so disgusted with myself

fedupfatty10 · October 2019

Here I am and I feel so disgusted with myself. LIke how did I let myself go this bad???? What is wrong with me? I was so slender and working out daily and looking amazing for years. Then a few years ago I had some life changes and I just gave up and fell into a depression. I have packed on 70 pounds and doubled in size over the past few years. I don't even recognize the person in the mirror who I have become. I have so many new aches and pains as a result. I want to get back to that person I was before the depression. I want to stop feeling down and introverted and start living and appreciating everything again. I have reached a point where I don't like to go out in public, go into stores, go to social functions. Any encouragement or motivation to help me to get back in the mindset of happiness, fitness and CARING about myself again is appreciated.

wmd1979 · October 2019

fedupfatty10 wrote: »

Here I am and I feel so disgusted with myself. LIke how did I let myself go this bad???? What is wrong with me? I was so slender and working out daily and looking amazing for years. Then a few years ago I had some life changes and I just gave up and fell into a depression. I have packed on 70 pounds and doubled in size over the past few years. I don't even recognize the person in the mirror who I have become. I have so many new aches and pains as a result. I want to get back to that person I was before the depression. I want to stop feeling down and introverted and start living and appreciating everything again. I have reached a point where I don't like to go out in public, go into stores, go to social functions. Any encouragement or motivation to help me to get back in the mindset of happiness, fitness and CARING about myself again is appreciated.

A couple years back, I was going through a divorce and a couple months in I found out I had cancer. As I went through round after round of chemo, I was forced to tell myself to just put one foot in front of the other and repeat. You are going to want a change to happen all at once, but unfortunately thats not how life works. It took time to add on the pounds and it will take time to take it off as well. You need to take that first step though, and after you take that one, you need to take another, and keep adding to that. You may feel disgusted now, but I promise you the sense of pride and joy that you feel when you reach your destination will make every single thing worth it in the end. It won't always be easy, but be kind to yourself and just keep the end goal in mind. I wish you the best of luck.

MikePTY · October 2019

fedupfatty10 wrote: »

Here I am and I feel so disgusted with myself. LIke how did I let myself go this bad???? What is wrong with me? I was so slender and working out daily and looking amazing for years. Then a few years ago I had some life changes and I just gave up and fell into a depression. I have packed on 70 pounds and doubled in size over the past few years. I don't even recognize the person in the mirror who I have become. I have so many new aches and pains as a result. I want to get back to that person I was before the depression. I want to stop feeling down and introverted and start living and appreciating everything again. I have reached a point where I don't like to go out in public, go into stores, go to social functions. Any encouragement or motivation to help me to get back in the mindset of happiness, fitness and CARING about myself again is appreciated.

One thing you will learn quickly on your journey is that hating on yourself doesn't get you anywhere good. You can't control the past. What is done is done. The is no benefit to dwelling on it or being upset by things you can't change. Just focus on the future. Taking one day at a time, making small progress and little gains, and you will get there. Many have been where you have before. They have made these changes and you can too.

LyndaBSS · October 2019

My mindset was the same as yours after my husband died last year. Anxiety, depression, emotional overeating, ptsd.

For more than a year, I floundered.

I woke up on June 9th of this year and I was ready for a change. I was ready to be healthier. I was ready to do it for myself.

I joined mfp that day and haven't looked back. I'm very happy with my progress so far. My anxiety and depression symptoms have lessened, too.

Good luck with your journey! 💙

fedupfatty10 · October 2019

Thank you for taking time to respond, I really needed this today.

CSARdiver · October 2019

I would imagine a majority of the MFP population has been here at some point. I certainly was when I realized the results of my behavior. The critical point in this can all be undone with changes to behavior and time.

Bringing up the past can be helpful if and only if you are trying to learn from this, but not if you're beating yourself up for it. Learn from it, grow in strength and knowledge from the experience and pass this on to others.

I was at the top of my game and fully engaged in one of the most elite teams in the US military. I was diagnosed with cancer in 2000 and had to leave my team. Over the next 14 years I just stopped working out and believed much of the internet woo about thyroid disorders. I started MFP and just started logging my intake, gradually established a deficit, gradually increased my activity, and lost 60 lbs the first year. I've been in maintenance ever since and just gradually increasing my activity while keeping tabs on my caloric intake.

Read the forums - find some key friends to help you stay on target and accountable. Take it slow and deliberate and implement changes which are achievable and sustainable over time.

swim777 · October 2019

We have all been there. You are here and ready to take care of you! Set a reasonable goal and choose foods that you enjoy. You can do this! We are all here to support you!

gallicinvasion · October 2019

I have been there. I felt like I was not capable of helping myself. Finally, I started cognitive behavioral therapy with someone who specializes in disordered eating. I am amazed at the changes I’ve been able to accomplish over the past year! Seek out help if you can, preferably from a professional who prioritizes helping you create small achievable, non-overwhelming, and sustainable goals. We are rooting for you!

NovusDies · October 2019

I want to echo that you cannot do anything about who you have been you can only change who you are. You need to forgive yourself so you can review your habits objectively. If it helps pretend you are coaching a friend. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to make mistakes and not quit over them. You need to do whatever you can do to learn to be happy today because thinking you can be miserable today in order to be happy when you get to goal is very likely not going to end well. If learning to be happy requires therapy do not hesitate.

psychod787 · October 2019

I have made many "mistakes" and been disgusted with the outcomes in this adventure. All we can do is move forward with what we need to do and hope for the best. Best wishes!

DANINJ35 · October 2019

I am in the same place as you - disgusted with myself. I started tracking food this week and taking time to read other's stories on here. Good luck to you!

brenn24179 · October 2019

I feel so bad for you, yes it is so depressing gaining weight and losing control. I seen a lady at the gym lose 160 lbs and I thought well I can lose 40 if she did that. I did what she did. I ate 100 gr of carbs a day or less, did my calorie logging and lost it. You can to, find your thing so you can be happy again!

lemurcat2 · October 2019

Definitely been there.

All I can say is that focusing on positive steps is often really helpful. Try not to beat yourself up or focus on regret, but make a plan (use MFP to set a calorie goal and if you want add some kind of non punishing, enjoyable seeming activity goal) and then just do it. I found it helpful for myself to do this in writing and check in daily and weekly to make note of what was working, what was hard, my mindset, my accomplishments, etc. It was amazing how quickly that helped me feel much more positive and in control even well before I'd lost a significant amount of weight.

Shortgirlrunning · October 2019

Are you getting help for your depression? There is so much self-hate in your post and that won’t go away just through weight loss. Many people have lost weight thinking “I’ll be happy when I get to my goal weight” and then they get there and still aren’t happy. I think it’s important to love yourself no matter what you weigh. Yes, lose weight for your health and yes even for vanity reasons (I’d be lying if I said vanity didn’t play a part in my wanting to lose weight) but don’t place your self-worth and happiness in a number on a scale because the scale will never make you happy.

My advice is to give yourself goals that aren’t related to your weight to work toward as well. For example, at the start of this year I got it in my head that I wanted to run a half-marathon so on a whim, I signed up for one. I wasn’t at my goal weight when I signed up and I wasn’t at my goal weight when I ran it in September but it was such an awesome, huge accomplishment for me and if felt great to have that completely separate from what I weighed at the moment.

cheryldumais · October 2019

Oh my heart aches for you. I remember feeling that way too. I hated myself for getting so big and I thought I could never lose the weight. I topped out at 251 pounds at least that was the last time I got on the scale. After that I didn't want to know. At the age of 59 I realized I was headed somewhere really bad. I knew I would end up being a burden to my loved ones one day. I was diabetic, my blood pressure was high and I was miserable and in pain almost all the time. I decided that for my 60th birthday I wanted to be smaller. Alot of people would have told me it was too late at my age but I did it anyway. You can too.

Take it slow and work your way up for exercise. Pick a reasonable calorie level and be satisfied losing it slowly but surely. I know you want to lose 5 lbs a week right now but that's not healthy or sustainable. Go slow. Trust me on this. I did the fast weight loss over and over in my youth and in the end I always ended up gaining it all back and then some. If you can, lift some weight every other day. That was my one mistake because I feel I lost more muscle mass than I would have liked so I'm now trying to gain some back. Outside of that be patient. This time next year you won't even recognize yourself! Good luck.

neugebauer52 · October 2019

No, no - please don't call yourself depreciating names. That's all in the past, today is a new day. You have found MFP and all those supportive members. Cheer up, take it day by day, trust the MFP calculations and make slow changes. In no time you will see improvements. Believe in yourself, you are strong, you will succeed.

denjan333 · October 2019

The absolute first thing you can do to start helping yourself is recognizing when you're tearing yourself down (thoughts like "I'm disgusted with myself") and stop that in its tracks. Replace that with something you would say to your BEST FRIEND had he or she come to you for help with the exact problem you're facing. You must be your own best friend right now. That will help with your depression and your weight loss. Celebrate every pound lost, don't just wait until the end. If you over-eat one day, look back at how many steps you took already, log it, and move on.

Be your own cheerleader. It may sound corny, but it really helps to lift you up. The last thing you need is that person between your ears tearing you down. You can do this. You WILL do this. Believe it.

girlwithcurls2 · October 2019

Please, please read these replies with an open heart. So many people here have been where you are. Or they're in the same spot. You're not the only one to feel like this. You're not the first either. It's a terrible feeling, self loathing. Make the decision to love yourself. You are no less worthy of goodness now than you were when you weighed less. What would you tell a friend? Tell yourself that. Take baby steps each day. It's a long process, but you have nothing but time. And come back here when you need encouragement.

kenyonhaff · October 2019

You're taking a huge step by being here!

Just start logging. Don't be discouraged by mistakes -- they're important to make because you will learn from them. Measure your food. Go for moderate rate loss, you can always adjust.

fedupfatty10 · October 2019

I appreciate each and every one of you so much. You have no idea how much I am reading this advice in tears and feeling like I am not alone. You are making me believe that my situation and mindset is not impossible to overcome. It is like feeling a giant internet hug and I thank you for that. Those of you who said that I need to be my own best friend and treat myself in a gentle way with encouragement and kindness like how I would treat a friend, you are so right. And yes, depression is not cured by a number on a scale. I realize that the number on the scale is both the cause AND the effect of the depression.

Years ago, I made some selfish choices in my life that I wasn't proud of and caused me to dislike myself and feel like I wasn't the person everyone believed me to be. I remember the moment a few years ago that I looked in the mirror at my beautiful reflection in disgust at my choices and decided that I no longer deserved to look good. I started to withdraw from things, overeat and almost punish myself by gaining weight. It was like almost intentional self-sabbatage and destruction. A few years later, I have forgiven myself for my mistakes in life and have put my life back on a path that I am proud of, a path that aligns with my values and who I present myself to be to the world. But now all the weight I gained over the years of punishing myself continues to perpetuate the feelings of unworthiness and self-loathing.

Sorry to put my personal issues all over the internet but I find people on here to be very helpful, understanding and insightful. I live with all of these internal struggles and do not talk to friends or family about them. Getting rid of the weight is the next step to forgiving myself and loving myself again.

denjan333 · October 2019

Not one of us is perfect. We've all made mistakes of varying degrees in our lives. That's part of being human. It's ok to be human. If you've learned something about yourself along the way, that's great. If you did something in the past that you feel bad about, just ensure you don't repeat that mistake.

You are so, so, so not alone. You're here. We're here. We're all trying to become our better selves.

misclaire81 · October 2019

Weight loss and weight management are not just about what you put in your mouth and how many calories you burn, it's about your mental health as well. Realising that you're worth taking care of and worth putting first is tough mental shift, and it only becomes a permanent habit if you're consistent with it. I find keeping a journal really helped me, and every day I would write down something positive about myself, and something I was grateful for. It doesn't have to be earth shattering, it could just be 'I tried something on in a store and didn't cry when it didn't fit me'.. or 'I looked at my reflection and didn't hate what I saw' .. or 'I didn't saying anything negative about myself today'.. it's small steps, one day at a time, and we all need to cut ourselves some slack! This is not something you do and then stop, it is a lifestyle shift, and life can have ups and downs, and that's ok. Be kind to yourself, always.

MercuryForce · October 2019

Shortgirlrunning wrote: »

My advice is to give yourself goals that aren’t related to your weight to work toward as well. For example, at the start of this year I got it in my head that I wanted to run a half-marathon so on a whim, I signed up for one. I wasn’t at my goal weight when I signed up and I wasn’t at my goal weight when I ran it in September but it was such an awesome, huge accomplishment for me and if felt great to have that completely separate from what I weighed at the moment.

My dietitian has me doing this as well. Mine aren't quite as big as a half marathon. But, even if the weight coming off at a rate I'd like, she helped remind me that I no longer get afternoon headaches because I'm eating breakfast and lunch daily, I've done a better job of incorporating fruits and vegetables into my diet, and I am going to the gym 2-3 times a week. Those lifestyle changes aren't nothing and are just as meaningful as any changes on the scale.

so disgusted with myself

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