. Most people have 2 main stressors. The dominance and agression that she is showing is a emotion of defense.
The jealousy emotion in females are common and more violently displayed. So, there is a stressor of aggression and dominance based upon an emotion of jealousy. Are you following me here. In this case jealousy is an emotion based upon the fear of loosing their significant other.
The cure: complex empathy
You must empathise with her situatation. The situation is you. The only way to cure your problem is you. Understand that it is you. You are stressing her out with the changes that you are growing into. So, it is your choice to grow without her or grow with her. Allow her to be herself with love and understanding that you had before your transformation. Fail in this and you will fail the partnership.
Will say it only once WHAT THE F*** HOW did I attack her? I didn't even use those words I just said that I have changed what I am eating, I do not eat maccas, kfc, etc anymore and exercise a lot...
Back to the question... how do you reacon I attacked her? :S0 -
1. Attacking someone does not have to happen deliberately. Look. It is simple to the fact that the emotions and behavior that she is showing is puzzling. Do you agree?
2. I know that what I threw at you was deep. Her behavior is a protective behavior. She gave you an ultimatum of quit loosing weight or loose me. Do you agree?
3. You said Quote “I kinda suspected it though - when I told her eating junk makes me sick now and i have changed my lifestyle she practically shoved chips down my thoat.” Do you not see the aggressive behavior of trying to shove chips down your throat. Do you agree?
4.Do you not see your own words of I told her eating junk makes me sick. Those are your words in the paragraph that you originally wrote to start this board.0 -
you said in a hidden meaning statement that "you make me sick." or the junk makes me sick. She enjoys and or loves the junk and you made her feel like a looser for eating junk. Do you not agree?0
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There is a good chance that she is a compulsive eater. MFP is full of them. Hell, I even do it, but I know the difference. In her daily life, when she stresses she is compelled to eat. The compulsion is a feeling based compulsion. She eats to feel better. When you eat hormones are released. Feelings are chemically produced by her brain and they feel good.
I am not saying that this a true fact. I do not know her or watched her behavior in stressful situations.
Moreover, you attacked a compulsor behavior and recieved a stressor response.
You have good intentions of a healthy lifestyle. She has not comprehended the greatness of this lifesyle. Yet. Maybe she will learn by example. The greatness of you is about to be tested. How will you handle your stressors. There is only one way out. That is assertive behavior. That is a whole other can of worms. Now your talking about critical, nurturing, adaptive and adult communication. How do you respond to lifes stress?
I know that this is deep stuff, but if you get it you will handle life situations easlily as if it was a leaf being brushed off your shoulder. You will soon reconize voice tone and body language when someone is talking to you. Not only will you hear their words, but you'll even devolop and hear the distinct tone of truth. The greatest actors portray the the greatest image of truth. That's why they make the most money. It's not because they are good looking. Master communicators.
Open your eyes to a different world and see true intentions.0 -
If you would like to get into more detail based on the way she has been acting just email me here.0
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you could do all the things adross has said, and try and make her feel better about herself... or you could tell her to get lost and find soem friends who are supportive of you and your healthy lifestyle. i'd go with the second one!0
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A true friend would reach out. Are you the friend that she is not? But realize this. Will she bring you down in the long run or be supportive of your growth. It is your growth that matters. True friends are rare in this world. Conflicting?.......Can you have both?...........Will she bring your down?..............Will you grow great in choices and success.? Looks like your in a preverbial crossroads of life. Compassion and kindness is not a weakness. It's your choices that make you grow emotionally and financially.you could do all the things adross has said, and try and make her feel better about herself... or you could tell her to get lost and find soem friends who are supportive of you and your healthy lifestyle. i'd go with the second one!
If your going to go on a seperate path, my suggestion is fade away. Tell her that she is loved in your way and gradually go away. She may just follow. Hey, best of both worlds. That choice could be benificial to your friendship. Once again look at the stressor of get rid of her statements. How about maybe she will follow. Is that a better choice. But you cant force her. Say something like I wish you would join me. If she says no, say something like OH....OK......But, I wish you would. It's alsways about choices. Just a leaf on your shoulder.
That's a five year relationship. Don't throw it away without multiple choices. Realize the growing differences in your friend and you. If you dumped everbody that wasn't your style you will find yourself old and alone. Some people will always be alone in their heart. Their loneliness of heart leads them to disorders. All of this is repressed and they find themself in overeaters anonomous. Seriously. Open your mind and heart to seeing truth. I have a tattoo on my right arm. It is madarin chinese. There are 3 symbols. Love, peace and success. Love what you do. Have peace in what you do. Success will follow. make educated decisions and not emotional get ride of her decicions.
I would love to hear from you after you have weighed your options.0 -
I agree with adross3 on one of the points made: Your friend *is* reacting to your behaviour - so far so true. And she is probably construing is as a form of aggression on your part.
HOWEVER, that doesn't mean that she's right, that your behaviour is wrong or that her reaction is acceptable. It's not!
You *could* go out of your way to reassure her and make her feel ok with what you're doing....but why should you?
Losing weight and getting healthy is hard enough without having the distraction of fighting the dead weight of a fickle and selfish friend.
I would stay away from her for now, keep going with what you're doing and wait and see if she comes to her senses. Otherwise, I agree with everyone else, cut her out. If possible we need to keep (EMOTIONALLY) healthy people around us, she's not at the moment - PUT YOURSELF FIRST!!
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Jealousy is a disease and I am sorry but there is NO excuse to be like that. She may feel upset and jealous, but being like that is the wrong way about it. She could have asked you for advice or even started a diet herself if it really is getting to her... but to make you CHOOSE is pretty pathetic.. I think you need to talk to her and put some things straight and if she can't be happy for you or support you then ditch her. You don't need negative people in your life, trust me I know. xx0
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