Relationship Advice
My ex and I dated for 8 months before we went our separate ways because he wanted more (moving in together, etc) and I couldn't give that to him with where I'm at in life - just not a good place mentally.
We ended things around July when he told me he was in love with me, but now it's October and he's already dating someone else and getting ready to move in with her. I'm absolutely devastated because I feel like I missed out on the love of my life. How on earth do people move on that quickly? It's like those 8 months meant nothing and all those memories meant nothing.
I know I need to just move on as well but I'm truly perplexed as to how someone can say and show me how much they loved me to only be in another serious relationship right away. I know he was very invested and in love with me during our time together, I have zero doubts about that. He said that I'd be the girl he'd marry and have kids with one day. Just need some insight into this.
We ended things around July when he told me he was in love with me, but now it's October and he's already dating someone else and getting ready to move in with her. I'm absolutely devastated because I feel like I missed out on the love of my life. How on earth do people move on that quickly? It's like those 8 months meant nothing and all those memories meant nothing.
I know I need to just move on as well but I'm truly perplexed as to how someone can say and show me how much they loved me to only be in another serious relationship right away. I know he was very invested and in love with me during our time together, I have zero doubts about that. He said that I'd be the girl he'd marry and have kids with one day. Just need some insight into this.
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Replies
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Ppl are strange- some folks have to have someone and can’t be alone - I was with my ex for 20 years - she was dating a week after I left ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ moved in with the dude with in 6 months - you cant dwell on what goes on in some one else’s head cause the human mind is a fascinating thing amarite @isalsayourface123 and you’ll never know that thought process-
Sorry you’re hurting, it gets easier . Trust me3 -
This probably isn’t the best place to ask for serious relationship advice. I’d say he probably wants what he wants, as in moving in and kids, and you didn’t want it so he found someone who did. Love is relative. It ebbs and flows so don’t think that you will never find another love of your life. You will.5
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I’d say if he moved on that quickly, it’s obvious he wasn’t the love of your life or you of his. You didn’t miss out on anything.6
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Sorry that you’re going through this. Breakups are hard enough in themselves but even harder when the other person moves on so quickly.
Here’s my perspective. My previous relationship was intense! In all of the best & worst ways. It was so toxic: yet I loved him more than I’ve ever loved anyone before. We were together for 12 years!! We would break up for a bit & end up back together. The final time that I left him was in the month of November- by January I was dating someone else & he had moved in with me. Total rebound looking back. If you truly love someone then you don’t just get over them that quick. I had gotten so used to being in a relationship though that I didn’t even know how to be alone.
With that being said- a lot of people can’t deal with being alone. They need to be needed, wanted, etc.. I don’t think him moving on so quickly is a reflection of what he felt for you: I’m sure he meant what he said & how we felt.
It’s so easy to get into our own heads; replay conversations, etc.. Don’t second guess what you had. What you may have to do though is accept the fact that he has moved on. You can question things on & on, but you’re only destroying yourself in the process. Accept what has happened & work on healing yourself from the break.4 -
pizzamyheart wrote: »This probably isn’t the best place to ask for serious relationship advice. I’d say he probably wants what he wants, as in moving in and kids, and you didn’t want it so he found someone who did. Love is relative. It ebbs and flows so don’t think that you will never find another love of your life. You will.
What are you talking about - This IS the most serious place in all of mfp is it not?? I mean once you scrape away the sarcasm and wit is not all bad - look at that serious sound advice you just spewed out
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The fact that he moved on that quickly... Obviously means you're not missing out.
Wanting to move in quickly... From my personal experience, is one of my biggest red flags now.5 -
He's probably in a rebound relationship. He wanted commitment, with marriage and babies on the horizon and you didn't, so he's gone and found himself someone who is on the same page as him. It doesn't mean your love meant nothing to him, or that he wasn't who appeared to be. Cherish the good memories you have, and look forward to the day you meet the real love of your life.5
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melissawill2017 wrote: »Sorry that you’re going through this. Breakups are hard enough in themselves but even harder when the other person moves on so quickly.
Here’s my perspective. My previous relationship was intense! In all of the best & worst ways. It was so toxic: yet I loved him more than I’ve ever loved anyone before. We were together for 12 years!! We would break up for a bit & end up back together. The final time that I left him was in the month of November- by January I was dating someone else & he had moved in with me. Total rebound looking back. If you truly love someone then you don’t just get over them that quick. I had gotten so used to being in a relationship though that I didn’t even know how to be alone.
With that being said- a lot of people can’t deal with being alone. They need to be needed, wanted, etc.. I don’t think him moving on so quickly is a reflection of what he felt for you: I’m sure he meant what he said & how we felt.
It’s so easy to get into our own heads; replay conversations, etc.. Don’t second guess what you had. What you may have to do though is accept the fact that he has moved on. You can question things on & on, but you’re only destroying yourself in the process. Accept what has happened & work on healing yourself from the break.
Thank you so much for the insight, Melissa. You were right on point - I was starting to doubt everything we had because what's the point of loving someone knowing that it could possibly not be real? I care for him a lot, I hope he's not rushing into that relationship and making a lifelong decision that quickly. But I know that I also need to move on, it just hurts because I still feel the same way about him. I couldn't fathom dating anyone at this point, let alone move in with them.2 -
Ppl are strange- some folks have to have someone and can’t be alone - I was with my ex for 20 years - she was dating a week after I left ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ moved in with the dude with in 6 months - you cant dwell on what goes on in some one else’s head cause the human mind is a fascinating thing amarite @isalsayourface123 and you’ll never know that thought process-
Sorry you’re hurting, it gets easier . Trust me
Well, I can only speak for my mind. It's pretty simple. Food and working out. That's about all I got going on in there.
Oddly enough i did this exact same scenario recently...he couldn't give me what i needed so i moved on. Except i dont have a serious boyfriend already...but give me another week.
Eta: this isn't exactly like my scenario...this some similarities...and maybe I didnt really love the guy...I dunno🤷♀️3 -
isalsayourface123 wrote: »Ppl are strange- some folks have to have someone and can’t be alone - I was with my ex for 20 years - she was dating a week after I left ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ moved in with the dude with in 6 months - you cant dwell on what goes on in some one else’s head cause the human mind is a fascinating thing amarite @isalsayourface123 and you’ll never know that thought process-
Sorry you’re hurting, it gets easier . Trust me
Except i dont have a serious boyfriend already...
you must not have received my pm's ??
drat.
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Motorsheen wrote: »isalsayourface123 wrote: »Ppl are strange- some folks have to have someone and can’t be alone - I was with my ex for 20 years - she was dating a week after I left ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ moved in with the dude with in 6 months - you cant dwell on what goes on in some one else’s head cause the human mind is a fascinating thing amarite @isalsayourface123 and you’ll never know that thought process-
Sorry you’re hurting, it gets easier . Trust me
Except i dont have a serious boyfriend already...
you must not have received my pm's ??
drat.
Haha...you are fast. Come here you.1 -
isalsayourface123 wrote: »Ppl are strange- some folks have to have someone and can’t be alone - I was with my ex for 20 years - she was dating a week after I left ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ moved in with the dude with in 6 months - you cant dwell on what goes on in some one else’s head cause the human mind is a fascinating thing amarite @isalsayourface123 and you’ll never know that thought process-
Sorry you’re hurting, it gets easier . Trust me
Well, I can only speak for my mind. It's pretty simple. Food and working out. That's about all I got going on in there.
Oddly enough i did this exact same scenario recently...he couldn't give me what i needed so i moved on. Except i dont have a serious boyfriend already...but give me another week.
Eta: this isn't exactly like my scenario...this some similarities...and maybe I didnt really love the guy...I dunno🤷♀️
The more I see people on here not doing the healthy things and then I see you doing healthy things the more I realize how we should become great friends, maybe even more. I’m glad to hear you don’t have a serious boyfriend.
Can I get your pager number?1 -
MarcyMavin wrote: »I’d say if he moved on that quickly, it’s obvious he wasn’t the love of your life or you of his. You didn’t miss out on anything.
This ^^^^
It sounds like he had his future mapped out and you didn't agree with his timeline. You should be thankful he moved on so quickly.
Don't forget your time together. We grow as individuals with every relationship. You'll meet the love of your life some day. 💙2 -
isalsayourface123 wrote: »Ppl are strange- some folks have to have someone and can’t be alone - I was with my ex for 20 years - she was dating a week after I left ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ moved in with the dude with in 6 months - you cant dwell on what goes on in some one else’s head cause the human mind is a fascinating thing amarite @isalsayourface123 and you’ll never know that thought process-
Sorry you’re hurting, it gets easier . Trust me
Well, I can only speak for my mind. It's pretty simple. Food and working out. That's about all I got going on in there.
Oddly enough i did this exact same scenario recently...he couldn't give me what i needed so i moved on. Except i dont have a serious boyfriend already...but give me another week.
Eta: this isn't exactly like my scenario...this some similarities...and maybe I didnt really love the guy...I dunno🤷♀️
The more I see people on here not doing the healthy things and then I see you doing healthy things the more I realize how we should become great friends, maybe even more. I’m glad to hear you don’t have a serious boyfriend.
Can I get your pager number?
Listen @RevGym2 you need to upgrade to this if we will ever have a future together
I need to hear all the fitness advice and words of encouragement daily. Maybe even hourly.0 -
OP, You are young. 8 months seems to you at this time like a large chunk of your life, and it is. Move on. It becomes of less significance each day. Eventually, it's just part of your education that makes you who you'll become.3
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The fact that he moved on so quickly says a lot about him. I'd say you dodged a bullet. Be thankful and go on your merry way.3
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FitGirl_Running wrote: »The fact that he moved on so quickly says a lot about him. I'd say you dodged a bullet. Be thankful and go on your merry way.
yeah, this is probably very true.
I'm dodged a bullet or two in my day, I damn sure have..... been clipped a couple of times too.3 -
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I definitely wouldn't waste time stressing about this guy. Your memories are important and what you felt for him is, too. But it's over and as much as that hurts, people move on. Fast, slow, or whatever. They just do.
After major breakups, I've waited more than a year to date again...and I've started dating again in 6 days. Neither was really the right or wrong amount of time, in my opinion.
Relationships in general are all about timing. It doesn't mean that a person is *necessarily* rebounding if they start up again quickly. For me, I dated 5 guys right after my divorce proceedings started and #5 wound up being my second husband. If you had asked me at that time, I would think it was crazy to be dating so soon and never thought I'd get married again in the first place. You just never know.
I know some people are very obvious rebounders and have to be deeply enmeshed in a new relationship almost immediately after a breakup. That's their problem. But don't be afraid to move on in your own time. It doesn't mean the previous relationship wasn't important or real. It's just over.
As others have said...it does get easier. Like any other difficulty in life, the intensity very gradually starts to fade.4 -
Hip_to_be_square wrote: »Some of y'all sound straight up bitter, like you've been burned before. The fact that he moved on so quickly doesn't mean that his feelings weren't true. Him and her just weren't on the same page with what they wanted out of a relationship. So he decided life is short and he's not going to waste any more of it moping around.
Yeah, I'm almost certain this was it. He wanted to make strides with our relationship and I kept pushing back. It hurts because it still feels so new and he told/showed me all sorts of things that is now diminished in my head because of how quickly he's moving. Two weeks after we broke up he came crying to me cause he wanted to get back together. So it was a matter of 2.5 months that he started dating this girl and is moving in with her. It truly hurts because he's a great guy and I'm almost afraid I won't find someone else like him. I just have to adjust to the situation and move on with my life, as hard as it is.0 -
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Hip_to_be_square wrote: »Some of y'all sound straight up bitter, like you've been burned before. The fact that he moved on so quickly doesn't mean that his feelings weren't true. Him and her just weren't on the same page with what they wanted out of a relationship. So he decided life is short and he's not going to waste any more of it moping around.Hip_to_be_square wrote: »where does this mindset come from, of having to pine away for a while after a breakup to keep trying to prove to the other person that your love for them was real? You don't have to keep trying to prove anything. If the relationship is 100% over and that is your way of moving on, then grieve about it. But some people don't want to waste any more lifetime as it is short enough anyway.
There is no timeline for moving on. For some people it takes longer than others. And again, apparently there are some that don't want to waste any of life's time if a different opportunity comes along.
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Only he can know why he said and did as he did, but from the outside looking in, it would appear he knows what he wants and he’s going after it. Carelessly obviously. You weren’t the love of his life, that much is clear. In some time your heart will heal, and this won’t hurt anymore.
I hope that you’ll find yourself in a better head space soon. Please don’t waste your precious time trying to figure this man out. Focus on you and your happiness ❤️1 -
The best way to get over a breakup is to remember why you broke up.0
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Hip_to_be_square wrote: »Hip_to_be_square wrote: »Some of y'all sound straight up bitter, like you've been burned before. The fact that he moved on so quickly doesn't mean that his feelings weren't true. Him and her just weren't on the same page with what they wanted out of a relationship. So he decided life is short and he's not going to waste any more of it moping around.
Yeah, I'm almost certain this was it. He wanted to make strides with our relationship and I kept pushing back. It hurts because it still feels so new and he told/showed me all sorts of things that is now diminished in my head because of how quickly he's moving. Two weeks after we broke up he came crying to me cause he wanted to get back together. So it was a matter of 2.5 months that he started dating this girl and is moving in with her. It truly hurts because he's a great guy and I'm almost afraid I won't find someone else like him. I just have to adjust to the situation and move on with my life, as hard as it is.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I've only had two serious relationships in my life. And each time the break-up hurt like hell. My last one, my ex was already with her new man within the same month we broke up. But as others have said, it does get better with time, no matter how slow and gradual.
And you absolutely may find another guy as good or even better. I've been on some dates since my break-up, but it wasn't about eight months later that my path accidentally crossed with another woman who I just click with on all sorts of levels. She's beautiful both inside & out, and intuitively I know she could be the one for me.
It seems like the good ones that come my way, are during times when I'm not necessarily looking for a relationship, or my path just accidentally crosses with that person.
I know it hurts. Keep your head up. It gets better.
Thanks! It feels surreal, because I didn't want the relationship to end but I wasn't willing to bend enough for him so it had to end. It's just so hard to find a good guy these days it seems!
I'm happy it all worked out for you! My social circle is pretty small and I don't go out of my way to meet people, which makes it even harder. Before this guy, I didn't date for a long time because I was afraid of getting hurt. But here we are, and I can't blame anyone but myself. I'll keep truckin' along though.1 -
Some perspective from an older person: I wish I had a nickel for every minute I wasted through the years trying to figure out the motives/reasoning/brain/actions/mixed signals/comments/behaviors of the men in my life. Once I learned to shrug off the crazies it caused me - and started to realize that I was probably equally as frustrating to the other person more times than I care to admit - I felt suddenly liberated, relieved and content beyond belief. Unfortunately this realization did not fully sink in until I was in my 50s. Better late than never LOL....4
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Be grateful and thankful you only dated this person for 8 months. I should've listened to my mother. A year or 14 months is more than enough if you want marriage. If they can't figure it out in that amount of time it's time to look elsewhere. Long term dating relationships are a red flag. They're usually only waiting for something better to come along and it's not you (me). You got out while the gettin' was good. You'll find the right one or they'll find you you and it almost always happens when you're not looking too hard. Just be happy you did not devote more time to this.1
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cbstewart88 wrote: »Some perspective from an older person: I wish I had a nickel for every minute I wasted through the years trying to figure out the motives/reasoning/brain/actions/mixed signals/comments/behaviors of the men in my life. Once I learned to shrug off the crazies it caused me - and started to realize that I was probably equally as frustrating to the other person more times than I care to admit - I felt suddenly liberated, relieved and content beyond belief. Unfortunately this realization did not fully sink in until I was in my 50s. Better late than never LOL....
This is too funny, LOL! I'm hurt now but I also have to admit, I've been a pain in the butt to deal with as well. He told me that it was like pulling teeth with me sometimes because I don't open up easily. I've made this guy cry several times and he's a tough cookie and never cries.
Thanks everyone! I'm looking ahead and just have to focus on myself right now. I have a great career with a lot of room for growth, so that's exciting at least!2 -
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