Unsupportive *friends?*

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  • BeautyFromPain
    BeautyFromPain Posts: 4,952 Member
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    You attacked her and now she is attacking you. That is your answer. Even though you have grown, doesn't mean that she has grown with you. You would be suprised that she was reading your body language and ways of being conscously or unconsciously. Did you sneer at what she was eating or doing. If your answer was no, I am going to say that it was probably yes. Have you ever been around someone that you don't like but don't know why. That is your subconscious picking up on their body language unless you are fluent in method acting of manerisms.

    You said it yourself. "I told her" that eating junk makes me sick. That is an attack. An attack on jealousy will get a stressor.

    Understanding your friend is to understand jealousy. She is experiencing feeling of jealousy. On one hand it is a compliment. On the other hand it is disrespectful to you, her friend of 5 years. But, if you can be the better woman here you will have a stronger relationship. People handle their stress by 1 of 4 emotions. Dominance, Dependance, Withdrawl and Aggression. Most people have 2 main stressors. The dominance and agression that she is showing is a emotion of defense.

    The jealousy emotion in females are common and more violently displayed. So, there is a stressor of aggression and dominance based upon an emotion of jealousy. Are you following me here. In this case jealousy is an emotion based upon the fear of loosing their significant other.

    The cure: complex empathy

    You must empathise with her situatation. The situation is you. The only way to cure your problem is you. Understand that it is you. You are stressing her out with the changes that you are growing into. So, it is your choice to grow without her or grow with her. Allow her to be herself with love and understanding that you had before your transformation. Fail in this and you will fail the partnership.

    Will say it only once WHAT THE F*** HOW did I attack her? I didn't even use those words I just said that I have changed what I am eating, I do not eat maccas, kfc, etc anymore and exercise a lot...
    Back to the question... how do you reacon I attacked her? :S
  • adross3
    adross3 Posts: 606 Member
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    You attacked her and now she is attacking you. That is your answer. Even though you have grown, doesn't mean that she has grown with you. You would be suprised that she was reading your body language and ways of being conscously or unconsciously. Did you sneer at what she was eating or doing. If your answer was no, I am going to say that it was probably yes. Have you ever been around someone that you don't like but don't know why. That is your subconscious picking up on their body language unless you are fluent in method acting of manerisms.

    You said it yourself. "I told her" that eating junk makes me sick. That is an attack. An attack on jealousy will get a stressor.

    Understanding your friend is to understand jealousy. She is experiencing feeling of jealousy. On one hand it is a compliment. On the other hand it is disrespectful to you, her friend of 5 years. But, if you can be the better woman here you will have a stronger relationship. People handle their stress by 1 of 4 emotions. Dominance, Dependance, Withdrawl and Aggression. Most people have 2 main stressors. The dominance and agression that she is showing is a emotion of defense.

    The jealousy emotion in females are common and more violently displayed. So, there is a stressor of aggression and dominance based upon an emotion of jealousy. Are you following me here. In this case jealousy is an emotion based upon the fear of loosing their significant other.

    The cure: complex empathy

    You must empathise with her situatation. The situation is you. The only way to cure your problem is you. Understand that it is you. You are stressing her out with the changes that you are growing into. So, it is your choice to grow without her or grow with her. Allow her to be herself with love and understanding that you had before your transformation. Fail in this and you will fail the partnership.

    Will say it only once WHAT THE F*** HOW did I attack her? I didn't even use those words I just said that I have changed what I am eating, I do not eat maccas, kfc, etc anymore and exercise a lot...
    Back to the question... how do you reacon I attacked her? :S
    It is going to take me a minute to write this. hold on.
  • adross3
    adross3 Posts: 606 Member
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    1. Attacking someone does not have to happen deliberately. Look. It is simple to the fact that the emotions and behavior that she is showing is puzzling. Do you agree?

    2. I know that what I threw at you was deep. Her behavior is a protective behavior. She gave you an ultimatum of quit loosing weight or loose me. Do you agree?

    3. You said Quote “I kinda suspected it though - when I told her eating junk makes me sick now and i have changed my lifestyle she practically shoved chips down my thoat.” Do you not see the aggressive behavior of trying to shove chips down your throat. Do you agree?

    4.Do you not see your own words of I told her eating junk makes me sick. Those are your words in the paragraph that you originally wrote to start this board.
  • adross3
    adross3 Posts: 606 Member
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    you said in a hidden meaning statement that "you make me sick." or the junk makes me sick. She enjoys and or loves the junk and you made her feel like a looser for eating junk. Do you not agree?
  • adross3
    adross3 Posts: 606 Member
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    There is a good chance that she is a compulsive eater. MFP is full of them. Hell, I even do it, but I know the difference. In her daily life, when she stresses she is compelled to eat. The compulsion is a feeling based compulsion. She eats to feel better. When you eat hormones are released. Feelings are chemically produced by her brain and they feel good.

    I am not saying that this a true fact. I do not know her or watched her behavior in stressful situations.

    Moreover, you attacked a compulsor behavior and recieved a stressor response.

    You have good intentions of a healthy lifestyle. She has not comprehended the greatness of this lifesyle. Yet. Maybe she will learn by example. The greatness of you is about to be tested. How will you handle your stressors. There is only one way out. That is assertive behavior. That is a whole other can of worms. Now your talking about critical, nurturing, adaptive and adult communication. How do you respond to lifes stress?

    I know that this is deep stuff, but if you get it you will handle life situations easlily as if it was a leaf being brushed off your shoulder. You will soon reconize voice tone and body language when someone is talking to you. Not only will you hear their words, but you'll even devolop and hear the distinct tone of truth. The greatest actors portray the the greatest image of truth. That's why they make the most money. It's not because they are good looking. Master communicators.

    Open your eyes to a different world and see true intentions.
  • adross3
    adross3 Posts: 606 Member
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    If you would like to get into more detail based on the way she has been acting just email me here.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    you could do all the things adross has said, and try and make her feel better about herself... or you could tell her to get lost and find soem friends who are supportive of you and your healthy lifestyle. i'd go with the second one!
  • adross3
    adross3 Posts: 606 Member
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    you could do all the things adross has said, and try and make her feel better about herself... or you could tell her to get lost and find soem friends who are supportive of you and your healthy lifestyle. i'd go with the second one!
    A true friend would reach out. Are you the friend that she is not? But realize this. Will she bring you down in the long run or be supportive of your growth. It is your growth that matters. True friends are rare in this world. Conflicting?.......Can you have both?...........Will she bring your down?..............Will you grow great in choices and success.? Looks like your in a preverbial crossroads of life. Compassion and kindness is not a weakness. It's your choices that make you grow emotionally and financially.

    If your going to go on a seperate path, my suggestion is fade away. Tell her that she is loved in your way and gradually go away. She may just follow. Hey, best of both worlds. That choice could be benificial to your friendship. Once again look at the stressor of get rid of her statements. How about maybe she will follow. Is that a better choice. But you cant force her. Say something like I wish you would join me. If she says no, say something like OH....OK......But, I wish you would. It's alsways about choices. Just a leaf on your shoulder.

    That's a five year relationship. Don't throw it away without multiple choices. Realize the growing differences in your friend and you. If you dumped everbody that wasn't your style you will find yourself old and alone. Some people will always be alone in their heart. Their loneliness of heart leads them to disorders. All of this is repressed and they find themself in overeaters anonomous. Seriously. Open your mind and heart to seeing truth. I have a tattoo on my right arm. It is madarin chinese. There are 3 symbols. Love, peace and success. Love what you do. Have peace in what you do. Success will follow. make educated decisions and not emotional get ride of her decicions.

    I would love to hear from you after you have weighed your options.
  • FifiLea
    FifiLea Posts: 80 Member
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    I agree with adross3 on one of the points made: Your friend *is* reacting to your behaviour - so far so true. And she is probably construing is as a form of aggression on your part.

    HOWEVER, that doesn't mean that she's right, that your behaviour is wrong or that her reaction is acceptable. It's not!

    You *could* go out of your way to reassure her and make her feel ok with what you're doing....but why should you?

    Losing weight and getting healthy is hard enough without having the distraction of fighting the dead weight of a fickle and selfish friend.

    I would stay away from her for now, keep going with what you're doing and wait and see if she comes to her senses. Otherwise, I agree with everyone else, cut her out. If possible we need to keep (EMOTIONALLY) healthy people around us, she's not at the moment - PUT YOURSELF FIRST!!

    :heart:
  • Milziemooxx
    Milziemooxx Posts: 104 Member
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    Jealousy is a disease and I am sorry but there is NO excuse to be like that. She may feel upset and jealous, but being like that is the wrong way about it. She could have asked you for advice or even started a diet herself if it really is getting to her... but to make you CHOOSE is pretty pathetic.. I think you need to talk to her and put some things straight and if she can't be happy for you or support you then ditch her. You don't need negative people in your life, trust me I know. xx
  • RoosterB
    RoosterB Posts: 214 Member
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    Better off without people like that.
  • adross3
    adross3 Posts: 606 Member
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    Better off without people like that.
    people like who? like that. Oh. that what?
  • Painten
    Painten Posts: 499 Member
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    Sorry wasn't quite sure where to put this.

    Okay so, my best friend who I have been besties with for 5 yrs, we did everything together and for the past wk she has been ignoring me, so i'm like oh weird :L she told me that if I lose any more weight I may end up looking prettier than her and she can't have that, so gave me the ultimatim, either stop losing weight or we can not be friends anymore. I kinda suspected it though - when I told her eating junk makes me sick now and i have changed my lifestyle she practically shoved chips down my thoat. i don't know what's happened but she has turned really shallow and can not even believe this! i can not give up losing weight, my dream job is to be a PT...

    Help?

    I wouldn't even bother trying to remain friends with her, clearly she was only friends with you becuase her opinion of you was that she was pretty that you and that made her look good. That is awful, she can't have pretty friends? Whatever she looks like she's real ugly inside and that is not good. As a pp said you need some more inventive ways of telling her too F off? i'm sure i could help you with that too. People like that are not worth the time and effort it takes to be friends with them.
  • BeautyFromPain
    BeautyFromPain Posts: 4,952 Member
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    "A true friend would reach out" I have tried talking to her like 3/4 times in the past week and she has completely ignored me.
    P.S. I may have talked about how much I love eating healthy etc and not eating maccas, etc but I was not putting her down?!
  • adross3
    adross3 Posts: 606 Member
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    Sorry wasn't quite sure where to put this.

    Okay so, my best friend who I have been besties with for 5 yrs, we did everything together and for the past wk she has been ignoring me, so i'm like oh weird :L she told me that if I lose any more weight I may end up looking prettier than her and she can't have that, so gave me the ultimatim, either stop losing weight or we can not be friends anymore. I kinda suspected it though - when I told her eating junk makes me sick now and i have changed my lifestyle she practically shoved chips down my thoat. i don't know what's happened but she has turned really shallow and can not even believe this! i can not give up losing weight, my dream job is to be a PT...

    Help?

    I wouldn't even bother trying to remain friends with her, clearly she was only friends with you becuase her opinion of you was that she was pretty that you and that made her look good. That is awful, she can't have pretty friends? Whatever she looks like she's real ugly inside and that is not good. As a pp said you need some more inventive ways of telling her too F off? i'm sure i could help you with that too. People like that are not worth the time and effort it takes to be friends with them.
    If what this person says is true and your friend is heartless then I would run as fast as I could from that ignorance. You have known this person for 5 years. What other instances have you seen that would confirm to you that she is the beast from hell. If you can not think of anything of such monstrosity then this person is wrong and once again what conditioned stressor prevailed here. You said youself that what she said is very strange. I just don't see the truth here. Do you? Find the truth before you make a decison.
  • adross3
    adross3 Posts: 606 Member
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    "A true friend would reach out" I have tried talking to her like 3/4 times in the past week and she has completely ignored me.
    P.S. I may have talked about how much I love eating healthy etc and not eating maccas, etc but I was not putting her down?!
    You may not have put her down intentionally but, she could of taken it that way. I see that you have tried to talk to her. Maybe she is just upset at you and waint for you to say what she wants to hear. I couldnt tell you have many times my X did that to me. Trust me....all men know this. I would make another choice and call her and leave a message. I would say that I don't really know what I did to upset you so much, but my friendship with you means more then a mistake. Notice I didn't say my mistake. If she does not repond to you then you have your answer and I am sorry that this happend to you. This is a way of deduction and truth. Once again, I hope the truth is not ugly. If so, you will find like minded friends in what you do. Do what you like and do it often.
  • tattereds
    tattereds Posts: 120 Member
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    I think what adross meant is that - She may feel subconsciously threatened by your new attitude toward health/nutrition/fitness and is picking up on signals you may be unintentionally be sending out without meaning to (ie, she may think that you commenting on your own choices is an attack on her choices, if you know what I mean?).

    I guess it's up to you to decide what you came here to ask - how to get her to understand that the above is not your intention at all and get back on good terms with her?

    Or was this post just a self assuring way to garner support for a decision you had already made to give her the flick, and as someone else said, to get creative ideas on how to do so?
  • xxboobooxx
    xxboobooxx Posts: 9 Member
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    wow .. adross is a pretty incredibly smart man :) Was ready to jump on board with " dont need friends like that"til I read what he had to say on the subject. ... and I'm now seeing that you kinda feel attacked by what he said, even tho I'm sure thats not his intentions either. He is just trying to get you to see the other side of it. There does have to be some sort of reason she feels threatend, this doesnt mean its your fault tho or intentional ... just understand for ppl who are struggling to loose weight and being around others who are so adiment .. it can make you feel very insecure as a person :) x much love and best wishes to you .
  • LorinaLynn
    LorinaLynn Posts: 13,247 Member
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    Someone would need to have a seriously messed up sense of self to get "you make me sick" from "I can't eat junk food anymore, it makes me sick." Of course, someone would have to have a seriously messed up sense of self to tell a friend, "I will only be your friend if I'm prettier than you," so... anything is possible.

    I want my friendships to be like Laverne & Shirley.... I'd want us to be peers, equals, partner in crime. It sounds like your friend wants to be more like Lucy & Ethel, where she's The Star and you're her sidekick. Screw that. You deserve equal billing in the friendship.
  • coatsie79
    coatsie79 Posts: 187 Member
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    I would put the ball in her court. Tell her that you want to remain friends (if you still do), that you are now on the road to a healthy lifestyle and that's not going to change, that you would hope that would not be a reason to throw years of friendship down the pan and that your door is always open.

    If she wants to throw your friendship away then that's her loss, but at least you know that it's been through no fault or your own.

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